Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Bloody hell, some of the people commenting on this thread shouldn't be anywhere near children. Advocating for violently assaulting them and seemingly not having an ounce of emotional intelligence or interest in a child's wellbeing and safety. Having a parent like that must be like growing up in the sodding wild west. No guidance, support or basic concern for their safety, just the threat of violence if they don't behave. And they think we're the ones churning out kids who don't know how to be healthy adults in society...

OP you are doing the right things. Showing her you care, gently restraining if needed, giving her space. She is a child and you are showing her boundaries and support. She will talk to you. Something must have happened or she is having some kind of MH issue. Hats off to you for your approach.

I hope you both manage to talk today. She's obviously a very distressed little girl. Some of the responses on here are astonishing and really highlight while we're in the middle of a mental health crisis. Suggesting someone phone the police on a child who has never been any problem whatsoever previously. It's absolutely beyond ridiculous and those suggesting the OP gets somebody to come and remove her from the house when she's clearly the only mother she's ever had.

Another one here, reading your posts and thinking what a fantastic job you are doing. She is very lucky to have you in her life. I hope things settle today enough for her to share whats going on.

Hope she's talking - can you contact any of her friend's mums to see if there's been anything happening? x with support

@Lavender14

no, someone said Op should make her favourite meal for her and give her ice cream - I think that’s what that poster was referring to. It is stupid advice tbf.

She came down eventually, very sorry and upset, she definitely feels terrible and guilty about what happened.

She wasn’t in town with her friends yesterday, she was either uninvited or just didn’t want to go with them anymore because there had been nasty messages towards here on their group chats. So she was just wandering round town on her own for hours trying to avoid where they would be because she was too embarrassed to tell me.

She’s deleted absolutely everything from her phone so I can’t look at what was said and she’s saying she’s doesn’t remember, it was just horrible stuff and they’re not her friends anymore.
How do we deal with this? Obviously summer holidays so can’t phone her school. Do we contact the other parents? If the group messages haven’t been deleted on one of the other girls phones then at least we can find out exactly what was said and how serious.

Added to that none of her clothes she likes fit anymore and she’s upset about body hair. And she’s worried that when her dads away she doesn’t belong here, that I don’t love or care about her and dc aren’t her real siblings. All of which couldn’t be further than the truth but we can definitely work on these feelings together.

You sound a lovely step mum and role model for her xx

I think that the way you handle things last night OP will have shown her how much you care about her. Well done for being a real parent to her when she needed you- and God help the children of some of the posters on here.

That is really good that she has opened up to you, you are doing a fantastic job. I hope you can sort things out for her

I hope today is a better day for you both, OP. My daughter was bullied terribly at school and her behaviour dropped off a cliff, seemingly out of nowhere and for no good reason. We had no idea it was going on and nor did her teachers, it was all online. You are taking the right approach, I am horrified at some of the responses you have been getting. She is lucky to have you as a step mum.

ETS: I have just seen your update. Puberty is really hammering her, poor little thing. I would talk to the school first about the bullying, they might be able to guide you better and any approach to other parents would be better coming from them.

What a kind and lovely Mum you are OP.

My advice in order of your questions ( I’m 58 and have 4 adult ( now) children 3 girls one boy and a stepson. In addition I had a step parent from a young age growing up.

1. whatever was said to her she wants to be kept private - I’d respect that for now
2. I wouldn’t contact other parents unless you a particularly close to one of them - you risk escalation.
3. get used to the falling in and out of friendships -the next three years at least are turbulent especially for teenage girls
4. take her shopping for clothes once this has settled down just you and her
5. point out her younger siblings were removed so you could concentrate on helping and loving her and you are all very much a family. She needs reassurance you love her.
6. introduce her to whatever hair removal process you both discuss and agree she should be using.

you are doing a fabulous job

Oh op thats heartbreaking for her. You sound like an ace mum figure.

Hopefully someone can give you advice about the phone

Clothes are awful for 12 year old grill who have a shape. Teen sizes dont fit and adult sizing some just refuse to wear which can lead to so much upset

I was super darked haired and so conscious of my eyebrows, facial hair and leg hair.

Have you ever had chats with dh around adopting dsd? Best friends husband adopted her older son at his request as the son then said made him feel the same as his half siblings

@kewpiedoes You are so lovely. I think all your actions will tell her how much you love and care for her.

Is it possible for you to have a day just you and her shopping? I think she would really appreciate that.

Hugs to you both x

This xxx

Poor girl. You sound like a really kind step mum and are obviously doing a great job as she has opened up to you. Her dad definitely needs to step in to once he is back. It would be surprising if she didn't have those feelings of rejection, given that her biological mother has rejected her. About the phone messages, I would ask her to try to remember what was said and write as much of it down as possible. It might be useful if the bullying does continue. Do you know the other parents well? If so, you could make contact. If not, I would probably just work on reassuring your step daughter for now and working on her resilience.

Oh poor girl, that made me teary. I'm so glad she has you in her corner.
Could you take her to buy new clothes? If you think that wouldn't be a reward for her behaviour. I don't know what to do about her ex friends.

Oh bless her. Poor thing. Lots of TLC. Lots of reassurance.

It’s good that she acknowledges how bad it was and is apologetic and it’s really good she opened up to you.

Yes, this. A lovely shopping day, just the two of you. Maybe consider going to a different town so she doesn't run into anybody she knows, just this once? You are doing a wonderful job being her de facto mother. I have some idea of the potential difficulties of step parenthood, my eldest is not my husband's daughter but she (and he) don't even think about the biology of it. He walked her up the aisle, he is Grandpa to her DCs and all she wanted for her 5th birthday was to change her surname to his which was easy to arrange as we are in Scotland. I shed a few happy tears that day!
You keep on doing what you are doing, you are a wonderful, thoughtful parent.

Just want to say what a great mum you sound and I hope to be the same as you as my kids grow up :)

Bless her. Maybe you could have a shopping trip while the little ones are still with your sis? Might cheer her up, make her feel special, and would help with the clothes not fitting issue!

I am sure there will be other posters that pipe up about this rewarding bad behaviour, but based on everything you’ve told us, it sounds like an isolated incident to me borne out of surging hormones, shame, embarrassment and upset - not malice or temper.

She needed compassion (not punishment), and that’s what you have shown her. I think the fact that she felt contrite and able to talk to you this morning speaks volumes!

She needs mental health assessment. The violence happened because the op was there - the story about wandering around town alone and all messages deleted I would say to watch out for controlling behaviour around a situation you don’t know about yet. It might be the truth but it might not be. Watch out and keep your safety in mind. Her thoughts that she has shared do link to possible self harm. Please act to get her to a doctor and if this isn’t possible because you are not a legal guardian you need her father and biological mother to step up here. Family therapy would be an idea - but the child needs mental health care first.

This thread has made me so emotional! What a great step mum you are. As step mums we have to tread such a careful line, particularly during the teenage years and some of the early advice you got here was so bad… just wanted to hop on and commend you for recognising what was needed was love and patience, understanding and looking beyond her behaviour to find the problem. She needs to be able to trust you and to be safe at home, and it sounds like she’s got you in her corner. Well done OP. 👌

Don’t be ridiculous