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Original poster

Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

282 replies

20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 14:34

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

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Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 15:57

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 26/12/2025 15:49

He sounds ADHD. My dd could never play on her own. I could never leave her to play after I’d set it up, she’d just follow me even if l ignored her.

He has excess energy but mentally tired. Doesn’t like demands ( going out)

All points to the same thing.

So people are going to scream ‘drip feed’ at me now but he also doesn’t sleep and finds social interaction difficult. I do try and organise play dates which my son seems to enjoy at the time but he can be so vile afterwards it’s a difficult balance. My husband and I are both not diagnosed with anything but his family is full of diagnosed autism and ADHD and I’m sure my brother has ADHD. We mentioned to school once but they said they hadn’t seen anything.

My husband just tried to help my 3 year old play with his duplo train set he had got for Christmas. My 6 year old seemed to be doing his Lego but when he noticed he turn round and just started destroying the track. I’m so at the end of my rope I just shouted at him and took away what he was playing with. I’m finding it all very difficult.

OP posts:
awrbc81 · 26/12/2025 16:05

It does sound like possible ADHD then, I’d be pushing for an assessment when he starts back at school, and research strategies for parenting kids with ADHD.
For the attention seeking behaviour I’d be dealing with it with as little fuss as possible “stop doing that it’s dangerous/silly/naughty” and remove him from the situation- but then go back to what you were doing before. He needs to learn he’s not in control you are, if you had you’ll play in an hour that you mean it even if he does start smashing his toys - you take the toys away but you’re still not going to drop everything and do what he wants.

Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:06

verycloakanddaggers · 26/12/2025 15:35

Hmm

What do you want the 15 mins for and how do you present it?

Reverse psychology is a big help.

'Would you rather help me sort out these socks or play with this Lego?'.

Then you go upstairs to sort out the socks sit on your bed. Or if he chooses to help you, take the chance to get jobs done with his help.

Show quote history

This is good advice, thank you. I think ‘independent play’ has almost become too much of a threat. We need to strip it back to what it should be. He’d hate being given an offer or chores or independent play at first, I mean really really hate…but continued exposure might just hammer the message home. Thanks again.

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6 year olds Behaviour & development Families General parenting
Tryingatleast · 26/12/2025 16:09

If he as up and running about at 8 the day after the excitement of Santa then cranky later I’d say that is tiredness. Also I always used to forget that little legs have to take twice as many steps as adults on days out

Odiebay · 26/12/2025 16:11

I don't know if this will help but my niece was just the same around that age.

The problem was everything was framed "for her" so every outing was for her and for her to enjoy. It made her feel like she was on control about whT at they ere doing. And when they left etc. Her parents started saying " we are going to the farm so we can all have fun and enjoy it" . Then when she started moaning they would tell her this so not for you this is for mummy too and she would really like to spend some time seeing the pigs. Sometimes we don't always enjoy what we are doing but we need to let others enjoy it. Changing the narrative did help as now she asks what are you most looking forward to and even asks me if I am enjoying it even if she's clearly not ,🤣

TeaRoseTallulah · 26/12/2025 16:12

Wrt Independent play, I used to start playing with DS and then say that I was just going to do the washing up and I would be back in 10 minutes...

Just expecting a child to 'go and play' can be too difficult for some.

verycloakanddaggers · 26/12/2025 16:14

TeaRoseTallulah · 26/12/2025 16:12

Wrt Independent play, I used to start playing with DS and then say that I was just going to do the washing up and I would be back in 10 minutes...

Just expecting a child to 'go and play' can be too difficult for some.

This is another good strategy.

Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:14

I know people mean well but today was literally an example. As I said in my opening post this has been going on for the best part of a year. So while Xmas may be a bit of a factor today, this is not new behaviour.

OP posts:
verycloakanddaggers · 26/12/2025 16:17

20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 15:57

So people are going to scream ‘drip feed’ at me now but he also doesn’t sleep and finds social interaction difficult. I do try and organise play dates which my son seems to enjoy at the time but he can be so vile afterwards it’s a difficult balance. My husband and I are both not diagnosed with anything but his family is full of diagnosed autism and ADHD and I’m sure my brother has ADHD. We mentioned to school once but they said they hadn’t seen anything.

