Mortified, sensitive issue. Not sure what to do!

[louisaeight]

So my son only started school in September and a little boy who he went to the childminders with between 18 months and 2 years is in his class. This was great news when we found out as the boys were super close and have seen each other a handful of times since the childminder days for birthday parties and a few play dates. Also in their class is this boys other friend from his more recent childminder, which has been a bit confusing for my son as his friend wants to play with this friend more.

It seems that jealousy may have got the better of him and our son has been telling this boy that he ‘has to sit with him at lunch’ (this isn’t confirmed but is what the other mum is saying) My son tends to be more passive and sensitive, even though he’s a big personality and isn’t shy about sharing his views but it’s still possible that he did this.

Anyway, the boys parents (one from original childminders) have increasingly been very strange with us at pick up and drop off and we started to sense something was wrong when our son was saying that this boys mum has said to her son that they can’t be friends with each other anymore. Naturally this has been causing a lot of confusion and upset with my son. My son is also very upfront and has outright called his friends mum out on this which she has awkwardly denied twice whilst looking at the floor and not making eye contact with us.

It happened again yesterday, so I decided to drop her a message in the evening and see what’s going on as enough was enough.

This is where it gets very tricky. She replied to my message and told me that her son apparently told a teacher at school that his ‘mum kicked him and sent him to bed with no dinner’. Due to the level of this allegation social services were involved. When his parents quizzed him about why he had said this as it seems to be not true, he said on numerous occasions that our son had got him to tell this teacher.

Now this stunned me and is very out of character for our son, however, we’ve started to have a few conversations with him to gently try and find the truth, among wider more general conversations about the matter. He’s said he knows the teacher that his friend had told and was very focused on how upset he is that he doesn’t want to sit with him at lunch and be his friend. We also asked if like his friends mum (among taking about other kids mums) and he said no. I’m starting to see that maybe he could have been involved in this after all to some degree but we are gently bringing it up rather than forcing it so may take some time.

We had parents evening a few weeks ago and I mentioned that my son was getting upset about not being able to play with him and about the mum saying via her son she didn’t want them to play to together, did the teacher know anything about this? She said no. But by the sounds of this mums text reply, is that they have spilt them up in class. I’ll next to investigate this side of things as I feel that the school should have told me.

Now I don’t know what way everything happened or the real truth at this stage, but I feel like my child is being punished indirectly from that mum about something he supposedly did but there is no evidence for, what’s worse is the school haven’t involved us in this at all, we have no idea when this happened and the mum is no longer engaging with us. Even though it’s been 15 hours so she could still reply, hopefully.

when my husband and i replied to her text, we did this is an 8 min voicenote saying that we are absolutely mortified to hear this and that we’d wish she’s reached out before. We asked her a few questions to try and get the full picture of the story to get to the bottom of it all, but also said we’d like to speak to our son but we also don’t want to make it worse as they are in such close proximity to each other, but she hasn’t replied.

Im thinking I just contact the school directly but also our children are 4 years old and there is obviously complexities with friendships here. I’m aware that lying is a normal development thing for 4 - 6 year olds and it’s very important to us that our son understands that lying is not ok. But we also don’t want to blame him for something that he may not have done it, so need him to admit it first.

Arrgh! Help! I’m so cross with the while situation and I feel completely powerless!

It’s interesting that you doubt your son could be trying to boss this child around + come up with a lie while also describing him as very upfront.

Regardless, bottom line is back off and don’t send 8min voice notes to people. And you can also just be direct with your son and talk to him about it, instead of all this detective work.

And OP has left the building.

Probably busy sending another 8 minute monologue to another parent whose child didn’t pick her ds first at PE 🙈

I probably would just have sent a quick text saying sorry my child did X I will talk to them. And then just move on and never mention it again and help my child find other children and not repeat the behaviour

It sounds like your son was already causing problems for this other child by trying to get in the way of his other friendships. That plus the new problem that has caused stress for the whole family, you can't blame them for not wanting him to keep away from your son.

You need to tell him the importance of not lying, tell him that people can have lots of friends and pick and choose & encourage him to move on and make new friends.

That boy is not obliged to be your sons friend for life because they once went to childminders together. There are more children around now and he has obviously moved on. Time your son does to and learns he cannot control others

This.

I'm really sorry but you're handling this situation all wrong.

