Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

No, I’m just exhausted. He is a good kid, I don’t want to make everyone think he’s a horror. But someone used the word ‘intense’ upthread and that’s exactly what he is. Very very full on.

A friend of ours used to have invisible anti-moaining headphones. You mime putting them on, then mouthe "I can't hear you, sorry. I've got my anti-moaining headphones on. . . .Nope, sorry. Still can't hear you. Let's go over here "
They are amazingly effective at helping you to zone out from moaning, and stay cheerful!

Sorry but i'd find a wetlands centre pretty dull, and wouldn't enjoy it.

I am assuming he is an only child as you don't mention any other children only that he insists you guys play with him...sounds like he is bored and struggling to entertain himself. Unfortunately that is likely to be caused by your parenting style. That's not a criticism at all, but qe do seem to be preprogrammed to not allow our kids to be bored and as toddlers etc we over plan their time so they got used to always having stimulus and someone's attention.

Take a friend with you, or talk to him about where he would like to go. Involve him. But don't punish him for your decisions.

Thanks - this is more what I assumed I would be told then being told I shouldn’t expect him to leave the house!

We have tried to instill boundaries around our time at home. Sometimes it works - if we set out some Lego if he’s in the right mood he’ll crack in independently. But often, if we are firm and say we expect him to give us fifteen minutes, he’ll just escalate and escalate until we have to give him attention (eg he’ll do something dangerous or start really winding up his brother). Any tips appreciated!

I don’t think OP should have to stay at home all the time just because ds whines when they go out, why should OP have to be stuck in the house all the time? I would go insane!

OP, you do need to encourage him to be less needy and demanding, easier said than done I admit, as some of that is down to personality. start with small steps, you will play with him but then he has to play by himself for a while. If he refuses and starts following you or pestering you stand firm.

And yes, ignore, ignore, and ignore the moaning on trips! Really hard but you must. He needs to accept that it won’t pay off.

Well, you’re not six, are you?

They are actually really good. The OP has not done anything wrong in taking her two children to somewhere fun and educational. Let’s not make out she did by claiming it was ‘boring.’

You could take turns with your DH then for a bit.

Maybe you're just knackered.

Perhaps you all need some creature comforts! Do you take flasks of hot chocolate and marshmallows? They help winter walks I think!

Hopefully you can get play dates to come over to yours once he is settled into primary school. When they’re with friends is when you get a break.

It's cold and windy here today and I doubt I'd fancy a wetlands area with a 3 and 6 year old. Local park trip would be more appropriate. Will they sit for tv based Christmassy movie? Honestly, there's no harm in a bit of that sort of screentime.

Mine never did football as a club or activity. Indoor martial arts from 6 and swimming. Cricket and tennis coaching in the hols from 8. Went briefly to a hockey club because other friends were doing it, but not his scene. 6 is about the earliest age you might start to figure out what they like and don't like to do for leisure. Swimming is non negotiable, likewise actual school work. Going along with what other sibling wants to do when they express their preferences and doing family stuff gets easier over time.

Things might improve when the sibling is a bit older, a three year gap means that there are some phases where they aren't compatible for playing together.
I would have thought that the day after Christmas is a day most children want to play with all their new stuff, with perhaps a couple of short trips to the park to run off energy.

Having said all that I do remember a phase with small children of thinking that days out weren't worth the effort because they always ended in tears when it was time to leave.

I disagree with staying at home, yes have quiet down time but kids need time away from the telly and daily fresh air. They're like puppies,they need a daily walk come what may.

Do you think it’s an attention-seeking thing? As in, he has realised being obnoxious gets your attention, regardless of it being good/bad attention? I just wondered because it does sound as though he has a higher need for your attention than some children.

I do think some kids sometimes resent being out of the house at all at weekends - mine are currently very keen on having “house days” - but I do understand your frustration in view of his energy levels and we also like to balance house days with fresh air.

Would he respond to something like board games, where everyone has to follow the same rules?

I am also not trying to armchair diagnose here but I have a DC who had a high need for attention at that age, and a huge need to control the agenda, whether that be the family agenda for the day or play on a more granular level. He didn’t really play by himself - he wanted to build the train track but not play with it, etc, and he certainly didn’t play creatively or play “small world” stuff. We now know he’s autistic and probably has ADHD as well. I’m just putting this out there as it’s good to see if you can get to the bottom of what is causing the behaviour and your response will probably be different depending on the cause.

