Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

Just something to be aware of - I don’t know what’s happened with her mother but the breakdown in that connection is likely to impact her as she starts to mature. Despite you being an amazing mother to her, she doesn’t have any relationship with her biological mother, whatever the reason, and that can lead to emotional struggle.
Make sure you get counselling for her if you see any hint of this.
But keep doing what you’re doing as you’re doing brilliantly.

Agree, she is big and strong enough to do serious harm to the little ones. Ideally her dad or other family should remove her from the home.

Her dad is 12+ hours away, her step Mum is family and it sounds like there isn't anyone else so what do you expect them to do? Removing the young children who did have an auntie to go to sounds like it was the best option in this case.

How is she OP? i really hope she's doing better and you find out what's going on, poor kid. Also hope your ok?

Op, you are such a kind and lovely person. I hope your dh apologised to you for receiving the hitting from his dd. I know you said she was always lovely and she is distressed. But despite all that, you also deserve some caring. It’s hard when you are a loving and kind person and expected to be at your best behaviour all the time. So I hope your dh showed appreciation towards you when you both talked.

You sound like a loving and compassionate step mum. I hope she confides in you soon about what triggered this out of character behaviour. Ignore the hard nosed responses. A lot of those eejits haven’t even read your posts properly judging by some of the ridiculous inaccuracies and assumptions.

How ludicrous, someone mentioning Reform voters. Dear, oh dear......

This is where we are as a society now. Before making any decisions you recommend that a step parent/parent absolves herself of all responsibility as a parent and asks the police to come. What would you want them to do PP?

I do not believe OP will want to do this as I get the impression she cares and wants to do the best for the child.

Police would not arrest the child unless someone was in immediate danger. All the police would do is teach OP how to parent which I’m sure she already knows how to do.

No wonder the police don’t turn up when there is a real emergency as they’re dealing with lazy parents (fools) like you OneNeat

Hope things are more settled today.

My youngest, now nearly 30, would sometimes behave in this way - always out of character. She was later diagnosed with PMDD. Wish I'd have known that when she was 12.

This

she has crossed a boundary . A legal one too. You must send a clear message to her and her dad that it will be first and last time she abuses you.

kids make mistakes. They don’t have fully developed inhibitions yet. But this needs dealing with urgently.

anything you do is going to be wrong. You need her dad to step up urgently. Now. He must deal with daughter and say she doesn’t get to calm down by locking herself in her room and continuing to shout at you. She has to talk to him and sort this out.

I worked in a very busy and high responsisiblty job. This is one of those occasional a parent must leave work and deal with it. Sure, he might not need to come home, but he needs a video call with daughter and deal with this immeidately. Ram home how significant it is to daughter that dad has had to step out of work to deal with it.

do not wait for her to calm down or this evenings scheduled call to raise it. You are simply “normalising” and saying it was merely a difficult day. It isn’t a difficult day. She has stepped across a boundary, into illegal behaviour. If you normalise it will happen again and again. She can’t regulate her emotions. She’s now in a corner as she knows she should not have hit you, but will be unable to back down and will seek to blame you to justify her feelings of guilt and probably fear of what she did

call husband now. Tell him to step out of work and deal with it now.

if he doesn’t, then you have your answer as to why daughter felt the need to hit you.

@Limehawkmoth your entire post is a waste of time because you haven’t stopped to read the thread first …

She's so damn lucky she has you Op. Something has obviously happened to set this off and it's likely you got the brunt of it being her safe space (which is not totally acceptable but can be dealt with once you get to the bottom of the outburst). I hope you manage to have a better day with her today and manage to talk.

Offer up treats like food and water? Do you consider food and water luxuries for your child?

Noone is pandering to violence, they're saying its important to understand what the reasons behind such out of character behaviour are incase this child is unsafe or has been harmed in some way? Do you not see the value in that? Hurt people hurt people.

You are doing a great job. Poor little thing, something has obviously happened with her. Great that her dad is coming home tomorrow. You’ve got this OP and you’re doing everything right ♥️

I also think you are doing everything right. I have 12 year old girl twins and the moods and rudeness have definitely kicked in, also not wanting to spend time with anyone other than friends. Hopefully you will get some kind of explanation although she may not know herself. Maybe she feels outside the family unit in some way. Can totally sympathise with your shock though.

“Ramming home” messages to a child who is this deregulated is like trying to fill up a bucket without a bottom - you’ll waste a lot of water and end up frustrated.

The OP is dealing with this situation brilliantly- and, had you bothered to read the OP’s updates, she’s already on it getting dad back.

I just wanted to say that you sound wonderful. She’s lucky to have you. I hope you can get to the bottom of it.

But do you have parental responsibility? There’s a special form for step parents to fill in to give them PR, alongside the birth parents. I would be massively concerned that you are left with sole care of dsd with no legal backing. Mother uncontactable, dad abroad, you have the legal rights of a next door neighbour babysitter.

You’re a good mum OP and I also am glad that you’re with her and not some of the other posters.

when she was screaming, what was she actually saying?

You have to be really, really hard of understanding to not see the difference between an out of control child who has a history of violence and is at risk of becoming a violent offender....and a lovely, usually gentle 12 year old girl who left the house happy and has come home a few hours later extremely distressed and attacking her SM for the first time.

Wanting to understand and address the (potential extremely serious) reason why this child is behaving so abnormally is not pandering or pussy footing. It's good parenting and basic common sense and decency. OP first and foremost wants to understand what the hell has happened to the child and whether she is hurt.

I agree x

Except, she hasn't done a single thing to suggest that she would harm her stepsiblings.

OP did absolutely the right thing by sending them off for a fun sleepover with Aunty. She has protected them from the trauma of having to witness their older stepsibling's distress and she has created the right conditions for her to focus on supporting her dsd without distraction.

OP is not normalising violence or putting anyone in further danger. DSD has shown no sign ofwanting to repeat yesterday's violence, if anything it seems like it has upset more.

You are doing great, OP.

I hope DP is soon home to support you and that dsd finds the courage to talk about why she blew up yesterday so that you can find a solution together and your other dcs can come home to a calmer household.

Wishing you and your family all the best.

Lots of police officer aren't trained in de-esclation of vulnerable people, that's why many people advocate for them not to be the response to mental health calls because they aren't trained in that. She's 12 not a violent offender trying to kill someone, so no the police are not the best responders. Plus they won't do anything, she's been calm for a while, nobody is injuried, they won't do anything, just talk to her perhaps. They don't arrest her either. Yes technically 10 is the age of criminal responsibility (many people advocate it should be higher), but they try to mitigate things and get them help - youth offending teams, social workers, they try not to criminalise for as long as possible so they won't. Even if she did that to someone else, likely at school, they'd deal with it within the school unless it was very severe.

Plus involvement with the police, very rarely helps anyone off a path of criminality. What does are the other services, substance abuse, social workers, early help.

So your sister learned to not hit people who are bigger than her. Cool.

This is the most unintelligent "parenting advice" I've seen in ages on MN.

Something is wrong. You're a safe person, so you got the brunt of it. Out of character behaviour is communicating something she can't carry alone anymore.

Why does she have to leave her bedroom door open at night? You get more time in a fire when the doors shut.