Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

So she has beaten up her stepmum because she's mad with her girlfriends?
And your advice is to reward her and take her shopping?
Wow, I'm speechless...
Taking away her phone and putting some proper parental controls there would be my first move... her dad should do it. If she wasn't in the group chat, she wouldn't have been bullied like this. I don't understand why a 12 year old should have access to all this.

Unfortunately I’m not being ridiculous

I'm a stepmother (all grown-up now), and would like to think I could have handled this situation as well as you @kewpiedoes... but I'm not sure I could have done such a good job. 💐

Wise words .

So what consequences have you handed out op? Hormonal /upset she still assaulted you.

I think you've handled this really well and it must be hard for her not having her own mum in her life.

From what you've said it sounds like it's time to make it really clear that as her step mum you see her as a daughter. She should never be embarrassed I'm front of you and your the person she needs to talk to about friendships , girl problems etc. You may already demonstrate this to her but it would be good for her to hear it.

Also think about what you can do to cheer her up after the way her 'friends' treated her.

Hang on. Days out shopping trips new clothes... She beat up her step mother and smashed up her belongings.

I've seen a harsher punishments, doled out for breaking something by accident.

It is not normal for a twelve year old to beat the living daylights out of a parent figure because their friends were mean to them.

What happens the next time she has a fallout with friends, another beating... She ll get a shopping trip and some treats out of it after all.

Bless her, everything peaked in a perfect storm yesterday didn’t it. I think you handled it really well. She doesn’t need a mental health assessment, just a big hug and reassurance that you love her. And a discussion about yesterday so that it doesn’t happen again. But overall it sounds like she has many of the usual teenage problems all hit her at once.
Thank goodness you didn’t call the police/throw her out etc etc , that’s the way to make things worse in this case. So glad she’s got you on her side OP.

Good news.
A lot can be fixed.

I’m guessing it was a body hair comment? Clothes? Other horrible girl things.

Body hair - you know how to fix this, you can guide her. Don’t be shocked, at my DS school it was common to shave off all pubes. I was shocked, but how would I stop DD from doing this as girls very judgy in changing rooms.
Clothes - there is no doubt some “ uniform” they are all wearing. Go shopping. Nice bras?
Maybe a subtle glow up, hair cut. Brow shape?
It’s your chance to be a guide for her in the mysterious world of female grooming,

it might be a lonely few weeks. She’s fine the right thing shutting down.
when she’s back at school, things may go back to normal.

She sounds like she’s had a really rough time of it lately and is trying to keep it all bottled up.

It’s great she’s opened up to you.

I wouldn’t contact the other parents, I would encourage her to leave her phone for a while and focus on doing things at home and with you, that make her feel happy. When she’s ready she will tell you what was said but it’s clearly quite painful just now.

She’s feeling lost at the moment and after last night is maybe worried about her place in the family as she knows you aren’t her mum. She needs comfort and reassurance right now . She needs to know that she’s as important as your younger children as when her dad is away with work, she may feel like a burden to you.

You’re doing well with supporting her, she does feel loved.

What a sad update, i did think it may have been something to do with a fall out with her friends. Hopefully you can get to the bottom of it. Do u know any of the parents well enough to ask if they know what went off without it looking like a blame game etc or it turning into something bigger, ie would they keep it confidential that you are asking as opposed to their child making things worse that parents are involved, if she is closer to one of the friends than the others they may be able to help. Fwiw i went through this when my daughter was the same age. It all blew over but was awful to see my child feel like this. You sound lovely and supportive and i’m sure it will all work out just fine as she has support. It might be tough for a while esp as its the holidays, i don’t know if she has other friendship groups you can encourage her to be with, if it isn’t sorted out before return to school, be prepared for her to feel anxious again, hopefully it will be. She does need to know that how she acted Is not ok, but it sounds like your relationship is strong enough to be able to work through this with her. Good luck to you both

Poor child, what you have shown her with your response OP is that you do care, she does belong and that you love her. It must be very difficult for a young girl to grow up without her mother and it's wonderful that she has you. Ignore the vile uncaring posters entirely lacking in empathy, the way you are handling this is absolutely the right way. I work in criminal justice/safeguarding and DH works in youth criminal justice/mental health. She feels she doesn't have a safe place and people leave, you are consistently showing her she does and you will be there for her.

^^ I second all this. Brilliant advice.

Just to say, that you were given some dreadful advice last night from slapping her back (disgusting) and throwing her out (not much better)

Also just wanted to say the way you handled things was top notch parenting and she is very lucky to have you. I think you proved, in how you were with her, how much you love her, and she will come to recognise this and that you are not the enemy. What a lovely step mum you are.

