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Original poster

Dsd(12) hit me

778 replies

kewpiedoes · 31/07/2025 18:35

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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Agapornis · 01/08/2025 14:08

You may be able to recover the messages from a WhatsApp backup from before the deletion.

MoodyMargaret11 · 01/08/2025 14:09

MooDengOfThailand · 01/08/2025 10:16

Can't believe the individuals on here who pander to violence, pussy foot around it and offer up treats to the perpetrator.

You're all mad.

Just bonkers.

No wonder people are even less safe on the streets and students rule the roost at schools.

This ^^

Agapornis · 01/08/2025 14:11

I second @Hankunamatata that it may be worth looking into adoption, if that's what you, she and her dad want. It may also reassure her that even if you and her dad should split up, she's still part of your life.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

12 year olds Families
christabellax · 01/08/2025 14:11

Hi Op , that’s a very positive update , albeit how horrible yesterday was for you both. You are so understanding , and your SD must realise that too otherwise would never have confided in you despite her anxieties of yesterday . My dd at that verge of puberty stage could get upset and cry over literally nothing and despite realising that herself she was powerless to stop it . Meanwhile sounds like your sd had valid reasons for feeling rubbish yesterday …. And of course takes it out on the one closest to her. Best of luck to you both , she’s lucky to have you in her life .

TheSandgroper · 01/08/2025 14:11

@kewpiedoes you have done a lovely job in trying circumstances. Your next few years are going to be rough. I remember thinking “I will just be the rock. I will just be the rock” and madam could either cling to me or rage against me. (Sometimes gin helped me).

Added to the good advice you have received, might I suggest getting out of town for a couple of days? Just to break the connection with yesterday? Somewhere that you can go for a good walk - fresh air and a bit of movement will do wonders to her state of mind.

whoopsnomore · 01/08/2025 14:12

EnidSpyton · 01/08/2025 14:04

Well done, OP. You’ve done a fantastic job at handling this so far.

As a teacher, I would say do not contact school or other parents at this stage. Fallings out and nasty comments are common in girls at this age and escalating it into a big thing will only make it worse. They need to learn to navigate these friendship issues themselves as they are going to face this kind of thing repeatedly throughout their school years. Often they are storms in teacups that blow over very quickly.

I am wondering from her behaviour whether she may be autistic. It’s very underdiagnosed in girls as they are so good at masking, and what happened last night is symptomatic of a meltdown where she couldn’t control or manage her emotions anymore. The violence and smashing of things is very common in an autistic meltdown as the overwhelm is just too much to cope with. Her friends turning on her and her dad being away have obviously converged to make her feel very insecure and during the holidays she is out of routine as well, which is another trigger for people with autism.

It could be worth doing some reading up on this. In my far too many years of teaching experience, in girls, autism often starts presenting itself in obvious ways in Year 7 and Year 8, when puberty hits and patterns of behaviour change. Suddenly socialising isn’t about playing anymore and becomes focused on gossip and boys, and lots of girls with autism can’t make that switch in social behaviours and so start feeling excluded, isolated and overwhelmed.

Look after yourself too in all this. She is lucky to have such a lovely stepmum.

Agree with this - the chapter in "Untangled" by Lisa Damour (recommended on here, and rightly so!) cautions parents to differentiate between conflict and bullying, and offers soem great advice on what to say, along the lines of "Is there anything I can do that won't make things worse?" . Hang in there, she will come through it, all the more so because she has you right behind her.

AirborneElephant · 01/08/2025 14:13

Oh poor love. I think you’re dealing with this very well, she’s started to open up which is a really positive step. You can work on a couple of immediate things like body hair and clothes, while making a start on the deeper feelings of abandonment which seem to have been really triggered by this friend bust-up.

amber763 · 01/08/2025 14:15

You sound so so lovely op. I'm so glad it wasn't any of the posters "police" and "she'd be even more upset when I finished with her" caring for the girl. I hope things get better for her.

Lilaclinacre · 01/08/2025 14:17

ButterCrackers · 01/08/2025 14:02

We can only go on what the op has written. She was attacked, she removed her younger kids, she now has some information from her dsd but I’d say to be cautious on the truth and/or completeness of this information. Mental health is the same as physical health - it needs sorting out when needed. It also needs to be kept in good health in the mind the same as for the body. Here there are a lot of red flags and at age 12 there’s a lot for this child to manage. She’s indicated body issues related to clothes fitting and hair. Yes this could be nothing but in the context it’s something to look into deeper. The family relationship issues she’s mentioned these have come out and need addressing. There’s more below the surface for sure and a lot she might not be able to understand at her age. Seriously it all needs assessment and professional mental health support. It’s for the wellbeing of the child and family.

Edited
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No wonder cahms is overwhelmed...

ButterCrackers · 01/08/2025 14:19

Lilaclinacre · 01/08/2025 14:17

No wonder cahms is overwhelmed...

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….Just as the hospitals are for physical ailments. This child’s mental health needs help.

RantzNotBantz · 01/08/2025 14:21

Oh goodness OP, I am so relieved she has spoken to you, and so openly and honestly.

