Social services referral- panicked

[Panicpanicpanicpanik]

I had a call late afternoon yesterday from social services saying they’d received a call from a concerned neighbour.

They were very empathetic and loosely highlighted the concerns that the neighbours had. All four are beyond false

1. the children barely leave the house and don’t go on holiday. Well firstly surely not going on holiday isn’t grounds for intervention?! But we also literally just got back from one. The children (4 and 6) go to school, so that’s leaving the house. They also have 2 hobbies on the weekend they go to as a minimum. How many hobbies do young children need? They’re starting rainbows and squirrels next academic year too. We were careful to not overwhelm them. We also go to parks, cheap days out, more expensive days out et. But there are times we have to stay in, illness, behind with house chores (but with housework days they still go out or play in the garden etc)

2. the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food. I don’t even know how a neighbour would know what they’re being fed. But I batch cook and maybe once a month maybe twice we have a McDonald’s.

3. tatty, unclean clothes. They’re always weather appropriate. Sure they might make mess on their clothes out and about but that’s life and they’re always clean

4. they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. The toys are kept in a storage cupboard as to not clutter the living room and taken out on rotation and when we finish we tidy and put away.

5. they also said they hear squabbling a lot, which my kids too argue and can’t really be left unattended without them arguing over something because they like the same thing and just pester each other. But surely this is somewhat normal?

as to my clue who has said this. Well we were temporarily friendly with a couple in their late 40s until they found out we’d ’taken their baby name’ for the son they never had. It had taken a while for them to find out as they’d only recently moved in and we’d been calling our son by a nickname that didn’t really bare resemblance to his actual name. Ever since they found out his name, which I’d assumed they’d known as it wasn’t a big secret, the vibe changed. They made a few funny comments, about how it’s unfair people get to have kids and they didn’t, implying people like us, and how unfair it was they had no toys. Then it came out about the name and how we took it from them and they couldn’t be friends with us anymore but would be civil. Fine. It was getting weird.

since they’ve blanked us when they’ve seen us so hardly civil but now this.

what do I do?
im overthinking and worried that making accusations now might look like mudslinging and make us look like we have something to hide?
also the things were reported for are BS right? I feel like I’m doubting myself

help

thanks for reading :)

From what you’ve said there really is nothing to worry about. Cheap clothes, toys in a cupboard, McDonald’s once a month, sibling squabbles and a bit of shouting aren’t of interest to SS who are looking for actual neglect and abuse. If school or nursery were worried about the scratches they would’ve spoken to you. The bar for having children removed is very high and when you hear about them being removed for no reason it is often just one side of the story.

I’m really sorry this has happened and got you so stressed out. Your neighbours sound a bit unhinged and clearly unhappy. If they are so bothered about children’s welfare they could adopt, foster, mentor, childmind or work with children in some kind of rewarding capacity instead of sitting at home making up allegations and trying to make other people as miserable as them

There are children still at home as full time carers for alcoholic parents with support from social services, no one will be taking your children away.

They will visit but only because it's routine after a complaint.
Children get messy but they will be able to tell instantly if your children are happy , secure and are loved.
They must get lots of nutters contacting them.
Shame on them because you have done nothing wrong.

im Worried if they interview them and something gets said by them and it misrepresents something.

like there was one time I was telling my daughter off she ran off to the bathroom, I was following and she slipped or tripped and hit her tooth on the tub (it was already loose ) but it bled and got even more loose and fell out a few days later. I took her to the emergency dentist and he was very nonchalant. But I felt terrible.

she also one time purposefully kicked me in the stomach (and this was recently) I have ibd so killed can I shouted fuck really loudly and she got really scared.

we also used to play ‘bongo drums’, it was a little song we made up when basically I guess tapping (never actually smacking) their little butts or Tummy with cupped hands. They used to giggle and do it to us too, but then one day my eldest said she was scared, we were going to punch her in the eye or really smack her. So we stopped

This!

Children are sometimes not removed in extreme circumstances.
It doesn't sound like you have anything to worry about @Panicpanicpanicpanik

I’m a DSL in a school. They won’t care about where the clothes come from, just that the DCs are wearing clean clothes, appropriate for the weather that fit and are the children clean (not perfect - one of my DCs hair permanently looked like it had never seen a brush within 5 mins of leaving the house, but was always relatively clean). They will say if it appears the children haven’t had breakfast - so are children complaining of being hungry at school. What the children’s attendance is like, how they present in school and how the parents engage with school. Nobody is expecting perfection, just looking out for red flags. School see the children day in day out, so have a good sense of them.

If ocassional McDonalds or buying clothes from Asda was a problem, I think they would have been banned by now.

This.

We had pupils coming to school with holes in their clothing. (They were cousins in separate households.)

The mothers had left home with the girls. The boys were left behind with their alcoholic fathers. Social services refused to remove the boys.

Are you sure it was SS?

if they do come I’d make it clear what you think has happened and look into harassment from neighbours

I know someone who had a malicious report made about them/their parenting to social services by a neighbour - it was all false but terrified her none the less. Social services came, interviewed her and the children separately. It was awful but they found nothing of concern and case closed. It is horrible that people stoop to this kind of tactic but SS are used to it - they have to check but will be able to tell instantly that your children are loved and cared for.

Yeah pretty sure. I guess it could’ve been a prank but it was too official sounding for that

They'll just ask the school for a general sense of the kid's wellbeing, attendance etc.

I’m worried they’ll be taken away (I’m aware I might be catastrophising)

Might?!

Come on now. I get that this is horrible, but you're being ridiculous. Worrying about supermarket uniform? I'd say that 80% of kids wear supermarket uniform!

Everything you say about your home and the way you treat and feed your children is absolutely standard, and much better than many children's lives.