My husband just tried to help my 3 year old play with his duplo train set he had got for Christmas. My 6 year old seemed to be doing his Lego but when he noticed he turn round and just started destroying the track. I’m so at the end of my rope I just shouted at him and took away what he was playing with. I’m finding it all very difficult.

Show quote history

Maybe just have a sit down and cup of tea. Some days are rough. If he has ADHD or autism for example, you can't behaviour manage it away, so perhaps a nice film and some colouring is enough for today.

susey · 26/12/2025 16:26

My first reply early on explicitly said it doesn't sound normal for a NT 6 year old and then OP drip fed that the child probably has autism or ADHD behaviours.

A child in my family acts just like you've described and has PDA (autism traits), awaiting formal diagnosis.

It's exhausting and you have to parent differently. they struggle with transitions and new activities. Hopefully this thread will help you see it's not your parenting, but it would help to get your child diagnosed for support rather than assuming his behaviour is typical for a 6 year old, because it's not.

INeedNewShoes · 26/12/2025 16:26

We go out for fresh air every single day, whether it be a walk, bike ride, playground, visit to somewhere or whatever. Some kids (and actually I reckon this is most) really benefit from fresh air and a run around.

I'm surprised at the people thinking you shouldn't have gone out for a couple of hours today.

DeafLeppard · 26/12/2025 16:26

Does he ever get to burn off energy in a non-organised fashion? So not an “official” trip out to a wetlands centre, but just a couple of hours of tearing around the garden or at the local park?

Agree that kids need lots of exercise, but it can be tricky getting that in in a way that grown ups can manage too.

BertieBotts · 26/12/2025 16:27

Well I was going to say he sounds like my two who have ADHD right from the first post and particularly from the one where you highlighted the "intense" descriptor. So not a drip feed at all from my side.

Obv not a diagnosis by internet before anyone jumps on me, but it's worth considering underlying difficulties contributing to this behaviour. Schools don't always notice anything other than the most extreme cases.

And IME you can't fix this kind of thing with consequences. He probably won't understand why he's got them and will experience the entire thing as wholly unfair and that will simply create further bad feeling around going out and doing things as a family.

Instead you want to think of it like training - small, manageable increments in behaviour change. Start with short bursts of independent play and then work up to longer ones. Shorter/easy win type trips out and

The book "Step by step help for children with ADHD" was recommended to me on here and I am finding it really helpful if a bit hard to follow.

MumChp · 26/12/2025 16:27

tumbletoast · 26/12/2025 15:45

Which wetland centre was open on boxing day anyway?

I don't think people are saying "never leave the house" just pointing out that there have only been two days in between the 23rd and today, and they were Christmas. Therefore many children are over tired and over excited right now.

I have taken ours to the zoo today. They are open all year. For the fresh air and exercise. They needed it and had a good play. The local wetland is only closed on Christmas day.

BertieBotts · 26/12/2025 16:29

There is also a good instagram account called the.teacher.momma - I usually think social media parenting advice is dire but she has had some helpful reframes which helped me. I think I can tend towards being a bit too child-centred and she has some very helpful ways of framing boundaries and so on.

Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:31

susey · 26/12/2025 16:26

My first reply early on explicitly said it doesn't sound normal for a NT 6 year old and then OP drip fed that the child probably has autism or ADHD behaviours.

A child in my family acts just like you've described and has PDA (autism traits), awaiting formal diagnosis.

It's exhausting and you have to parent differently. they struggle with transitions and new activities. Hopefully this thread will help you see it's not your parenting, but it would help to get your child diagnosed for support rather than assuming his behaviour is typical for a 6 year old, because it's not.

I really didn’t mean to drip feed.

But fundamentally he doesn’t have a diagnosis. And school seem to be okay. So while there may be something there I also want to make sure I’m doing everything I can as a parent as well.

