MIL over stepping boundaries

[CMC13]

Looking on opinions on what you would do. My partners mum has been told multiple times no kissing the babies. There's been a lot of falling out over this and other things with her manipulating my partner by trying to get her own way. The girls are 5 months (4 corrected). I don't want kissing with them being young this time of year with rsv and the flu around. She came over in the week after having a massive falling out over the weekend (over text with my partner) he said he would let the dust settle for a while and for once he was actually taking my side and supporting me. Then she came over because she wanted to 3 days later....she then starts kissing the babies feet. She knows we've said NO kissing whether it be anywhere on the body! I told my partner she's still crossing boundaries and his reply was "It was only the feet". Yes but once she thinks she can get away with one thing, it'll be the face again next. My family dont kiss them anywhere as I've asked them not to. I've had enough of all the arguments and her not taking me seriously. She knows I have postpartum/health anxiety and social anxiety so dont like conflict. What would you do in this situation? I feel like she's only going to get worse if she can get away with small things. I feel backed in a corner with it all, like I have no control on protecting my babies and like I have a constant black cloud over my head.

You mention the word 'boundaries' all the time. You're coming across as immature and someone who has spent too much time watching woke stuff on IG and tic toc rather than getting some common sense in you.

Unclench.

I'm pretty sure the word boundaries has been used for a long time and it's in the dictionary so yeah I don't think using a proper word in the English dictionary is immature. I don't have 'Tiktok'. I think anyone who uses sorry to say a real word again 'boundaries' is healthy. Anyway I will NEVER apologise for keeping my babies safe.

Like almost everyone else I think you have to work on yourself. It's obviously hard for you to hear this but it's worth trying to reframe things in your own mind to ask yourself how things look from her perspective. Also ask yourself what outcome would feel like win win

You are massively over reacting there. It is just feet.

OP I think your MIL has joined the thread 😂

Thanks to all the lovely people who have been helpful and kind. I really appreciate it. To all the nasty inconsiderate people shame on you for being nasty to a woman 5 months postpartum struggling with her postpartum mental health. I hope you or your children never experience anything similar. For the ones that actually understand what I'm trying to say thank you for being intelligent enough to understand because there are some really dull people on this page. Anyway, I will never apologise for having boundaries and protecting my babies, not matter who you are. They will always be my priority, always! Thank you once again to all the lovely people❤️

😂😂 I was thinking the same. Don't use the word 'boundaries' its childish apparently. Poor love can't even spell TikTok and tells me I'm immature.

Yes let’s think of how things look from MIL’s perspective. Her daughter in law suffers a traumatic miscarriage, shortly followed by a high risk twin pregnancy. She is anxious in postpartum and has asked me not to kiss the babies as per the NHS guidance and current THANKS campaign.

Do I as MIL:

a) show compassion, support her, respect her wishes; or
b) kiss the babies

hmmmmm

The cheek of even asking her perspective. They're MY children not hers. I don't care, she's not going through postpartum anxiety. She's fuelling it on purpose because she's selfish. I couldn't give a toss what she feels or thinks. All I care about is getting better and protecting my babies. Thank you so much for stepping in and making it clear to these people❤️

Oh absolutely this.

Yes and there's so many bugs about at the moment, it's almost impossible to avoid them. Even if you wfh, if anyone ever comes in they can bring them. The only time I avoided bugs was 2020!

Exactly! My poor baby spewed up the whole bottle and even choked on it. She even said "to be fair I was winding her up" no apology though. What I also find funny is she told me she hated my dog. My dog is lovely, she absolutely loves everyone. She said she's 'Too much and annoying' funny thing is when people enter the house and she gets excited or too much I tell her 'No' or 'Calm down' because you know what? Dogs need boundaries too. Funny because she's also never tried to lick the babies, so the dog has more manners than her. If I could completely cut her off I would, but she's a master manipulator and my partner falls for her nonsense.

I wouldn’t want someone who is prone to cold sores kissing my baby anywhere.

Op. I think you are right. Boundaries are important. It’s not silly or mean to the grandparent. Only you know what said grandparent is like and how they may have changed/be ruining your trust with young babies. That’s not health anxiety. It’s just fact with a less than supportive/helpful grandparent
its not just RSV that is dangerous for young babies and children. Some viruses which are a non issue for adults can be life threatening for babies. This isn’t health anxiety, it’s fact.
fairly certain people are still breathing if they go near someone to kiss them, also saliva particles etc.