I think puberty / early adolescence is so hard for them. They don’t want to be treated like a child but they are afraid of having to leave the protection of childhood and they don’t know where they fit in as a ‘grown up’.

It may also be that while she is in this awkward transition there are insecurities emerging. Let down by her friends, and who knows what she feels about whatever happened with her birth mum, but whatever it was she had learned that she can be abandoned. So can’t take your love for granted as unconditional.

Of course she is upset that she lashes out at you. And in due course you can have a serious talk about not wanting her to ever be in that situation again because of course, as she knows, physical violence is unacceptable.

But… well done OP. You are a good Mum.

JustSawJohnny · 01/08/2025 14:21

kewpiedoes · 01/08/2025 13:19

She came down eventually, very sorry and upset, she definitely feels terrible and guilty about what happened.

She wasn’t in town with her friends yesterday, she was either uninvited or just didn’t want to go with them anymore because there had been nasty messages towards here on their group chats. So she was just wandering round town on her own for hours trying to avoid where they would be because she was too embarrassed to tell me.

She’s deleted absolutely everything from her phone so I can’t look at what was said and she’s saying she’s doesn’t remember, it was just horrible stuff and they’re not her friends anymore.
How do we deal with this? Obviously summer holidays so can’t phone her school. Do we contact the other parents? If the group messages haven’t been deleted on one of the other girls phones then at least we can find out exactly what was said and how serious.

Added to that none of her clothes she likes fit anymore and she’s upset about body hair. And she’s worried that when her dads away she doesn’t belong here, that I don’t love or care about her and dc aren’t her real siblings. All of which couldn’t be further than the truth but we can definitely work on these feelings together.

Oh that's not the update I was hoping for at all.

Teen friendships can be so difficult, can't they? I do think it would be a good idea to approach the girl's families and put it out there that there is an issue going on.

She is so lucky to have a step-Mum who really does love her, OP.

God, I really want to give both you and her a massive hug.

I really hope a lot of hugs and shopping and some confidence boosting helps to cheer her up.

Imagine how much she's going to mull over this all summer. She's going to be so worried about going back to school.

Bloody kids!! 😭

HiRen · 01/08/2025 14:22

lifeisgoodrightnow · 01/08/2025 13:28

My advice in order of your questions ( I’m 58 and have 4 adult ( now) children 3 girls one boy and a stepson. In addition I had a step parent from a young age growing up.

  1. whatever was said to her she wants to be kept private - I’d respect that for now
  2. I wouldn’t contact other parents unless you a particularly close to one of them - you risk escalation.
  3. get used to the falling in and out of friendships -the next three years at least are turbulent especially for teenage girls
  4. take her shopping for clothes once this has settled down just you and her
  5. point out her younger siblings were removed so you could concentrate on helping and loving her and you are all very much a family. She needs reassurance you love her.
  6. introduce her to whatever hair removal process you both discuss and agree she should be using.

you are doing a fabulous job

Yup, another one supporting this. The only thing I'd do slightly differently is ask her if she wants you to do anything about the rude messages from her friends, and also use this opportunity to talk about phones, social media, generally the use of phones in friendships. It's a skill that has to be learned, just like in the olden days people learned to write letters and postcards.

I'd also be asking her what of all that she's told you that she wants repeated to her dad. 100% her decision.

Finally, as pp, I would STRONGLY encourage friendships outside of school. It's so, so important for children (especially girls, but also boys) to have different circles of friends and relatives: cousins, school friends, neighborhood friends, hobby friends, older relatives. Just as many as possible. It's so important for young people to have different outlets, different people to learn from, different sorts of people to be with.

ohsososo · 01/08/2025 14:22

PrincessJasmine1 · 01/08/2025 13:44

So she has beaten up her stepmum because she's mad with her girlfriends?
And your advice is to reward her and take her shopping?
Wow, I'm speechless...
Taking away her phone and putting some proper parental controls there would be my first move... her dad should do it. If she wasn't in the group chat, she wouldn't have been bullied like this. I don't understand why a 12 year old should have access to all this.

She’s acted completely out of character. This isn’t a bad child being crap. It’s someone who is in a state of high disregulation who has had something bad happen. Who knows what. She’s said one thing but as we know, young people say a lot of things. The girl may have been groomed, raped. Anything. She may be saying all the fight with friend stuff so if the OP calls friends mums they confirm she wasn’t with them. Anything could have happened.
What we do know is a lovely girl has suddenly and unexpectedly lashed out and been highly distressed for hours.

frankly you sound horrendously clueless

Lilaclinacre · 01/08/2025 14:23

ButterCrackers · 01/08/2025 14:19

….Just as the hospitals are for physical ailments. This child’s mental health needs help.

Show quote history

Shes a teenager that fell out with her friends and then hit her stepmother in temper. Thats a spoilt brat not a mentally ill individual. All excuses for poor behaviour and lack of boundaries

ohsososo · 01/08/2025 14:27

MoodyMargaret11 · 01/08/2025 14:09

This ^^

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@MooDengOfThailand

i can’t believe there are such clueless people around.

if an otherwise lovely 12 year old is suddenly and unexpectedly violent and highly distressed, this is a sign of trauma.

she could have been raped or groomed or anything and your approach would be the worst thing possible. Even fatally so.

it’s all in the context. This is a well behaved, lovely 12 year old who has acted completely and suddenly out of character in a massively disregulated manner.

this is a cause for huge concern. Not anger and punishment.

