Social services referral- panicked

[Panicpanicpanicpanik]

I had a call late afternoon yesterday from social services saying they’d received a call from a concerned neighbour.

They were very empathetic and loosely highlighted the concerns that the neighbours had. All four are beyond false

1. the children barely leave the house and don’t go on holiday. Well firstly surely not going on holiday isn’t grounds for intervention?! But we also literally just got back from one. The children (4 and 6) go to school, so that’s leaving the house. They also have 2 hobbies on the weekend they go to as a minimum. How many hobbies do young children need? They’re starting rainbows and squirrels next academic year too. We were careful to not overwhelm them. We also go to parks, cheap days out, more expensive days out et. But there are times we have to stay in, illness, behind with house chores (but with housework days they still go out or play in the garden etc)

2. the children aren’t fed / fed poor quality food. I don’t even know how a neighbour would know what they’re being fed. But I batch cook and maybe once a month maybe twice we have a McDonald’s.

3. tatty, unclean clothes. They’re always weather appropriate. Sure they might make mess on their clothes out and about but that’s life and they’re always clean

4. they’ve got no toys. They’ve got all the toys. But it’s given me a clue as to which neighbour reported us. The toys are kept in a storage cupboard as to not clutter the living room and taken out on rotation and when we finish we tidy and put away.

5. they also said they hear squabbling a lot, which my kids too argue and can’t really be left unattended without them arguing over something because they like the same thing and just pester each other. But surely this is somewhat normal?

as to my clue who has said this. Well we were temporarily friendly with a couple in their late 40s until they found out we’d ’taken their baby name’ for the son they never had. It had taken a while for them to find out as they’d only recently moved in and we’d been calling our son by a nickname that didn’t really bare resemblance to his actual name. Ever since they found out his name, which I’d assumed they’d known as it wasn’t a big secret, the vibe changed. They made a few funny comments, about how it’s unfair people get to have kids and they didn’t, implying people like us, and how unfair it was they had no toys. Then it came out about the name and how we took it from them and they couldn’t be friends with us anymore but would be civil. Fine. It was getting weird.

since they’ve blanked us when they’ve seen us so hardly civil but now this.

what do I do?
im overthinking and worried that making accusations now might look like mudslinging and make us look like we have something to hide?
also the things were reported for are BS right? I feel like I’m doubting myself

help

thanks for reading :)

Children are removed for sexual, physical abuse or DV. Even alcoholic/drug dependent parents or negligent ones will often keep their children.
Kids definitely aren't being removed for having George clothes opposed to m&s.

SS are stretched, there are children living in absolute chaos and squalor with no intervention, you not holidaying isn’t ringing any alarm bells.

People who make malicious SS calls are the worst imaginable scum. To me it’s akin to false 999 calls. Fuckers.

Honestly, don't worry about it. Work with the SS and talk to them. Let them see your DC and speak to their schools.

Years back, I got contacted by SS. Someone had reported me. The allegations were:

1. I was always drunk and stoned around the DC.
2. I was always drunkenly shouting/screaming at the DC.
3. I was never at home.

I was horrified about the referral. A lovely man from SS visited my place and when he chatted to me/told me the allegations, I relaxed a bit (you'll see why). I gave him the contact info for the DCs schools and nursery (and any wraparound care)....and also my workplace. I told him that I was a Registered Nurse that works FT (so work = very long shifts), and the breadwinner. Also that I'm pretty much teetotal (I get the alcohol flush reaction, therefore cannot have much alcohol at all) and a non smoker. I told him that I'd be happy to undertake any alcohol or drug testing at any point. He saw the DC, and they happily showed him around the house, asked if he wanted to join in with their games etc. I THINK the SS spoke to the school/nursery (and they raised no concerns). The case was closed in no time!

FWIW, my DC have McDonalds on occasion, and our place isn't a show home. Our holidays consist of camping trips and days out (I only took them for an overseas holiday for the first time last year). But the DC were (still are) happy/loved/secure/settled. They're doing well at school and have a happy life. We don't have a large place, but there's always food in the cupboards and I can afford to run the house and keep us comfortable.

To be honest though, I'd rather that the SS check these things out and find nothing wrong...than not check things out and a child slips through the net.

Oh bless you, of course it won’t matter where you buy your uniform from, nor your toys or furniture. Try hard not to worry so much, easier said than done I know. Social workers are professional people who know what they are looking for.
I trust they come sooner, rather than later, so you can stop worrying.

They'll check that the kids have food, toys,a decent place to sleep with clean bedding and that they appear in good health, physically and emotionally. They look for "good enough" parenting, and the bar for their involvement and removal of children is very high. Your kids have all they need, so it will be obvious to them that the report was malicious.

This isn't quite right. Most referrals don't proceed to visit/assessment but are screened at the MASH and only include a phone call. I think it's very odd that the concerns raised by the neighbour would result in a call at all, let alone a visit, but maybe there is something in the school or health records that would support the referral.

OP, you don't have to consent to school and health being contacted. If things are as you say they are, it's probably not proportionate. But if there is more to it than that, it's better to work with them openly and accept the help.

Don’t panic it’s sounds like you live a standard sort of family life.

When I was a SAHM with a 2 year old and a 6 month old there was a knock on the door and it was the health visitor ( not seen since the last birth).

Well I was reported, as my house was suspiciously immaculate with no toys on display and everything was super clean.

