Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

What your partner doing in all of this?

Your husband needs to be part of the solution - I'm assuming 3 of the children are his?

Jeez, you are doing way too much! The two step kids have a parent, he needs to sort out their childcare when they are with him. If he won't then he can't have his kids half of the time and he will have to pay his ex maintenance if she is able to have them. It's insane that this all falls on you.

Also, he's a partner, not a husband. Do not compromise your earning potential in favour of his career. You need to put the security of you and your two children before him.

He leaves for work around 7am. Finish time is always unknown. Step kids situation is a court order taken out by him as it was a situation of “you’re not taking my kids around another woman” kind of thing. I can’t quit my job as we wouldn’t manage life. Yes 3 of the kids are his. I’m just looking for advice reall, I know I’m doing way too much but i don’t know what else I can do?

Why does DH want to have his kids 50:50 if he isn’t going to be there to parent them?

How did he manange this before he got together with you?

How old are your partner’s children and how many days a week does he have them?

He doesn’t have them 50/50 though does he?

You do though. He needs to sort more flexibility in his job. You can’t do all that. And your poor baby sounds very unhappy.

You have a DH problem.

This.

Your partner needs a new job or to request flexible working.
I know when my dh is coming home and he shares pick ups and drop offs... i know this because he is a responsible partner and parent.
Your fella is taking you for a ride...

As you arent married i would NOT be rushing to quit my job

Equally you cant go on like this.

Can you get all kids in same school? If thry are secondary surely they can make their own way...
Is your house in a remote location? Can it be changed?

As always the issue is your husband / partner
I'm sure he'd figure it out if you left
At the moment he wants it all his way and it works for him

• 50-50 so no maintenance to ex wife
• your salary input
• no childcare responsibility for him
• you doing everything in house and with children

I envy him - living his best life

His mum and dad helped him out before me. My own fault for taking on such a big load but it was easy at first before things got extremely difficult, behaviour, their mother won’t help, refuses to take them swimming lessons because I was the one who signed them up, I thought I was doing a good thing as my own son went lessons and they were wondering why. Been doing this for around 3 and half years now. The step children are 7 & 9, just turned. But there’s no boundaries with their mum they are very badly behaved so when they come back I have to deal with that pronto. I’m just at breaking point, with no help, currently writing this trying to stop my baby having a meltdown because she won’t nap.

Your dh needs to parent. What would he do if you weren’t there?

You need to stop this craziness and focus on your own children.

Your partner/husband needs to sort out childcare for his children and take on 50% of domestic responsibilities.

NB: Are you even married? If not you are making yourself very vulnerable…

How can he let you carry all this? He’s got a cushy life hasn’t he? Managing to leave before drop off and coming home at tea time.

Tell him they’re his kids and he does the honours. Can you just refuse to do it anymore?

You are working part time and able to do the drop offs and pick ups, in order to enable your DP to work full time and not carry any mental load or do any parenting Monday to Friday. Except you are not married so you are doing this at your risk, and he is getting all the upside. Add in that 2 of the children aren’t even yours and he is just taking the piss.

My advice - sit down and have a proper talk when the children are in bed, talk about

1. what are your plans for marriage
2. if none, then is he willing to fund your pension to compensate you, how are you sharing finial assets like house etc
3. is he able to apply for flexible working so he can share pick ups? If not he needs to fund wrap around after school care for his children that aren’t yours.
4. if not then perhaps he needs to agree with his ex he only has his children at weekends, or every other weekend and pay child maintenance to his ex
5. possiblt putting your eldest in wrap around care a couple of days a week to give you the capacity to deal with the baby, even temporarily until the baby gets passed this grisly stage and is less hard work in those 2-6pm hours.

Not sure why a few comments are mean, I was simply seeking advice. I’m not a nanny with a fanny. I was asking was there others in the same situation that could give me some pointers on how to make my life easier. Seems I’m the only idiot. Going to delete this now

Blimey this is not sustainable.
your partner needs to reorganise his children’s care you cannot do it.

Do you know why you do this?

I think it’s not being mean. It’s shock at the situation you are in. Sympathy and trying to help you get out of it. As it is impossible basically. Stay for support.

You have to get out of the mindset that his two children are in any way yours to look after. That is his and their mother's responsibility. If he cannot/will not then he needs to get them into after school club or similar until he can collect them, or if that doesn't work he will have to hire a nanny and pay for it.

Normally, I think it's nice if people help each other within a relationship but this is entirely one-sided and you are being taken advantage of to such an extent that it's having a negative effect on your relatiosnhip to your own children. All of that to make some man's life easier.

Sorry that was harsh. But he has you running around and doing all the parenting. You can’t do anymore and his children deserve for to be around. Has he considered what he can change?

Op the reason they are badly behaved when they get back might not be their mum, it could be them missing her or not having their dad enough. People totally underestimate how much a family breaking up affects kids, I have friends who still feel it, and know children going through counselling. I agree it isn’t fair this is turning into your problem, your do needs to be there more/ get a different job or else the kids just can’t be there. This is not your problem

Unfortunately you are definitely not the only woman who has found herself in this situation.
if you read some other threads on step parering you'll find them littered with accounts from despairing women who are taking care of children that aren't their own but get treated horribly by their husbands and partners if they refuse to go along with it.
Perhaps a self esteem issue or not wanting to end another relationship or maybe fear of their partner
but very very common