Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

I’m not doing it to make his life easier. I agreed in the beginning not knowing what was to come I suppose. I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do at the time not realising how bad it was going to end up. I see a lot of posts with people getting stick about step mothers etc so I can hardly turn around and say I’m refusing to look after them. I have tried to talk to him. There’s no solution unless we split up. Then my baby doesn’t live with her father? It’s a tricky situation. I would help anyone with anything. People see how much I struggle yet no one wants to help out. His mother and father live a stones throw from the school and they don’t offer to pick up 2 step kids. I’m not going to beg for help.

If you are not married and working only part-time, you are making yourself very vulnerable!!

Whats the housing situation? Do you jointly own your home, or is it his or yours, or rented?

What about career progression you are unable to take advantage of? Pension contributions?

Don’t risk ending up poor in years to come because you sacrificed your own best interests……. For what?

Your pride isn't going to do you any favours
the only solution with a man like this is to leave

The “nanny with a fanny” comment feels mean when you first read it but, as with most things on MN, once you get past the initial shock of it it does adequately summarise your current situation from your DP’s perspective. He has 4 kids but seems to have found himself an arrangement that allows him to wash his hands of them during the week while he goes and progresses his career. Does this sound fair to you?

Why are you tying yourself in knots trying to find a solution to a problem that you have not created?

Here is a pointer to make your life better: Ask yourself why it’s you who’s at breaking point over this and not your DP when you only birthed two of those children.

They are his children. He needs to get them to and from school, and then arrange for them to be looked after.

They aren’t your children or your responsibility in any way. What does he do that he can’t ask for flexible working? Could his parents not help again?

Your DH needs to be asking them for help. Has DH looked for a new job? Are the step kids happy with the current step up?

I’m just at breaking point, with no help

Is your partner at break point too? or is his life just ticking along just fine?

I don't think people are trying to be harsh...
They are trying to point out your set up isnt right or fair - you cant do it all alone.

Why wont he try and adjust his working hours?
What is stopping him from doing a pasta bake on a wednesday night so on thursday you dont have to think about dinner...?

where is the step children’s dad in all this. From what I have read you are parenting his children and he’s can’t be doing much. He has found himself a free nanny that is enabling him to have 50/50 care but he isn’t doing the care. You are! No maintenance and a free nanny. This guy is getting a free ride.

I'm going to be blunt. There are 3 adults and 4 children. The parenting responsibilities pan out like this:

10 year old - 100% you and 0% dad 0%ex
9 year old 50% ex and 50% dad 0%you
7 year old 50% ex and 50% dad 0% you
baby - 50% you and 50% dad. 0% ex.

He needs to parent all 3 of his children - you only need to parent one of them plus your 10 year old, so just tell him that as of the start of next term at the very latest you will no longer be doing any of the school runs for them and will focus solely on your own children. He needs to either get his parents to do it or pay for wrap around care so he can pick up and drop off himself.

I don’t think you should ‘beg for help’ in any way. The fact you think like that in itself is worrying.

Just tell them. And be firm on your boundaries.

Why do you need to beg the step parents to pick up their grandchildren? It’s not for you to ask, it’s for your DP to ask. He managed to ask them before he met you so why has he suddenly forgotten how to ask them now?

Nobody will offer to save you from this situation because it works in absolutely everybody else’s favour except yours. Your DP benefits because he’s not doing any of the childcare or pick up and drop offs. His parents benefit because they don’t have to help. They don’t care about overloading you so why do you care so much about not imposing on them?

Re my last response about his parents. No, no one offers help. Yes I agree he does sweet FA to help. We’ve been over this a million times. So what my only option is to leave? I was trying to make a life. No we’re not married we are engaged. I don’t want to get married anymore. It’s a rented house but it’s mine, I lived here before I was with him with my son. He’s not named on the house.. we share money. Hiring a “nanny” isn’t an option. Already paying 300 odd quid a month for a childminder for the baby.

Can you see how one-sided it is? I know you are saying you are not doing it for him but you are. You also have a child that isn't his, does he pick your child up from school, cook for him, take him to activities or clean his room?

You get what you put in when it comes to most things in life, he is getting far more than he is putting in and you are getting far less than you are putting in. You might think that him working more is benefitting you, but in the long run it actually just benefits him because you are not married. You are not going to be entitled to half his pension, savings, assets. If he dies before you, if you don't have a will it will all go to his kids. He is making sure he is OK, but it's at your detriment. You need to just stop enabling him now, that is the only way out. You don't need to split up, but you need to put you and your children first.

