Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Considering her age and the potential seriousness of what the messages might contain, could you take steps to recover them? A quick google shows that it's relatively easy to recover deleted messages on an i-phone and there are You tube videos to guide you. Any other kind of phone seems less easy, but there are companies that will do forensic work on phones. I would be doing everything I could to track down what has caused such distress. Good luck!

If you're no nearer getting to the bottom of it by the end of the holiday, I would consider contacting the school in the week before term begins. It may just be a falling out, but DD's extreme reaction and the fact that at least two of the girls have deleted everything suggests there might be something more serious going on. School might already be aware of issues relating to some of the other girls.

If nothing else, they'll be able to keep an eye on how DD is coping with seeing these other girls again

Minor conflicts previously but nothing that required intervention from parents or school,
she has previously anyways been happy to say to us what has gone on.

Some bullying from other children in primary but again she coped with this and was communicative.

She had a sleepover last Saturday with most of the group, town trip was arranged before this as one of the girls was going away the next day.

She had generally been moodier but she reminded me about town and needing a lift after the sleepover so I assume was still on then. It must have happened only over the last few days.

Her dad was away and I hadn’t checked her phone since then ( it was still handed in every night)

The messages would have been on a WhatsApp group chat and dh has tried the recommended steps to recover them but nothing is coming up, I don’t this it was set to back up messages.

If she's gone to those lengths to delete AND her friend/another girl has (who presumably wasn't the victim/target/walking round on her own??) Then it is probably something pretty serious...

Not to panic you but might be worth reaching out to other parents or discussing with the other girls mum you know and trust about next steps

Is there ANY way to recover anything at all??

I don’t think we know any of the know other parents well enough to trust it won’t cause further issues.

DSD has begged us not to talk to any of her friends/parents and are conscious of not breaking her trust.

I didn’t disclose the full details to this mum just that DSD didn’t go to town and had deleted all messages and was upset but I guess it’s worth sharing the potentially seriousness and concern we have.

Will give school a heads up if it’s not resolved by then.

OP, I’ve mainly only read your posts, but skimmed a few others which range as always from sensible to WTAF sort of an overreaction is that? Anyway, you seem like a very strong and normal family unit and I just had two comments to make.

1. I’m the eldest of three kids who grew up together and although my dad was on the scene but only physically there a few times a year (and as it happens is on holiday with me and my wife and kids right now as we speak) my stepdad never, ever treated me like anything other than his own child. He and my mum had two more kids together and we were and are a family. There were times where I didn’t treat him the same way, in my teens, once where it really kicked off and he had to physically restrain me from leaving the house and I berated him with “you’re not my dad” but he was right to do it (I suppose I ought to be clear that I’m male), and we’re all very close all these years later. From what you’ve said you are the same sort of parent. Step-parent isn’t even the right wording. Some people deliberately seem to draw a line of responsibility where the step parent isn’t a real parent and you have lovingly chosen not to.

2. My little sister from my biological dad’s third marriage had a horrible time at around the age you are talking about. Her small friendship group in a private school at that time were very competitive and ended up falling out and bullying each other, she was devastated in a way that only young teens can be over things that they look back on and laugh at or at least deal with just a few years later.

There may be more to this situation than that, but there may not be. She’s a kid, going through an emotional time of life. You being there for her as you have is admirable and you’re clearly a loving parent. Hope you and your DH can continue to talk it through and work it through with your daughter and the younger kids.

Do you think these messages maybe back up on that cloud so you can retrieve them? Sounds like something very toxic happened.

OP, I've only read your posts, not the 31 pages of responses, so apologies if someone else has already said this.

I'm guessing DSD has been in your life for a number of years now. You also mention she has no contact with her mother. Have you considered adopting DSD, or would this even be possible? If her mother has nothing to do with her, and you're prepared to consider this, it could be what she needs to feel like a 'full member' of the family? I may be way off, and obviously it shouldn't be a knee jerk reaction to what has happened, but something to think about perhaps?

You sound like a very loving person with a sensible approach - more so than some of the awful responses I've read on here. Sounds like something may potentially have happened at the sleepover last weekend, which has escalated since.

Friendship group dramas are so common in girls in years 7-9 that now some schools are bringing specialist in to deal with them. Our DD’s school did. Our school held a webinar with these specialists and I have a slide deck from it somewhere. DM me if you’d like me to find it and send it to you.

My DD was completely ostracised by her friendship group in year 8 for no reason whatsoever. She is even back friends with some of those girls now years later and they still say they don’t know why they did it.

I don’t think you’ll get much from trying to dig. The school tried to be helpful, we tried to talk to the other parents. Absolutely nothing worked or made anything better. It was a truly awful time.

The only thing that helped was us spending a lot of time with our DD. Trying to build her back up. She thankfully made friends with a few new girls and ended up dusting herself down and just getting on with it. After about a year the original friendship group had disbanded and some of them became friends with my DD again. Water under the bridge and all that.

