MIL over stepping boundaries

[CMC13]

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

This is your anxiety talking. You can stick with my child my rules (even though at her age she's not a newborn and I had assumed you meant kissing on the mouth or something, not feet!) and isolate your child from a loving grandparent and drive a rift between you and your husband, or you can work on your health anxiety.

Have to agree here.
Enjoy your babies x

Me three. This is your anxiety taking over and affecting lots of relationships: DH and MIL, each child and their DGM, you and your MIL, you and DH. From someone without health anxiety: stopping a grandmother from kissing her baby grandchildren is wrong on so many levels. They’re at home and 4mo corrected, not in the NICU. You need to stop focusing your anxiety on this, and work on resolving it. It’s not fair on anyone.

God its so sad that we live in a world where grandparents can't kiss their grandchildren any more.

I see so many posts of grandparents not being allowed to see, kiss or even hold their grandchildren through fear of the baby catching something.

Sad, just sad.

Yes it would be sad if a newborn got rsv or the flu through kissing. I can't understand some grandparents common sense either. My mum said she can't understand people kissing babies especially newborns and she's a grandparent. I may have postpartum anxiety but that's not my fault, isn't that also sad? Living in fear every day because your brain is telling you to? I have another 3 weeks until my therapy session. I've waited 3 months, atleast I'm doing something about it.

Your MIL kissing your baby's foot is not going to make her ill.

First of all, your babies are not newborn anymore. Second, flu viruses are usually transmitted airborne. If someone in the vicinity of you has a flu virus, then you don’t need to be kissing them to catch it.
And third, get some help with your health anxiety.

Yes I may have postpartum anxiety but this has been fuelled by her ridiculous behaviour. ( theres a lot to this ) She has fallen out with her son not just because of me but because she keeps causing unnecessary arguments with him. I should also state she gets cold sores which is dangerous for under 6 month old babies so I'd rather not take the risk for her own feelings getting hurt. My family are completely understanding and aren't offended by it at all. Its not forever.

Sounds like the perfect compromise! Granny can kiss the babies but not in a way where there’s any chance of her giving them a cold. I’d let her carry on.

That's not the point. If she gets away with one thing it'll be their mouths and faces next week. I'd rather just no kissing through the winter mouths with the flu and rsv. I got told by a midwife its rife and can be very dangerous especially for babies under 6 months. MIL also works in a hospital that it currently under strict rules due to extreme winter illnesses.

It’s perfectly normal these days to ask people who live outside the home not to kiss babies, especially at this time of year. Making this request is not health anxiety.

Her kissing the baby on the feet is unlikely to cause an issue to your baby’s health. It feels like the bigger issue is that she cannot respect your boundaries and rather than be respectful, she is trying to find ways to erode them.

I do think this is quite irrational. If MIL had flu or RSV you would need her to not breathe near the baby, banning kissing wouldn’t cut it.

I’m afraid I think the health aspect is often a cover for a less socially acceptable visceral revulsion at having someone you don’t personally love - or feel physically affectionate towards - having that close/intimate a relationship with your baby. It’s really sad and very hurtful for the grandparent. If that isn’t the case here, then I think your health anxiety is quite severe and you do need some help with it.

I honesty despair these days all these newborns are going to grow up to be totally useless humans 😒

Op, you're getting a hard time and you calearly have anxiety. BUT, the posterse are right - this is not a hill to die on. And a grandmother kissing a baby's feet is really not a big deal. It's good that you're seeking help for your anxiety, but you need to take a calm look at things - is feet kissing really an issue? No, it's not.

If you want to ask people to respect your boundaries, offering a compromise is an option.

Also, the cold sores thing is valid... but I don't understand why you woldn't have said that up front.

Shes lied about feeling ill before and actually sat next to me whilst I was pregnant with a chest infection... so I'd rather not take my chances tbf. Also, I am but you can't just click your fingers on the NHS. You have to wait your turn.

I kiss my baby grandson on his lovely woolly-smelling head x

Thank you, someone who understands!! 🙌🙌 This is exactly it. It'll be the foot this week and the face the next. She can't help herself and its fueling my anxiety. I'd rather just no kissing at all at the moment.

You were pregnant with a chest infection?

We have said, she doesn't care.

No I meant she had a chest infection from a virus which could of made me very poorly. I previously was in hospital 6 months previous from a traumatic miscarriage so I didnt want any risk back then either.

You’re clearly feeling vulnerable and getting angry to defend yourself because you feel attacked. My mum has health anxiety, I’m familiar with how it feels to be on the receiving end. So, in the nicest way:

Your babies aren’t newborns. They’re through the most risky part, they need to build their immune systems.

Flu and rsv isn’t transmitted through kissing. They’re airborne illnesses. You’ll know this when your children start school (or if you google it) and you see they’re not all kissing each other every time they come home with a viral infection.

It’s not common sense, or even sense, that kissing a child’s food risks exposure to the flu. Can you hear what you’re saying? It’s easier to believe that you hate your MIL and don’t want her around your babies, than to believe you think a human can catch the flu via their feet. Again, can you hear what you’re trying to make people believe?

Nobody is saying your postpartum anxiety is your fault. It’s nobody’s fault, and even if it were that would be irrelevant. It is your problem, which is a very different thing. Making other people work around your problems isn’t solving them. It’s shirking responsibility for them. It’s selfish, irresponsible and will ultimately backfire on you (if you really can only think about yourself). I do hope you want to solve your problems, rather than indulge and nurture them.

Whatever your brain is telling you to do: it’s your brain, in your head. You have to take responsibility for its erratic behaviour. Nobody else can or should do that for you, everyone else has their own brains in their own heads telling them their own things.

Basically, you need to take responsibility for yourself. You can’t expect the world to act irrationally in order to make you feel better, especially when you’re forcing people to behave to their own detriment and accusing them of things when they don’t. That’s not how life works. Well done on seeking help. Make sure you engage with it rather than continue to lash out in anger and blame other people for things that aren’t even happening. It’s really not fair of you and no, you don’t get a pass because it’s not your fault. Nobody does.

You're not going to listen to responses that don't support your own wonky view. I feel for your family. Kisses and cuddles are lovely.

Most health recommendations are that only parents should be kissing babies until they are at least 3 months. Problem with this MIL is that she doesn't seem to accept any boundaries. So OP has rules and MIL tries to find ways round them or ignores them. So most grannies will accept feet kissing or top of head but I assume OP has experience that MIL will do that one week and ignore completely the following .

I'm not defending myself, they're genuine things that have gone on. So, if someone has depression that's their fault because its their brain? Your poor mum.

Thank you for understanding and not just blaming me for having postpartum anxiety x