MIL over stepping boundaries

[CMC13]

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

Stopping your mil kissing the babies feet isn't you keeping your babies safe, it's about you keeping you "safe". But the more you feed anxiety, the more it grows.

The concern here is how much pressure you are putting on yourself to stop your babies getting sick. Because they will, that's just life. And when they do it won't be a failure on your part.

Some of the replies you’re getting are nuts OP, I’m sorry.

You’re struggling with difficult conditions and very young twins. The very least a supportive grandparent could do is to respect your boundaries at this time.

It sounds like she’s absolutely not respecting them. Pretending not to be ill is incredibly shit of her, and would in no way make me feel confident that she wouldn’t also lie about a fading or oncoming cold sore. People can be as blasé as they like about cold sores, but they’re very dangerous for babies and beyond that they’re a horrible life long problem to have.

That’s not even getting into the fact that you can transfer the herpes infection into any other soft tissue, like nose, eyes and vulva. Obviously most children are going to be putting their hands in their mouths and touching the rest of their body without stopping to wash their hands if they do catch a cold sore of someone - it’s hard enough to do safely as an adult which is why so many people catch the cold sore virus! It’s also notable that men/boys seem to have more resistance to the virus, so your husband not having cold sores (if he managed not to catch them from his mum as a child) doesn’t mean your daughters have the same risk profile. He could also be an asymptomatic carrier.

This isn’t a health anxiety problem, it’s a common sense problem. She’s shown she’s prepared to be careless with your daughters’ health and your health already because she feels she knows best. I would not be letting her kiss my kids either.

Ultimately you need to have confidence in your own boundaries, and explain to her what the consequences are of crossing them, and follow through. It sounds like you’ll be getting help for your anxiety, but if your MIL can’t understand and be supportive then your husband needs to step up and look out for you, at least until you’re through this difficult time. Her actions come from a place of love and delight but she needs to recognise that they’re not helping right now.

Cold sores are contagious from the first tingle:

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/cold-sores/

If her mother doesn’t get prodromes (symptoms like the tingle), she could be infectious without realising it before the lesion arrives. These infections can be easily passed into other soft tissue like the genitals, nose and eyes, with the latter causing serious problems including risk of vision problems. People with cold sores also have a low chance of passing on infections even when completely symptomless: this is called asymptomatic shedding.

You sound very obsessive. I get that you have anxiety but if you aren’t careful you will pass that on to your children so I am glad you are getting help.
if I had tried to stop my mum or my MIL from kissing my babies they would have been very hurt. It’s not like random strangers, they are the child’s grandparents.
They are going to spend their lives around people with germs, they need to build immunity.
I’m not suggesting you let people near your baby when they are ill, I wouldn’t want that either, but generally a little kiss on the head will not hurt them.
I feel a bit sad for all of you.

Agree that it's not going to get your baby ill by Mil kissing it's feet. But I kind of get your frustration @CMC13. You have said no kissing during winter months so she ought to respect that. Or she can't see the baby. Your baby your rules- she can take it or leave it.
For my firstborn I was very nervous about him getting sick and said no kissing until summer (he was born in March). Told everyone to wash hands etc. I didn't kiss him in the face myself but on the head and all over his body. 3 years later ds2 and I just had to get over any health anxiety because ds1 came home with all ilnesses. Poor ds2 had chicken pox 4 months old and on it went so no use to be anxious about Mil kissing him - it was rather the other way- I told Mil to be careful not to catch anything from him!

It's a shame that's all you took from an excellent, thoughtful and caring response...

How was this response rude?

You seem to be attacking anyone who doesn't agree with you.

You're only getting abuse because you've been so rude to anyone who doesn't agree with you.

If you want advice, read every comment and take on board what they are saying, without taking it as criticism or judgement.

If you only want one answer, don't ask questions on the internet.

I'm not being rude at all. Its called standing up for yourself and defending what you think is right. I'm not backing down when people are making their own stories up and defending the kissing. There have been loads of lovely and helpful responses not always taking my side but giving advice in a nice and kind way. I don’t think blaming someone for their own mind and mental health is anyway kind or helpful. You don't blame people for a physical illness and say well its your body so it's your fault you've got that disease. I'm not responding anymore to this disgusting behaviour. Think before you speak, I would never treat another human being with a mental health condition like this ever. You should all be ashamed of yourselves and just hope its not your family one day. What a sad and horrible world we live in with some of these people commenting in.

Thank you, you're right I'm wasting my time arguing with people who have no idea what's its like having multiples. Some very very selfish and rude people on this platform. I think they use it to get there own problems out by being horrible to other people to make themselves feel better. Sad really. I knew I'd get a few negative responses but not blaming me for postpartum anxiety. How dare they, the more I think about it the sicker these people must be. I would never treat anyone like that especially with a mental health problem at a vulnerable time. Just shows I'm a much better person than they'll ever be and I'm proud of that. Just feel sorry for their children if I'm honest. Thank you for being so kind and supportive, means a lot🩷

Firstly, I respectfully disagree that your responses aren't rude. As an outsider reading the comments, your comments definitely come across as rude.
You can't stand up for and defend yourself without being rude.