So my advice would be don’t do any digging or trying to speak to parents. Spend a lot of one on one time with her over the summer, try and build her confidence back up. Try to encourage she makes new connections with other girls from her school and start forming a plan with her as to how she is going to deal with seeing these girls every day come September as she’ll need some coping strategies.

Best of luck x

I would say @kewpiedoes thst the drama itself was probably fairly run of the mill, being left out, rejected etc has triggered other things related to potentially her mother and her standing within the family. Things that to the girls themselves may well be innocuous and petty and the run of the mill stuff that they do to each other all the time (it is not a pleasant time) but for her hits deeper

and it is that I think that is going to be tough because it isn’t going to be about talking through the friendship issues it is going to be about the family and your dynamic and where she fits and that is going to be hard for all of you o think

There will probably be a "popular" ringleader and her sidekick spreading spite and picking other girls off one by one - we had this in my final year at primary school in the early 60s. I came across the same pair a couple of years later, still at it, at grammar school ... they homed in on me, smirking, and I greeted them loudly with their childish nicknames, which they had obviously dropped (what with being 12/13 not 10/11). They backed off. They were already mostly ostracised, so what goes around sometimes comes around.

@kewpiedoes Hey, I understand how worried you must be. I have a child in a similar age so just wanted to say if relevant that at his Secondary School the safe guarding team are available for support over school holidays. I recall being at a talk about school in general and the HT making it very clear that they were very happy to support families over the Summer, especially so that things don't hang over the young ones over the Summer and make returning to school difficult. She was very reassuring that 'nothing was too small' to report and she would rather parents did get in touch than not if they had any concerns. Perhaps your dsds school does similar?

A very close friend of mine discovered some racial abuse on her son's whatsapp group over the Summer holidays. (Different school to mine). They liased with the school over the Summer, managed to get support and reassurance, and some measures were put in place before return to school.

And some other advise/thoughts from someone also navigating early teen years. We don't want to betray their trust, we want them to feel agency etc. Of course we do. But we are also the adult responsible for them. We have ultimate responsibility to ensure their safety. A silly analogy would be if she had a raging fever, a headache and physical symptoms you had not seen in her before, you would seek medical care, even if she said she didn't want to go to a doctor. You would trust your instinct as an adult and care giver that actually, she needs to be seen to.

I would trust yourself on this too. She is in distress and something has triggered that. She is not able to tell you what it is, and so you and her dad need to find this out somehow. Do you think you can explain this to her?

My ds once got extremely upset over something a girl had said to him in Y8. He wouldn't tell us what it was. Everything deleted on his phone. I did tell him that he had to speak to me because I have a duty of care and have to ensure he is safe. I said that if he felt he couldn't talk to me then I completely understand but I would need to speak to the pastoral team at school to make sure nothing had happened to him. He then told me, eventually. And we went from there.

Just some thoughts in case its helpful. Also and I mean this sincerely but try to look out for your self as well. A walk, a cup of tea. An early night. This things take their toll and no doubt you have been running on adrenaline.

I agree with the above post. Yes, she’s said she doesn’t want you contacting the other parents but I think you should. For another girl to delete the message trail too is worrying. Also, I find it hard to believe a 12 yr old would be so angry and aggressive just because she was left out. She could easily have phoned you and got collected early, making up an excuse.

She had all evening shut in her room to think of a story to tell you. I don’t believe you got the truth at all. Who knows what the truth is? Did they meet up with other girls? Boys? Dare each other to do something? Drink? The possibilities are endless.

I’d either contact the other parents without telling your SD, or I’d tell her that I knew she wasn’t telling the full truth; that I was very worried about this, and that I needed the truth however bad it was and whatever happened; and that if she didn’t tell me the full truth I’d be paying to have her messages retrieved. That’s the nuclear option, of course, so I’d go with the first one - contacting the other parents.

Thankyou so much

I couldn’t find anything about contacting the school during holidays, I guess it’s worth emailing her pastoral lead incase they are working at some point though.

Although it feels unkind an ultimatum of tell us or we will have to phone other parents sounds good, it gives her the choice and let’s her know what we are doing instead of doing it behind her back though I guess she could just lie.
I’m surprised she hasn’t, It would be really easy for her to if she didn’t want us to keep asking, she could just say oh someone said things about me not having a mum or that I was ugly/stupid so we dropped it.

The fact that she keeps saying something happened but that she’s can’t say it to us is concerning and seems like she’s trying to hint she still wants us to do something about it

I'm so sorry to hear this; it was clearly something really very unkind, but at least that reassures you that her out of character behaviour was triggered by something that was obviously not insignificant. The poor girl.

It's so lovely to have a SM thread where the SM is protecting and defending the SC, rather than seeking to find fault and justify pushing her away. I think you are doing a great job OP. Its not easy !

It's only been a couple of days, OP. I'd maybe drop the subject for a week or so and "play normal" until it's a bit less raw.

