MIL over stepping boundaries

[CMC13]

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

It’s not a question of fault. Or blame. Fault and blame are completely irrelevant to facts. There’s a problem that needs to be fixed. The ONLY question is who takes responsibility for the problem. The ONLY person who can take responsibility for their health is the person with the problem. Can you understand that?

She didn't say it was your fault, she said it's your responsibility. Which it is. My depressions have been my responsibility too.

You clearly dislike your partner's mum. You need to compromise a bit - of course a grandparent wants to cuddle and kiss their grandchildren - it's the natural response. So the top of their heads or their gorgeous little feet, not their faces.

You can't expect her to follow your rules when your rules are so unreasonable and fuelled by your own acknowledged anxieties.

Its highly highly unlikely your baby will catch anything from its grandmother kissing its feet. She is the grandmother, she loves them and wants to give them kisses. It must be so frustrating for her not to be allowed to show affection. Its a normal natural thing for her to want to do this.

I'm sorry, I do think its sad.

I am sorry for your postpartum anxiety, I really am, and I hope for your sake, and your babies sake, that your therapy sessions work for you and that you find a way to cope with this. You will have a very rough ride, all through their childhood, if you can't get your anxiety about them getting ill/hurt under control. You will be living in hell. Good Luck with it.

Yes, I'm waiting for thearpy. You can't hurry the NHS. I had to go to the doctors to get on the list therefore I have taken responsibility.

I would say getting help and going to the GP is taking responsibility. No?

The best thing a grandparent can do for their relationship with their grandchildren is get along with the mother and father of those grandchildren.

Instead, often there seems to be an attitude of “it’s my grandchild too!” & “I won’t be told what to do”. A MIL trying to assert herself into the dynamic instead of respecting the boundary.

All she is doing is making you less comfortable with her being around your babies. How does she think that will play out in her interests, or the interests of the grandchildren?!

I wonder if this anxiety about germs/illness is actually about something else? Are these your first babies?

Basically I say this because when I had my babies, each time I felt very possessive and protective over them. I wasn't afraid of germs but I didn't like a lot of involvement from extended family. With my first baby (which was also the first grandchild in the family) I felt that there was a lot of pressure for me to let other people be involved with the baby when I didn't want them to. I wanted to do everything for the baby on my own. I felt stressed if they were crying and someone else was soothing them. I didn't want to leave them in the care of others even for an hour. As much as people say babies feel attached to their parents, I felt very attached to my baby. This all naturally subsided as my baby got to 9 months and became more sturdy, cried less and had less frequent needs and by that point I was happy for other people to become more involved.

By the time 2nd baby came along the grandparents were satisfied with the company of my older child who was nearly 2 so it was easier for me to have the space I needed to be with my second baby until I felt ready to give them over to other people more (again it was about 9 months that I felt okay with this).

Anyway I say this because I can sort of relate to how protective and possessive you sound over your baby. I look back on it now and can see very clearly that it was my instinct taking over to make sure I looked after my baby well.

Maybe this doesn't apply to your situation but thought I would share as I understand the sort of anxious protective feeling you can have over a baby, however that manifests.

Thank you for being understanding. This is exactly it. If boundaries are respected we will all get on. Its not forever.

As is acknowledging you are excessively concerned about health issues so need to remember to pull back.

Having anxiety or depression isn't a free pass to impose it on others. We have to actively manage our conditions to minimise their impact on those around us. It's hard going, and I empathise, but it's true.

Thank you. I had a really traumatic miscarriage 6 months before coming pregnant with my twin girls. I had identical twins which is classed as a high risk pregnancy due to sharing a placenta a lot could go wrong. Luckily it didnt but maybe that's why I feel that bit more protective over them because I have lost and then the worry of my pregnancy with the girls. Thank you for sharing and being understanding x

I’m with you OP. It’s the principle of it which would inflame me.

Regardless of the kissing scenario, I think there’s a much bigger back story to this but try not to let her disrespect and boundary breaking cause rows with DH if it can be avoided. If a row starts up, point out to him that he’s allowing your inconsiderate MIL to cause it. Is that what he wants? Hmmm?

Shes pushing your buttons and besides that, cold sores are a life long nightmare if a child gets them.

Ask her to just wait please until baby is a bit older and has more immunity.

Well done on seeking help. You have an appointment, that’s the very first step. As yet, you’re untreated, your anxiety is overruling your rational self. So, while you’re waiting for your appointment and then receiving therapy and until the therapy has resolved or largely helped you resolve your anxiety - back down on letting your anxiety impact relationships. Bite your tongue, lean on your DH (assuming he doesn’t share your anxieties, sounds like he doesn’t), listen to factual medical advice rather than the voice in your head. Accept that you have this problem and that you can’t let it run rampant without consequence.

