Dsd(12) hit me

[kewpiedoes]

DSD (12) is here full time so I’ve posted in parenting rather than step parenting.

Our relationship has always been really good, she’s a lovely girl and has never had behaviour problems or trouble in school. Since starting puberty and secondary school she has been more moody and difficult though.

Dh is away on a work trip, which isn’t unusual but she’s maybe been extra sulky since school finished / he went away.

She was into town with friends today, just put her headphones on in the car on the way there and back and refused to look or talk to me. Got home and I asked her if she had a nice time, what she wanted for dinner, what was wrong etc which she kept ignoring and then she completely lost it. Screamed and chucked a statue we have smashing it and as I went towards her grabbed me and started scratching and hitting me, kept going harder so I had to physically stop her, push her into the hall and then lock the door on her.

I have two little dc who my I got my sister to come and collect (though I don’t believe she would have hurt them) and she’s now in her room crying, I attempted to knock and she screamed at me to leave her alone.

Can this still be within normal behaviour at her age? How do I handle this?
I haven’t yet spoken to dh and although he would want to come home it would be difficult for him and even so he’s 12+ hours away.

If she won’t talk to you, she might be feeling overwhelming shame about something. It could be that she feels at least slightly responsible for whatever had happened to upset her. It could be that whatever is happening with her friends has triggered a huge shame reaction - feeling humiliated, ostracised. Poor kid.

I started my periods at 14 and then started to get really bad PMT. I remember having some screaming rows with my parents and a particularly bad one with my mum where I threw my transistor radio at the wall (I am old!). My mum was shocked but once we had both calmed down (and I thought she would be furious) she asked was I due my period and of course I was. I wonder could it be hormonal with your SD. It’s definitely worth thinking about out.

My PMT got worse as I got older. Evening primrose oil helped for a while. Then in my 30s I had acupuncture and it was amazing.

This.

So glad you both got some much needed sleep.

All this talk of GPs, psychiatrists, and enforcing boundaries with disciplinary consequences can wait.

As PP said, some normalcy, maybe a creative/active activity that she can join in with (baking, painting, clay, yoga or even just a film she loves) for a bit of togetherness and a reset.

You can allay her fears by telling her that you absolutely love her and that you know you can forgive what happened yesterday because you could see how upset she was and you want to help, whenever she's ready.

Hopefully, she'll be able to talk things through with you or her Dad at some point today.

If she doesn't feel like she can, remind her that Childline is an option, as talking to someone unconnected can sometimes help to loose the floodgates. While she may feel too embarrassed or ashamed to talk to family initially, finding the words with a trained counsellor first can really help.

One thing I would advise against is another unsupervised visit into town until you get to the bottom of this. This isn't a punishment but until you know what provoked yesterday's violence, I do feel that it could be a safeguarding issue. At the extreme, of course I fear grooming and possible sexual abuse but it could equally just be plain old tween bullying, boyfriend troubles or just hormones. Either way, what happens next depends on finding out why she blew up yesterday.

After that, you will know whether a visit to her GP is required or whether something happened that needs reporting to the police.

Only when your way forward is clear can you think about discussing consequences for her behaviour, like missing a trip into town or losing the use of one of her devices for a day or so. Hopefully, by then she will have apologised profusely and willingly agreed to an appropriate consequence.

You are doing great OP. Please come back and tell us how you go.

So many of us are wishing you and your family well.

Can't believe the individuals on here who pander to violence, pussy foot around it and offer up treats to the perpetrator.

You're all mad.

Just bonkers.

No wonder people are even less safe on the streets and students rule the roost at schools.

Do you know any of her friends OP? Can you contact her closest friend and see if she knows anything.

It does sound like there may be bullying or bitchiness going on in the friendship group.

You're doing a great job, it sounds like you're a lovely parent to her and have a great relationship. I think children can feel able to let their feelings out the most the person they feel safest, sometimes those feelings can be pretty intense.

12 is a funny age, young enough to still be completely overwhelmed by feelings, old enough to not always let an adult help you regulate anymore and to realise adults can't fix everything.

Maybe something terrible has happened, but maybe it's just teenage level terrible and it's an over-reaction. You can't know that yet, try not to worry too much about awful scenarios.

It's hard to know if she's locking herself away still because of how she feels about whatever originally went wrong, or because she feels ashamed and can't face up to what she did to you when she got home. If she's not usually like this, the latter probably plays a part in her locking herself away.

