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Original poster

MIL over stepping boundaries

180 replies

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 14:48

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:00

Mh67 · 05/12/2025 21:42

Can't wait for this generation to become grandparents and be told not to kiss baby. Funnily enough it's always in-laws told no not the birth mothers family.

I'll happily not if that's their wishes. I never kissed my brothers baby because they didn't want people to. Actually you're wrong, its a rule for both sides of the family. I've stated my mum doesn't kiss them yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:02

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 05/12/2025 20:43

I don’t think OP needs to chill out. From what I’ve read (not read everyone’s in detail) I think it’s the fact she’s ignoring the request. If OP gives an inch, MIL will take a mile. So it’s easier to say no kissing at all, than to say kissing feet/top of head it ok (because it won’t stop there).

I can understand feeling protective and I think with MIL the fact she’s not listening probably gets your spidey senses going and makes you wonder what else she’ll ignore. That’s not a comfortable relationship. It’s like she’s doing it on purpose - either completely ignoring or a “I can do what I want - I’m grandma” approach. Neither will help the relationship.

Im sorry you’re feeling anxious OP but well done for seeking help. And well done for bringing two little babies into the world. Not an easy task at all.

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Exactly this! Thank you for being so kind and understanding❤️

OP posts:
Frugalgal · 05/12/2025 22:03

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 14:48

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

I'd normally say 5 months is past the point after which you need to worry but the flu that's doing the rounds is meant to be terrible. Has she had a flu jab?

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TheAutumnCrow · 05/12/2025 22:05

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 15:55

Shes lied about feeling ill before and actually sat next to me whilst I was pregnant with a chest infection... so I'd rather not take my chances tbf. Also, I am but you can't just click your fingers on the NHS. You have to wait your turn.

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I get you, OP, especially if she’s prone to cold sores, fibbing about things, and pushing boundaries.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:06

Disenchantedone · 05/12/2025 21:50

Sounds like your mil is actually making your anxiety worse. As a new mum you would think she would be supporting and helping you. Sounds like she is on a mission to just do what she wants. It isn't about kissing a baby on the feet. It is about her being told no kisses and she has thought, i will if i want to... I think you could be in for a tough time moving forward.

This is exactly what I'm trying to say. Exactly, she wants her own way and this is going to cause further problems if it isn't stopped now. Problem is she doesn't listen either. I don't get why she is doing this.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:09

Frugalgal · 05/12/2025 22:03

I'd normally say 5 months is past the point after which you need to worry but the flu that's doing the rounds is meant to be terrible. Has she had a flu jab?

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Probably not. When we told his parents the babies had their jabs the response was "I wouldnt bother with that rubbish" she also works in a hospital that's currently on strict rules due to this flu going around.

OP posts:
EdgyCrab · 05/12/2025 22:13

OP, sorry for some of the ignorant responses here.

My baby has spent 8 weeks in NICU/HDU/SCU and I am grappling with some of the issues you are dealing with. It's clear you have some health anxiety, and I do too. It's not unreasonable. I won't go so far as to say no one on here has had a baby in NICU but it's clear many haven't, you are getting a lot of grief from people who have no idea what it's like.

It's true, kissing your baby's feet is unlikely to give her an illness. But that's not the point - your child, your rules. Funny how in some instances it's acceptable to adopt that stance - until it's a decision someone doesn't like. It's not cool for your MIL to try and erode your boundaries, regardless of what those boundaries are around.

Your MIL has a lifetime to kiss her grandchild - it wouldn't be a violation of her human rights to wait out her grandchild's first flu and RSV season.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:19

EdgyCrab · 05/12/2025 22:13

OP, sorry for some of the ignorant responses here.

My baby has spent 8 weeks in NICU/HDU/SCU and I am grappling with some of the issues you are dealing with. It's clear you have some health anxiety, and I do too. It's not unreasonable. I won't go so far as to say no one on here has had a baby in NICU but it's clear many haven't, you are getting a lot of grief from people who have no idea what it's like.

It's true, kissing your baby's feet is unlikely to give her an illness. But that's not the point - your child, your rules. Funny how in some instances it's acceptable to adopt that stance - until it's a decision someone doesn't like. It's not cool for your MIL to try and erode your boundaries, regardless of what those boundaries are around.

Your MIL has a lifetime to kiss her grandchild - it wouldn't be a violation of her human rights to wait out her grandchild's first flu and RSV season.

Thank you❤️
Its mad how many nasty people are on here. Really out of order some of them. Really insensitive to mental health aswell, let's just hope they don't have mental health problems in the future and people be rude and nasty to them at an already hard time. Exactly, it won't hurt until the winter has passed! I honestly dont get it. Surely she'd rather see them well? Obviously not, which is concerning!

