Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

When is the baby having milk after being picked up from the childminder? You say you have a half hour wait between pickups. Could you not give the baby a bottle in the car while you wait? Would she possibly fall asleep in the car for another nap while you complete pickups if she's had a bottle during that half hour wait? Feed her in the car seat if you have to so you don't have to transfer her and risk waking her up. Then she would be less cranky and more likely to eat dinner and then have a bedtime bottle and a good night's sleep because she isn't overtired or hungry. That could be why she's waking up so early in the morning. Also by being asleep by half 6 at night she's very unlikely to sleep any later than she currently is.

Are you giving them all a bath every night because if so then stop that unless they're actually the mankiest kids ever because that's just more stress. And surely baby can't be that dirty to need one every night.

Could the older ones go to after school club so you can just get baby home and settled?
I think it's pretty normal for working mums to be all go after work and things being rushed, although that's usually when they are picking up from childcare at 5/6. But this is impacting on your baby if they aren't getting enough food and sleep so something needs to change.

You sound absolutely exhausted. And you are clearly doing your best re all the kids. But it’s unfair for one person can’t take on all this and the other grown ups effectively sign out. You and your DP need to be working as a team. You said that when you try speak to him about things, he calls you a narc. I can’t see how things can get better if this is how he responds to a reasonable conversation about how to manage all the kids together. And he doesn’t do much on the weekends either. So what does he bring? From what you’ve said he brings more negatives than positives. Your kids are getting a blueprint of how a relationship works and how people treat each other. He is not treating you well and they are absorbing all of that as ‘normal’. For you, your self esteem is going to crack further if you stay (as well as your physical and mental health generally), this is not good for you or your kids. I know leaving will mean huge upheaval and your kids will not have their dad on the day to day, but it doesn’t sound like he’s really there in any meaningful and positive sense anyway. I know all of this is easier said then done and you can’t capture everything about your relationship in a post, but from what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound healthy and I think you and your kids all deserve better. Best wishes.

Your baby’s welfare would be a good starting point.

l had a bottle refuser. She’d guzzle in yoghurt though instead. Went mad for it.

Thanks for all of the replies. I’m aware of what I need to do, but I can’t do it yet. I do feed the baby in the car in the half hour wait, she HATES the car, I’ve even bought her a new car seat to try help. She will not sleep in the car, unless it’s a super long journey and her belly is full. I live in a small town, we don’t have much things like wrap arounds, after school clubs, all these things are great ideas but we just don’t have much here. The comment about the step kids mother not helping, she is never done but asking for favours which I end up having to do because he’s agreed to them. Hair done, nails done, work, I work in a school so I get the holidays off. And I’m expecting to step in there cause I’m “free”. I’ve helped her out loads I’m not expecting her to return the favour. I’ve in fact made myself clear not to bother asking me unless it’s an emergency or essential because the piss is taken out of me. As for drop of school times, I have to time it right so they all get there on time and same at end of the day, my sons school is close to the high street so I park there he walks down and meets me then we go to the other school for other step kid (5min drive) he waits at the steps for us. Everybody knows this and just watches me running around like an idiot. My work hours are not flexible. Neither are my partners. He doesn’t have a set finish time. I’m aware there’s nothing he brings to the table. But I feel sorry for his kids, their mother would rather get rid of them to go to the pub and be free than look after them. I’m the only stable person they’ve got and maybe I just don’t want to let go of them. Idk. Things aren’t going to improve but if I do anything it’ll have to be after Christmas/January.

May I add she does not refuse a bottle for me, everyone else yes, and doesn’t like to sleep unless it’s around me for some reason. I’m not complaining about her, I just wondered if anyone had any tips. She probably this way because I’ve spent every single minute with her since she’s been born and done all of the feeds, routines, nights naps etc because he’s obviously not very good at h

Could you walk the school pickups with baby in a pram? Would she sleep then?

I've already told you what I think about the relationship. As far as the baby is concerned - she has worked out that refusing anyone else gets her mummy. V harsh but if you weren't there then she'd have to take the bottle form someone else and would eventually fall asleep. I know it sounds cruel but by the time DD2 was 11 months old I was hospitalised for severe PND which was exacerbated by having a DH who worked away all week and didn't do that much at the weekend. He had to step up as I wasn't there and DD2 had to accept that other people had to care for her. Go away for a full day with just your 10 year old at the weekend a few times and a) your partner will have to step up and b) your baby will have to accept a bottle from someone else.

Would the baby take milk from a cup at the childminder? Then maybe she would sleep there a bit. At her age she should really be having a morning nap.

