Social services referral- panicked

[Panicpanicpanicpanik]

I had a call late afternoon yesterday from social services saying they’d received a call from a concerned neighbour.

They were very empathetic and loosely highlighted the concerns that the neighbours had. All four are beyond false

1. the children barely leave the house and don’t go on holiday. Well firstly surely not going on holiday isn’t grounds for intervention?! But we also literally just got back from one. The children (4 and 6) go to school, so that’s leaving the house. They also have 2 hobbies on the weekend they go to as a minimum. How many hobbies do young children need? They’re starting rainbows and squirrels next academic year too. We were careful to not overwhelm them. We also go to parks, cheap days out, more expensive days out et. But there are times we have to stay in, illness, behind with house chores (but with housework days they still go out or play in the garden etc)

2. the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food. I don’t even know how a neighbour would know what they’re being fed. But I batch cook and maybe once a month maybe twice we have a McDonald’s.

3. tatty, unclean clothes. They’re always weather appropriate. Sure they might make mess on their clothes out and about but that’s life and they’re always clean

4. they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. The toys are kept in a storage cupboard as to not clutter the living room and taken out on rotation and when we finish we tidy and put away.

5. they also said they hear squabbling a lot, which my kids too argue and can’t really be left unattended without them arguing over something because they like the same thing and just pester each other. But surely this is somewhat normal?

as to my clue who has said this. Well we were temporarily friendly with a couple in their late 40s until they found out we’d ’taken their baby name’ for the son they never had. It had taken a while for them to find out as they’d only recently moved in and we’d been calling our son by a nickname that didn’t really bare resemblance to his actual name. Ever since they found out his name, which I’d assumed they’d known as it wasn’t a big secret, the vibe changed. They made a few funny comments, about how it’s unfair people get to have kids and they didn’t, implying people like us, and how unfair it was they had no toys. Then it came out about the name and how we took it from them and they couldn’t be friends with us anymore but would be civil. Fine. It was getting weird.

since they’ve blanked us when they’ve seen us so hardly civil but now this.

what do I do?
im overthinking and worried that making accusations now might look like mudslinging and make us look like we have something to hide?
also the things were reported for are BS right? I feel like I’m doubting myself

help

thanks for reading :)

Do you have a positive relationship with the school op?

You are catastrophising!!

If Dc were taken away from parents because they did not go on holiday and wore Asda school uniform there would be a very large number of children in care …

Let them see your home, fridge etc. All will be fine. A friend of mine had a malicious referral - the social worker handled it very well. She was satisfied that the DC were loved and well cared for and home was safe. End of case.

So so, not really dealt too much with them tbh.

early years centre im probably one of ‘those’ parents they used to sent the kids home for erroneous reasons like nose bleed from picking their nose, and there instances of being left in a nappy too long, and tbh the site manager was quite combative about it so I’m probably not popular there

That's unusual imo. I had a report ( think it was an overzealous neighbour rather than malicious) and answered the concerns on the phone and that was that.

but that’s early years
they’re now in school, is your relationship with their school positive?

It’s part of the same trust and my youngest still comes under Early years.

with the school itself, it’s neutral our interactions are limited. My eldest does well so parents eve and the rewards assemblies are they only interaction I have

I don’t know maybe it was the whole have no toys or decent clothes? Could easily lie about that? I don’t know, I’ve not heard anything today though

I just don't understand why someone would make these baseless accusations about your parenting. And that SS would call you and list the things someone accused you of. With no knowledge of whether there's a shred of evidence to back any of it up? It all seems awful. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I am sure if you've not neglected them then you've absolutely nothing to worry about. Other than the fact someone seems desperate to paint you as an appalling and inadequate parent.

How could anyone know what food they eat, what activities they do, what their home life is like in general? Unless it's a family member or friend who knows you and the kids closely. But then chooses to tell horrible lies. That in itself is very concerning.

thats where I’m at and the accusations well they don’t go on holiday and wear cheapy tatty clothes, well what’s the basis of this? Would they have been pressed on this?

i understand how some neighbours could have credible concerns, drunken behaviour, children screaming for help but not going on enough days out, like what is the barometer for this?

were they pressed on how they know my children aren’t fed properly? When they are neighbours we have no contact with

I'm a social worker and if someone turned up at my house and asked me to show them where my children's knickers and socks were I'd fail that one.

