Social services referral- panicked

[Panicpanicpanicpanik]

I had a call late afternoon yesterday from social services saying they’d received a call from a concerned neighbour.

They were very empathetic and loosely highlighted the concerns that the neighbours had. All four are beyond false

1. the children barely leave the house and don’t go on holiday. Well firstly surely not going on holiday isn’t grounds for intervention?! But we also literally just got back from one. The children (4 and 6) go to school, so that’s leaving the house. They also have 2 hobbies on the weekend they go to as a minimum. How many hobbies do young children need? They’re starting rainbows and squirrels next academic year too. We were careful to not overwhelm them. We also go to parks, cheap days out, more expensive days out et. But there are times we have to stay in, illness, behind with house chores (but with housework days they still go out or play in the garden etc)

2. the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food. I don’t even know how a neighbour would know what they’re being fed. But I batch cook and maybe once a month maybe twice we have a McDonald’s.

3. tatty, unclean clothes. They’re always weather appropriate. Sure they might make mess on their clothes out and about but that’s life and they’re always clean

4. they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. The toys are kept in a storage cupboard as to not clutter the living room and taken out on rotation and when we finish we tidy and put away.

5. they also said they hear squabbling a lot, which my kids too argue and can’t really be left unattended without them arguing over something because they like the same thing and just pester each other. But surely this is somewhat normal?

as to my clue who has said this. Well we were temporarily friendly with a couple in their late 40s until they found out we’d ’taken their baby name’ for the son they never had. It had taken a while for them to find out as they’d only recently moved in and we’d been calling our son by a nickname that didn’t really bare resemblance to his actual name. Ever since they found out his name, which I’d assumed they’d known as it wasn’t a big secret, the vibe changed. They made a few funny comments, about how it’s unfair people get to have kids and they didn’t, implying people like us, and how unfair it was they had no toys. Then it came out about the name and how we took it from them and they couldn’t be friends with us anymore but would be civil. Fine. It was getting weird.

since they’ve blanked us when they’ve seen us so hardly civil but now this.

what do I do?
im overthinking and worried that making accusations now might look like mudslinging and make us look like we have something to hide?
also the things were reported for are BS right? I feel like I’m doubting myself

help

thanks for reading :)

Get one with what? It’s Saturday.

yeah I was panicking I’ve never been through anything like this before and given the nature of the complaint or allegations I’ve been feeling paranoid and second guessing myself. I’m was feeling too ashamed to tell anyone IRL

^on with it even

plus I’ll obviously comply with whatever they ask but I had 0 idea what to expect

Get on with your life. Yeah it sucks but you know it was your arsehole ex friends who are being malicious. You’ve nothing to hide. Just get on with it. Being on Mumsnet is sending you into a tizz about bum bongos and Asda cardigans.

I don’t think the list in the op is grounds for a referral

Her tooth was loose, you took her to the dentist.

The red flag would have been NOT taking her to the dentist. Kids have accidents, the issue is whether the parent gets appropriate care for injuries.

Is there a back history here? You seem very anxious. I get it is intrusive and having your parenting inspected makes you question yourself - I have been there! - but by the sounds of it this is all pretty normal stuff.

Basically are your children reasonably clean (they are all scruffy by bedtime), have adequate food (they all get hungry, sometimes have McDonald's, can be at the top or bottom of the 'normal' range in height and weight), and are loved and comfortablewith you?

Is the house reasonably clean (a bit of dust is normal, faeces on the wall or in the sink isn't) and tidy ( a bit of everyday mess is normal and healthy, hoarding and not being able to.use rooms isn't).

Do their clothes fit, and are they appropriate to the weather (supermarket clothes are normal, tears / holes mended instead of new clothes completely acceptable) and are they clean (again, most are scruffy by the end of the day, then clean clothes for next day)

It’s actually calmed me down, I was panicked before, although your phraseology has tickled me, so thank you!

I do generally have anxiety. It manifested really bad in my first pregnancy, the feeling that I’d lose the baby, that bad things always happen to me, then I had a few blips, spotting, growth scans and induction and my anxiety became crippling.

did a lot of work with a psychologist after and it came from childhood, it was abusive, physically and mentally. But I hadn’t realised until that moment. I’d blamed myself, I was difficult, bad etc and I’d only really conceived of abuse like baby P or mrs trunchboll.

Sorry, if I've missed it but what is father of the children's view on all this?

Your anxiety makes sense in this context. But please listen to those of us who have had this sort of experience, and the posters who work in schools.

There is - rightly - a lot of reasons SS will get a referral. Some malicious, most just acting on the slightest possibility something might be wrong.

It is better that the slightest possibility is followed up, and then the case closed, than a child dies or is seriously harmed.

The other side is many, many families get a SS visit and then the case is closed.

It is unpleasant, but try not to let your anxiety take over. This too shall pass.