Sorry to be blunt, but I honestly think if you went on strike with the stepchildren and completely refused to do any further school runs, swimming lessons or extra childcare he might well end the relationship anyway, as you’d no longer be useful to him.

Cut all weekday activities. Your husband can take the children to weekend activities to give you a break instead.

meal prep at weekends for the week ahead. Freeze.

child minder for his kids after school so that you’ve done alone time with your own kids. He can collect them from the child minder at 6:30

If I live to be a million years old, I could not fathom having this sort of existence.

Out of curiosity, what made him seem worth getting involved with, in the first place?

Also if the baby is traveling along its usual percentage and not loosing weight, I’d not worry

stop picking up his kids from school. He needs to make other arrangement's

@op I’m so sorry you’re having a rough time. You sound like an amazing mum and step mum, but with kindness, you can’t carry on like this. It will work you into the ground and you will burnt out. I realise that it’s too much to think about right now, but at some point in the future think about your options. I had an ex who was the same and I didn’t realise how bad it was until I left.

Is it an option to flat out put your foot down on picking up the step kids from school to force him to ask (beg) his parents to do it? Again, you shouldn’t have to be the one to have the conversation.

You are worth so much more than this

Some of the comments here are just awful, sorry OP.

Are there any wrap around care options at school or a childminder they can go to so your pick ups are a bit easier?

OP, you sound broken and I really feel for you. I think it's easy for women to "sleep walk" accidentally into this sort of situation if they haven't had the benefit of reading similar stories on Mumsnet for years beforehand. (As an aside, this stuff really needs to be taught to teenage girls in school).

I won't add any more to the advice received so far about who should be doing the childcare and about your partner not pulling his weight, because I think that advice is clear. But I just want to say that you are not wrong to find this situation impossible and I wish you all the best in finding strength to assert stronger boundaries (which could mean walking away). Keep posting here for advice and support. Sometimes it's too blunt but many women here have been where you are and can help you to get out of this situation 💐

I don't think the problem is your working hours, looks like you work 9-2pm, that is

Sorry posted by mistake.

The problem is not your working hours it's your having to take responsibility for your DH's kids.

There are so many threads like this and it's always the woman being taken for a ride and putting her own future at risk for the sake of a man and then bringing another baby into the mix!

You don't sound happy OP, you're not married and have no security. Get out of this; put your kids first and start building yourself a decent career once you're baby is a bit older and more settled.

It sounds overwhelming, so break it down into chunks.

How about the first chunk is that you up your hours at the school you work at (or take on a few hours' work somewhere else after school)? You extend nursery hours for your baby and book your eldest into childcare. This means you cannot collect his elder two from school - but this is not for you to sort out, it's for your partner to do. This seems a relatively easy thing to achieve, is not a selfish move at all (as his elder two are not your responsibility) and may push him into the first step towards realising the issues and resolving the situation.

It might sound counterproductive as you say you want to work less hours, but in the long run you won't be run so ragged, you'll hopefully force him to step up, and most importantly you'll be earning a better wage which is crucial as you're not married.

One of the worst things I see time and time again on MN is unmarried women letting their careers suffer and financially crippling themselves (less salary, less career progression and most importantly lower pensions, if any) to let their partner's career flourish, and leaving themselves in a very precarious position should the relationship break down.

Something has to give, and that something is your partner arranging a flexible working arrangement.
He can’t simply throw up his hands and say ‘Sorry. Can’t. Bye.’

You’ll end up making yourself unwell.

Either just have his kids at weekend and mum has Mon to Thurs eve or you have to get husband to sort childcare, reduculous situation, do you have all kids in holidays also again not fair and at a guess u do

Your poor baby being dragged around multiple schools when she’s been away from you all day.
I'd be leaving this situation pronto and putting her needs first.

I’m the only stable person they’ve got and maybe I just don’t want to let go of them. Is that really true though OP if you're really honest with yourself? You've said youself you don't have enough time for any of the kids. Before this they were with Grandparents and 50% of the time they're with Mum and you had more time for your children. Is this choice really in their best interest or are they being let down so you can hold onto a man that doesn't respect you or them?

Hi I think that you are trying your best in a difficult situation so firstly recognise that, but don’t cut your nose off to spite your face, tell him to ask his mum and dad to do the after school pick ups … it’s their grandchildren and if he can’t do it he needs to make sure someone else can and that doesn’t have to be you. You can explain that although you agreed in the beginning things have changed with your daughter being born and you need help now as you can’t manage like you did before. Your baby needs time to settle after being collected from childminder rather than waiting around in the car getting fussier.