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Mumofoneandone · 26/12/2025 16:32

Please get hold of a copy of There's no such thing as naughty and there's still no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverstone. It's a game changer in understanding children and their behaviour.
All behaviour is communication but you need to understand the language!

blackpooolrock · 26/12/2025 16:33

20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 14:39

Thanks. I have been good at ignoring but it’s really getting me down to be honest. I guess that’s a me problem though.

I think most parents get fed up of it tbh but it's ok to try and minimise their moaning by trying to distract them from it.

Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:33

And IME you can't fix this kind of thing with consequences. He probably won't understand why he's got them and will experience the entire thing as wholly unfair and that will simply create further bad feeling around going out and doing things as a family

This is literally what happens every time we try and implement a consequence @BertieBotts. Everything just escalates massively.

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Kevinbaconsrealwife · 26/12/2025 16:38

BreatheAndFocus · 26/12/2025 15:22

Good fences make good neighbours children, OP. You need to set boundaries. It’s actually kind to do so. Children can’t cope without boundaries.

Now, I appreciate that’s not always easy and every child is different with regard to where you need to put the ‘fences’, but one thing leapt out at me is that you and your DH are constantly playing with your DS at his demand. It’s good to play with him, but you need to have boundaries and show you’re in charge. Say that yes, you’d love to play X but you’ll be 15 mins as first you need to do Y. Then when you start playing, set his expectations. You’re not there as his servant, you are in charge, so set an end time, either formally or when you’ve had enough (by saying you’ll play for 10 mins more, until the end of the game, etc).

As for your DS ruining trips out, then I think you need to be firmer. Obviously if he’s got a genuine complaint, listen and adapt if reasonable, but basically say that you’re the adults, you set the schedule, and he’s not going to spoil everyone’s day out. If he carries on whinging, don’t tell him off directly, but try making a helpful comment, eg “Oh dear, DH, DS is fussing again. He must be tired and needs an early night” or “We’d better take DS’s iPad/TV away as it seems to be making him behave badly”. You’ll get scowls to start with, but he’ll gradually learn who’s in charge. As he becomes older/better behaved, you can offer him a choice of where to go, but let him choose between two options only, both chosen by you. Don’t let him add a third option. Be very matter of fact about it, “Well, if you won’t choose, we will”.

Completely agree with all you’ve said…

Chasbots · 26/12/2025 16:41

I'm just discovering how bad I am at transitions and I'm middle fifties.

It doesn't matter (for now) if he has adhd or not, use the adhd strategies for managing his behaviour. I'd also be asking him to reflect on why he's whinging, so he gets to understand his behaviour and how it impacts on others.

Even if you have adhd and find life difficult (I do, dx'd) you still have to occasionally suck it up and get on with things.

BUT and it's a big but, having people around you who understand and give you space for your behaviour is so much more relaxing than having to navigate stressed adults. Find some mutual areas of calm.

He sounds like he's used to you always entertaining him and that's probably a bit overstimulating. Having a meltdown does actually make you feel better, if you have adhd, it's there for a reason as it dissipates the overwhelm.

Cakeandcardio · 26/12/2025 16:47

When behaviour is bad, the parents have often made a wrong decision.

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/12/2025 16:49

It's only 3 days since the 23rd! Perhaps he just needed time at home and is feeling overwhelmed by Christmas?

Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:50

Cakeandcardio · 26/12/2025 16:47

When behaviour is bad, the parents have often made a wrong decision.

Okay, great platitude but it doesn’t really help me make things better does it?

OP posts:
Original poster
20Twenty6 · 26/12/2025 16:53

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/12/2025 16:49

It's only 3 days since the 23rd! Perhaps he just needed time at home and is feeling overwhelmed by Christmas?

As per a couple of posts this behaviour is not limited to today. It’s been going on for months. If I had a 6 year old who was being a dick as a one off on Boxing Day I wouldn’t have wasted time posting about it on MN.

And he is currently trying to somersault of his bed. So while I am not a kid expert (someone kindly described my kid as sounding ‘completely insufferable’ upthread), his physical energy clearly dose not match his mental energy, and we are really struggling with that.

OP posts: