Mortified, sensitive issue. Not sure what to do!

[louisaeight]

So my son only started school in September and a little boy who he went to the childminders with between 18 months and 2 years is in his class. This was great news when we found out as the boys were super close and have seen each other a handful of times since the childminder days for birthday parties and a few play dates. Also in their class is this boys other friend from his more recent childminder, which has been a bit confusing for my son as his friend wants to play with this friend more.

It seems that jealousy may have got the better of him and our son has been telling this boy that he ‘has to sit with him at lunch’ (this isn’t confirmed but is what the other mum is saying) My son tends to be more passive and sensitive, even though he’s a big personality and isn’t shy about sharing his views but it’s still possible that he did this.

Anyway, the boys parents (one from original childminders) have increasingly been very strange with us at pick up and drop off and we started to sense something was wrong when our son was saying that this boys mum has said to her son that they can’t be friends with each other anymore. Naturally this has been causing a lot of confusion and upset with my son. My son is also very upfront and has outright called his friends mum out on this which she has awkwardly denied twice whilst looking at the floor and not making eye contact with us.

It happened again yesterday, so I decided to drop her a message in the evening and see what’s going on as enough was enough.

This is where it gets very tricky. She replied to my message and told me that her son apparently told a teacher at school that his ‘mum kicked him and sent him to bed with no dinner’. Due to the level of this allegation social services were involved. When his parents quizzed him about why he had said this as it seems to be not true, he said on numerous occasions that our son had got him to tell this teacher.

Now this stunned me and is very out of character for our son, however, we’ve started to have a few conversations with him to gently try and find the truth, among wider more general conversations about the matter. He’s said he knows the teacher that his friend had told and was very focused on how upset he is that he doesn’t want to sit with him at lunch and be his friend. We also asked if like his friends mum (among taking about other kids mums) and he said no. I’m starting to see that maybe he could have been involved in this after all to some degree but we are gently bringing it up rather than forcing it so may take some time.

We had parents evening a few weeks ago and I mentioned that my son was getting upset about not being able to play with him and about the mum saying via her son she didn’t want them to play to together, did the teacher know anything about this? She said no. But by the sounds of this mums text reply, is that they have spilt them up in class. I’ll next to investigate this side of things as I feel that the school should have told me.

Now I don’t know what way everything happened or the real truth at this stage, but I feel like my child is being punished indirectly from that mum about something he supposedly did but there is no evidence for, what’s worse is the school haven’t involved us in this at all, we have no idea when this happened and the mum is no longer engaging with us. Even though it’s been 15 hours so she could still reply, hopefully.

when my husband and i replied to her text, we did this is an 8 min voicenote saying that we are absolutely mortified to hear this and that we’d wish she’s reached out before. We asked her a few questions to try and get the full picture of the story to get to the bottom of it all, but also said we’d like to speak to our son but we also don’t want to make it worse as they are in such close proximity to each other, but she hasn’t replied.

Im thinking I just contact the school directly but also our children are 4 years old and there is obviously complexities with friendships here. I’m aware that lying is a normal development thing for 4 - 6 year olds and it’s very important to us that our son understands that lying is not ok. But we also don’t want to blame him for something that he may not have done it, so need him to admit it first.

Arrgh! Help! I’m so cross with the while situation and I feel completely powerless!

OP stop all this ‘gentle’ slow stuff around your kid.

A friend plays with someone else? You tell them that people are free to do that and sometimes you feel a bit sad but play with someone else til they want a turn playing with you again.

You suspect your kid might have been up to stuff? You ask them directly and firmly and say they need to explain what happened.

Your kid challenges another parent? Twice?

Get a hold of your child. Let them know things don’t always go their way. Teach them to deal with that. Let them know that telling lies is not ok. Put a bit of vim in it.

Plus kids do daft things. It isn’t ‘sensitive’ and ‘mortifying’ if you just take a hold and address it head on with your kid.

What did he do wrong? He encouraged his friend to tell his teacher because his friend had disclosed that he was kicked and sent to bed without dinner. How is he going to know if it’s true or not.
The fact the parent doesn’t like it, is a red flag as it sounds like they’re trying to cover something up. Neither of us know if it’s true or not but the child was just doing the right thing.

@LAMPS1 your post is a really good response, helpful without the namecalling or coming across as judgemental. Sadly I don't think the OP is coming back to this thread, but hopefully she does as there is some useful advice here.

You 'highly doubt' the child is being abused - well that's OK then. I 'highly doubt' a child would be able to make up that story and get another child to tell it to a teacher.

Social services can be assigned, but white, middle class parents can get away with all sorts.

I’m not sure your son is passive and sensitive. You yourself describe him as upfront! Just step back. You’re massively overthinking this and being weirdly intense. Tell your DS to play / sit with someone else.

This is why you can never ascribe qualities to yourself or your own children. You are not objective. It’s for others to decide by your / their actions whether you are nice / passive etc.

I learned this as a teen when a quiet extremely intelligent friend of my parents described herself as “bubbly”. Lovely woman with many great qualities but bubbly she was not!

I Think “being sent to bed with no dinner” is the kind of punishment you sometimes come across in (slightly old-fashioned) children’s stories so wouldn’t surprise me for a child to think of this.

According to OP it has been professionally investigated by social services so it’s none of OP’s business. But to me it sounds exactly like the kind of thing a child egging on another child to cause mischief would come up with.

This an excellent response.

I disagree though that about the “high ordered thinking for a 4 year old”.

I’ve certainly seen incidents of “I don’t like child X so I will tell the teacher than X has kicked me”. It doesnt seem much of a leap to get to “I don’t like child X’s mum so I will get X to tell the teacher than she kicked him”.

Im stunned at this post. I can’t beleive there are parents that act like this about 4 year olds! they’ll be playing with someone else next week. you shouldn’t have messaged the parent, spoken to the teacher or mentioned it to your son. don’t give it any more oxygen and move on OP

Excellent post.
I believe children should be able to express themselves while also ensuring they know their boundaries, otherwise they come across as rude and entitled.

@louisaeight Any update.

So your kid's friend told him his parents abused him. Your kid quite sensibly suggested he tell the teacher, which he did.

They're making it out like your child told theirs to make up a load of false allegations?!

If the mum insists on no friendship outside school all you can say is it's not from my side and I want my son to be friends with him if that's what he also wants. You shouldn't apologise for anything though.

Your son is obviously feeling a little insecure and was perhaps relying on the other boy too much , perhaps the other boy wanted to play more with the second child . At this age and particularly in reception class all the children are playing and mixing and finding which friends they like to spend time with.His Childminder friend was feeling overwhelmed and maybe his mum has said he doesn’t have to play with only your son . All perfectly normal for 4/5 year olds , just take a step back and back off .