Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

Can't think of anything worse than going to a wetland centre on Boxing day. Let people rest and play with their new toys/ do nothing in particular. Not every day has to be an event.

Ignore.
But also don’t centre these trips about him. Do them because you want to not because he’ll enjoy them if he won’t.
But also tiredness is a huge factor. And my overwhelming memory of a lot of stuff I did as a child is struggling through absolute exhaustion (health problems which did get recognised/sorted until I was long into adulthood).
Christmas is exhausting as a child, the autumn term is very long, and it always took my children several days of boring “normal” after the end of term to adjust.
So short spurts of activity, and lots of quiet (colouring/crafts/reading if not TV).

My son doesn’t know how to rest. It’s been the theme of the whole thread. But thanks.

I hated age 6. Grumpy shit. We had a nice baby and a delightful toddler. Horrible six year old.

He became 7.

My 5.5 year old DD can be very much like your son and she is diagnosed Autistic and has a PDA profile.

hahahahaha... really. Parents make the right decision based on the situation and whats right for everyone. Children don't run families or households or anything else for that matter.

You need to stop taking advice from people above who do not have children who behave like yours.

Please read up on PDA. It's probably worth adjusting your parenting as if he has PDA traits.

And for everyone saying the outing was clearly the problem. My 3 year old loved it. Lots of other kids seemed to be having a good time. It was a beautifully sunny winters day. There is a big play area and were Christmas activities to do. I wasn’t dragging him around bird watching. I’m not sure what I could have done differently really.

Moaning is really exhausting for you. As you say children do need to get fresh air.

Kids moan for different reasons. So it can be helpful to look for patterns.

I found 'adventures in gentle discipline'* helpful at that age. Not preachy just a compilation of ideas and sections on specific challenges like moaning. It starts with the question 'does my child have everything they need to face the day?' which I find quite helpful. My 9 year old would moan his head off given half the chance. (His magic formula is snacks, structure, very clear communication on what the day's programme is highlighting when he gets his next 'good thing', and ignoring moaning completely)

I used to say 'moaning is hard for my ears, please use your strong voice'. Now he's older I say 'if there's something you want ask me with a please at the front'. Or I might agree - 'brt - it is cold. Good job we brought our gloves. You're going to enjoy a hot bath when we get in. You are doing such good walking'

*Mumsnet is polarised on gentle parenting. 😂and I only find elements of it helpful. But then I borrow from all the parenting disciplines taking whatever suits me and my family at any given time...

What help do you want from this thread, then? Many people with ND kids in their lives have given you great advice about what to do differently with kids with autistic traits.

With ADHD DN food seems to make a big difference. He never says he’s hungry but some healthy snacks can make a huge difference, grumpy and upset to pleasant and happy!

Sounds like he needs regulating tbh and a diagnosis- do not ignore that behaviour its terrible advice

@susey I agree, that's what I had to do and it really helped our situation when I started to parent her as if she had PDA.

Sorry. I’m really not having a go at people suggesting he may be ND. He may well be (although I’m terrified of that prospect at the moment).

Im just gutted people seem to think everything I have done is the problem. If I keep him at home the house gets destroyed and DH and I feel completely overwhelmed within a few days. If I take him out he is so negative and emotional. I really am trying my best but it feels like I can’t do anything right.

MN can be like this. I’ve only skimmed the thread but I do know if you’d posted to say you’d stayed in everyone would have piled on about that as well, it can be really upsetting.

Maybe research some things to regulate his behaviour/moods? Is he in fight/flight mode, does he need additional downtime! School is a lot esp in yr 1 (they go from play to just learn) and he may have been complaining on the trip due to external factors such as noise and busy-ness- maybe be struggles with transitions and needs to know what to expect before going out?

So much to cover here and if hes verbal speak to him about it- hes 6 you never know what he may drop in conversation that can explain his behaviour.

Kids are exhausting, youre doing your best so hang in there, the fact you even made this post shows you care and want to help your child- things can only get better but you will need time to experiment with what works with him!

Sounds like my son. He’s autistic. Sorry. He’s clearly unhappy and surely the trips are meant for him?

I really think you are over thinking this.
he’s exhausted after a long term and Christmas, wants to watch tv and not go to a bloody wetlands centre. As a teacher I completely agree with him.

for goodness sake why is everyone saying he’s ND?!? Just because our dc don’t adhere to the Instagram-friendly parenting model that’s stuffed down our throats nowadays, doesn’t mean they need a diagnosis.

my childhood was spent watching loads of tv and playing in the garden. I hated day trips out would rather be at home with a book. I’m fine.

He sounds even more likely to be ND. Bad sleep and social communication problems are part of it.

I’m a teacher too. And the parent of an ND child. The whole picture is including sleep, socialising, behaviour, transitions, high energy and tired mind.

All classic ADHD symptoms.

Who wants to go out in this freezing weather.

Stay at home and let him get bored. Do not indulge him or beg him.

I’m not commenting on your child. I’m just saying to the OP - relax. Let him watch some tv, play in his room, just chill. It all sounds exhausting. Going to a wetlands centre on Boxing Day after presumably a busy day yesterday - why? I dragged my children out for a 20 min walk they moaned the whole way. They then had a fight over a toy when they got home. Now watching muppets Christmas carol.
they’re not ND. They’re bloody normal!!!!!

Omg. This is why we have a society filled with uncontrollable, angry, mentally unwell, dissatisfied children who are growing into absolute arseholes of people. Not that long ago kids were lucky to get one Christmas present, not long ago kids didn’t have central heating, before that they didn’t have indoor plumbing, or they worked down bloody mines or up chimneys. Are you seriously suggesting that op just listens to her 6 year old being rude and instead of saying nope not acceptable, she says sorry my little Prince i will never again make you go on a walk or to visit grandma or accompany me on a boring errand? What a fucking laugh.

op, kids are like us, they like to do what they like to do. But they haven’t learned social graces yet. Not have they learned to do what is right for them even if they don’t want to do it (actually many adults haven’t learned this - including myself!)

If you allow him to speak this way, you are allowing him to strengthen the reaction in his brain- mum asks me to do something = I whine it’s boring. It’s become a habit. Of course a child needs to learn to stand up for themselves and say no I don’t want to do xyz but that’s when it matters - not when you’re just saying it because you want to sit on your butt playing games instead of getting exercise on a Boxing Day outing. Or sit on your butt watching tv instead of seeing your (inoffensive) grandma. Or sit on your butt instead of help your mum go shopping so the whole house has food!

he is tv addicted, throw the tv out. You having strict tv time isn’t working if he doesn’t enjoy real life so you have to cut it out. If he can’t play on his own you just have to let him. Get a box of things that could be done by himself like dot the dot and every time he wines just say ooh I know I reeeally want to play but I have to do this boring work task otherwise I’ll lose my job or done such crap he can’t argue with. Say it’ll take 20 mins. Then after 20 mins okay with him. Then keep doing this. See what happens. He’ll eventually get used to it. Just don’t say no I’m busy go and play alone etc - that makes it negative. Just be equally annoyed you “can’t” entertain him, so he doesn’t feel playing alone is a punishment. You’re basically not allowing him to be bored so he thinks he has to be always having a good time. He isn’t going to find going out fun if he is spending lots of time having his mind filled with fast paced shit on tv or being entertained.

Maybe because it's highly hereditory and the OP has said both families have dx'd people. And also because the behaviour is very obvious to those of us that can see it and life is just easier if you make adjustments.

Could you start small with a timer on for 5 minutes e.g. I need to do this (household job) I need you to play with x or y for 5 minutes.