As for MIL overstepping boundaries: kissing your babies on their feet sounds like her finding a way to ensure everyone gets what they need/want, but if there are other issues they absolutely need to be dealt with. The arrival of grandchildren via a DIL can do strange things to a mother! There’s often a period of everyone adjusting themselves to a new world order, with MIL and DIL vying for who has supremacy in which domain, and a more or less engaged son/DH in the middle. Of course your mum is going to see things your way (or rather, vice versa), you’re her child who she raised. Not at all the case for a MIL.

The issue is not about kissing the babies, it's about her disrespecting your parenting choices and ignoring the smallest of boundaries.

Her coming over and immediately kissing the babies' feet is her way of showing she is still in control. That was very calculated. It also reinforced that she will push back on any boundary she set.

The cold sore thing is a very real problem. If she kisses those babies anywhere on the face when she has one, those babies will then have them for life. As a cold sore sufferer myself, I am enraged that someone was selfish enough to kiss me as a baby when they had a cold sore. I have taken extreme care never to pass this along to my child.

I would absolutely remain firm. Your children. Your rules.

Thank you!! This is exactly it! Exactly my partner has them too, I wonder where he got his from....but he doesnt kiss them and keeps his distant when he has a flare ups. Just respect simply boundaries and there wouldn't be any problems x

OP, I'm with you. It's completely usual, in my social circle, to ask grandparents not to kiss!

Regardless of your reasons (or other people's interpretations of them), you've set a clear boundary and expectation, and she is ignoring it time and time again.

That isn't very respectful and it's certainly not nurturing of this new dynamic.

How old are you OP? I was this way with a former MIL when I was late teens early 20’s, she drove me crazy and she was rude - I believe you that she’s rude. However, looking back now (25 years later) I can see that I was so offended and so hurt that my OH didn’t stick up for me that I really made a mountain out of a molehill about some things and that just made my own life harder to be honest. Do you have twins? (I have them too) and man it’s hard so coupled with your anxiety I can see why you’re struggling ❤️.
My advice is this and you can choose to follow it or not but I promise it comes from a place of trying to help. Let some stuff go, it’s not good for you to be so wound up, I doubt that kissing their feet would make them ill, I know you think it’ll turn into her kissing their faces but it might not. If you are argumentative about everything your OH is going to keep pushing against you, that’s his Mum that he grew up with, she cared for him when he was sick etc, unless she’s pure evil he’s not going to want to hurt her. The moment I started to let it go my OH (now ex) saw her for what she was and I sat back and watched them argue it out without the stress. Keep going with the therapy. No one here is upset except you my love. It took me years to realise that, MIL wasn’t and OH wasn’t so what’s the point? Go into another room and leave them to it if you need to. They’re your babies and they will adore you when they’re older, Nan’s are loved but they’re not Mum, there’s no competition I promise.

Thank you! You've got it spot on. She doesnt listen to a word. No means no. She's only going to get worse as well. Everyone else repects it why can't she
?!

Try and chill out a bit and let everyone enjoy your new baby, you can never have enough people who truly love your baby - bet MIL will always be one who does

If you can't enjoy a new baby without kissing it, something is severely wrong.

Kindly, I think you’re being OTT. I was like this with my MIL after my first baby. I think we all get a bit over sensitive and we take offence to everything MIL’s do because often they do overstep, but I don’t think they mean to. Now I have 3 kids, I am mortified at how over the top I was with MIL & can see I was irrational at times.

She probably assumes you meant no kissing the face. I think feet is a good compromise.

I get that it’s annoying you though, so I would get your partner to address it.

When DS2 was 4 weeks old, my mother came to visit from Canada. I wish I had said no kissing the baby because she gave him RSV and he was admitted to hospital for a week. They honestly didn't know if he would recover (although he did) and it was the worst week of my life. I totally hear you.

Also, I don’t think it necessarily means that she will start to kiss the babies on the face because you let her Kiss the toes

You have had premie twins who are sub six months - you are in the depths of sleep deprivation, and learning to cope with two extra little people and all that it entails. Your ML should be being supportive and kind, not trying to push boundaries and make you feel unreasonable. It's nothing to do with kissing babies, its to do with her care of you and your needs.
I'm sure I was wildly OTT when I was coping on such little sleep, but thankfully, my family graciously put up with me and my crazy and were generally supportive.

I'm genuinely shocked by the responses here - did you all have your babies a long time ago?! You are so out of date!!!

NHS advise is NO kissing by anyone other than main carers for AT LEAST 3 to 4 months, and longer during cold/flu/winter virus season. There is fuck all benefit to the babies being kissed, this is entirely about what grandma wants. They don't need it, and it certainly isn't helpful to "build their immune system". She is being wholly unreasonable not respecting your rules and clearer there's more going on here.

OP yes you need to get your anxiety in check, but the fact you're anxious shouldn't be used as an excuse to gaslight you into thinking your judgements off. You are following NHS guidance!

I think a lot of older folk on here don't realise the guidance has changed for kissing. It's advised by NHS no kissing because RSV does kill babies and can be nothing in sdults. This is always the case with RSV on here - the older folk blame the "mother's anxiety". Sorry your MIL can't behave, OP.