Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

My DH has grandparents who are divorced and remarried. They remarried before he was born so he’s always known three sets of grandparents (his father’s parents, his mum’s mum and step dad, and his mum’s dad and step mum) and because they’ve always been around and in the grandparent role, he views them all as his grandparents.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of your partner’s family to refer to him that way.

Kindly op be pleased your partners step dad wants to be a part of your child’s life.

I do understand OP, it must be very difficult for you having lost your dad. But it's just a name, your little one is lucky that he wants to be their grandparent. My grandad was my mums stepdaughter but my sister and I absolutely loved him. My dh stepdad is know to our dc as grandad. My dh dad died before they were born as well. I'm sorry for your loss.

One of my granddads is my step grandad, I think I've always been aware of it. And my baby has three granddads as my partner's mum and dad have split up. My partner suggested we call his mum's new partner grandad and I think it has meant a lot to them. But I can understand being hurt that there was no conversation with you first.

Your partner's mum and step-dad do seem to be pushing this to a ridiculous extent. Buying your baby a t-shirt with 'Grandad's boy' on it and wearing a Grandad t-shirt himself is going over the top in a way that I've never seen biological grandads do. Are they trying to prove a point?

Your MIL is being hypocritical. She insists on her DH being called 'Grandad' but doesn't allow your partner's step-mum to be called Nan or Nanny. That isn't your MIL's decision. It sounds as though your MIL is the one really pushing the idea of your partner's step-dad being a grandad by buying the clothes with Grandad slogans on. She is being insensitive and your partner should say something.

I think k it’s lovely that they are excited about your LO and want to be involved. Please don’t ruin those feeling for them, it will be lovely for your LO to grow up having doting DGC.

Im so sorry that you’ve lost your own DF in such an awful way. It sounds as though it would have been traumatic and having your own LO will naturally make you reflect on not having your DF around.

Have you accessed any grief counselling after your DF died or before you had DS?

I get why it's hard for you, but this is one of those parenting situations where you have to put aside your own feelings and realise it's a good thing that your child has a grandad who adores him, blood related or not.

You are grieving your dad and longing for him to be with the grandchild he never met. That’s so hard for you.
And quite separately your DP has a stepdad who has love to offer your baby. Not a blood relation and not your beloved dad. He’s a step granddad on your partners side.

I’m sorry for your loss, I understand it would be painful and I’m in a similar position. My own father passed away when I was 29, before I had DD. I hadn’t even met DH at the time, so it’s painful knowing that we both missed out and I’ll never have those memories.
MIL is divorced, has a partner, FIL has mild dementia neither are overly involved with DD. I wish that DD had a grandfather figure.
The more good, positive role models your children have around them, no matter what they’re called is great.
DH and I are both only children so no brother/sister and thus no aunty /uncle. I’ve a good friend who is ‘aunty’ instead.

I would try to put your grief to one side and let the ‘grandad’ have his moment.

When your child is older you can tell them about your dad, what he did, what he was like, what he enjoyed, what a great man and father he was.
Create some memories that way.

i have a SD and SM as well as my mum and dad and they are all Grandad Name and Mama name .. my DD to call them all Mama even though we have always referred to them as Nanan or Grandmother never managed to change that and they are all Mama .. not even sure where it came from!! But we don’t differentiate differently as far as I’m concerned they are all grandparents.

I am so sorry for your loss but wouldn't you rather your son have people in his life who love him and want to fulfil that role of grandparent? My stepdad is the best Grandad I could ever ask for, for my children and my grandchildren. As long as he isn't a monster of a man I really don't see the issue of why he can't be grandad. I understand the upset from not having your dad but embrace this relationship, don't ruin it. The more decent people you have in all your lives can only be a good thing.

As someone who has experienced crippling grief, I know this is going to sound harsh... but you are being unreasonable.
You're saying you want your grief to take priority over a healthy happy bond between your child and their grandparents.
Step parents are real parents. Your triggers are your responsibility.

Sorry for the last of your dad I know how heart breaking it can be to lose a parent. I think that even if your Dad had still been alive your partners stepdad would still be Granddad to your little one. I wonder if your fixating on your partners stepdad being a grandad to your little one as your grieving that your Dad isn’t there to be a granddad to your child as well?

Creepy and with all the slogan clothing, insensitive of your loss.

As long as he is kind and treats your son as a grandad should, why would you want to deprive him of a loving grandparent?
I understand it’s difficult for you but if this man brings happiness to your son then I think you need to find a way to mange your feelings on the situation for sake of him. You can explain the situation to him more when he’s older. My daughters never got to meet their grandad (on my husband’s side) but we have photos of him and have explained who he is to them. My dad remarried and she is known to my two as Grandma ‘name’.

I think this is a you problem!
My grandma and grandad on my dad's side died before I was born - they were still my grandparents I still call them grandma and grandad and know all about them through photos and stories.
My kids have 4 sets of Grandparents my parents, my ex's parents and our new spouses parents.

