Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

OP, you sound really really nice.
Your kind nature is being taken advantage of though & now you are stretched way too thin.

I’d love to see how he would manage if you weren’t around? Get his parents to do it. Nice for him to just have people to do everything for him.

You don’t seem to get anything from the relationship and you are run ragged.

You’ve tried to address concerns and he hasn’t listened.
You even say you don’t want to get married now. I think deep down you know what needs to be done but it’s hard to take that step - especially if you had plans of marriage down the line.
But have a good think, is this what you want for the next 10 + years.
Running here there and everywhere.
It isn’t sustainable.

The fact you have your own house is fantastic.
Your part time hours actually sound ideal to work around you, your son & baby.
Life is incredibly hard because you have the mammoth task of doing multiple runs, dinner, washing & cleaning - with no support.
I’d love to know what he does in the evenings.

I’m sure you had an idea of how your future would look for the two of you with the new baby, but I think it hasn’t turned out that way.

You need to do what is best for you and your children and if that means being a single mother, then that’s what you must do.

💐💐💐

Do you have any local support?

This is so sad to read. I can only imagine the angst you are experiencing. The fact you are doing all this shows how strong you are up to now. You cannot take this strength for granted though as you'll end up breaking down. I understand how difficult it must be to think of splitting up, but in my experience these men always fall on their feet with someone else and then you truly feel a mug. Your fussy baby is maybe picking up on your stress too. Please think of yourself in all this. You sound so lovely and you deserve some peace and contentment too.

Hi OP. I totally understand that you find some of the responses harsh but you have come here for ideas and suggestions and poster after poster has correctly identified the problem. It isn’t your hours, your routines, your children. The problem is your partner. HE is the reason you are at breaking point. unless he changes, this will continue until you finally break down.
You have tried time and again to speak to him and he isn’t listening. I honestly can’t see the relationship surviving but if you want to try my recommendation is you don’t speak to him, you TELL him that this will go on no longer. I would pick a deadline (end of term would be good - give him a chance to sort something out). TELL him that at the end of the term you will be doing no more childcare for his children. He needs to find alternative childcare solutions / sort out school pick up etc etc. He needs to be home when they are there and cook / wash for them. You are done. And mean it. Have a plan for enforcing it if he ignores you. Could you go and stay with a friend for a few days whenever his children are first due to be with you after your deadline so you are physically not around to care for them for instance? As I say, once you enforce this I suspect he will end the relationship - which tells you really what you actually mean to him doesn’t it? If not then great, first step made. You can now build up to him taking responsibility for cleaning his house and caring for his baby too.

I'd tell your partner that the step children need to be his responsibility.

He can book them in to before and after school club, or he can ask his parents if he can drop them there at 7am and pick them up on his way home.

He needs to go and the step kids need to go with him. Then at least you won’t have an extra school run and 2 extra kids to wrangle. He’s awful. Sorry OP.

if he can’t get his kids from school then they don’t stay. It’s not your responsibility! You can absolutely work if you just do the childcare that’s your responsibility!! You’re not the unpaid bloody nanny!

You don't need all miracle, you need a better partner

This sounds very hard on you, could you give the baby a bottle in the half an hour you’re waiting around then maybe they’d have a mini nap in the car? I’ve just gone back to work after maternity so I can imagine how hard it is on you. I’d definitely try and get him to arrange for his parents to do pick up even some of the time to ease the strain off you.

Also to add I don’t think your working hours are the issue because it’s a short day it’s everything else you’re doing around work that sounds like the problem.

No one would voluntarily put themselves in this situation.

I don't understand how you're picking two children up from different schools at the same time, are you late picking one up? That's not sustainable pr afair on the children. The obvious solution would be to put some of the children in after school club, to the be picked up by your husband. You can't blame the Mum for not offering, it is your husbands time that he fought her for in court. I'm sure he doesn't offer to do pick in her days.

But it sounds like he has no respect or love for you, you are there because serve a purpose. He has little love or respect for any of his children either, they serve a purpose of making him look better. Is this the kind of relationship you want to model to your children? Is this the life you want for them as adults? To be with someone that treats them badly. Or with someone they abuse?

Tale as old as time unfortunately op. Don’t worry about being seen as the evil stepmother, tell him tonight that you’re no longer doing the school pick ups and go from there.

