Social services referral- panicked

[Panicpanicpanicpanik]

I had a call late afternoon yesterday from social services saying they’d received a call from a concerned neighbour.

They were very empathetic and loosely highlighted the concerns that the neighbours had. All four are beyond false

1. the children barely leave the house and don’t go on holiday. Well firstly surely not going on holiday isn’t grounds for intervention?! But we also literally just got back from one. The children (4 and 6) go to school, so that’s leaving the house. They also have 2 hobbies on the weekend they go to as a minimum. How many hobbies do young children need? They’re starting rainbows and squirrels next academic year too. We were careful to not overwhelm them. We also go to parks, cheap days out, more expensive days out et. But there are times we have to stay in, illness, behind with house chores (but with housework days they still go out or play in the garden etc)

2. the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food. I don’t even know how a neighbour would know what they’re being fed. But I batch cook and maybe once a month maybe twice we have a McDonald’s.

3. tatty, unclean clothes. They’re always weather appropriate. Sure they might make mess on their clothes out and about but that’s life and they’re always clean

4. they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. The toys are kept in a storage cupboard as to not clutter the living room and taken out on rotation and when we finish we tidy and put away.

5. they also said they hear squabbling a lot, which my kids too argue and can’t really be left unattended without them arguing over something because they like the same thing and just pester each other. But surely this is somewhat normal?

as to my clue who has said this. Well we were temporarily friendly with a couple in their late 40s until they found out we’d ’taken their baby name’ for the son they never had. It had taken a while for them to find out as they’d only recently moved in and we’d been calling our son by a nickname that didn’t really bare resemblance to his actual name. Ever since they found out his name, which I’d assumed they’d known as it wasn’t a big secret, the vibe changed. They made a few funny comments, about how it’s unfair people get to have kids and they didn’t, implying people like us, and how unfair it was they had no toys. Then it came out about the name and how we took it from them and they couldn’t be friends with us anymore but would be civil. Fine. It was getting weird.

since they’ve blanked us when they’ve seen us so hardly civil but now this.

what do I do?
im overthinking and worried that making accusations now might look like mudslinging and make us look like we have something to hide?
also the things were reported for are BS right? I feel like I’m doubting myself

help

thanks for reading :)

They will be look at the bedrooms to check that the children have a suitable bed/bedding. That it is clean (not prestige but basically hygienic). Some children live in very poor conditions. They will also check they have access to toys and books etc.

Ok then

Perhaps they’ve already spoken to the school then? I don’t know, I just assumed they’d speak to me first

SS Do not take loads of kids, in fact they give people too much leeway & too many chances, despite reports of abuse.

in your case I'm surprise they're even coming to see you, but we don't know what else 'the nasty couple' have said. What we DO know though is that it's going to be blindingly obvious it's a malicious report.

panicking isn't going to help, you need to try to be calm. It WILL all be ok 🤗

@saraclara every time I had a call from children's services (or MASH) with a malicious report from the neighbour they told me what the neighbour had said. right from the first call. I can't have been the only person they do that to

Interesting. Thanks. There must be different protocols in these instances.

How, exactly, do you expect them to know it’s an unfounded allegation without some investigation?

Because if you were neglecting or abusing your children there would certainly be signs when they were in school - e.g. coming to school dirty and not in the right uniform, never doing homework, you not turning up for parent teacher evenings etc, unexplained bruises and scratches, the children being hungry, maybe disclosures by the children etc.

The kind of people who run to Social Services are a certain type. I remember just after losing my Mother suddenly and my son not yet medicated he was 5. I enrolled him in a summer camp they told me they could handle ADHD. Anyway they couldn’t lasted less than a week before exclusion and were constantly asking leading questions like does your mum hit you if your naughty and they didn’t like me, got a funny vibe of me and so reported me to the social services. For context my son is now at university studying law, whilst one of these members of staff got on you tube years later with paedophile hunters and the others have older delinquent children and is literally thick as a brick. Not one member of staff had a clue. I ended up reporting them, I was furious. A social worker came out he was a complete arse but thankfully a good friend of mine now retired was the head of social work, she came to a meeting when the social worker came out and the school had no issues. It’s actually a horrible and utterly despicable thing to do to anyone. If kids are clearly neglected or beaten fair enough but there’s some nasty folk around.

You know you can refuse to have anything to do with social work. I did but then they said it looks like I’ve got something to hide. Hence I only attended with their ex head of department. Quite frankly this stuff is a massive waste of time for social work and they should be looking at vulnerable children, like the children of ones who reported me, looking at the staff’s Facebook pages they all looked like they had social workers of their own and that’s not an exaggeration as I know for a fact two of the guy who reported me teenagers were taken into foster care and their family life is a car crash. Yet he has virtual signalling quotes on his Facebook.

You just need to watch police programmes on tv some people call the police for a argument in your house, yet it’s not a final argument no these people want people to tell them what to do like they’re 8. I have no time for attention seekers who abuse public services like this.

