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Original poster

MIL over stepping boundaries

180 replies

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 14:48

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

OP posts:
Giddykiddy · 05/12/2025 17:15

OP you actually need to listen to posters and wise up. Yes to asking people with illnesses not to visit or to hold/kiss infants if you've an active cold sore. You recognise you have anxiety so accept you are wrong and do not alienate the DGPs. You say your family accept your rules. I guarantee you they will be saying you're neurotic and unreasonable behind your back ( because you are)

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:15

tralallala · 05/12/2025 16:51

Also, I don’t think it necessarily means that she will start to kiss the babies on the face because you let her Kiss the toes

She would. Its something she does, she'll do small things until she can do what she wants.

OP posts:
ThinIceSkater · 05/12/2025 17:17

I get the impression that some of the posters on this thread are EXACTLY the type of GP who would kiss their GC, whilst ignoring the child's parents and the NHS guidance...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Twatalert · 05/12/2025 17:22

@CMC13 Your MIL is crossing your boundaries. It doesn't matter how unreasonable others find our own boundaries. You need to say to her 'if you kiss the babies again you won't be able to see the babies (during winter or whatever you want to specify). And then do that.

I would think that your own family would have more sympathy with a new mum of twin babies and some postpartum anxiety and honor her wishes. They can show their love in many other ways. I think you should be given time to adjust and maybe see if you can address your anxieties at some point in the future. My hunch also is that this isn't the only time she's ignoring your wishes. So manage this now as it will only get worse if she knows she can walk all over you.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:23

Giddykiddy · 05/12/2025 17:15

OP you actually need to listen to posters and wise up. Yes to asking people with illnesses not to visit or to hold/kiss infants if you've an active cold sore. You recognise you have anxiety so accept you are wrong and do not alienate the DGPs. You say your family accept your rules. I guarantee you they will be saying you're neurotic and unreasonable behind your back ( because you are)

If you say so, maybe you need to wise up and not be so rude. Actually there seem to be more comments on here now saying those horrible posters are obviously the older generation with 0% common sense and they think they know more than the NHS and professional that take years and years to study these illnesses. So yeah thanks but maybe you're the mad one.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:25

Twatalert · 05/12/2025 17:22

@CMC13 Your MIL is crossing your boundaries. It doesn't matter how unreasonable others find our own boundaries. You need to say to her 'if you kiss the babies again you won't be able to see the babies (during winter or whatever you want to specify). And then do that.

I would think that your own family would have more sympathy with a new mum of twin babies and some postpartum anxiety and honor her wishes. They can show their love in many other ways. I think you should be given time to adjust and maybe see if you can address your anxieties at some point in the future. My hunch also is that this isn't the only time she's ignoring your wishes. So manage this now as it will only get worse if she knows she can walk all over you.

You're right theres a lot more to the story. Thank you for your advice, I totally agree x

OP posts:
Giddykiddy · 05/12/2025 17:29

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:23

If you say so, maybe you need to wise up and not be so rude. Actually there seem to be more comments on here now saying those horrible posters are obviously the older generation with 0% common sense and they think they know more than the NHS and professional that take years and years to study these illnesses. So yeah thanks but maybe you're the mad one.

Show quote history

I did not say you are mad you have been clear you have irrational health anxiety for which you are seeking treatment. I sympathise but you have aske is YABU and I genuinely believe you are. I absolutely agree ( as I said) no visitors with illness no touching babies of cold sores are active - those are reasonable boundaries not kissing feet is unreasonable.

Twatalert · 05/12/2025 17:32

Giddykiddy · 05/12/2025 17:29

I did not say you are mad you have been clear you have irrational health anxiety for which you are seeking treatment. I sympathise but you have aske is YABU and I genuinely believe you are. I absolutely agree ( as I said) no visitors with illness no touching babies of cold sores are active - those are reasonable boundaries not kissing feet is unreasonable.

Show quote history

You don't get to decide what someone else's reasonable boundaries are. I'd personally support a family member and not kiss the babies if it makes the new mum feel it can manage better in what is probably a very challenging time.

It's just kissing. She's not asking to not touch or hold them. I think it's ok. Just wondered if you'd be ok for your grandmother to pop around and randomly kiss your feet? Ah yeah it's different because you aren't a baby and what do babies and their mothers know anyway.