A note under the door saying you're not going to pressurise her to talk, you think she'd feel better for some food and a shower when she's ready and you don't have to discuss anything at all until she feels better, might be the way to get her out.

Above all else, if you're in-crisis, you need someone who appears calm and in-control.

A way to move it forward from the current position would be good. She sounds paralysed at the moment.

When we're stuck in an awful place the most helpful thing can be for someone to show us the first step down to de-escalate. You can deal with everything else (1. What the issue is which caused it; 2. Consequences to the behaviour when she got home), after she's able to calm down a bit.

So the first step is to get her out of the room and feeling a bit more human. Don't ask any questions about what happened or how she is, or ask anything from her. Just re-humanise and meet basic needs (food, shower, clean clothes). The rest can come in small steps after that. It would be good if her Dad can come and support you, but you need to be on the same page and calm.

Step-parents absolutely can parent. I've known some excellent step-parents who have great relationships. You sound like you're doing a great job in a really hard situation and it's great to see you put your step-daughters welfare on the same level as your own children. Your post on evaluating the needs of your kids as being one who is in crisis and the other two being completely fine is exactly that, you're treating them as equally loved and cared for.

Keep at it, you're doing great. I'm the birth-parent of my children and I'd be finding this just as hard as you. We all rely on the strength of our relationships when we need our kids to talk to us. It sounds like you've many years of good relationship to draw on.

I am very late on this so have just read your replies. You are obviously her mother in all the ways that count so I think people got confused when you said SD as it implied there were two other parents involved.

Just from me... my mental health started diving around this age and I was very, very angry. Would lash out at everyone and everything. To be honest my parents tried so hard to help me but mostly I just needed the space to calm down and work it out - space it sounds like you gave her which is lovely. You sound so caring and your focus is absolutely in the right place.

Since this came out of nowhere, I'd be more worried as unfortunately this sort of thing was very much in character for me for years (I did calm down eventually!). So personally I'd focus on caring for her physically and see if she opens up. Leaving food for her is great, being present but not hovering, reminding her that you are absolutely staying with her and your 100% focus is on her. I think it's wonderful that you have someone to look after your wee ones so you aren't distracted and she will see that you are there for her.

Is there something you like to do together that might help refocus her? I couldn't just sit and talk to my mom but if we baked together I would sometimes tell her things. My own 12 year old daughter and I will craft together and she'll talk to me. Something about not having to look at the other person can really help. So maybe something really low pressure like that - get out some beads or cookie cutters or nail polish or something. And yes - keep her off her phone in case there's something there that she might be worried about.

I really really wouldn’t push her to explain. It just may not be available to her. You and her dad need to get on the same page with this. It’s really normal to want to fix things, but fixing does not start with finding out. Make sure you talk to dh before he arrives back. Otherwise you are risking a situation in which everything escalates again when he comes bsck.

You are doing the right things. Very hard for you to understand the distress your 12 year old is experiencing and very important imo to keep a close eye on her. I am reminded of when my own daughter cried so desperately I thought something like a rape had happened on her night out. What had happened was friend related. So tell her whatever happened you are there for her. You sound like a loving caring mum and stepmum.

Something very serious (or at least to her) seems to have happened. She is a child and needs TLC not reporting to the police. I'd never post on here for advice, there are too many absolute fucking nutters.

Yeah I scared my mum like that once too as a teenager. My purse had been nicked from somewhere I thought was a safe space. Hardly anything had been taken but I felt betrayed.

Bull shit

I'm a step parent, DSD (now 25) moved in with us at 12 and never returned to her mothers

It ABSOLUTELY WAS my job to parent her and for you to suggest otherwise makes it obvious you haven't had to parent a step child. It's woefully naïve to think that only the dad would "parent" in these types of situations

@kewpiedoes I sympathise, and I sincerely hope you are all ok and that you get to the bottom of whatever is going on with her

Jesus christ some of these responses are revolting.

something has caused this poor kid to be horribly distressed which is completely out of character as according to the op she's never behaved like this before and instead of compassion and concern that something has happened to this child, she's to have the police rung, be chucked out, etc.

Op I hope you are able to get to the bottom of why she is so distressed and you can help her.

And thank you for being a normal person because fucking hell

This is all a bit extreme. Dsd has not shown any signs of self harm or being a danger to her step siblings, so you can hold off with the unknown MH professionals.

I know from experience that attending a MH appointment can be extremely distressing for a child and their parents and in this case it may not be needed.