Lots of good advice on here from people.

ss get lots of referrals, lots are malicious or just not safeguarding concerns (not taking kids on holiday is a laughable “concern” to be honest, it’s a luxury not a need)

its very upsetting though and I’m sorry this has happened.

social workers are skilled professionals that know what they are looking for, and it sounds like what they will see is a regular family home life and kids that are well cared for.

the threshold for support (never mind statutory intervention) is high. SS need to be assured that the children’s needs are met to a ‘good enough’ standard. Somewhere appropriate to sleep (basically a clean bed) , regular meals , age appropriate routines , supervision and boundaries (not staying up till 3am and missing school, not getting beaten , not allowed to play in the road) , access to school and toys to support development. These are basic benchmarks and by your posts it seems you exceed these basic benchmarks in normal daily life.

Please try not to worry about this. Be honest with the social workers, tell them about the unusual interaction with the neighbors, it may help them understand the referal. try and show them what normal life looks like.

Take care of yourself, this is stressful and not nice but it’s going to be ok xx

No, the way SS handle things is different to what is advised for a Referrer. In terms of safeguarding, if a someone has concerns, they are encouraged to speak with the parents as long as they feel this would not put the children at any risk of harm or abuse. A potential Referrer is only told NOT to discuss with the parents IF it would put the child at risk of abuse, such as physical abuse, sexual abuse etc.

If a report is made such as the concerns raised regarding OP's children, SS will absolutely tell the parents on the phone what the concerns are. They need to be addressed in order to work with the family to resolve the concerns. If the concerns were of physical or sexual abuse, a phone call to the parents as the first contact is highly unlikely, they would likely to an unannounced visit.

I'm safeguarding trained myself, and used to be a teacher, but I've also come across a person who had done a safeguarding course who was under the belief that they should never speak with the parents about their concerns. I once discussed this with a SW and they were appalled that this person went straight to a referral instead of simply talking with the parent, and told the referrer so.

How do you think a social worker can address the issue with parents if they don't tell them what the concerns are? A basic tenet of social work is transparency. There may be very few occasions when a social worker won't contact the parents to discuss a referral before visiting a child but only if there is an immediate risk of significant harm and only after consultation with the police who may seek to take immediate action. It's impossible to safeguard children if you can't talk to the parent about the concerns. Additionally, social workers need parental consent to visit children (unless in those very narrow circumstances as set out above) so we need to tell the parents what has been shared.

Also, it's absolutely not current that referrers shouldn't tell parents when they are making a referral. Especially if you are a school or health setting you very much should. Again, it goes back to transparency. Unless, again, immediate risk of significant harm.

Yes

There are a lot of other professionals who work with children who believe that only social workers should or can talk to parents about safeguarding concerns. We often have to rebuff schools sharing information with us and ask them to come back after they have talked to the parents, both at initial referral stage and when a case is open. It's fine to share information with an allocated social worker, it's not fine to hand over a worry and leave it to the social worker to raise. So many teachers and health visitors especially don't like to raise concerns with parents because they 'don't want to damage the relationship' or often IMO because they are scared of the reaction especially with the more shouty and reactive type of parent. It's not acceptable.

Is your partner their father?

Is my husband their father? What makes you ask that?

yes he is

Oh op

do I really need to answer why I asked that?

1. Because the likelihood of abuse in a household exponentially increases if one half of the relationship, the adult isn’t the biological parent
2. he may have children from a previous marriage and that situation has SS involvement (although I suppose of course that could be the case ie second marriage)

but that is the only reason I asked

Exactly
I’m surprised you even had to ask the question

None of the accusations would warrant children being removed from parents care. If they were true, the family would be offered support to turn it around. Absolutely no reason why they wouldn't have discussed them on the phone.

Safeguarding training says you must talk to the parents about concerns before contacting services too. Unless you suspect they are/would be in immediate danger. (E.g. kids look a bit scruffy/seem hungry, talk to parents. Kids say parent kicks the shit out of them every night, make immediate referral)

Yes because none of that was mentioned in my OP as that wasn’t the nature of the points social services raised

Well as many many threads have revealed, sometimes what is missing from the Op is most definitely relevant

however you’ve confirmed my question doesn’t apply to your family

Thanks you. That's really interesting, and I'm glad of the correction. There seems to be a lot of confusion on this.

Yes the children have his last name, we’ve been married for more than a decade they are more certainly his lol

I completely agree with this. If there’s more to it - work with them. If all is genuinely as you’ve reported then I wouldn’t consent to them contacting anyone. I am a social worker, and if a referral like this was made about me I wouldn’t engage - I am entitled to a private family life and would not want my home being checked or my children spoken with. I understand most people will have a different opinion, and if all is as you’ve said, they will likely go away very soon if you cooperate. I just wouldn’t in your position as a matter of principle.

When is the visit?