Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

My kids had 3 grandads (until last year) one of which is technically ‘step’. The step grandfather is by far their closest and most involved grandad. He absolutely dotes on them all and they, him. Why would you needlessly deny your child a willing and present grandparent? My bio FIL died last year and my own DF is riddled with cancer. These relationships are precious and priceless and fragile. I’m so grateful for their ‘bonus’ grandparent. You will end up regretting this if you push it. It’s grief talking, which I empathise with but please don’t rush into saying something as I’m sure you’ll change your view in years to come.

I agree with this to a large extent, but the added issue is that the OP's MIL is pushing for her partner to be 'Grandad' whilst blocking her ex-husband's new wife from being 'Nan', thereby making matters extremely complicated.

So only 1 father can be Grandad? It's not her step-dad it's her husband's step-dad!

I do get this completely as my sons dad died when he was small

when he had a child of his own my partner became grampy rather then grandad as my sons dad would have wanted grandad, this also left grandad open for my partners sons child when that happens so everyone was thought of in this situation

your partners step dad wants to be present in your child’s life , would you feel any different if this was your panthers biological dad?

I get the step dad being grandad when your dad is gone is distressing and a reminder of your own dad not being here but wouldn’t there be 2 sets of grandparents if your dad was still here ?

could you compromise and have a different name like pop pop or pops, grandpa etc Is that open for discussion if you find grandad to distressing

it’s completely ok to not be happy and upset and your husband needs to support you with whatever you choose

your child’s step grandparent seems loving and wanting to be involved and likely doesn’t know you are upset

I agree with most of this, but something rather sinister is going on - on the part of the MIL.

She's trying to force the OP into accepting the MIL's partner as grandad whilst simultaneously blocking her ex's new wife from being 'Nan'.

The situation is so much more complicated than I initially realised. The MIL is being very controlling.

Try and embrace the fact that your dc will have older adults who love them. I would have loved my (now ex) mil’s dh to want to be in my dc’s lives but he wouldn’t even come downstairs when we visited (long back story). We used grandad plus first name to distinguish on that side as multiple step situations whereas on my side we didn’t use first names to distinguish

Although the t-shirts were tacky there is no evidence this is about ego

op is grieving and her sadness is understandable

a simple compromise is to call him grampy or pops so that her dad can remain grandad

I think they all need to sit down and talk as I do agree the other nan not being allowed to be called nan is not ok and really not the mils call to make

op is clearly grieving and she needs support from her husband and extended family on both sides

I do think a name change is the way forward to allow op to keep grandad for her dad

I do hope she gets the help and support she needs to move forward with it

I know how hard it all is

I don't see an issue as it's your partners parents, if your dad was still around surely it would be the same situation. I don't have anything to do with my dad, my mum has been with her partner for 20+ years but I don't see him as a dad/stepdad. But I don't want my son missing out on a 'grandad' because my own dad can't be bothered. So my mum calls him grumpy for now (he is a bit grumpy and rather a nickname than his actual name lol), but I've said if my son wants to call him grandad thats fine but we'll go with the flow. When he's old enough to understand I'll explain it all to him

i lost my mum before having children. My step mum (who was the other woman in my parent’s divorce) is their Grandma! It breaks my heart that they will never know my mum, but they absolutely know that they are loved by their grandparents. They know all about my Mum too. As long as he is genuinely interested in your son, of course, you should encourage a relationship. I learnt a long time ago to live and let live. Life is far too short and (gently) it’s not about you, it’s about your son’s happiness. With time, it will get easier.

Well your interpretation but the t-shirts seem to me to be all about step "grandfather's" ego.

"It's OP's baby, that's what it's got to do with her. He isn't the paternal grandfather. OP's partner's dad is the paternal grandfather not his step-dad."

That's for the baby's father to work out.