OP posts:
TheAutumnCrow · 05/12/2025 22:22

OP, I think you’re anxious around your MiL because you can’t trust her, unfortunately.

EdgyCrab · 05/12/2025 22:24

Honestly, ignore them. Lot of mothers-in-law mad that their daughters-in-law have different ideas to them. The one thing I would say is think long and hard about the health anxiety and how it's impacting you, more than anything. But don't bow to societal/external pressure to override your maternal instincts. As for bonding with grandma, your babies are only a few months old, they probably don't give a rats a$$ about anyone but their Mum - for now, you are all they need ❤️ you are doing a great job Mama.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:26

TheAutumnCrow · 05/12/2025 22:22

OP, I think you’re anxious around your MiL because you can’t trust her, unfortunately.

You're right, she does make me anxious and on edge as she's had multiple opportunities to help me gain her trust after not listening during the newborn stage and now its carry on....hopefully my thearpy helps.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:30

EdgyCrab · 05/12/2025 22:24

Honestly, ignore them. Lot of mothers-in-law mad that their daughters-in-law have different ideas to them. The one thing I would say is think long and hard about the health anxiety and how it's impacting you, more than anything. But don't bow to societal/external pressure to override your maternal instincts. As for bonding with grandma, your babies are only a few months old, they probably don't give a rats a$$ about anyone but their Mum - for now, you are all they need ❤️ you are doing a great job Mama.

Thank you! I've got my therapy starting in 3 weeks, so I'm feeling positive about that helping. I won't, I'm going to carry on the boundaries until I feel its safe. Exactly, they even look around for me if other people are holding them. Thank you so much❤️

OP posts:
Anxioustealady · 05/12/2025 22:32

I wouldn't want someone who gets coldsores kissing my face, so why's it alright on a baby?

If an immunocompromised adult said "don't kiss me and wash your hands when you visit", people would respect that. Imagine someone deciding they'll just kiss their feet instead, that'd be crazy.

OP you speak for your babies, and are just trying to protect them.

You're being a good mom OP and following the modern guidance, a lot of PP are out of date. Yes you admit you have health anxiety so you worry more than most but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I have a 3 month old and I'm the same.

People saying they can't bond with a baby unless they can kiss it are weird. I always follow exactly what parents want (out of respect) and that makes them feel comfortable with me looking after their baby. It comes naturally to respect the parents.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:36

Anxioustealady · 05/12/2025 22:32

I wouldn't want someone who gets coldsores kissing my face, so why's it alright on a baby?

If an immunocompromised adult said "don't kiss me and wash your hands when you visit", people would respect that. Imagine someone deciding they'll just kiss their feet instead, that'd be crazy.

OP you speak for your babies, and are just trying to protect them.

You're being a good mom OP and following the modern guidance, a lot of PP are out of date. Yes you admit you have health anxiety so you worry more than most but it doesn't mean you're wrong. I have a 3 month old and I'm the same.

People saying they can't bond with a baby unless they can kiss it are weird. I always follow exactly what parents want (out of respect) and that makes them feel comfortable with me looking after their baby. It comes naturally to respect the parents.

Exactly! Yes imagine just going around kissing people's feet😂 just keep your lips to yourself. Thank you, that means a lot after some of these horrible comments from people on here. I'm trying my hardest to keep them safe at a not so safe time of year. I'll never be sorry for that, ever!❤️

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 05/12/2025 22:40

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 15:47

Yes I may have postpartum anxiety but this has been fuelled by her ridiculous behaviour. ( theres a lot to this ) She has fallen out with her son not just because of me but because she keeps causing unnecessary arguments with him. I should also state she gets cold sores which is dangerous for under 6 month old babies so I'd rather not take the risk for her own feelings getting hurt. My family are completely understanding and aren't offended by it at all. Its not forever.

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Seems weird not to mention cold sores from the off…. If this is true, well she should know not to kiss a baby if she is prone to cold sores. You can hug a baby and bond without kissing ffs.

FourNaanJeremy · 05/12/2025 22:41

I’m glad OP has some supportive replies here because I think some people are missing the point.

It’s not really about health anxiety and germs. Or at least not completely. It’s like someone else said - MIL not respecting OP’s boundaries is making OP feel that she can’t fully trust her. OP has made a really simple request - please don’t kiss the babies. MIL is deliberately ignoring that, and it’s not ok.