As a pp suggested, just welcome the SW into your home with a bemused attitude. Stay calm, relaxed and friendly, and make it clear that (as they'll already have guessed) the 'no holidays' thing is just insane, and that no-one outside your family has seen inside your fridge or watched you children eat, so that's fantasy as well. Try not to look terrified!

Kids do fight and biting is not uncommon, childcare should be filling out forms for any injuries children come in with just as a standard protocol- some are better at doing this than others but if they had concerns they should have raised them before now. As for shouting I think most parents yell at there kids from time to time - most just don’t admit it but let’s be honest kids really know how to push the boundaries

Hey firstly the very fact you are so worried means you are a good Mam. If you didn't give a damn about SS report and call, its far more likely to be more concerning.
Secondly, no house is perfectly clean and tidy with kids in it, that's a huge red flag if kids have a spotlessly clean house as could mean they can't play freely. A messy house is fine, clothes for play a bit tatty, well that's okay too. My kids never had anything other than supermarket brand school uniforms either.

Thirdly, all houses have waiting days for shopping. Just be sure there is bread, milk, cereal, the snacks and food the kids like to eat as usual. Fruit if they eat it. They may ask to check fridge and presses, let them.They may ask where your kids are when you work, they may not.

Show the SW around the house, don't be afraid of them, in your case they aren't your enemy. For their part they don't want to take your kids, trust me there are kids far far worse living in awful circumstances they do need to look out for.

But they would be failing your kids if they didn't at least check. Think about it like that. They might ask can they check with GP and school, say yes, explain you are DBS enhanced for work and that as far as you are concerned it is a malicious complaint.

Social workers are used to seeing kids that are mistreated and neglected, they know the difference between a kid thats a bit scruffy thru play and a child that hasnt been bathed in months.

Be approachable, open and honest with them, it will be fine.

@Panicpanicpanicpanik BREATHE!!!
Former social worker here. SS are obliged to investigate when someone makes a report. What they will do : visit you in your home to make sure your children are not locked inside a cave. That they have beds, toys, clothes and that there are not dirty diapers and smelly garbage lying all over the place (Seen this irl). Basically make sure that the living conditions are GOOD ENOUGH. Noone cares about the brands the children's clothes are 🤣. If they have got clean clothes, a bed, toys and look well kept (as in no ingrained weekold dirt) and in good health (neither obese nor extremely underweight unless there is an underlying health condition) then all is good. What do you think social workers earn? Where do you think they buy their children's clothes etc? You probably earn more than them. So stop being afraid of judgment on superficial things.

They will call school to see if they have any concerns. If not, then all is good.

They will see how you (the parents) interact with your children. Try to be as natural as possible. They want to see you being close to your children while also having boundaries for behaviour.

I actually had a malicious referral to SS myself. My autistic son was not going to school but everyone was aware and all competent services were working on getting him into SEN school. I was sahm and home schooled him.
They still had to visit us and called school (I informed my son's teacher who said she would be delighted to tell them that she had never seen such an implicated parent and well looked after child- I was often in school helping out).

Even though I knew I was a good parent and that I had done everything (contacted all competent services) I could to help my child I still felt nervous and had anxiety over their visit. So OP, I understand you do. But please believe me, from what I have read in your posts you have NOTHING to worry about. ❤️

@OneZippyPlumBalonz do you think SS should ignore the report they’ve received without even checking for themselves?

We had a similar bunch of malicious neighbour referral reasons. I'll be honest, it was stressful. After the initial phone call SS disappeared for a few days then suddenly turned up at my house. I have a PDA child who would have gone berserk with an unannounced stranger, so she met my other children and interviewed me and DH in the garden. She arranged an appointment two days later to meet DS and looked round the house then too. Then she left and said she would be in touch. We waited a whole week before we got a letter to say the claims were unsubstantiated and the case was closed. It was the most stressful time I've ever had and honestly I'm still a bit traumatised two years later, as is one of my children. Some people here have suggested it will be fine, in my experience ultimately it was fine but it was a month of awfulness.

Even the post about her tooth, my shouting fuck in a gruff angry voice and the fact she was afraid we were smacking her or ‘going to punch her in the eye’

Some people do smack their children and still have them, it’s still legal in England I believe (although not in Wales or Scotland).

would I child be removed for a smack in wales now?

I grew up in wales and was smacked A LOT, so probably should’ve been removed

They visit.

You can ask if not going on holiday is really a social services concern. Then tell them all about the holiday you’ve just been on!

You can ask how a neighbour knows they have no toys? Then show them the cupboard.

You can ask how a neighbour knows what they eat? They’ll ask the children.

You can ask about being immaculate as a necessary. Then offer them to ask school if they have concerns.

I would then say they disable and ask them if they have any advice on how to stop it!!! (And watch them run away 😂).

basically they have to follow up but SS are very aware what is is Andy a concern and what someone who isn’t in the house will and won’t know.

If you are welcoming and engaged they’ll have less concerns than if you are defensive and cagy.

i would be surprised if it isn’t a visit and case closed.

But also if it is malicious then by visiting and being reassured then any further reports (especially if they are frequent) can be treated as vexatious eventually and they can be a support to get it stopped.

No, children aren't removed for a smack anywhere.

OP you’re being so ridiculous about this that I actually question whether or not this post is genuine. Get off Mumsnet and get on with it. You know you’re not abusing or neglecting your children so stop posting on here and just comply with SS to get it over with. You’re being really weird about it all.

it only came in in 2022. No you wouldn’t have been removed unless at serious risk of harm, there are children that are living with heroin addicts and alcoholics and even they are supported before they’re removed. SS would prefer to keep children with their parents but have to investigate, especially after the times they didn’t and children died.