I’m sorry someone made that stupid, nasty comment to you when you came here for help. Bless you you sound exhausted. Have you sat down quietly with your partner and explained that the current situation is not sustainable and things need to change?
At the very least maybe cancel the swimming etc for now. I hope things get easier for you.

That is so harsh.

So he has the children but doesnt actually see them? It seems strange because surely theyre at yours to spend timr with/be looked after by him.

I really think you should get in laws involved. Especially if they helped him before. All 4 of them are their biological grandchildren, surely they’d like to be involved and help? Even if one day a week they could do the school runs, I think this would help a little (more would be ideal) surely if you had a chat to them, you’ve got nothing to lose at this point? They must be able to see what a wonderful step mum you are and that you deserve a bit of help from them? Definitely do this as a starting point x

You sound like an incredible mum and a lovely person but do you think you’re a chronic people pleaser?
Why do you think it’s your fault if this relationship fails and not his for treating you so badly?
You hold all the power here. You’re more competent. You have a house. You look after your children properly. You work. You earn. Where is the appreciation? Why do you have to be a skivvy too?
Time to tell him the current situation is changing. You’re not doing it any more. He can’t exactly force you to.

You’re much better off working full time and using wraparound childcare. It would be much less stressful. Sack off after school activities and move them to the weekend - he can do them whilst you get some time to yourself.

No it wouldn't be the same whether he and his kids were there or not.

Your working hours aren't the problem. 5 or so hours? Problem is that you've chosen to take on everything so that you are overstretched which I'm sure the baby feels. How lucky for your 'partner' that he saw you coming and was able to transfer all of the burden to you.

You are right though. It's either accept it or leave. He isn't nice. He doesn't respect you. All the arguments in the world won't change his attitude if they haven't by now. This is the 'normal' being modelled in the home. You are not obliged to continue to be a participant 🤷‍♀️

Im not in the same situation as you but because my husband works away i do all the school runs/ nursery/ parents evening/ clubs/ swimming the lot whilst working too. I have 2 children not 4. I dont have any advice im sorry it is very hard, I have sobbed with exhaustion whilst driving to work . I do second other posters though about evaluating how much you have taken on, could you review different childcare options I.e wrap around care or adjust your hours to see if you can get it to fit better, can your partner change his hours at all? I know not everybody has the option for flexible working but you need to sit down and approach it like if we do X that will make Y easier. You wont find a perfect solution but you could try and improve it. Xx

OP, nobody is being mean. We feel for you and want to help.

You are not married. He does nothing around the house. You are single handedly working and looking after four kids, two of which are not yours. Presumably he earns more as he has more time/flexibility to work. You are at breaking point. You are exhausted. Can't you see you can't go on like this - not least because you are financially crippling yourself.

He needs to help out more. He needs to do his kids' school runs. You need to work equal hours to him so you can save / put money into your pension / protect yourself financially. Do NOT give up work / look for a job with less hours. If anything, I'd up the hours, pay for your two kids to have longer childcare and leave him to sort out his older two.

Then yes, it will still be hard with a young baby who doesn't sleep, but it's 'normal' hard, and it will get better.

If he refuses to help / deal with his own kids then I don't see how you can stay. You have no security and no help.

I have no other suggestions because I feel for you and think you know what you need to do. But I also had a baby I couldn’t put down and just used the sling all the time in the house so I had my hands free

Your working hours aren't the problem here. Your lazy arse "partner" is.

His kids are not your responsibility (before anyone comes for me I actuallly believe it should be a team effort but at the end of the day they are his responsibility not hers and he clearly isn't any sort of team player) and you need to make that clear to him. He can sort their childcare and he can be the one to adjust his working hours and/or ask his parents for help.

Actually, I think you should leave him because he sounds like a twat but I understand it's not that simple.

From a mother of four with three school/nursery drop off and pickup locations (which is bloody exhausting btw) who wouldn't put up with this kind of shite from a poor excuse of a man.

You say he had family helping before so you can say that you are now struggling to juggle everything as you have a baby in the equation and you need him to ask his mum and dad to step in again and do the step children. If this isn't possible he needs to look at how else he will be getting his children to school and give him a deadline for sorting it.