Mortified, sensitive issue. Not sure what to do!

[louisaeight]

So my son only started school in September and a little boy who he went to the childminders with between 18 months and 2 years is in his class. This was great news when we found out as the boys were super close and have seen each other a handful of times since the childminder days for birthday parties and a few play dates. Also in their class is this boys other friend from his more recent childminder, which has been a bit confusing for my son as his friend wants to play with this friend more.

It seems that jealousy may have got the better of him and our son has been telling this boy that he ‘has to sit with him at lunch’ (this isn’t confirmed but is what the other mum is saying) My son tends to be more passive and sensitive, even though he’s a big personality and isn’t shy about sharing his views but it’s still possible that he did this.

Anyway, the boys parents (one from original childminders) have increasingly been very strange with us at pick up and drop off and we started to sense something was wrong when our son was saying that this boys mum has said to her son that they can’t be friends with each other anymore. Naturally this has been causing a lot of confusion and upset with my son. My son is also very upfront and has outright called his friends mum out on this which she has awkwardly denied twice whilst looking at the floor and not making eye contact with us.

It happened again yesterday, so I decided to drop her a message in the evening and see what’s going on as enough was enough.

This is where it gets very tricky. She replied to my message and told me that her son apparently told a teacher at school that his ‘mum kicked him and sent him to bed with no dinner’. Due to the level of this allegation social services were involved. When his parents quizzed him about why he had said this as it seems to be not true, he said on numerous occasions that our son had got him to tell this teacher.

Now this stunned me and is very out of character for our son, however, we’ve started to have a few conversations with him to gently try and find the truth, among wider more general conversations about the matter. He’s said he knows the teacher that his friend had told and was very focused on how upset he is that he doesn’t want to sit with him at lunch and be his friend. We also asked if like his friends mum (among taking about other kids mums) and he said no. I’m starting to see that maybe he could have been involved in this after all to some degree but we are gently bringing it up rather than forcing it so may take some time.

We had parents evening a few weeks ago and I mentioned that my son was getting upset about not being able to play with him and about the mum saying via her son she didn’t want them to play to together, did the teacher know anything about this? She said no. But by the sounds of this mums text reply, is that they have spilt them up in class. I’ll next to investigate this side of things as I feel that the school should have told me.

Now I don’t know what way everything happened or the real truth at this stage, but I feel like my child is being punished indirectly from that mum about something he supposedly did but there is no evidence for, what’s worse is the school haven’t involved us in this at all, we have no idea when this happened and the mum is no longer engaging with us. Even though it’s been 15 hours so she could still reply, hopefully.

when my husband and i replied to her text, we did this is an 8 min voicenote saying that we are absolutely mortified to hear this and that we’d wish she’s reached out before. We asked her a few questions to try and get the full picture of the story to get to the bottom of it all, but also said we’d like to speak to our son but we also don’t want to make it worse as they are in such close proximity to each other, but she hasn’t replied.

Im thinking I just contact the school directly but also our children are 4 years old and there is obviously complexities with friendships here. I’m aware that lying is a normal development thing for 4 - 6 year olds and it’s very important to us that our son understands that lying is not ok. But we also don’t want to blame him for something that he may not have done it, so need him to admit it first.

Arrgh! Help! I’m so cross with the while situation and I feel completely powerless!

The average summing up by defence counsel at the conclusion of a murder trial clocks in at just under six and a half minutes.

That you managed an eight minute voicemail about a spat between four-year-olds is just extraordinary.

And it’s made no less extraordinary by knowing that that statistic about trials is totally made up.

Really this is so silly. You need to calm down. This will blow over but if you carry on getting so involved it will grow arms and legs and you will end up getting a reputation as being Trouble. Leave it alone. There will be lots of incidents like this over the next few years and most of us just grow a thick skin. You cannot fight all your child’s battles or he will never learn how to cope or deal with school life and other kids. Also I would be concerned at him speaking to an adult in this manner. He sounds rather precocious and cheeky and you are enabling this instead of teaching him to respect his elders.

Can’t get past 8 minute voice note. Is that a typo? What on earth could you have said that took 8 minutes?? Were you recording a podcast??

Friendships change, especially once starting a new school. Move on and stop being weird.

Unsurprisingly the OP hasn't come back . I hope she takes on board what the majority of people have said . Lighten up OP and don't overthink it .

Since when did 4 year old children call out parents, just why was that allowed to happen?

Send a 8 minute duet voice note is crazy, who do you pair think you are, essentially talking at someone for 8 minutes.

This is a PFB isn’t it?

Also not a ‘passive and sensitive’ personality trait either.

You are way too invested in this situation and friendship. Just let it be whatever it is.
If your son did or said something then if the teaxher hasnt told you about it then you can't go around like Miss Marple trying to peice it together.

an 8 minute voice note?? I would have texted that you were mortified and could you have a chat about it sometime soon.

