Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

This is really odd and puts everything in a different light. By saying this, she really is suggesting that your DS doesn't have the full number of biological grandads, so her DH gets to be one, but since his biological nans are all alive, her ex's new partner doesn't get to be a nan too.

I'd say it should be all of them being named grandparents or just the biological ones, not some sort of mix defined by your DP's mum.

There are lots of grandparent names about, so if your dad would have chosen grandad, then that isn't available for someone else.

oh sweet heart.. I get it … my dad died three weeks before my DD was born so she will never know him nor he be able to say I am your grandad. My step dad calls himself Grandpa and dotes on her…. There are times when i watch them I want to pull her away and say you are not her grandfather… but that is my pain, my hurt.

I planted a tree in my garden for my dad and on sad days I take my DD and we have a chat to the tree. That helps me

Your child like my child is lucky to have so many grandparents that love them some are just in heaven . So don’t let your pain interfere with the people who adore you child now

I am remarried and my ex remarried.

Both my husband and his dad are Grandads and I am called one derivative of Nan and hi step mum is Granny. If you want step parents to treat you and your kids as family let them be called by "family" titles.

DD called her GFs wife by her first name. She was a Granny figure, but Granny died years previously.

I’m with you OP - your partner’s step-dad is not a GrandDad to your child. IME, grandparent titles are for blood family only. I have no objection in an extended and blended family to call step-grandparents by their name or Nanny Rose for example. Your Dad is GrandDad.

A child cannot have too many people to love him/her. My own grandchildren call their ‘step-grandparents’ Grandad and Grandma.

No skin off my nose (I will always be their Nanny 💖) I’m just glad that so many adults love them unconditionally and want to have a close and loving relationship with them.

@BlackBean2023 - nope.OP said partners mum says partners stepmum can’t be called nanny.

My step dad is grand dad. Sorry for your loss but I think it's lovely this man is stepping up to be your babies grand dad, I bet your dad would have been an sbaxi g grand dad but you can't stop your partners family wanting to be grand parents 💐

I'm starting to think this is more of a MIL issue than a Grandad issue! Laying down that she's the only 'Nanny' and probably buying all these clothes for 'Grandad' and 'Grandson'. Did she nab Grandad before DH's dad or did he choose to be Granpa. She sounds very competitive, which isn't Grandad's fault but I can see why it would get to you because it's part of a 'dynamic'. Can your DH's stepmum be Nanny name (Nanny Ann) or be Granny then it all seems much fairer.

"There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel"

Why would there be? He's the paternal grandfather. What's it got to do with you?

This.

This is so tough and I would
Feel the same in your shoes. I'm sorry 😢 and so sad your dad didn't get to meet his grandchild baby.
I think the only thing I can suggest to you is to make your son a little photo story book about your dad eg
'My grandad in heaven' (if you believe in heaven, or something else if you don't like 'my grandad whose love is in my heart') and use pictures of your dad and the things he used to do with you when you were a little girl. Use this to talk about him with your child.

Also, if grandad is the name you really wanted to use to talk about your own dad, then I think everyone in your family should honeour that. If step grandad is really a long term man that will be in your child's like forever even if he broke up with his wife then I think he could have a grandfather name to celebrate the love he has for your child. Step grandad could have another name (eg grandpa Joe or grandy or poppop).

I think a very sensitive email from your partner to his mum and step dad saying 'we love you both being active grandparents, something that has been very upsetting for op is that grandad is the name she had always planned to use for her own father and she still wants out baby to know all about him and refer to him as grandad. Please can we think of another grandfather name for you step grandad. How about xyz' they should be very happy to accommodate that, and your partner should email so it's not you put in the position to have to be upset and talk about your grief.

This is horribly dismissive of her grief. There is no 'at least' or 'silver cloud' about losing one's father.

This

The child has two granddads but sadly one has passed away. It seems unfair to say the remaining one can't be called that.

Would you prefer another term like Gramps? You could cultivate a nickname for him with your kid that he and you feel comfortable with. But I don't think you can stop him from referring to himself as granddad.

The fact he's your partners step dad doesn't really mean much. Presuming his birth father isn't around?

I'm sorry you lost your dad. I did too at a young age and it's really tough. But his memory can live on and he can still be granddad also when you talk about him to your child.

I think you handled this right as you didn't impose the baby or grandma name. If you heard that a new mum who'd just lost her own mum had wanted to call her late mum 'nanny' you wouldn't insist on being 'nanny' as well when there are so many other sweet names to pick, as you'd care about the new mums feelings. Just like people should care about ops feelings.
Op I'm sorry some people have been harsh and brutal to you in the comments here but your feelings are valid and it's ok to ask for them to be acknowledged by your family.

Op has already said her partners dad is called grandpa. So the step dad has taken on the name she had planned to refer to her own father by.

I understand that. I believe granddad can be used for two different people. But obviously if it's upsetting then she should say she doesn't want him to use it.

What's in a name? The role this man will play in your child's life is what's important here. Another loving adult in a child's life is not a bad thing.

It's probably not a battle I would put my energy into tbh. The more loving family, the better (for your DS and it provides support for you and your partner).

Oh OP, I really understand how you feel and it's okay to be sad. Having a child really does bring some emotions to the surface. My dad died when I was a teenager and FIL would always comment that he was the only granddad. That really hurt my feelings because it's not true - just because someone dies it doesn't mean they never existed. People with no experience of what you are feeling just won't understand the depth of hurt. I let it go, and my kids are older now - one is a teenager - and it's really not an issue anymore.

So I suggest acknowledging your hurt but pick your battles and let this one go. If stepFIL loves your DS then this will only benefit your DS when he gets older. Perhaps your stepFIL has felt on the outside of things in the past and really wants to be a part of family life. Trust me on this, it's much nicer and easier to have extended family who love your kids and want to pitch in. When your baby gets older, you can tell him all about his grandad. Maybe he'll even look a bit like him or do things that remind you of your dad. You have all those memories and you can be the one to keep your dad in his life. Be gentle with yourself. You had a baby three months ago - it's no time at all, and things can often feel very raw at this stage. Enjoy your lovely baby, tell him all about your dad now even if he doesn't understand. I think it will help you process.

Please let him be grandad. My nans husband is great grandad and hes the best, although not a blood relation. My boy loves him so much. The more love the better.
He can have multiple grandads, grandmas, aunties, uncles, they don't have to be blood relations but bringing them up knowing that these people are special and care for them is lovely, especially if you are missing some blood relatives as we are.

I'd suggest you talk to him and explain how raw you still feel about your dad's death. Ask that he not refer to himself as Grandad but something else that's less specific but still nice. Something that includes his own name perhaps to differentiate him from a grandfather that is a blood relative. So if his name is Robert he could be Robbiegramps or similar?

I’m sorry for your loss.

However, even if your dad was still alive, the stepdad would have been a grandparent to your child. I could understand it may be a bit ott if he were a new partner, but not if he’s been in your dh’s life a long time.

If you don’t want to use the phrase ‘grandad’ , come up with another name - Gramps etc.

I understand you @OP, just don't come back on here when the small matter of step dad's will/inheritance comes up.