Is your own son happy? Probably not. I think you have to take a giant step backwards here, ask him to leave your house and then reassess what you are going to do.

The comments are not being mean about you, they’re pointing out that your DP is a bit of an arse leaving you to parent his children! He’s completely mugging you off.
Here’s what I suggest.
You work FT hours for 4 days a week and arrange after school childcare for your own child. He arranges after school care for his two children and picks them up himself. On the days when his children are at their mother’s, he picks up the baby from the childminder.
He is absolving himself of any childcare responsibilities at the moment and that is at your financial expense as you’re losing out on income plus pension contributions.
On your non working day, enjoy your baby, perhaps do some batch cooking for the following week and pick your other child up straight from school.

This

What sort of man lets you do this?

The amount of arguments this has caused though, it’s either split up or get on with it. That’s my answer. Before any one comments. Yes very narcissistic but I get accused of being the narc every time I bring it up. I have no life, as you all can tell. No he doesn’t help with very much, not even on weekends.

So what my only option is to leave? I was trying to make a life.

Sadly your goals and his are not aligned. He wants free childcare, a clean house, meals in the table, sex.

Your fantasy of a mutually beneficial life together is just that - a fantasy. You have tried to discuss this with him a million times, but he doesn’t care. He won’t change.

So yes, you need to get him to leave - for your older child’s sake as much as your own. Luckily the house is in your name, so give him a week or two to find somewhere to live, then pack up his stuff and change the locks.

Honestly l could cry for you.

What an awful man. But it’s your house and he’s not on the tenancy. You know what your next step is…

Do you want to stay with him? I understand that you would like your youngest to grow up with their dad but it doesn't sound like they will have a very close relationship either way. I think you will find so much peace if you just lived by yourself with just your two kids. It would be a huge burden lifted off your chest.

Get him to sort out a taxi or some other way to get his kids picked up from school. Its not your responsibility. Can you afford an au pair?

Put your two children first. They deserve a mum who isn’t run ragged and if you go it alone it sounds like your life will be much better. You’re basically a single parent now but with two additional children.

It’s hard to read that you have tried talking to him a million times and he hasn’t sought to help. I could almost forgive him if you haven’t raised it with him before and he’s blind to all your stress - in which case I would expect him to bend over backwards once you lay it all out for him. But if he’s just ignoring the situation and leaving you feeling so despairing despite knowing how this is affecting you, then he’s a dick.

I don’t blame you not wanting to marry him now. It was maybe a bit naive of you to move him and his children into your home and have a baby with him, with no commitment from him to parent any of these children, but it’s done, and it doesn’t have to be your life forever. Don’t let fear of being thought of as a wicked stepmum let you put yourself last.

Ultimatum time, you make arrangements that work for all of you (including YOU!) or you separate.

Bluntly, your big mistake was adding a 4th child to the mix, you are now tied to him for the next two decades what ever happens.

You need to stop running round after the step kids - it may have been okay pre baby/going back to work but you can’t manage now. Think about whats best for your elder child and prioritise that.
The grandparents need to take over the school runs of the step kids if their father can’t/won’t. Or they spend more time with their mother and he pays maintenance. They are not your problem to solve.

What do you want op?
do you want to stay together or break up?
if you want to stay together then your partner needs to step up

you need to go to 4 days max working and have a day with your baby

step children need to stop swimming lessons unless their mother can take them. they’ve swam for 3 years so they should be able to swim enough by now

The three older children need to go to after school clubs, partners parents house at least one day a week

partner needs to take all the children one day or minimum one afternoon on the weekend.

partner needs to finish work early one day a week to either pick up from parents house or clubs.

you need to book yourself and baby into something fun one day a week or if you prefer coffee shops or park then That’s great.

you haven’t said what the cooking situation is but at least allow one day a week where the kids all have pizza, hot dogs, a ready meal etc

whats the washing clothes situation? He needs to be doing the clothes washing for the three of his children at minimum and as your doing so much for his children he should do it for your eldest too

what are the three older ones chores? They need to be getting their own drinks , making themselves a sandwich on the weekend, making their bed, putting their clothes and towels in the wash, taking their plate out and washing it if possible, tidying their bedroom and toys.