Number one rule in school - never talked to a parent about behaviours in school - always talk to the school and let them deal with stuff.

100% this. I think you might be making this worse. The teachers will involve you if necessary. There could be so many things going on behind the scenes that you're not aware of. Don't be quick to blame your son or rush to get involved.

Reported.

@BigFatBlondeTard Reported to Night Watch.

Reported. Weirdo

I can't believe you allowed your son to 'call out' the mother (not once but twice!). She is perfectly entitled to not want her child to play with certain other children. And then you left an 8 minute voice message! How can you see any of this as resonable behaviour?

A couple of things that jumped out at me where how you told the mum she should have said something sooner, and also that the school should have told you they were splitting the children up. I have been here, and I can tell you that the mum's priority is protecting her DD, not looking after your feelings. She probably feels that there's no point in talking to you because it's all just 'too much'. Going through the school means things get dealt with and her child gets protected, without having to deal with being 'called out' on the street and getting extensive voice notes.

Everything else aside, if a four year old child in my child's class repeatedly "called me out", I would probably ask the teacher to keep them away from my child. I wouldn't want my child to think it was ok to behave so disrespectfully to other adults. I definitely wouldn't call the disrespectful child's parents as I would figure they encourage that kind of behavior and wouldn't want the drama they might bring.

Wow 8 mins for such a simple issue. Apologise to this parent and move on. Your approach would prove to me that I needed to keep my child away.

Honestly your reactions are baffling.

Step away from the cray cray, including your own, they are 4!. Also teach your son how and when to address adults, as said, he doesn't get to question parenting decisions at his age. SS wouldn't get involved in one allegation. Schools can implement up to 2nd tier child protection, so I doubt what she said happened.

I wouldn’t want my son to play with yours either if he behaved like that. If he has indeed convinced the friend to lie about his mother just because he doesn’t like her, that shows he is being vindictive. The fact he’s already accused her to her face infront of you speaks volumes.

Had I been the other mother and you sent me an 8 minute voice note, I would be blocking you instantly.

🤣🤣

Honestly op, way too intense!!

Messaging another parent directly is always a bit of a risky move but you can't send them an 8 minute voice note! You come across way too intense and it's very unlikely to make them change their mind.

Talk to your son and the school to encourage him to sit with other children at lunch. This 'friendship' isn't working for either boy at the minute.

Arrgh! Help! I’m so cross with the while situation and I feel completely powerless!

What are you cross about exactly OP…and who with ?
I can understand you really really wishing this had never happened as it may have blighted the start of your little boy’s school career, when, like most decent parents, you simply wanted everything in reception year to be lovely for him.

You describe your son as sensitive and passive but with a big personality.

That indicates to me that he’s actually a strong character but still of course with the normal fears and sensitivities of any child starting school eg Will I have somebody to sit with and make me feel safe and more confident specially at overwhelming times like the lunch hall.

It seems he latched on to his old friend from over two years ago and wanted to rely on him more than was reciprocated, and became increasingly desperate to
keep the other little boy by his side. I wonder why he did this, - was it really insecurity or was it in any way an expectation placed on him by you because of the relief you felt that he would have a little friend. Sometimes, with just a few casual words, we can put these little pressures on our children without realising.

Your son also seems to have an extraordinary sense of injustice for his age, to have taken the other mum to task over trying to split them up, as well as extraordinary confidence to have done so in front of you. I can’t imagine how that happened and how you stood by and allowed him to do it. What exactly did you mean when you described this incident OP, as you seem quite proud that he did it.

Maybe your son concocted the ‘my mum kicked me’ story to discredit the other mum but that seems incredibly high-order thinking for a four year old. Or maybe the other boy did actually say that his mum kicked him and your son rightly told him to tell his teacher. But in any case, the situation is dealt with properly now by the school and the only outcome is that the two boys no longer sit together, which is a positive for your little boy in encouraging him to get to know other children, - just what he needs.

So all is well OP. There was no need to voice mail the other mum. You acted in haste there, no doubt wanting to protect your own son. But she must have had enough to deal with, without having to take on board all your confused and cross emotions.

Let it go now, put it behind you. Don’t make it any bigger by further questioning. Your son will pick up on your anxiety remember. Support him by lightly encouraging wider friendships, good manners and awareness/respect for his class mates’ feelings.
Maybe the two boys will naturally gravitate back towards each other sometimes or maybe they won’t. It’s not something you can control or get cross about.

I hope you feel better about things soon.

These kids are four. You’ll never know what really is going on - because they’re four! It’s all so over the top and you’re all mad for thinking anything of it.

I very much doubt your child at four has ‘made’ anyone do anything.
Honesyly it’s in your sons best interest for you to take a huge step back; forget it all, and encourage him to play with other children and make friends with other kids.

Youve got to stop fanning the flames of drama; the other parents are obviously a bit mad so just be polite and smile say hello when you see her but don’t stop and chat! Better to not be involved with them honestly. Seek other friends. Xx

Quite.