This is an issue that may (or may not) be happening in school. All dealings should be through the school. Do not speak directly to the parents about any of this. The very idea of leaving an 8 minute voicemail to a parent is insane. If the teacher tells you that there is no issue with your sons behaviour then let that be the end of it.

Well that was a very convaluted post
Eight....EIGHT minute Voicenote??
4 year old calling out another parent?

Jesus, they're 4 years old, friends will be changing on a weekly basis at that age 🤣

An 8 minute monologue?

If that Mum speaks to any other mums at school your sons social life (and yours at school) is over
You are unhinged and your son is very rude

This is fascinating! The 8 minute thing it must have been like a speech?! Did you both talk?!

"Sorry about that 8 minute voice note, I got carried away, please don't worry about listening to it. Short version is that I'm sorry about all that, parenting is a learning curve, isn't it!"

It would take me an awful lot longer than 15 hours to listen to and respond to a longggg voice note. Days, weeks, months, never.

I suspect a case of gentle parenting descended into shit permissive parenting.

I wonder if , rather than focusing on the fact that your son is being distanced from this child, you might find it more helpful for his own future to reflect on what this family has (perhaps) been through because of your son encouraging the other child to lie.
I am a parent of a four year old boy. I think that many four year olds would be susceptible to going along with lies if their friend says to do it.
Can you put yourself in their shoes? He's demanding that the other child sit with him, confronting the mother and possibly encouraging him to lie to a teacher, which has had major consequences to the family, social services, for goodness sake!
If this is true, I would be hugely reluctant to let my son be friends with someone who had done this. It's dreadful. I would be buying some books on the importance of telling the truth, make him aware that lies have consequences and absolutely impressing on him that he is not to "call out" adults.
I would want to work on this asap, before he loses any more friends.

The 8 minute voice note makes you sound insane sorry. Ask the teacher if there are any issues you should be aware of, encourage your child to be kind, honest and willing to share friends. Stop harassing the other parents and ‘investigating’.

Seems unlikely 😂

I have got a little lost to be honest. I understand your son is upset that this particular child doesn't want to sit with him at lunch. However, am I correct in thinking your son told this friend to tell a teacher that his Mum kicked him and sent him to bed without dinner????? Yes, that would have caused the school to call SS, as it's treated as an 'disclosure', and would need to be investigated. I'm assuming this is the same parent who your son 'called out'? Your son at 4, is too young to understand the consequences of telling his friend to lie to a teacher and make up allegations regarding his Mum. However, your son would be upset and angry with the Mum for telling her son, she didn't wanting him playing with yours. My only concern would be that the school should have spoken to you regarding the lie this boy told to the teacher at your son's instigation. As a parent, you need to be more concerned about this than your child sitting next to the other boy at lunchtime. That's the least of your worries. Your son instigated another child to make an allegation against his own Mum to a teacher. This is odd behaviour. If your child had been older, I'd have said it was revenge for taking his friend away from him. You need to take a very big step back - behaviour at school should be taken up with the school - you shouldn't be contacting parents. It's common for teachers to moving children to different seats around the class, especially this early into the school year. Tell your son that X doesn't want to play/sit with him at the moment, that it's the other boy's choice and no one can force him to play/sit with your son. Encourage your son to play with other children, and seek out different friendships. Leave the other parents alone, don't contact them again.

This.

Stop making a bloody big drama over this!

Agreed - madness and supporting their doubts about the son.....

Agree. I learnt this the hard way. I only ever go through the school now.

What on earth did you waffle on about that lasted 8 minutes?!

Everyone’s making a massive assumption that the child made this up. He could well have been telling the truth and your son did the right thing.
The fact the parent said they can’t play together now because of this is a huge red flag!

Try it - that’s a really long time for a monologue 🤣 which makes me think this can’t be real. Even an 8 minute presentation with prompt cards can be tough but an off the cuff 8 minute voice note? Didn’t happen I hope to god

What the heck?

You need to step away from this situation.

Support your son at home with his feelings of rejection. Encourage him to focus on make other friends.

No wonder the other parent is steering clear you are coming across like a helicopter at best and batshit at worst.

Not helpful in any way but if ever I feel sad dc are growing up and start missing primary school days, I’ll just think of this thread and the 8 minute voice note from op and her husband. Do you think they had scripted parts so they stayed on message?

I wonder if their family dynamic is that son must always get what he wants and this is the first time they are bumping up against others outside the nursery environment where you are still very much a paying customer. Things aren’t going their sons way for the first time ever so they all can’t handle this and go absolutely batshit.