So they will contact you to set up a time to visit will probably happen a few times and want to see both parents with the kids, they will see how the kids act are around you and how you are with the kid, ask them a few questions like what teh do for fun and few other things, they will run checks on you both, speak to the hospital doctors and school your work they shouldn't contact as it wont show anything of meaning, best to offer them a walk around your house and have some toys on show plus show them the lock up with other toys explain you dont have space for them all in the house after a few visit im sure they will be happy and it will be written up and passed on to a manager to make a decision on it been closed or more help should be offered to you, had a similar thing when our DD, she said to nursery that mommy had pushed her in to the radiator and she had banged her face wasnt really a lie but it also wasnt what really what happened DD slipped off her mom's knee as she was moving DD to one side and DD did fall in to the radiator and got a tiny nasty little mark on her cheek, ss came out about 3 time, spoke with nursery and hospital plus the doctors, write a report up and gave it to the manager with the opinion to close it and the case was closed, I know its super stressful but just be honest show them how good you are with your kids, dont really need to bring up who you think made the allegations as that wont help

He’s pretty angry, goes between wanting to confront the neighbours, to wanting to move, to being annoyed at the actual allegations themselves.

he’s also from a BAME background and, there is an inherent fear in his community as children are taken to a greater degree of frequency, and parents are treated with my suspicion.

It's sad that they lost their child but they have no right to take it out on you. I also lost a child and would never treat someone like this. Maybe they're really bothered by the noise of squabbling and that's the real reason for the call?

To the best of my understanding, they’ve never had a child, I think she had a few early losses (2 I think) which is obviously horrible and wouldn’t wish it on anyone but from what I understood, she ‘knew’ it was a boy (on a visceral level rather than being told the sex of the baby) and they were going to call him ‘son’s name’. They only met in their early 40s so I think it was a case of missing their window.

i guess maybe they could be bothered by it, my daughter is very whiny and my youngest quite dramatic, but they live a few houses down

When the visit happens, they will check your kitchen cupboards and fridge to check for food, they will want to see the living room, bathroom and children's bedrooms. House should be clean and tidy, no clutter, but they will expect and be fine with 'lived in'.

When you sit down for a chat, I would absolutely be telling them about this issue as a neighbour and ensuring that this is logged as a malicious referral. By being transparent about this neighbour dispute, you will help protect yourself if they make further malicious referrals.

Good luck with the visit, I'm sure it will all be fine to try not to tie yourself up in knots about it. They will likely want to speak with the school. Fingers crossed it gets closed down right after the visit.

If I were you, and you know the school has been spoken with, after it's closed, I'd go and speak with the school safeguarding lead and ensure they know that this was a malicious report from a vindictive neighbour.

Would social services go into such detail about what has been alleged by the person who had contacted them in their initial phone call?

Nothing will come of it. School will be able to confirm their attendance and that they’re fed if needed, and the other stuff is stupid. They’re obviously not right in the head and you’d be right to distance yourself from them.

Don't overthink it OP. You know none of these allegations are true. A call to school (they will be used to these) should satisfy their 'concerns'. They might even call to say they don't need to visit. But if they do, don't rant and rave about the neighbours, but do state when/why things turned sour between you. Stick to facts and try and be calm. They are not looking for perfection. You'll be fine OP.
Sorry this has happened to you, what horrid people. It's not you, it's them that needs help!

If it’s who you think it is, they’re probably sitting telling themselves if it was them they’d do so much better as parents. They don’t sound like particularly lovely people right now, as they’re taking resources away from children who actually need help.

Also, is this whole thread not potentially outing (the allegations and her pregnancy loss and the reason for the fall-out and your DD’s build - all quite specific). If they’re that obsessed by you they might check recent MN posts, and find what is now a written catalogue of stuff I presume you wouldn’t be galloping to share neighbours or SS (we all have things we wouldn't be shouting from the rooftops, I slammed my DD’s fingers in a door cos I thought she’d already gone, and my mum kneed my loose tooth right out when she was tipsy on local cider (seldom drank) and we were trying to get changed in the dark on holiday. Both felt very guilty!)

I also wonder if the suspects know from your fleeting friendship that you’re not the type who’ll just brush it off as what it is. It’s like bullies seem to have a sixth sense who they can target.

There is no correlation between a malicious report and anyone’s actual parenting ability. SS have got to check. And about the school, they see your kids daily, they probably spend more time with most kids than their parents do, they’re not going to suddenly start thinking you keep the kids in the coal-hole cos SS paid a visit.

Their jealousy and disappointment is their problem.

I'm speaking as someone who had three losses - I have no children of my own. Your neighbour has behaved in a despicable manner.

I hope you get through it @Panicpanicpanicpanik I did wonder why you were worrying so much about it (as opposed to being annoyed by the neighbours!) but your difficulties with anxiety and of course your husband’s worries are both understandable.

At least when you have got through it, the neighbours will lose credibility and any future reports from them will not have the same credence. They must be totally batshit.

I too find it really odd that you were told in the phone call, what the accusations were. That goes against everything I've been taught on safeguarding courses. Normally you wouldn't give any hint that would let an abusive or neglectful parent know what to cover up. I'm not a SW, but if have thought they'd have the same modus operandi for the same sensible reasons.

I can only guess that they have already twigged that it's bollocks and are just going through the motions.

They have to investigate a report but it will soon be obvious it was malicious so please don't worry or change anything you currently do
There are some bitter and twisted people about!

Children arguing is completely normal.
As are a less than perfect diet, looking a bit scruffy sometimes and not having holidays (even if they had been true!)

SS, Contrary to popular belief, do not just remove children on a whim. Things have to be really bad, especially for it to happen without the family being supported to turn things around first - and you aren't meeting the threshold even for that based on what you've said. I really hope you can stop freaking out about it as you don't even need to change anything before the visit, just carry on as normal.

You can make an appointment with the Head teacher and tell them about this. Just always be calm and logical. Don't worry so much. Nothing will happen. the complaints are mostly foolish.