TheAutumnCrow · 05/12/2025 22:43

FourNaanJeremy · 05/12/2025 22:41

I’m glad OP has some supportive replies here because I think some people are missing the point.

It’s not really about health anxiety and germs. Or at least not completely. It’s like someone else said - MIL not respecting OP’s boundaries is making OP feel that she can’t fully trust her. OP has made a really simple request - please don’t kiss the babies. MIL is deliberately ignoring that, and it’s not ok.

I very much agree.

Also, this is the Parenting board, not the bear pit that is AIBU, fgs.

AvidLurker · 05/12/2025 22:44

I could have wrote this word for word 10 years ago. I don’t have the best advice because I developed an unhealthy hatred for MIL which I couldn’t manage and I just cut contact, I didn’t stop contact between inlaws/DC and DH, just me. 6 years later we made up and now I do regret the NC but if I didn’t do that it’s likely I would still be hate filled.
MIL and co. would go to the NICU without my consent in the short times I was not there and pick DDs up, rock/bounce them way too vigorously than I believed their tiny bodies could manage, especially after a tube feed. They desperately needed to gain weight and all that swinging used to make them vomit. I had to tell the NICU staff to not allow anyone besides me and DH to pick DDs up. In hindsight was I a bit OTT, maybe? But same as you my family respected all my boundaries and it infuriated me they couldn’t do the same.

I fully understand your view of if you allow x then MIL will push to do y. Like I said no decent advice, but fully emphasise with you 💕

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 22:50

FourNaanJeremy · 05/12/2025 22:41

I’m glad OP has some supportive replies here because I think some people are missing the point.

It’s not really about health anxiety and germs. Or at least not completely. It’s like someone else said - MIL not respecting OP’s boundaries is making OP feel that she can’t fully trust her. OP has made a really simple request - please don’t kiss the babies. MIL is deliberately ignoring that, and it’s not ok.

Exactly! Thank you for actually understanding❤️

OP posts:
rainbows40 · 05/12/2025 23:00

I was initially going to say you're overreacting but after reading your replies and your other post about your mil, I'm with you all the way. Your mil sounds like an idiot for want of a better word.
What adult winds babies up to the point they throw up??
Fancy making stupid noises and jumping up and down when they're feeding? I feel like she's deliberately trying to wind you up!
If be staying as far away from her as possible.
As a mother, you have to toughen up. It sounds like you're doing this just fine and advocating for your girls perfectly. I was the same as you in that I was timid and have anxiety. But when you have kids, you find it in you to ignore your anxieties and stand up for what you believe is best for your kids.

Keep doing what you're doing, only stop letting it annoy you so much. Put your foot down firmly and keep it there. I would only allow her to see the babies from a distance as in she won't be getting anywhere near them to hold them let alone kiss them. She's wound me up and I don't even know her.
Just remember, it doesn't matter what your quirks are, or your anxieties - if you have rules about your girls then they should be respected. End of.

Phoenixfire1988 · 05/12/2025 23:04

ErlingHaalandsManBun · 05/12/2025 15:36

God its so sad that we live in a world where grandparents can't kiss their grandchildren any more.

I see so many posts of grandparents not being allowed to see, kiss or even hold their grandchildren through fear of the baby catching something.

Sad, just sad.

i have a grandaughter i never once kissed her as a baby rsv can be lethal a simple coldsore can kill a baby we know better now so we bloody well do better !!!

donaldtrumponlyhasonedancemove · 05/12/2025 23:10

What opinions is it you are looking for OP? Seems like you are shutting down anyone who has a different view. So what was the point of your post?

Pertinentowl · 05/12/2025 23:11

Can’t you find some helpful book for your health anxiety? God knows how long the wait list will be and it needs addressing.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 23:18

Pertinentowl · 05/12/2025 23:11

Can’t you find some helpful book for your health anxiety? God knows how long the wait list will be and it needs addressing.

Its in 3 weeks... I've waited 3 months and because I'm postpartum I got pushed to the top.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 23:25

donaldtrumponlyhasonedancemove · 05/12/2025 23:10

What opinions is it you are looking for OP? Seems like you are shutting down anyone who has a different view. So what was the point of your post?

Helpful ones. Not ones slamming me for having postpartum/health anxiety. Maybe some mums who have been through similar. If you look at the statistics of how many DIL dont get on with MIL because of very similar reasons to mine its shocking. I wanted support not on if they like my boundaries or not. Tbf I've had a lot of lovely mums commenting and being really supportive and lovely with good suggestions. So yeah there was a point in this post and if I feel like standing up for myself or I don't agree, I will. Is that ok?

OP posts: