Mortified, sensitive issue. Not sure what to do!

[louisaeight]

So my son only started school in September and a little boy who he went to the childminders with between 18 months and 2 years is in his class. This was great news when we found out as the boys were super close and have seen each other a handful of times since the childminder days for birthday parties and a few play dates. Also in their class is this boys other friend from his more recent childminder, which has been a bit confusing for my son as his friend wants to play with this friend more.

It seems that jealousy may have got the better of him and our son has been telling this boy that he ‘has to sit with him at lunch’ (this isn’t confirmed but is what the other mum is saying) My son tends to be more passive and sensitive, even though he’s a big personality and isn’t shy about sharing his views but it’s still possible that he did this.

Anyway, the boys parents (one from original childminders) have increasingly been very strange with us at pick up and drop off and we started to sense something was wrong when our son was saying that this boys mum has said to her son that they can’t be friends with each other anymore. Naturally this has been causing a lot of confusion and upset with my son. My son is also very upfront and has outright called his friends mum out on this which she has awkwardly denied twice whilst looking at the floor and not making eye contact with us.

It happened again yesterday, so I decided to drop her a message in the evening and see what’s going on as enough was enough.

This is where it gets very tricky. She replied to my message and told me that her son apparently told a teacher at school that his ‘mum kicked him and sent him to bed with no dinner’. Due to the level of this allegation social services were involved. When his parents quizzed him about why he had said this as it seems to be not true, he said on numerous occasions that our son had got him to tell this teacher.

Now this stunned me and is very out of character for our son, however, we’ve started to have a few conversations with him to gently try and find the truth, among wider more general conversations about the matter. He’s said he knows the teacher that his friend had told and was very focused on how upset he is that he doesn’t want to sit with him at lunch and be his friend. We also asked if like his friends mum (among taking about other kids mums) and he said no. I’m starting to see that maybe he could have been involved in this after all to some degree but we are gently bringing it up rather than forcing it so may take some time.

We had parents evening a few weeks ago and I mentioned that my son was getting upset about not being able to play with him and about the mum saying via her son she didn’t want them to play to together, did the teacher know anything about this? She said no. But by the sounds of this mums text reply, is that they have spilt them up in class. I’ll next to investigate this side of things as I feel that the school should have told me.

Now I don’t know what way everything happened or the real truth at this stage, but I feel like my child is being punished indirectly from that mum about something he supposedly did but there is no evidence for, what’s worse is the school haven’t involved us in this at all, we have no idea when this happened and the mum is no longer engaging with us. Even though it’s been 15 hours so she could still reply, hopefully.

when my husband and i replied to her text, we did this is an 8 min voicenote saying that we are absolutely mortified to hear this and that we’d wish she’s reached out before. We asked her a few questions to try and get the full picture of the story to get to the bottom of it all, but also said we’d like to speak to our son but we also don’t want to make it worse as they are in such close proximity to each other, but she hasn’t replied.

Im thinking I just contact the school directly but also our children are 4 years old and there is obviously complexities with friendships here. I’m aware that lying is a normal development thing for 4 - 6 year olds and it’s very important to us that our son understands that lying is not ok. But we also don’t want to blame him for something that he may not have done it, so need him to admit it first.

Arrgh! Help! I’m so cross with the while situation and I feel completely powerless!

Sorry - you and your husband sent this other parent an EIGHT MINUTE voicenote?

I wouldn't reply to that either.

I realise this isn’t helpful now but never ever, ever message parents, no matter how nicely or how well you know them, about their child’s behaviour, even if it’s mild. Ever. It should always go through the teacher.

I also think that if children see adults getting wound up and messaging one another and being upset it cements this idea it’s a big deal when honestly it isn’t; friendships tend to be easily sorted at this age and a bit of an ‘oh dear, well maybe Oliver was a bit grumpy today. If he’s like that tomorrow just ask someone else if they want to play.‘

You're getting way too involved in this. Stop pussyfooting around your son, bothering the other parents and treating this like a major investigation. Just tell your son that if his friend's mum has told the friend not to play with him then that's that. He needs to develop resilience and an understanding that he can't always have what he wants.

i am afraid you lost me at the 8 MINUTE VOICENOTE as well.

It sounds like you want some kind of truth and reconciliation committee over this. It’s four year olds, navigating friendships and doing stupid stuff. You’ll probably never fully get to the bottom of it. Let school deal with it. Let it go. Send a text to the mum apologising for being excessive.

I wouldn't have even listened to it!

Is this for real?

I think the fact your 4 year old son has openly confronted this parent about what theyve said to their son shows they have the gumption to convince this boy to lie to the teacher. This is very worrying and learned behaviour

The school wouldn't inform you of another parents wishes about their child.

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you.

The fact you let your son 'call out' another parent speaks volumes about your parenting as well.

She is absolutely entitled to not have a child she considers a trouble maker anywhere near her son.

Your family clearly has issues with boundries between your 4yo 'calling out' an adult, 8 minute voice notes, and the level of involvement you have because a mum doesn't want her child playing with yours. Take a massive step back and encourage him to play (nicely) with other kids and leave this family alone. Sounds like they have been through hell.

Your child will find other playmates. Well, he will if you don't bring him up to be weird and intense.

Also stunned at an 8 minute joint voice note, good grief.

Is this a reverse? Surely no sane person would contemplate sending an 8min voice message??!

I send a follow up apology if mine goes over about 30 seconds! Or I'll write it isnt an emergency or intense, just telling you about such and such because I don't want to cause any anxiety!

Invite a different kid for a play date so your son can start building other friendships.

The school don't have to tell you if this family want their child kept away from yours. Move on.

Or you do the normal and sane thing and tell your kid that Jimmy doesn’t want to be friends right now and that’s ok and to find other children to play with. The whys and hows are irrelevant . This other kid does not owe your kid a friendship just because they shared a childminder at some point.

You need to stop and back off.

You need to explain to your son that he can't make people sit with him or play with him. You need to respect the boundaries these parents and their child are trying to put in place. Don't allow your son to confront the mother, don't keep trying to contact someone who obviously wants to back away from you. Leave them alone and focus on helping your child make other friends.

Oh and you absolutely need to stop pussy footing around this potential lie he's told and teach him about the consequences.

Agree with PP you need to step WAY back. No, your child’s teacher should not be telling you any time the rearrange who sits where in class. Nor should they tell you about another parent’s issues or any dealing with another child.

Your son sounds about as intense as you are. Just because they had some connection some time ago doesn’t mean this should be a forced friendship forever. Encourage your son to make new friends and not to continue harassing this child and/or their parents. You also need to stop harassing and enquiring after these parents.

Actually mind blowing how intense you’ve all made this and tbf from that alone I wouldn’t want my child around yours. They’re far too young for this level of pressure around friendships.

Can't believe what I've just read.

@louisaeight there is only one course of action. You can't force other children to be friends with your own. Even at 4.

"Ah, that's a shame if Henry doesn't want to play with you Jack, let's invite one of the other children for a playdate. Who seems nice".

The whole thing sounds intense and slightly bonkers.

You have no issue with your 4 year old 'calling out his friends mum'?

Good advice from other posters.

I would agree and add that maybe you need to make a strategy to cope with the next 15 years ahead of you with the multiple hiccups that inevitably will come your way via your child, his friendships, relationships otherwise you are in for an extremely bumpy ride.

The longest voicemail I ever left was 5 minutes and that's because I was drunk!

OP which parent are you in this? Did you send the voice message or receive it? Are you reversing the facts?

If everything happened as you've laid out, my advice to you would be to chill out. Calm down. Hopefully, this will encourage your son to follow suit.

This boy doesn't want to play with him. That's a shame for your son, but that's what the facts are. Encourage him to make other friends and enjoy his time at school. Leave this other boy and his family alone.

Have a look at your child's behaviour because there are several things here that are not quite as they should be and all seem to point to a high level of anxiety/need for control.

It is possible of course that your son is completely blameless in all of this and is just the victim of some kind of smear campaign by this other boy. But the fact you seem unwilling to be believe that your son might even have been demanding the boy sits with him at lunch - which is the kind of minor friendship drama that happens ALL THE TIME at this age - makes me very sceptical you are looking at this impartially.

School don’t have to tell you if they’ve moved students. They do it all the time for various reasons.

the other mum is clearly not happy with your child’s behaviour and I also cannot believe you sent an eight minute voice note. Your son calling out an adult is completely unacceptable behaviour.

she’s backing off from you and your child because you both sound way outside social norms and apparently unaware of it.

Oh my!

Just back off from this whole situation and encourage your son to make other friends. I’d also be talking with the teacher about your son’s behaviour and how you can support him to interact more positively with other children. It sounds like he was dominating/directing this other child to a degree that was unhelpful.