As others have said, if OP can create some normalcy, demonstrate loving kindness, forgiveness and understanding, there is still plenty of time for her dsd to open up so that they can find a solution as a family.

There's plenty of time to involve professionals, if need be, but we are not there yet.

As another PP said, 'First seek to understand...'

Wishing you and your family all the best, OP.

I'm glad you told her you love her. DD2 was having bad school avoidance at 12 and obviously we were upset and frustrated with her at first and tried to force her into school, as we thought that's what you should do - and that's what the school told us to do. She thought we hated her because she knew she was being a pain but couldn't do anything about it. It's still a stab in the heart when I think about it. She's 16 now and doing much better. 12 is a very confusing age.

Do not call the police. She is 12, she’s obviously really upset about something and lashing out. She needs to calm down before you speak to her, let her calm down and calmly tell her that you are there if she wants to talk, that you are not angry with her but concerned as to why she’s so angry/upset.

Siblings removed and violence are the big red flags here. Violence to self? I don’t know but if this was my child I’d be getting all angles checked. Mental health crisis can happen and needs medical care and support. Understanding is in the care to the needs of the child. Hopefully all is ok but I’d get this checked today. In self harm/other mental health there is control of others - it’s happening here. It’s tough for sure but it’s better to be safe than sorry. As a stepchild the legal guardian will need to be involved. I assume it’s just the father but the mother too might have parenting rights? I assume that the op isn’t the legal guardian.

I'm of the viewpoint that if a child who is old enough to know that hitting isn't the answer- knows they're going to get hit back harder than they've hit in the first place, they're not likely to do it.
I have however seen kids of 12 start hitting their parents. My sister was one of those kids. At 12 started going off the rails, by 14-15 it wasn't irregular for her to kick our mother down the stairs. Violence against mum became a weekly thing and actually that helped no one, because she was of the viewpoint she was a kid, that same entitlement to act that way spilled out into the community. Taxi drivers, teachers, friends, until she got hit back by someone. Then her behaviour changed. She knew there was. Likelihood that she wasn't just going to hit someone and face no consequences.

There's no reason for violence in the first place- and I wouldn't reccommend ever hitting a child until they're being violent with you. I probably wouldn't have the same viewpoint if I hadn't seen violence escalate so massively from a child in my own family the way it had.

You sound like a lovely stepmum OP. I hope DSD is feeling more herself today and that she talks to you.

I’ve only just read your thread OP, and first off I want to say I think you are handing a tough situation very well. For today, could you ask her if she’d go for a walk with you? Then just go, get some fresh air. You don’t have to say anything, just let her feel comfortable walking in silence beside you and maybe once out of the house she will feel able to open up? Might sound stupid, but are there some ducks you can go and feed - something to do that doesn’t require any thinking but may relax her?

Once you get to the bottom of it, you can then address the behaviour. If it turns out something serious has happened, I’d not give a punishment for it but I would make it clear it was never acceptable & wouldn’t be tolerated again. If it’s more hormonal/teenage angst then there would be a punishment, but I’d involve her in agreeing a punishment that you both felt was fair - my experience has always been that the kid tends to suggest something far tougher than you would choose, thus giving you the space to show a little leniency and kindness by going less hard - always making it clear that a repeat offence will be dealt with quite differently.

I do hope you can get to the bottom of it because that’s the only way you’ll be able to all move past it. Good luck.

I can’t believe people are so harsh on a pre-teen who has never before shown evidence of such behaviour, and think it’s not up to the OP to parent her. The OP is the only mother this child has.

You sound like such a lovely caring stepmother. She's very lucky to have you especially since she's not had any contact with her Mum.

I hope she calms down and manages to open up. Obviously her behaviour isn't okay but somethings happened and she's got herself into a state.

Another one who thinks you did exactly the right thing. If this is so out of character for her, then there must be something behind it that triggered it. It may even just be a stupid comment from someone in town - something that seems ‘harmless’ but means something to her. My 20yr old dd was reduced to tears by comments from some random bloke about her scars last week. At your dsd age, something like that can be so upsetting.
Hopefully after some sleep she will be calmer and more able to explain what is going on. For a one off incident involving the police etc would be overkill. If it were repeated, that would be different.
Keep her close, keep her safe, you are doing great ❤️

I rest my case.

looks like there are a lot of Reform voters on this thread...

@kewpiedoes you have handled this brilliantly, well done. I hope your DSD is OK and you finally get to the bottom of what has caused this.