Working 5 days a week with 4 children.

[Amsley1]

Hi, looking for some advice or a miracle really.. has anyone got an ideas or suggestions that is in a similar situation..

I have an 11m old baby and a 9 soon to be 10yo boy. I have 2 step children who we have on weekly rotation with their mother. Basically I’ve been back to work from maternity leave for 8 weeks now, and I’m struggling. I struggled with all of the school drop offs/pick ups. As my child and my 2 step kids go to different schools. Now I add in childminder drop off in the morning to the mix, so I also work in a different school. I do first school, second school and then childminder and get my self to work all for 9.15am, I finish work at 2pm pick baby up then 1st child from school then a half hour wait and pick up the other two from 2 different schools at the same time. Basically have to be in 4 places at once. I have no help, partner is away before kids wake up on the morning and isn’t done till later on around dinner time or sometimes even later so I’m doing all of this solo. The baby will not take much of a nap or drink her bottle of milk at the childminder.she does eat her lunch though. She just won’t take a bottle for anyone else. She naps for an hour tops, so by the time I pick her up she’s cranky, milk hungry and hates the car. It’s a screaming match for almost an hour by the time we get home , from the hours 3.30-6.30(bedtime) isn’t for the weak. I try to get her to have a quick nap, she refuses but she’s past exhausted at this point. Then she barely touches her dinner because she’s so tired so it’s pretty much bath, bottle and bed by 6.30. But throw in after school activities into the mix on a Monday and Thursday it’s just a never ending stress. Then I feel guilty because I’m not having any special time with any of the kids because I’m rushing around doing pick ups and dinner and cleaning and bathing. I don’t know what to do, I’ve tried doing things differently a couple times to see if that helps. I’m so burnt out. Sorry for the long post. Any help would be appreciated. Thanks for reading

ps, I wasn’t brought up with my own mother so I have no direct help and have no other family around.

If he isn’t seeing what he can do to help then tell him. Nothing will prove if you don’t say anything.

I have said what will help numerous times! Change the court order, suggested other things. He’s not interested. Not all men are helpful and wonderful im afraid. Some clearly just love to run woman down.

To be quite honest with you, I’m not sure. His mum and dad helped him. But if you read some of my responses it was only when the kids mother found out about me, she started the whole “your not taking my kids around her” and tried to move to another country. Even though She was the one that didn’t want to be with him anymore. So he got a court order as she refused to give them to him at all for weeks. I don’t ask questions I don’t want to know the answers to, but from what it sounds. It was toxic up there too.

Does he help now?

No I have no local support. I have a couple friends that are also busy with their own lives. My mother was and still is a raging alcoholic and I was removed from her care due to psychical and emotional abuse when I was 4yo. I was brought up with my auntie who had guardianship over me until I was 18, her and my father had an agreement that he would continue to work and pay her. My dad now lives in another country and my auntie lives 200 miles away from me, she ditched me when she was able to have her own children. So no, no support whatsoever.

Why do you want to be with a man who you think just wants to run you down?

I’ve already said I don’t want to get married anymore and I know what I’ve got to do I just can’t do it right this second like everyone is telling me to do.

@Amsley1 You have a lot of insight into both yourself and this current situation and you will no doubt do what's best for you and your kids when the time is right. Sometimes it is good to give yourself a time limit, say three months and in that time, observe, observe, observe whether this is really how you want to continue and whether this man is worth all the stress. Very best wishes to you.

Yes - having to do absolutely everything was an eyeopener for him and I had a brutal consultant who spelled out to him what he was going to have to do for months after my discharge if he didn't want me back in hospital.

Love this. Glad it worked out for you in the end.

I understand you can't throw him out now but you could do as a pp has said and tell him tomorrow that you won't be doing pick ups anymore and just get your baby and your 10 year old and leave him to sweat the afterschool for his DC.

Good luck OP, you are right to wait until time is right. In the meantime maybe keep a diary of what you do, how you feel, the times he’s not helped, the suggestions you’ve made that he’s dismissed. Write down your good days and bad days. It will help you get real clarity.

Hi op your situation is awful right now I’m not sure what you can do at this stage with the baby but surely she will eventually take a bottle or sleep no one can keep going. but you’re going to have a breakdown if you carry on. Ask your dp if his parents can help with drop offs or pick ups & after school activities and if he does and they say no I would start getting your stuff together and give your dp an ultimatum he has to get home to look after his own kids or he can move out and have his kids himself and the baby 50/50 you need to be firm with him. He’s taking the piss big time I really would be thinking of my own health right now and not his kids because he’s not doing his share he’s leaving you to struggle any decent man/father would step up. If he’s not willing to work with you this is your life forever until you burn out and who will look after your 2 kids. Change the activities to Saturday and let him do this. He needs to compromise.

I might be a fool, an unpaid nanny, and all these other things people are saying about me but at least I'm trying to be a good mum and person. And believe it or not, every single one of these children come before me and even him on my behalf anyway.

Well if you want to be a "good mum and person" and put all these children before you, this is the outcome. What else is there? All people are doing is pointing out that martyring yourself does not, in fact, make you a good mum or good person necessarily - but you seem to think it does. So, crack on and deal with it. Sounds harsh, but that's really all there is to it.

If I remember correctly, you are renting and the rental agreement is in your name, so you can absolutely tell him to leave.

I understand that you are trying to be a good mum, but right now you are doing this to the detriment of your own children. It is your partner's responsibility to take care of his own children. Hard as you may find this, but you really should prioritise yours.

@Amsley1You’ve got a significant trauma background that’s gotten you here. You’re doing a great job. You need some therapy to really unpick your own history and really see your own motivations. A good therapist could really help you find a way forward and break some of these patterns. You’re desperately trying to be the mother your mother couldn’t be.

I came back to this thread hoping you might have taken some action. It's clear there is a problem of generational abuse. With you picking unsupportive partners. Please leave this situation before you hand the issue on to your kids.

@Jan24680WTAF. You hoped a woman who posted on the internet had actioned her entire life because YOU and a few other posters told her to? That’s actually insane. She’s taking onboard the comments as any sane person would! Christ alive!

Why are you with such a twat. You really need to focus on your own baby and DC. His children are his problem to sort. You are being exploited, don't know why you can't see this.

I think his relationship with his ex says it all. He was useless then and useless now, full of red flags, don't know why women think such men will ever improve.

Sorry I’ve edited, not sure if you seen the first response. I didn’t read properly

I’m not passing anything onto my children.. if you don’t like the post. Stop coming back to it. I was seeking ADVICE on my situation with my baby and children then everyone jumped on about my partner. How could I possibly take any action in 24 hours?? I was working today.. it’s easy for people to say do this and do that without being in this situation

This!

Also, there are good times and bad like everyone’s relationships.. how was I to know? How was anyone to know , until they’re in this situation. Nothing but judgement.

Hi op I think your struggling and I wouldn’t get into one with these posters you have had various suggestions and now only you can decide what is best for you and your kids. Save your energy.