Matronic6 · 01/08/2025 14:28

OneNeatBlueOrca · 01/08/2025 13:50

Hang on. Days out shopping trips new clothes... She beat up her step mother and smashed up her belongings.

I've seen a harsher punishments, doled out for breaking something by accident.

It is not normal for a twelve year old to beat the living daylights out of a parent figure because their friends were mean to them.

What happens the next time she has a fallout with friends, another beating... She ll get a shopping trip and some treats out of it after all.

It's not about doling out a punishment. It's about meeting the child's needs. Obviously what she did was unacceptable but her outburst was a result of already feeling rejected and isolated. A punishment would only reinforce this perception.

If OP had have reacted angrily and punished her she may never have felt able to tell OP what happened. I think she is right to focus on building up the her SDs esteem and self worth and feeling safe and able to speak to her parents about her feelings.

Then next time she is in a similar situation she will know her parents are there for her, love her and are safe space for her to share her feelings.

RantzNotBantz · 01/08/2025 14:28

MoodyMargaret11 · 01/08/2025 14:09

This ^^

Show quote history

Don’t be ridiculous.

NOBODY has said or implied that physical violence is OK.

It’s a matter of how you address it.

Emotional violence isn’t great either. The OP did well to hold on and find out what was going on to cause such distress.

It wasn’t part of a pattern of rudeness, arguing, disobedience.

The OP can address the violence in due course. Without loss of effectiveness of message.

IzzyHandsIsMySpiritAnimal · 01/08/2025 14:30

MooDengOfThailand · 01/08/2025 10:16

Can't believe the individuals on here who pander to violence, pussy foot around it and offer up treats to the perpetrator.

You're all mad.

Just bonkers.

No wonder people are even less safe on the streets and students rule the roost at schools.

And I can't believe the amount of people with absolutely no shred of emotional intelligence, compassion or understanding.
This was a one off incident
It is out of character

Approaching the matter with kindness will allow the child to open up to OP to get a picture of what the actual issue was.

If OP had said that her SD had been shoplifting, smoking, and beating up old ladies then I'd be with you, to a degree.

loulouljh · 01/08/2025 14:32

Poor kid. No excuse for such behaviour but feelings are big at that age.

YourJoyousDenimExpert · 01/08/2025 14:33

You have handled this all so well 💐
So pleased she has opened up a little bit and so there is a route forwards - if still very complex. It sounds like a lot for her to cope with all at once and she just got overwhelmed. Children sometimes lash out at those they feel
most secure with - and maybe this is what has happened.
Hope things get better and well done for caring so much and trusting your instincts x

Nevereatcardboard · 01/08/2025 14:35

You’ve handled this very well and I hope that you and DSD are both ok.

I think it could be helpful for your SD to have some counselling which includes anger management. The way she lashed out isn’t acceptable, especially with much younger siblings in the family.

OffToSeaInABlizzard · 01/08/2025 14:40

I’m assuming details have been changed so the OP’s SD isn’t recognisable to their wider circle?

andweallsingalong · 01/08/2025 14:42

That's so sad, but also pretty awesome that she loves and trusts you enough to open up and let you support her.

I would give lots of hugs, snuggles, movies and love for now. Thinking how to fix things can wait until she's stronger. It's the school holidays so she can take a break from her ex friends and feel loved and rebuild.

Tillow4ever · 01/08/2025 14:43

Your update only strengthens the positive opinion I have of you OP, and sadly a few of the responses have made me worry about children in other posters lives.

i don’t have daughters, but if I did, I think this is what I would do.

  1. Thank her for confiding in me and asking her if there is a specific action she would like me to take regarding the bullying
  2. As a punishment for her violence, I would take her phone away for the weekend as a minimum - it can be earned back with respectful behaviour, but not earlier than Monday. This will also enable you and her dad to monitor any other messages that come in.
  3. I would take her shopping this weekend and use it as an opportunity to strengthen your bond and talk about the perils of being a teenage girl. Reiterate that she can come to you about anything that’s bothering her. Make it clear that the clothes are not a reward, they are because she needs new clothes as she has outgrown her current ones.
  4. Discuss hair removal options and help her decide if that’s the route she wants to go down. Remind her there’s nothing wrong with her and that it’s natural to have hair. But if she chooses to remove it you won’t judge as many women choose this.
  5. Look at some counselling services for teenagers. It might be helpful for her to be able to speak to someone about everything going on with her. I’d be tempted to make the shopping trip conditional on a minimum number of sessions (your choice how many) to help her channel her anger and embarrassment into non violent coping mechanisms.
  6. Have a family evening over the weekend - family film, snacks, etc to make sure she knows she is as much a part of the family as the younger kids are.

You seem to have good instincts though - trust them!