BearPear · 05/12/2025 17:45

I’m definitely in your camp OP, I’m a new grandparent and I’m of the opinion that it’s definitely the baby’s parents in charge, not me. I’m happy just to be involved with them and the baby and luckily we all get along fine. I agree that it’s the older generation who don’t like to follow rules if they’re different to when their children were small, the whole “it never did me any harm” thing boils my piss!

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:48

BearPear · 05/12/2025 17:45

I’m definitely in your camp OP, I’m a new grandparent and I’m of the opinion that it’s definitely the baby’s parents in charge, not me. I’m happy just to be involved with them and the baby and luckily we all get along fine. I agree that it’s the older generation who don’t like to follow rules if they’re different to when their children were small, the whole “it never did me any harm” thing boils my piss!

Thank you a grandparent that actually has common sense and puts their grandchilds health first before putting their own selfish needs first! Thank you, its ridiculous isn't it! You sound very much like my mum, such a shame his mum can't be as nice x

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 17:49

Twatalert · 05/12/2025 17:32

You don't get to decide what someone else's reasonable boundaries are. I'd personally support a family member and not kiss the babies if it makes the new mum feel it can manage better in what is probably a very challenging time.

It's just kissing. She's not asking to not touch or hold them. I think it's ok. Just wondered if you'd be ok for your grandmother to pop around and randomly kiss your feet? Ah yeah it's different because you aren't a baby and what do babies and their mothers know anyway.

Show quote history

I always say this too! As an adult would you want your family constantly touching and kissing you. They dont have a choice. I certainly wouldn't.

OP posts:
coconutpie · 05/12/2025 17:49

Oh OP, you’re getting a very hard time on here. First of all, congratulations on your babies. I’m so sorry you are suffering with anxiety, well done on being able to arrange an appointment so you can get support with it. Right now, you need support from everyone around you. Sounds like your family are doing just that. However, MIL is just pushing boundaries and is adding to the problem. You are not being unreasonable, MIL is being unreasonable. Your partner needs to have your back on this. No means no. You know MIL, nobody else on here does. So if you know that letting her kiss the babies on the feet will escalate into MIL trying to kiss their faces during flu/RSV season, then no kissing at all. You’re following medical advice. Stand your ground and tell your partner he needs to back you up. Can you discuss this with your health visitor? Maybe the HV could also have a word with your partner on backing you up.

You've been through a tough few months as a postpartum mother with multiples, you have every right to feel the way you feel.

butterdish93 · 05/12/2025 17:54

Wether MIl/anyone else agrees or thinks you’re being irrational is irrelevant.

because a kind and supportive person wouldn’t deliberately go against your wishes on this even if they disagree. And add to the worries of a new mum with a baby.
she’s pushing your boundaries and seems like she has form for this.

i think you need to step up and tell her to stop and take the baby away if she tries anything close to flirting with the line! They’re your babies.

FourNaanJeremy · 05/12/2025 18:04

vitalityvix · 05/12/2025 15:51

It’s perfectly normal these days to ask people who live outside the home not to kiss babies, especially at this time of year. Making this request is not health anxiety.

Her kissing the baby on the feet is unlikely to cause an issue to your baby’s health. It feels like the bigger issue is that she cannot respect your boundaries and rather than be respectful, she is trying to find ways to erode them.

This hits the nail on the head. It’s not up to MIL to agree or not with your boundaries. She is showing that she is more than happy to overstep them which is not going to foster a good relationship with you.
And I agree that the kissing the feet was a calculated move to demonstrate this.

liamharha · 05/12/2025 18:08

CMC13 · 05/12/2025 14:48

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

I think you're looking for any excuse to have a go at your MIL and by doing this you're going to seriously damage your relationship with your partner long term.
Pick your battles op .
I'm not saying your MIL is perfect or isn't the cause of issues for you but you're coming across very irrational and like you're the problem.
Lots of children are in nursery at 5 mths ,,,children getting viruses is part and parcel of childhood and how they build immunity and resistance.

Freeme31 · 05/12/2025 18:11

OP i think your problem is you dont like MIL period, you are only looking/replying to posts that reflect tour position, try being more objective snd actively listen if you want a future relationship with her, remember one day you will be the MiL

RabbitsEatPancakes · 05/12/2025 18:13

They're not newborns are they? 5months old, they must spend most of their time rolling around the floor.