DC1 can still be difficult about days out. We find sometimes we have to be very clear about boundaries - we ARE going out, you ARE coming, if you moan/whine throughout you won’t have tablet time when you get home, etc. Equally, we find it works best when he has a bit of a say about things - does he want to go to the forest or the park? Would he like to choose which snacks to take? It’s got a lot easier as he’s got older (10 now).

Does he know you’re going and know what time you’re going home?
Could he be a little anxious about leaving home and going to new places?
Is it timing? Like is he better getting up and out early or having some time at home and going out in the afternoon for example.
If you have ruled out any underlying issues then I’d be saying “we’re going to x place today, we’re going for a walk and you can go to the playground, then we’ll be home by x time”, if he winges when you’re there largely ignore but correct unacceptable behaviour like rudeness or running away the same as you usually would.

As for wanting undivided attention at home, my youngest was a bit like that and would have had us playing with her all day if she had her way. I’d get around it by laying out the structure of the day and telling her how long we would play “I will play for an hour then I will need to make lunch and then we’re going out for a walk” for example, sometimes I used to actually set alarms so she knew when the alarm went off it was time to do something else!

Hmm

What do you want the 15 mins for and how do you present it?

Reverse psychology is a big help.

'Would you rather help me sort out these socks or play with this Lego?'.

Then you go upstairs to sort out the socks sit on your bed. Or if he chooses to help you, take the chance to get jobs done with his help.

Do you think it’s an attention-seeking thing? As in, he has realised being obnoxious gets your attention, regardless of it being good/bad attention? I just wondered because it does sound as though he has a higher need for your attention

Agree, I think this is it in a nutshell.

I was just like your DS when I was a kid 😳 Hated being out/on holiday and complained a lot. I’m in my late 40s now and home is my most favourite place to be. We go on holidays, days out, do cool stuff… but home is my favourite.

Will he play more independently if he had a friend round or at the park with him? If so team up with another family.

My mother would leave me in the car with a see you later and carry on with my sisters. The world wasn't only about me and I learnt my lesson.

So what do you do if he escalates to the point of doing something dangerous? How do you handle that?

It sounds like you may have inadvertently taught him that those are the buttons to press to get your attention, so changing your own behaviour will need to be the first step.

Which wetland centre was open on boxing day anyway?

I don't think people are saying "never leave the house" just pointing out that there have only been two days in between the 23rd and today, and they were Christmas. Therefore many children are over tired and over excited right now.

Stop playing with him. If he asks say no. Play by yourself. Play with your sibling. I am absolutely 100% not playing with you. He needs to learn that he isn’t the centre of the universe and he either entertains himself or he gets taken out on trips he doesn’t enjoy. He sounds insufferable

My older DC (who is ND) was like this - an insatiable need for attention, poor impulse control, and a total willingness (like OP’s DC) to escalate behaviour when the attention was not forthcoming. We have had to be very clear about expectations and very firm about when attention is and isn’t an option - and when he just has to wait or entertain himself (eg when I’m
navigating a major roundabout, getting something out of the oven). The latter is praised/rewarded.

At that age, there was a fair amount of trying to divert and avoid situations before they escalated. No magic bullets - age and a better understanding of his temperament/underlying difficulties has helped. There was definitely some bad behaviour/unhelpful dynamics there as well - it wasn’t all about being ND.

Brilliant idea. Sometimes kids need to be not pandered to

He sounds ADHD. My dd could never play on her own. I could never leave her to play after I’d set it up, she’d just follow me even if l ignored her.

He has excess energy but mentally tired. Doesn’t like demands ( going out)

All points to the same thing.

I agree with this advice from this poster. I have a 7-year old who can act similarly. We are both so firm that any whining, complaining, or acting out for negative attention when we are out will result in a screen ban once we get home. Like your DS, the screen is the one thing he cares about and works very well as a deterrent.

However, you actually have to follow through on the ban. We had a week of screen ban recently and it definitely made my life much more difficult! I have 2 others younger kids to manage as well.