They have clean ones every day but it's a scrabble in the never ending clean laundry basket most mornings.

Social workers are humans too!

Have you had a major falling out with the people you believe accused you? Do you know for certain who it was? I'm presuming not unless they admitted it to you. It just seems like a targeted vendetta?

Gosh they sound like very vindictive people to do that. They are obviously extremely unhinged. Lucky that they don't have any dc themselves as it would be a toxic environment. That's extremely stressful for you, I hope it is all dealt with quickly. You will be fine. In the long term do you think it's possible to move away from them? Not that you should have to but to get away from them might benefit you all.

Yeah we had a falling out, I’ve explained up thread.

we know a few other neighbours but our kids all play together and they know full well where we go on holiday, as chit chat, same with school uniform and clothes (we share sales links) days out (share all this stuff in a group chat) and have with fussy eating hacks and stuff, so it would be pretty twisted for people speak to and a very friendly with and know they are kids are fed, have hobbies, go away on holidays to randomly call up and pretend they don’t.

plus the neighbours I think it was did make a comment about our ‘poor kids’ with no toys… I did point out at that moment we kept them in the cupboard but point is that I’d heard that before from them

Op you’re zoning in on fact that the accusations included reference to not going on holiday and lack of toys, whereas I imagine these are very secondary concerns to:

the children barely leave the house
the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food

and re they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. , so the neighbour your suspect, has obviously been over to your house?

in your shoes, I’d have picked up phone to school and shared with them all that had happened and because I get on very well with my kids schools and no issues or even remotely a whiff of an issue in many years…. I know the school would be nothing but empathetic and supportive. I’d tell the school so then not a surprise when SS contact them.

However, I get the impression you maybe don’t have this kind of positive relationship with your children’s school?

What is their absence rate at school?

You know the neighbour is bats and you know that you look after your children. And you presumably agree with safeguarding of children so you understand that a report needs to be investigated.

As an aside, yes, the adults at school will know lots about the home lives of pupils. We don’t all sit in silence. Children talk about what they do at home all of the time.

Bit of a dig there at the end, nice.

im not sure my eldest’s attendance rate, we’ve never been told. She missed 3 days ill and had one authorised absence.

they go to a very large school, its not a place that you could just have a word with the heads. Plus I’ve never met the woman, I also find it tremendously embarrassing.

but the sheer fact that the kids are at school during the week is surely an indication they do in fact leave the house.

also what’s the basis of the no food allegations, we get an Ocado delivery every week they’d be able to see that but as we no longer talk how would they know what the kids eat? I hope they were asked this.

yes they’ve been to the house years ago.

We looked at moving, upsizing but without giving too much about our circumstances away, what we’d need to move to a larger house with rates as they are doesn’t seem a prudent move atm

Bit of a dig there at the end, nice.

how bizarre. You have the impression it wasn’t very positive. Perhaps revisit your post about your relationship with the school

yes they’ve been to the house years ago.

the neighbour who you think reported have been in your house years ago? How old were the children at that point?

Are these immediate neighbours?

Maybe you could ask to have a quick chat with your children’s teacher to explain what happened as they will likely be consulted anyway by SS?

I said my relationship with the school was neutral

They were last here 18 months- 2 years ago.

they live a few doors down so not immediate neighbours

OP I'm really not sure why you're explaining to us how those allegations aren't true. SS are not going to swoop in and take your kids. They will be very used to malicious reports. They might come, have a look about, check the kids have beds and food in the cupboards and what not. They might speak to the kids but they might not do any of that.

And holidays are not a requirement of having kids either.

The call was the initial assessment.
If zero cause for concern and further enquiry, the matter is closed.

If there is cause for concern and further enquiry is deemed necessary, a visit will take place.

SS do NOT visit for every report received. We would be working 24 hours a day 7 days a week visiting all the reports we receive if that was the case.

Be open, honest. If nothing to worry about, then the matter will be closed after this visit.