Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

Isn't the baby going to have family on both sides? It's not grandads fault your dad has died. He sounds like he wants to step up and be involved, and probably sees your partner as his son.

Yabu. Your partners stepdad/dad has a right to be called grandad and would have done if your dad was alive or not. Your issue, understandably, is that your dad won’t see his grandkids. Sadly that’s life and happens. You need to get past this. You should be pleased the stepdad is excited for your ds.

Kindly, your partners family are doing nothing wrong. Your baby is lucky to have these people that love him as their Grandson. It’s very sad that your Dad didn’t get to be around, but that doesn’t mean that the other Grandad can’t be that for your son.

Your grief is clouding your judgement about what would be nicest for your child as he grows up. He can still be taught about his Grandad in heaven, or however you want to do it.

I’m sorry for your lose but even if you’re Dad was still here your partner’s step Dad would still be Grandad too. It’s not and either or.

I understand why you’re finding this difficult but having more loving people in your child’s life a good thing.

How long has he been your partners stepdad ? I think it’s depends on what their relationship is like really , if he has been a permanent father figure then he should absolutely be grandad but he came on the scene when your partner was an adult then I wouldn’t be calling him grandad .

I’m guessing your partner step dad has been a part of his life for a long time, since he was a child? I don’t think it’s unusual in those circumstances for a step parent to have a grandparent name.

My own step dad is known by a grandparent name by my child, because he’s been in my life my life since I was 9 and has very much earned being acknowledged properly as a significant person in my life. My child’s paternal grandparents both sadly died years before her birth. Whilst I would have acknowledged it being difficult for him, had he ever raised it as you do, I wouldn’t have cut out my step dad to appease him.

I think your partners suggestion is a good one. I would explain how raw your dad’s death is and how you had reserved that name for him and how you’re feeling, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t make sense to others. Hopefully they can accept that’s where your at.

at the same time acknowledging their lovingness toward your son and come up with an alternative name for now

i do also agree that we can have many grandads..perhaps this grandad can be “granddaddy yellow house” or whatever distinguishes him - a lot of kids do that

Is there more to this, OP? Some cruelty or unkindness from your DP or his parents? Because what you've described sounds like a lovely man wanting to be close with your son and be his grandad.

It's really sad that your son won't know his other grandad, but that's not the stepdad's fault. It doesn't sound like anyone is doing anything wrong - but maybe there's more to it?

Gently, I think you are being unreasonable. If your partner is close to his stepdad and sees him as a father figure, i wouldn't deny your baby the opportunity to have another loving grandparent in his life. You don't get many people that love you like that in life. Your baby can only benefit from an extra person to love them.

It might be difficult for you because it's making you reflect on what your dad is missing, but your baby shouldn't miss out because of it. Please don't let this hurt you- your dad not being around is hurting you, not this man

I agree with the others.You feel the way you feel but you are taking your grief out (the anger stage) on innocent parties. Its very sad that you lost your father, and lost him before you got pregnant and gave him his first grandchild. But your DH continues to have father figures in his own life—old men continue to exist. You can’t prevent your child or your partner from having this important relationship just because your father didn’t get to have it.

Gently op, this makes no sense. Your partners parents are grandparents as are yours. Sadly your dad has passed away but that has no bearing on your partner having his still alive. (The fact that your partners dad is a step dad shouldn’t matter.) It is not your partner’s step dad’s fault that your own dad is no longer here. Be glad your child has loving grandparents.

Aw. I do understand where you are coming from. Would it help to talk about your dad with the baby especially as they grow up. Refer to him as grandad name eg grandad Fred to distinguish him from his other grandad. I do think the t shirt thing was crass and thoughtless though.

I actually disagree with previous posters, because I have a stepmum and she’s never called herself grandma but my actual mum and dad called themselves grandparents

Yabu, would you feel the same if it was his actual dad ? You see so many posts about how their son isn’t being treated the same as biological kids yet his step dad is embracing it. Would it be a different post if you felt he didn’t make an effort with your son ? I don’t think they will win with whatever they do

Agreed.

With the best will in the world the issue here is that having your son had brought up emotions around your dad dying. You've latched onto something that feels important but it's really not. Even if your dad were still alive your partner's stepdad would also have a grandparent role.

It's obviously an emotional time for you but he's really doing nothing wrong. It's lovely your son has lots of people who love him and want to be part of his life.

I’m so sorry for loss, this must be a very painful situation.
kindly though, I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. Your child (and your husband) is very lucky to have a man who steps up and wants to be involved. Embrace this please and allow a positive relationship to form 💐

I think it would be a shame to confront the grandparents. They want to be loving grandparents and although it is hard for you, they are separate from your dad. What is your child supposed to call him? We have a step grandparent in our family and they are still Grandad.

I think this is a ‘you’ issue, tied up in your grief. Even if your dad was alive, your baby would still potentially call DPs stepdad Grandad. The only person who should decide whether that’s appropriate is DP.

New babies can be one of the things that brings grief to the surface again.

I’m sorry for your loss OP . I’m afraid though that Stepdad is not a substitute for your Dad . There would always have been more than one Grandad . This is an issue caused by your grief and your in laws have done nothing wrong . This is something that you need to come to terms with yourself .

You're being completely unreasonable.

Your child has other family that's not linked to you. Whether he's your dh's biological father or stepfather is irrelevant...he's married to your child's biological grandmother so he WILL be in a grandparent roll.

What do you want to do? Insist your lo calls him Steve, not Grandad? Ridiculous. And if there are any other grandkids on that side, now or in future, that DO call him Grandad - the only person you'll damage will be your son as he'll be different and feel left out.

Kindly OP, this is grief talking.

You would rather deny your DS a grandparent than accept that you are grieving the life you imagined where your dad would be a grandad? I don’t think so, but can imagine it stings.

my biological DF has not been in my life since I was 6 months old. My DF (technically my stepdad) has been there since I was 2 - he’s earned his dad and grandad stripes and would be so hurt if I’d asked my kids to call him something else because DH’s dad had passed away.

It's times like the birth of a baby that we most miss the people we've lost, but your DS was always going to have more than one grandfather.

Unless your husband's step-father is abusive in some way, or has only been on the scene for a very short time, I think you are letting grief cloud your view on this.

Is your husband's father still around? If so they can be Grandad Mike and Grandad John, but if he's the only grandfather your son has, then he probably will just be Grandad to your son.

The more people who love your child the better, and good male role models are particularly important for boys.

You telling your parents in law isn't a good idea, you may get emotional and say hurtful things, that could damage what could be a very positive relationship for your child, and cause your husband a lot of distress.

My partners biological Dad is also involved and called Grandpa. His biological dad has remarried and his wife isn’t known as Nan, as my partners Mum said that my son already has his Nanny’s. She is known by her actual name.

There would always have been more than one Grandad

There would. And I think the way to look at this is to embrace the fact that your little boy does have people who love him and are “on his team” even though your own father sadly didn’t get to meet him. One doesn’t replace the other.

OP, 3 months is a time when postnatal depression can kick in. Are you feeling anxious or sad about other things or is this the only thing? If there are other things making you feel unusual emotions (sometimes it could just be a lack of enjoyment in life), I would go to the doc and get some help.

If it's just this issue, I think having your son has probably brought up grief from your Dad's death. Perhaps you could have some counselling. I think even if your DH's stepdad is a recent partner, it's nice he is so enthusiastic about playing the grandad role - and lovely for your DS to have a Grandad who loves him. Either that, or your DH's mum is buying these clothes! I would try to see the positive in it and get some help for the grief you still feel about your Dad.