If she had asked I would have told her, I was waiting for the estate agent and photographer to come as my home was due to go on the market.

Super tidy is not what they want to see - do not worry.

No, they don't have to follow up every referral with a visit: that's what MASH screening is for. It would be physically impossible to follow up every referral with a visit, departments receive thousands per month.

They won't be taken away on the basis of what you've said here.

I'm a retired teacher. (Secondary.)

We used to tell our parents to buy school shirts and trousers/skirts from Asda's because it made more economic sense than splurging out on expensive stuff. (We provided the school tie.)

OP, I'm furious on your behalf.

I stand corrected.

Please don’t worry - this will be seen quite clearly as malicious, once they speak to you.

Happened to my sister, SS did the visit and closed it there and then, told her it was unfounded.

It turned out to be her husband’s ex wife (who later had her sons removed from her own custody and now live with my sister!!)

We had a visit after a malicious referral (by the primary school ironically! We were taking them to court for disability discrimination and they were pulling out every trick in the book to discredit us).

They spoke to us, checked each child had a bed and spoke to each child privately. That was it. They said there was no evidence of the child abuse the school had reported us for and closed the case straight away.

You will be fine. Anyway, from what I understand from a police officer who is often involved with social services through her job, it’s the immaculate homes and the immaculately dressed children that often indicates concern, especially if the children are quiet and super obedient.

It’s like a mother bear reaction isn’t it, the faint distant threat of having your babies taken even though that’s totally irrational. It’s just a natural response, I think you have to label it and remember its instinct but it’s not actually true.
social services threshold is pitifully high, there are so many children being left behind in awful situations.

You are definitely catastrophising. Clothes from Asda? Furniture from Dunelm? Toys in a cupboard? Like 80% of families then. Dunno what SS would have made of our house. Our DC had bedroom furniture from Argos, and not the posh Habitat bit either . Mind you I'd be a nervous wreck if I was potentially getting a visit, as well as cross and angry, embarrassed etc . It's like when you go through the nothing to declare line and even though you actually don't have anything to declare so are in the right lane you still feel guilty

If they were that concerned they wouldn’t have phoned to give you notice they were coming to check your food and toy cupboards they would just have appeared on your doorstep. I know this as I used to do the job and anonymous referrals were always a large part of the job and most were false. To be honest the opting out of heath visiting might have caused a problem as they may have access to a system that’s gives basic info such as who gp is etc that may have shown this or may have checked of there had been a recent visit to see if they could close it down at the referral stage but it won’t go against you overall. Let’s be honest not a lot of health visiting goes on these days due to caseloads. Social workers won’t care if your kids don’t have many toys, wear supermarket clothes, eat basic food there are many children living like this due to poverty. That is not a parenting issue or fault of the parents or a reason for social workers to be involved. As long as your house is not filthy you won’t have anything to worry about. In terms of jobs employers would only get informed if things got more serious and there is transferable risk to those you work with.

It will depend on their employer’s policy. We have to report pretty much anything and everything.

OP, think about how many malicious reports SS get. They are so used to it. They have no interest in catching you out, they can barely cope with their caseloads of truly abused and neglected children.

They will pop by and probably check that there is food in the kitchen, that the children have beds and clothes, that the place is reasonably clean. They're looking for good enough parenting, not perfect parenting. If you haven't got dog shit all over the floor, used needles in the bathroom, all your doors kicked in and feral dogs, you'll be fine.

Thing is we don’t live in poverty, I mean we aren’t MN rich but we both work in finance in managerial roles so our household income is well over 6 figures.

theyve got lots and lots of toys they just aren’t laying around we tidy them up. But the neighbour wouldn’t have known that, they also have toys in their room but again neighbours never went there.

they just eat normal food that I can either , batch cook, slow cook or air fry because we finish work at 5.00 so needs to be ready for 5:30.

their clothes are a mix, supermarket and various high street. Clarkes shoes.

what worries me with this is the amount they fight. They have had scratches and even a bite mark from each other and I’ve lost my cool with the fighting as has dh on more than one occasion and shouted

If the accusations are untrue you have nothing to worry about. Let them do their job. If you resist, that’s when they linger. Been there

No one, including social worker, cares what brand or non brand their clothes or shoes are, again.

Almost all siblings argue.

I know it makes you panic but you'd do well to really take on board what people are saying here

Well the squabbling is true, they constantly fight. Are playing nice then someone does the wrong thing in the imaginary game and all hell breaks loose.

the others seem erroneous and clearly disproved. But again worrying me it’s that my daughter is v thin, bmi is like 10th centile so right at the lower end of normal. Could that been seen as under feeding?
She’s got food available and we try but her appetite is low.

Someone made a malicious claim to social services when my son was 4. I was devastated (and still don't know who) but they spoke to my son's school and didn't visit us. The case was closed in 3 days. School had zero concerns. They did an exercise with DS with houses and worries. His biggest worry was one of his goldfish being mean to the other one.

It is incredibly scary and worrying, but SS know when they've been played and I'm sure they will close the case after speaking with school

I would be very surprised if children’s services agreed come out for these concerns if there’s no evidence from other sources and only some claims from neighbours. For example the holiday thing is quite frankly ridiculous. Imagine how many families would need a children’s services visit if that was their threshold. If things are as you say they are it makes me very cross at such a waste of precious resources.

@bumblebee3122 yes they did that exercise with my child too! Or rather got the school to do it with her

Although this was after a few malicious allegations from the neighbour