Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

Could you consider a nanny? This is what I had to do working FT. She came at 8 and took older ones to school and then had the baby. It made such a difference to me and didn’t cost that much more than nursery. Also wrap around care or even an after school only nanny - I’ve used it all and it’s worth spending money on to make commute / work easier.

OP I think sadly this is the most sensible option.

It is not sustainable or ok.
We have two children, they are both ours.
Dh took a career change and I took a work from home job as we have no other help.
With 4 kids and a baby then I think you need to put your foot down and say either you are giving up work or going part time or he reduces his hours or changes jobs or career.
I found it hard to go back full time when I jist had one child, two, is a huge struggle. I would have loved more kids but there is no way we could have coped unless one parent wasnt working, or we earned so much money we could afford a full time nanny.
Saying that, what about before and after school nannies, is that an option? We had an after school nanny for a bit and she was a bit cheaper as she brought her kids along, that helped us out for a bit until we could find more flexible work.

You can’t split in half unfortunately, he has to help and be a part of the solution. Appreciate he goes to work early but what would he do if you weren’t there? Don’t go to work or don’t see his kids. I don’t think you can come up with solution on your own here.

Could you possibly work 4 longer days rather than 5 short days and put the kids in after school club? (To be collected by Dad on his way home)

5 short days really is the worst part time hours (Thats what i currently do too. It's relentless)

I do all of the cooking, cleaning, washing. I get it, I do moan a lot about it and nothing gets done. I don’t get to sit down till 9pm most nights and the baby wakes up super early 5/6am. I don’t know if I want to be with him. I’m happy sometimes the rest of the time not so much. He can’t see he’s doing anything wrong no matter what I say. My oldest son’s dad doesn’t take anything to do with him. So he’s only got me and my partner. I am trying to put him first but he seems pretty happy. I do make him empty the dish washer and he is a good hand around the house and with the baby. I was only looking for suggestions on naps and bottles etc. she’s napping in my arms right now, so now I feel guilty I can’t go make dinner for the others because she won’t let me put her down. I’m trying my hardest. The s kids are happy, they prefer being here than their mothers house.

I agree with this.

If you have explained that you are drowning and unhappy and he is unwilling to help, then he is abusing you.

I also cannot reduce days or hours I had this argument when I returned to work from MAT leave. I am seeking other jobs but nothing is fitting as of yet

You sound amazing.
but it’s not really sustainable for you, is it

Leave the lazy bastard and life gets so much simpler!

They're his kids. He wanted them 50/50, therefore he should be facilitating picks ups. Would a taxi work for the kids?

But seriously, what do you get from this? He gets a nanny, cleaner, cook (and presumably a shag every now and then) - what do you get?

I just knew that you were going to say this. You just need to kick him out - he is using you to make his life easy and you are going to be seriously mentally ill if this continues. His easy life is basically being bought at the expense of your health. Kick him out and your life will be so much simpler.

Such a sad thread. This is just abuse.

So any time you ask him to do even a fraction of his share he hurts abuse at you. And you’ve conditioned yourself to keep the peace.
Throw him out.

OP I wish you could see how amazing your life could be without him. You are super capable and can do it all, but you are spreading yourself so thin taking on tasks that have nothing to do with you and taking on tasks that should be shared all by yourself. Think about what example this life is setting for your son too. He deserves a mum with a bit of energy and he needs to not see that a man can go to work and offload every adult responsibility on to his partner. He cannot grow up to be like your partner.

@Amsley1 I'm so sorry. You are drowning here & he's using you to keep himself afloat.
You told him you are struggling. His answer is so what?
What a prince.
The arrangements are court ordered. FOR HIM to care for HIS KIDS. NOT you.
As a pp suggested, tell him he's moving out. If you wish, still date. He can spend time with the baby & pay you maintenance. But he now deals with his kids away from your home without your help.
You will be better off with 3 less people to feed, house, clean up after etc. Make your home your peaceful sanctuary once more.
Time to put on your own oxygen mask first. You are not being selfish. It's self preservation for you & your kids.

It’s obviously a lot to think about and isn’t going to be an overnight decision. I can’t just “kick” him out the minute he gets home from work tonight. I am already depressed. It’s more so in these hours just now of trying to settle an over tired baby. It would be the same if him and his kids lived here or not. My problem is my working hours right now

I think you’re working hours would be much more manageable without 5 children to look after though.

It wouldn’t be the same if he didn’t live with you.

I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time.

At the very least, you would be able to head home straight after picking up 1st child without the half hour wait and second school.

Your problem is not your working hours. Your hours couldn't possibly be more child friendly to be honest.
He needs to step up, or at the very least finance more childcare. Up baby's hours at childminder, pay for afterschool clubs. It'll all get easier (and cheaper) in a year or two as DC get more independent.

You cannot have a relationship without communication, you cannot have a relationship with someone that does not listen to your needs, who does not address or at least try to address your problems. You cannot blame his parents for not picking his children up, they may not want to, it.is not their problem as they are not their kids.

There is huge power imbalance.

The problem is not lack of naps or cranky baby, but lack of support with everything else- behavioural issues, activities that are too much talking into consideration everything. You have no parental responsibility over step kids.

Ahhh I posted without seeing what you’d said about how he responds…

I am now a single parent. Working full time, two neurodivergent kids with me - it is SO much happier and easier in many ways.

But you are juggling your working hours and dashing around after everyone. If you'd only collected baby from CM & your older child from school, baby wouldn't be so over tired & easier to settle. You'd be less stressed & have an easier evening.
You cannot be in 2/3/4 different places all at once.
The future is your decision.
Practical advice:-
I understand you don't wanr to kick him out tonight.
But - from Thursday you are not doing any more school runs for his children. 24 hours notice. What is stopping him from dropping them to his parents before he goes to work? You said they live close to the school. They can do pick up & give them dinner. He can get them on his way home. He needs to sort out school stuff, uniform etc. He needs to care for his kids.
If he refuses to do this, or make similar paid arrangements then he can move out at the weekend. He has a choice.

It’s not your job o deal with their behaviour…dad sounds like a loser tbh

You will never be able to help yourself with this attitude…your DP needs to parents his own children

What does he do? Does he do any housework or taking dc out?