Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

Your partner needs to pay a babysitter to help you. You are working as a nanny for his 3 kids. This is a no no. If you burn out, get sick in a hospital or leave him he will need to manage his 3 kids. But of this is now your problem not his. Make it his problem, he is taking advantage of you

Having been in this situation myself, all I can say is you need to talk to your partner and let him know how much of a struggle this all is. We had exactly the same, 4 kids, 1 joint and 2 that's are mine. When youngest was at nursery we were lucky and could paybto drop off at 7.30am. Then round to breakfast club with the then older two at a different school who also had a 7.30 drop off. Then I had an hours commute in bad traffic and the same again at the other end with kids in afterschool club. I'd be exhausted then trying to make their tea with him still not home from work. Luckily (well not luckily but ykwim) my SD's mum moved so far away it is unreasonable for her to stay here during the week so she is only here fri-sun eve.

What I'd suggest is doing a breakfast club if you can for your older two and maybe an afterschool club or a sports club as wraparound care. This would give you more time in the morning and a bit of a break in the afternoon to try and sort baby out before pickup older ones. It will be a short term problem as when older ones are at secondary they generally tend to walk with friends. Having said all that, if your partner has got a court order to have his kids, then he should flipping well help take them to school! Even if he did a couple of days of the drop that might help. Good luck. It's easier ad they get older I promise!

Sadly, OP will just carry on doing what she's been doing as she's scared of the response she'll get if she either stops doing it leaves
And many women are in identical situations because being shouted at or being without a man is worse for them than their current situation
Such a shame and waste of a life to live it voluntarily as an unpaid servant

Chuck him out. Your responsibility is to yourself and your biological children. And, stop having kids with feckless men.

We have a similar situation. I do not do drop offs for the step children. Your husband needs to sort that out. I also make sure he does some of the drop offs for our shared children when it’s not his time with the step children. Husband has to do his share somehow. What you’re doing is not sustainable!

I’m always amazed at the men on MN who have to leave the house for work so early before parenting work for the day begins, and come back after it’s over.

What would your piss taking husband do if he didn’t have you to skivvy about after his children? Tell him he’ll need to do whatever that looks like, and you’ll manage your own 2 children whilst he sorts his own.

These men make my blood boil

There’s no advice anyone can give because your situation is impossible.

Worst of all is that your own kids are getting the rough end of the stick because your partner has dumped his kids on you to look after. They’re not yours. If you split up, you may never see them again. Both their parents have made you responsible for them, meanwhile you and your children are paying the price.

If you were talking about anything other than children - a job share, volunteering shifts, pets - and two people dumped their share on you to do in addition to yours, meaning your standards dropped around your own duties AND you made yourself six trying to do the work of four people (both dads, both mums), you’d see it for what it is.

They’re making a mug of you. Why do women do this to themselves?? Just why??

Next time you take them to school you tell him that he’ll need to make arrangements for pick up that day, and drop off and pick up every other day, as you’re not doing it any more

He’s only able to take the piss because you let him

Another one saying how sorry I am that you are being exploited in this way. Truly dreadful.

Unfortunately there are some industries like this (construction being one I’m familiar with), DH leaves at 6:15am and is rarely home before 6:30pm. He requested a 9 day fortnight when DD was born (every other Friday non working) and was refused - it is just not done.

Difference is that he didn’t want to be that kind of dad, so took a different job then a career break (was p/t self employed) until the DDs were both at secondary. But, the thing that helped that is that I earned more than him, so we could afford it.

OP’s partner doesn’t want to (or can’t) make the choices needed to look after his own children, so has dumped it on her instead. I think she’d be much happier without him.

Oh OP I feel for you

You sound like a lovely person and other people are just taking huge advantage of you

You need to stand up for yourself and start making some rules. And if that doesn’t work - leave and focus on your own 2 kids and your job. I’m sorry for the step kids but you will break if you keep going like this.

Ok trying to be practical. Your partners parents are grandparents to the two middle kids. Its your partners responsibility (def not yours) to ask them to help with pick ups when he has their grandchildren. They might agree to some of the days. That might take some pressure off. Also kids do grow up so this isn't a forever problem. Can he book half day leave for one day when he has the middle kids. Thats one day leave a month but gives you one day every other week to keep your sanity. The answer can't be to continue like this or split there are some compromises he could make.

Oh I don’t doubt there are some. My own husband worked late nights and weekends (hospitality) but he had days off in the weeks and he did the mornings as he didn’t start til later than me. There generally seems a very high proportion of these kinds of out the house before breakfast and back after bedtime husbands on MN though.

@Alpacajigsaw I had a male colleague who would deliberately stay in the office until he knew he’d get home after bedtime, he’d pretend to his wife he was just soooooo busy. Meanwhile his female colleagues were working part time/leaving on time to collect their kids from childcare etc

For every inflexible industry or employer, there are a dozen or more men who simply want no part in supporting their wives 😢 while pretending to themselves that they are the good guys

Agreed

That’s just rude - I agree with the OP not needed

I agree too which is why I aplogised

I agree with many comments on here that your husband needs to help more. Even if he can do a few pick ups & drop offs a week. This isn’t fair for it to sit all on your shoulders.

Fair play

I'm sorry but you have been a mug taking on the nanny role for your partner. Time for him to pay someone to take his kids to school for a start, or sort out his work day.

I'm not sure if you are still reading these messages but I wanted to add a couple of things:

1. Yes, it does seem that your partner isn't pulling his weight with childcare. This might not be deliberate though. The way you are doing it does work for a lot of people, but the important thing right now is it is not working for you. Your partner may be clueless about how much you are struggling though - having a new baby added to the mix is really really hard and does change a situation that might have previously worked well.
2. I would have an honest conversation with your partner about how difficult you are finding the new family dynamic after returning to work. You are partners and you need to work together to find solutions that work for both of you. I'd avoid the whole 'my kids/ your kids' scenario - after all you are in a relationship together and that's not helpful for adults or children. He might surprise you with a few good solutions/ compromises.

Good luck, you are doing a great job in your blended family! It will get easier!

Do beg for help !!! Seriously ask his parents to help. This situation is impossible and unsustainable you need help.

Based on this update you should kick him out and focus on your own children.

I didn’t expect this post to kick off so much. I appreciate most of the feedback, some of it is helpful. Like I said, I’m well aware of what I need to do.. I didn’t come on here to seek validation that my partner is an asshole. I was simply looking for tips/pointers. I do realise it’s going to break me down, however, today was a good day, baby was happy and chilled and it wasn’t such a stress. For the comments saying have an open honest conversation with partner. I have done, multiple times, I get the same response every time. “I wish there was something I could do to help”. So I’ve stopped mentioning it now, as there’s lots he can do to help, he either just doesn’t want to or is too stupid to use his brain. As for the comment of not letting go of my step children, I’m not a mean bad mum stressed shouting at them or anything. I hide it quite a lot, they probably don’t even know my thoughts, they’ve been in my life for a long time and they are my baby’s siblings. It’s all a lot more complicated than what meets the eye. I’ve even suggested for him to change court order but it’s always a no, even though I’ve pointed out that he’s never here. Like I said at the beginning… im aware of what I need to do, but its not the right time just now. I might be a fool, an unpaid nanny, and all these other things people are saying about me but at least I'm trying to be a good mum and person. And believe it or not, every single one of these children come before me and even him on my behalf anyway.

How did it work before you had the baby? I imagine he didn’t act like this then. What’s changed?