Lastly I just want to say hang in there. From 12 to 16 is a really difficult age with teenage girls. I have raised two and have been there, done that. This is a hard time for them, adjusting to their changing bodies, pressure to grow up and be liked by their peers and constantly judged. Friend groups get torn, girls get bitchy and all they want to do at this age is fit in. Add to that the newly found interest in who they are becoming as people, their sexuality and the fact that they don't see themselves as a child but are not yet an adult. Its a confusing time. Chuck in raging hormones and its all a bit of a shit show.

But she needs to know that reacting as she did is not right, will not be tolerated and is not the way to handle her emotions. Encourage her to communicate with you and let her know she can tell you absolutely anything and you will never judge her.

Great advice here

You are doing a great job OP and so good she finally opened up. I am sure you and DH will find a way to navigate this tricky period for her. It's so hard being this age

If all of her 'friends' are from school can you help her find another peer group for balance ?

Just came on to say the same

Get a grip of yourself. The girl has no contact with her biological mother and has been rejected by her "friendship" group. It is not a normal situation which may have led to her lashing out.

It is not part of an established pattern of behaviour and she needs support as well as help with better coping strategies.

Baying for punishments totally miss out the root cause of the behaviour.

We can only go on what the op has written. She was attacked, she removed her younger kids, she now has some information from her dsd but I’d say to be cautious on the truth and/or completeness of this information. Mental health is the same as physical health - it needs sorting out when needed. It also needs to be kept in good health in the mind the same as for the body. Here there are a lot of red flags and at age 12 there’s a lot for this child to manage. She’s indicated body issues related to clothes fitting and hair. Yes this could be nothing but in the context it’s something to look into deeper. The family relationship issues she’s mentioned these have come out and need addressing. There’s more below the surface for sure and a lot she might not be able to understand at her age. Seriously it all needs assessment and professional mental health support. It’s for the wellbeing of the child and family.

It’s speaks volumes that she opened up to you so honestly. This is so amazing. Healthy families aren’t perfect behaviour- healthy relationships are that things are ok when things go wrong.

Never waste a crisis - what’s happened today is huge. She’s told you how bad some seemingly small stuff has made her feel. She’s opened up about how she feels when her dad is away. Take this and learn from it. You’re an incredible family from what I’ve read here

Well done, OP. You’ve done a fantastic job at handling this so far.

As a teacher, I would say do not contact school or other parents at this stage. Fallings out and nasty comments are common in girls at this age and escalating it into a big thing will only make it worse. They need to learn to navigate these friendship issues themselves as they are going to face this kind of thing repeatedly throughout their school years. Often they are storms in teacups that blow over very quickly.

I am wondering from her behaviour whether she may be autistic. It’s very underdiagnosed in girls as they are so good at masking, and what happened last night is symptomatic of a meltdown where she couldn’t control or manage her emotions anymore. The violence and smashing of things is very common in an autistic meltdown as the overwhelm is just too much to cope with. Her friends turning on her and her dad being away have obviously converged to make her feel very insecure and during the holidays she is out of routine as well, which is another trigger for people with autism.

It could be worth doing some reading up on this. In my far too many years of teaching experience, in girls, autism often starts presenting itself in obvious ways in Year 7 and Year 8, when puberty hits and patterns of behaviour change. Suddenly socialising isn’t about playing anymore and becomes focused on gossip and boys, and lots of girls with autism can’t make that switch in social behaviours and so start feeling excluded, isolated and overwhelmed.

Look after yourself too in all this. She is lucky to have such a lovely stepmum.

Ffs

Agree, I would not tolerate this from my own daughter. Of course there could be a million reasons as to why she is angry, hurting, struggling or whatever but I feel way too many posters focus on that and a softly-softly "feel better, let me understand you darling" approach. I went through a lot in my own childhood, but wouldn't dream of hitting a parent (or anyone!) for just asking me what's going on. And the fact she hasn't come out to apologize after says a lot.

This sounds like a perfect storm of everything getting to her at once, bless her. It sounds like she feels genuinely safe with you, which is an amazing reflection on how you’ve parented, and actually makes me feel quite emotional - it’s genuinely lovely to hear that she felt she could open up to you, even when she was feeling so embarrassed.

The combination of falling out with friends and them being unpleasant, being uncomfortable with body changes, and feeling like she has nothing to wear is a bit of a clusterfuck when you’re 12. I can easily imagine how, especially with hormones in the mix, that could spill over into worrying that you don’t love her…but it’s entirely obvious that you do. Could you take her shopping for a few items of clothing and an electric shaver, maybe, to try to help with some of the more manageable issues (if her Dad would be on board with that)? At 12, I’d include my daughter in the discussions with her Dad about how to handle it with the friends/ex-friends, to make sure she felt she had some input/agency in the situation.

OP, you’re a great example of how to parent well when kids are going through something. I was being bullied horribly at your SDs age, and life would have been much easier with a mum like you.