Do you not go to baby groups? Don't they put everything in their mouths. 5months old and you're objecting to their grandmother kissing their feet? Honestly, you've got twins, maybe time to learn to pick your battles.

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 18:18

liamharha · 05/12/2025 18:08

I think you're looking for any excuse to have a go at your MIL and by doing this you're going to seriously damage your relationship with your partner long term.
Pick your battles op .
I'm not saying your MIL is perfect or isn't the cause of issues for you but you're coming across very irrational and like you're the problem.
Lots of children are in nursery at 5 mths ,,,children getting viruses is part and parcel of childhood and how they build immunity and resistance.

Show quote history

Like someone else posted on here. None of you have a clue how hideous she is. I would of hoped kissing newborn babies when professionals told her not to is enough to judge her on. Yes and that's the parents choice. I certainly wouldn't risk putting my child in that situation at that age. But that's me.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 18:22

RabbitsEatPancakes · 05/12/2025 18:13

They're not newborns are they? 5months old, they must spend most of their time rolling around the floor.

Do you not go to baby groups? Don't they put everything in their mouths. 5months old and you're objecting to their grandmother kissing their feet? Honestly, you've got twins, maybe time to learn to pick your battles.

No that's rude of you to judge what someones children should be doing at that age. No they dont do any of that, they were born early, as adviced by a doctor they are technically 4 months by development and immune system. Its not the point ffs. Its got nothing to do with feet, its if she does a innocent thing like that, she'll think she's got away with it and it'll be the face next week. What's having twins got to do with anything....

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 18:23

Freeme31 · 05/12/2025 18:11

OP i think your problem is you dont like MIL period, you are only looking/replying to posts that reflect tour position, try being more objective snd actively listen if you want a future relationship with her, remember one day you will be the MiL

I know I will, and I'll be extra careful and respectful towards my DIL as I know exactly how it feels to have a horrible unsupportive one.

OP posts:
Changename12 · 05/12/2025 18:39

OP, I am with you. Your babies, your decision. Grandparents (I am one) should always listen to their grandchildren’s parents. I just don’t see the need to kiss babies or young children on the face. My grandchildren are all now at school. I love them dearly but only kiss them on the top of their head, where their hair is and I certainly didn’t kiss them anywhere on the head before they were 1. I think kissing babies and young children on the face is bordering on abuse. They can pick up infections and cold sores. Babies and young children cannot give consent.
The only person I kiss on the lips is my husband.
You need to ask your DP to be on side and both of you sit your MIL down and explain this is important to you.She can think what she wants but these are your babies.
.

Screamingabdabz · 05/12/2025 18:40

“None of you have a clue how hideous she is.”

Wow. I wonder if your DH knows you talk about his mother like that? What if you had a son and his wife talked about you like that?

Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 18:48

Screamingabdabz · 05/12/2025 18:40

“None of you have a clue how hideous she is.”

Wow. I wonder if your DH knows you talk about his mother like that? What if you had a son and his wife talked about you like that?

He even said it himself.. if I was being hideous and crossing boundaries absolutely they could because I would deserve it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CMC13 · 05/12/2025 18:52

Changename12 · 05/12/2025 18:39

OP, I am with you. Your babies, your decision. Grandparents (I am one) should always listen to their grandchildren’s parents. I just don’t see the need to kiss babies or young children on the face. My grandchildren are all now at school. I love them dearly but only kiss them on the top of their head, where their hair is and I certainly didn’t kiss them anywhere on the head before they were 1. I think kissing babies and young children on the face is bordering on abuse. They can pick up infections and cold sores. Babies and young children cannot give consent.
The only person I kiss on the lips is my husband.
You need to ask your DP to be on side and both of you sit your MIL down and explain this is important to you.She can think what she wants but these are your babies.
.

Thank you! Exactly my point too! I think it is, if they can't tell you if they want a kiss or not dont do it! I wish you were my MIL. You sound a lot like my mum..she is a MIL too and is lovely towards my brothers girlfriend x

OP posts:
heartofsunshine · 05/12/2025 18:56

if you keep this up you're going to make your children very anxious and unwell. You need to have therapy and get control of your emotions. Their GM loves them and should be allowed to kiss them.