I'm sorry for your loss OP ❤️
I think it is becoming more and more normal for children to have extra grandparents with step parents in our families increasingly and its not a bad thing. Children can't have too much love or too many family members looking after them.
Explain to your son as he gets older about your dad, tell him all about him, show him pictures, tell stories etc. Your partners stepdad being a grandad doesn't over write your dad being his Granddad too. My dad's mum passed away well before I was born when my dad was only a teenager and when I talk about her I'll say granny as I know that means a lot to him.

I am a step mum. I couldn't have my own children. Our grand children have 3 sets of grand parents. My step daughter wanted me to have a grand parents name, not my own name, it meant a lot to her and so much to me.

My brother's daughters made up a cute name for mum's partner when they were little. Something like 'Gaffer'. Because my late dad was always referred to as Grandad and they knew who he was, though they never met him; they would point at his photo and say 'that's Grandad'.

They were always clear about who was who.

You and your husband should have a word with them together as a united front and say that together you have decided that your late father will be referred to as Grandad. Make it clear that you had already thought of your dad by that name; that the name belongs to him, and that this is important to your family to keep his memory.

Invite him to come up with another name that is not already taken in your heart.

Gramps grampy grandpa gaffer grandpop ...

I get this to a point. I had a dad and I’ve got a step dad who’s been in my life nearly more than half of my life and all of the children’s in our family so whilst he isn’t a blood grandad our children call him grumps, it’s giving him a title without taking anything away from bio grandparents x

I’m on my third dad! My own dad left when I was a baby, not really in the picture, more like a distant uncle that sends me money now and again. My stepdad from age 3-25 divorced my psychotic mum and decided to have nothing to do non -bio kids. My mum has remarried again. As I am LC/NC with her, then I don’t really have a relationship with my stepdad. But my DS does. My dad is called Bamps (Welsh) and current stepdad is gramps.

DH family is normal so has nanny and grandad. But my mum is also Nanny and also by beloved Nan RIP was also nanny. So DS has 3 nans. It’s fine.

My mum’s parents were divorced and I didn’t meet her bio dad and step mum until I was maybe 8 or 9. It felt weird having new grandparents. I called bio grandad Grandad but not his wife. He did ask me to call her nana (not nanny) but I couldn’t and I regret it as it did hurt her when she was trying to accept my mum and new grandkids into her family with grace. So will you saying stepdad can’t be grandad hurt him. Particularly if he has been stepdad for a long time. Is it actually worth upsetting the family that are living?

just get your kid to call them something. Say we are going to see Nanny and Gramps today.

the one that doesn’t want to be called anything is isolating herself as she doesn’t want to be that associated with her step grandkid by the sounds of it.

yes it’s sad that your dad isn’t around but you can still talk about him to your kid and call him grandad when you show pics

As harsh as this sounds you just need to accept that your dad wasn’t a living grandad to your son. I have lost a husband and I have two kids and if you do all the what ifs and should have beens then your head will be a mess forever.

is your issue more that you don’t want an non blood relative to be calling your kid grandson and vice Versa as that’s a much better point to make if you feel like that. But if he was the blood grandad then you wouldn’t have any argument at all.

I’m so sorry for your loss but in the gentlest possible way, yabu. Even if your dad had been alive, your partners stepdad could still have been called something. Would you have been against it if your dad had still been alive? And it’s not just your call anyway, your partner also gets a say.
It might be different if your partners mum had had a succession of boyfriends and this was only a new relationship. But I get the feeling this is not the case and it’s a long term relationship?
Do you like this man? Is he good to your mil and the family? Are you comfortable around him? Does he maintain contact with you all and can you be confident this isn’t all just for show and he’s not caught up in the novelty of being called granddad? I mean I’d be bothered if someone took nothing to do with me ordinarily and was suddenly all singing all dancing once a baby arrived, but I’d feel like that about anyone.
I can totally understand why hearing him call himself grandad might be bit of a trigger for you in terms of your sad loss and your own dad not getting to do that. Could your partner ask him or get his mum to ask him to tone it down a little and be more sensitive to the fact that you are feeling vulnerable and missing your dad? They don’t have to make such a big show of it. That’s why I’m saying, I hope this isn’t all just a performance. He can be a good grandad figure in a quieter more sensitive way, by being there for you all and supporting you.
Is there a way your could honour and remember your dad? Why don’t you do a photo of your dad alongside your DC in Grandad/papa/grandpa frame or something similar?

Gently, yabu. My grandad was technically my step grandad, married my gran when my mum was 13, she never called him dad but he was grandad from day 1 and he was my favourite person in the world. I still miss him every day. Don’t take this away from him, and your partners step mum should be allowed to be called gran/nan as well if she’s been around for a while.
The more family around to love a child, the better.