Yes, that's exactly my concern too. The 'I can't say' bit is worrying (my son said this too) and it makes you wonder if someone has threatened them in some way? It might also help to explain that sometimes you cant see the wood for the trees when you have experienced something, and that you believe that you can't tell anyone etc, but if you do, you take your power back. At the moment, the mean girls/bullies, have the power and they are relying on her feeling ashamed/upset enough not to tell anyone. Accepting help from your parents, takes that agency and control back for her. It shows her that actually, what you did/say is not ok, and its not something I'm prepared to accept having been said/done to me.

I understand that the 'ultimatum' feels conflicted but you will frame it as a 'this is the only way I can make sure you are safe'. I said to my son that 'I will stop at nothing to make sure that you are safe. Nothing. Whatever needs to be said or done to make sure that you are safe is what I will need to do. There is nothing that you can't tell me. There is no shame, upset, hurt or anger, from anyone that will stop me from keeping you safe from harm. That always come first. Kind of thing.

❤️

Check website for anything on safeguarding/pastoral care and out of hours. I hope they have something.

I think a softly phrased ultimatum with this sort of wording and explanation behind it is the way to go. I agree with you that deep down she wants to say what’s happened.

Just a note on school - there will be staff in for results days but they will be there for that purpose only. Other than that, schools close fully in the holidays and will not be able to help you until September. Plus given that this happened outside of school, the expectation will be that parents attempt to resolve it.

However, absolutely do send an email to her pastoral lead (for them to see when they return in September) to keep them in the loop so they can support your stepdaughter’s return to school.

If you uncover anything that makes you concerned for another child’s safety then NSPCC can be a good source of advice, or you can contact your local social services team directly.

I really hope you get to the bottom of it.

@kewpiedoes Hey, another thought for when appropriate. If the stepmum/mum comes up perhaps you can gently say to her that you did not want to mKe her feel sad or uncomfortable or undermine her biological mum but in your YOUR heart there is no doubt about the love you feel for her. That in your heart you have 3 children that you love equally and nothing will ever change that. You can say that you didn't want to impose on what might be difficult feelings for her, as you love and care for her etc. Perhaps that will give some reassurance for her.

It might also be worth considering, that not everything is always so black and white. And I don't mean this in a malicious way at all, more so in a developmental way. There might be some things you dsd says to bring you back in emotionally, as she feels ashamed, scared of what she has done. It might be that she tries to appeal to what she knows will 'hook you'. Now it sounds like I think she is malicious or manipulative but I am not saying that. Although I AM saying that her behaviour is. This is NOT her fault (OR YOURS). It is a trauma response, really common in people struggling with abandonment and attachment issues. Your posts have reminded me alot about conversations I am having with a family member who has an adopted teen daughter. Her daughter is thriving, she is loved, theirs is a happy and safe home etc. Yet, the girl os experiencing these attachment and abandonment issues and they manifest themselves in various ways. And of course, your dsd would not be conscious of this. She is 12. But she might, in her distress, have tried to provoke a 'see, you don't love me really' response from you, to 'prove' that you feel differently about her than your biological children. Now, I think you could not have handled that any better than you did. You should be unbelievably proud.

I'm sorry if I'm rambling, but your posts have really moved me and they resonate deeply.

More than anything, I want to give you a hug and say I think you and your family sound wonderful. You got this. These years are flipping hard, but 'this too shall pass'.

If you ever want an ear feel free to PM. I am NOT an expert, I'm not a professional. But I'm here.

On your children's relationship with her, my older sister has a different biological father, she's only seen him 3 times between 4 and 44. She has always been my real sister and full sister in every way that matters and always will be. My dad has been in her life since she was 5 and she made the decision in childhood to call him dad. He "gave" her away at her wedding, signed the wedding register in the father box as step parents are now able to do. He never adopted her as her biological father wouldn't agree to it but we have always been a family of 5 and genetics haven't changed it. Sure there have been ups and downs through childhood and teens but we are a close knit family despite being a "blended" family

Identifying the root cause and addressing it is paramount here. I'd sort out some support and counselling for over the holidays. If there's raw and big emotions to be uncovered you want to deal with those when she doesn't have to then also deal with school as well where she has to then contain those emotions. My little sister (not the sister above) became violent at that age due to stress at school. I was the victim and I was told to put up with it because she was having a hard time. It's important that the reason for this outburst doesn't become the excuse for further violence.

at the sleepover did they all have phones and were they monitored well (as in were they out the house or on video calls).

I ask this because if you link the sequence of events;
sleepover and plans to meet
meet up (don’t know details)
dsd conscious of body hair??

who has said something?
were pictures taken with or without consent at the sleepover by other girls/ of each other?
CSE comes to mind but I don’t think it’s that deep although never rule anything out.

Hope you find out.
None of us are saints but you have done amazing.
In relation to step/ half siblings- I used to say to mine that there are no halves in our family we are all whole and the only steps are the ones we walk on.
I asked my dsc if I could count them in my numbers when people asked how many kids I have as I believed this showed them they were one of the gang!

How are things this week OP?

Agreed. Your ability to maintain emotional calm does you credit...unlike some posters on here!

@kewpiedoes Hope all is well with you and your family. My best wishes to you. X