I also have my own thoughts about forcing children to show affection and teaching them that they must accept kisses etc. but that’s probably opening a whole other can of worms!

also, there are literal various guidelines about this sort of thing because of actual science not because of what some people
on Mumsnet think is depriving an actual adult grandparent 🙄
www.gloshospitals.nhs.uk/our-services/services-we-offer/maternity/after-your-baby-is-born/keeping-your-baby-safe-think-hands-and-no-kisses-thanks/

Personally I think you need to get over yourself. Get some help for your anxiety and health worries, allow your partner a say in the way his children are raised and get over your obviously distain for your mother in law

First of all, doctors and midwives now recommend only parents kiss babies, so you are rightly, following advice from medical professionals.

Secondly, regardless of whether or not it is advice given by medical professionals, this is YOUR BABY, not your MIL’s.

If someone cannot follow simple rules while your baby is a few months old, that would suggest that they will not follow any other rules and boundaries set throughout their lives.

I feel you are right to stick to your boundaries in relation to your child.

Cold only spread through open lesions! You really need to speak to your HV about your mental health, you’ll drive your partner away before long as he will get fed up of being caught in the middle of you and your MIL!

That’s not what the poster said at all. She said it’s NOT anyone’s fault for having MH issues but at the same time you need to help yourself, engage with treatment, and work to not indulge your anxieties. But you don’t seem to want to listen to anyone who disagrees with your view. It’s easy to wallow in MH problems - I KNOW, I have done it myself! - but if you need to put the work in to overcome them.

Obviously I’m not referring to extremely severe MH problems here requiring institutionalisation, etc. I’m referring to everyday MH problems where you’re at least somewhat functional.

There's a lot of drip feeds going on here. It sounds like you've had a bad pregnancy and horrible miscarriage previously OP. The cold sore issue is valid and your MIL sounds like hard work. However 4/5 months isn't newborn & they will pick up germs like every baby does. Hopefully you'll get help with your health anxiety and post partum depression very soon 💐

I don't get peoples point here? How can I help myself when I haven't had the help from a professional to learn to cope. Its like getting a bike and the next day having ago at someone because they keep falling off and can't ride it yet. I've stated I have my appointment in 3 weeks. I still have a right to disagree with people. I didint ask people's opinions on kissing or if its too much. I will still be keeping those rules during the winter to keep my babies safe because that's not over the top, health anxiety or not.

Get over myself? Ok hun.

It is a bit over the top. They are not newborns. Letting MIL kiss their feet is a good compromise.

You can help yourself by recognising that these rules you’ve imposed are borne of anxiety and by indulging them you are feeding the cycle of anxiety. It could also negatively impact your girls as they get older.

I’ve done similar things myself and once I learned to relinquish a bit of control and sit with uncertainty a bit more and take a more balanced/rational approach my mental health did improve.

But that's not the point here. I've said it 100s times on here now. Give her an inch and she'll take a mile. She won't just stop there. So its best to say no kissing.

I literally don't care what anyone says on this post about kissing as that's not what I asked. She will NOT be KISSING them until flu and rsv season is over.

I’m so sad to see women hating on other women and being so hurtful to someone who is struggling.

im glad there are some sensible and kind people out there. It’s ok to disagree but come on guys - there’s a way to do it without causing more harm.

Me again. Honestly I’d just leave the thread now for your own wellbeing, some of these comments are nonsensical and seem to just want to wind you up.

I’m still with you, no amount of disagreeing comments will change. I also just wanted to pop back and say don’t let ‘health anxiety’ cloud your thoughts. Based on the small info you have shared this seems to me a MIL issue rather than a health anxiety issue, and I wouldn’t let these comments feed in to that. Twin pregnancies/births/NICU are an entirely different ballgame to a singleton which is being missed here by many. I’ve now gone on to have another child and yes it’s one million times different, partially because nothing could challenge me anymore than my DDs did! You probably do have an element of health anxiety but all new parents should to an extent to keep their babies safe. Anyway I could honestly talk for hours because I do feel with had the same situation so if you want to chat you can message me.

Did your NICU set up a twins & multiples baby group? If they did and you don’t go, I would definitely recommend going ☺️