Finally, I realise this is talking to a brick wall, your response to my (non-rude, non-judgemental) comment really tells me that you have closed ears and seem to be reading insults that are not actually present. You have mentioned a few times about being "blamed" or "judged" for your mental health. This is simply not true from what I have read. Some people have pointed out, most in a kind way, that poor mental health could be the reason for your reaction to the current situation. This is not blame or judgement. This is trying to help you identify a way forward.

If I can give one piece of advice, it is to go away for a while, then come back and read the comments without any preconception or defensiveness, read them as if they were not about you and about something you didn't care about. Hopefully then you may get something useful from this thread.

Unfortunately, the defensiveness and antagonism currently being shown will not help you one bit.

I hope you take this in the manner it was meant, kind and trying to help. If you think I'm being rude, or that my behaviour is "disgusting" then I really don't know what to say....

Edit, should read "you CAN stand up for yourself without being rude.

Others disagree that people are being rude and some are shocked by the horrible responses. What makes you think you're right over them?

Hope you have a lovely day.

Stick to your guns OP.
My MIL gave my DD coldsores because she could not stop kissing my baby. None of us has suffered with them. If we stated no kissing the baby she would claim we didn't want her to bond with her DGC. I also had PND. My DH pandered to his mother in the beginning. That changed pretty quickly when our second DC was born and she didn't like boys. (That's a whole other thread though 😒)

Unless you've lived it, I don't think you can understand. I had prenatal anxiety because of how my MIL behaved. She literally wanted me out of the picture so she could have "her baby" and her son. I was in the way. All the photos in her house were of our DD and my DH, all the clothes she bought were things like "nanna's princess", "daddy's angel" etc really weird time in my life. Fast forward and my DD is 15, doesn't talk to her (finds her creepy, doesn't like how she treats her brother).

Hmm, I gave my opinion, I didn't say I was right over others, and did not intend to insinuate this either.

My comment about rudeness was specifically aimed at comments where op then called the commenter rude, when I could see nothing rude being said...

I was told I should feel ashamed of myself for my comments. I'm confused as to why.

I hope you have a lovely day too 😊

How was this response rude? Perhaps the part where she was told she is neurotic and unreasonable.

It is not neurotic to follow the current medical advice. There is no benefit at all to the baby. It isn’t forever. It won’t alienate MIL, though MIL’s utter disregard for OP might.

I can’t tell if the posters who are berating OP are ignorant of the current guidelines or are simply nasty. It’s patronising to tell a new mother that following medical advice is irrational and is a result of her mental illness. It’s like your husband asking if you’re on your period when you get the hump over a legitimate gripe.

I had my first baby in 2023 and never heard of the no kissing thing. By the time I had my second baby earlier this year it was everywhere and forms part of the standard advice (hand washing before holding, no smokers, no kissing for visitors etc). It is very unfair to insinuate that OP following this advice and expecting others to is irrational, unfair, neurotic etc.

There are some right jackasses on this thread. I would suggest kissing her feat and seeing how she likes it. Other options; take babies and leave when you know she's coming, find something she finds unacceptable and stomp her boundaries.

Meant in the nicest way, you need to address your health anxiety. The second those babies are moving they’ll be mouthing/sucking everything and honestly, they’ll have a permanent cold - all good for the immune system in the longer run.

I have worked a lot with babies with rsv. It is horrible and I completely understand your concern. As a mil I would not kiss if you asked me not to. There are lots of reasons not to kiss any child and that is your perogative. But kissing babies feet would seem to me to be an unusual way to contract a respiratory disease. I would be more worried about coughing, sneezing, wiping noses and not washing hands or even breathing in the same room if a person is unwell. Is your mother in law unwell with a respiratory condition? If she is then maybe if acute she should not visit, if chronic not visit when she has infection. You need to be blunt, “please do not come if you have flu, cough cold etc. if you do come don’t kiss I do not feel comfortable with it and to be truthful this is stressing me out.”

There’s clearly a lot of grandmothers on this thread thinking they can do whatever they like 🙄 whether people agree with your rules did your child they should just do it anyway. Even if it is your anxiety talking - which btw I think is harsh for people to call out - they should just do what you say and support you as the mum. A ‘loving’ grandparent is not a loving grandparent if they are making the mum’s life harder.

edited to add : I think kissing feet probably isn’t going to make them ill. However, that is her way of being in control and still disrespecting what you’ve asked of her so that would very much annoy me too

Think I’ve found the MIL who can’t respect boundaries. How patronising can you be? Even if she is anxious why should she be the only one to take responsibility for her actions? Why not the grown woman who has been given a simple request and can’t follow it?

for what it’s worth my midwives at the 6 week appointment told me no one outside the house should be kissing him (unprompted - I didn’t ask).

After my eldest went off to nursery and I witnessed her swapping dummies with her friend Max. I decided that I had wasted my time keeping her germ free...

What your brain is telling you isn’t true. Our brains can lie to us. It’s totally harmless you MIL kissing your babies feet.
An medication like citalopram can be really good for anxiety.

But that moment, that ‘second’, isn’t now.

And no, cold sores are not good for babies’ immune systems.

No but she has stated she has a mouth of cold sores either has she.