Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

I am sorry for your loss I've recently lost my dad and it's awful. I totally get the grief and sense of your dad missing out but if he had lived would you have had an issue with stepdad being a grandad?
I think it's a little unreasonable to not expect your partners stepdad to be acknowledged as grandad as that's the role he will have. What would you have him called as an alternative?

The novelty will wear off; meanwhile be grateful that these people love your child.

My dad died 24 years ago and it still hurts. I hope you can access more counseling for your grief. 💐

his wife isn’t known as Nan, as my partners Mum said that my son already has his Nanny’s

That really isn't her call to make!

it might help to look at the words used. Grand father is what your dad would have been. step grand father is what your partners mothers spouse is. but he can be granddad too because Grandad is a role, and one he looks to want to fill?

my mother never stopped my step grand father being called grandad. He married my gran not long before I was born and had no part in raising my mother. I remember when he died I was told by my mother I shouldn’t be so upset he wasn’t my real grandfather. It was so incredibly hurtful. My grandfather was apparently an amazing father to my mother but I never knew him, all I knew was I loved the man who had filled the grandad role. And notice I call my mother ‘mother’ she is my mother but my mum was someone else

My kids call my husbands step mother Nanny firstname. DH mother is called Nanny. My mother is dead.
My kids also had 4 great grandmothers. 3 were Nanny first names and the other something else. 2 have since passed away.

I can’t change the fact my mother’s dead. It is what it is. We don’t see the others often as they live a distance away but I’m grateful that my kids have all these grandparents, step grandparents and great grandparents in their lives. Lots of people who love them, their lives are better for it.

This. My children have a step grandparent who is great with them. He is grandad as far as they are concerned and has been a huge bonus in their lives.

My kids have 3 grandads, 2 nanny’s and a granny. Having more than one doesn’t overshadow the others. Your child will still know your dad from you talking about him. I never met my grandad on my mums side as he died before I was born but I know all about him through my mum and my granny (now also sadly no longer with us)
Dont let your grief ruin a lovely relationship for your child. The more people who love our kids the better

That seems like a reasonable solution, and what I would do in this situation.

As a step granny, I am delighted my (step) DIL asked what I wanted to be called and encouraged the children to treat me the same as they treat their grandad (my husband). I adore my SGC and ultimately think that my love for them can't be a bad thing.

Crikey this makes a refreshing change from what you usually read on MN where stepparents are generally viewed as scum.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. It’s nice so many people love him and really it’s just a name isn’t it? I think it will be a very awkward conversation for you/your Dh to have and I’d question if it’s worth the upset to be honest.

I think your partners stepdad is lovely to be taking on the role of a grandparent. That's a loving thing to do, especially when he is not blood related. The more positive and caring adults in your child's life, the better.

I can see why you're upset though but your grief and anger need to be dealt with. Your dad dying and your partners stepdads involvement are separate, although i see in your mind how they overlap. I dont think stepgrandad means any harm.Perhaps you feel some kind of guilt, or internal struggle.

I've heard fantastic reviews about bereavement counselling. Maybe you should find someone to help you make sense of it all. You need to be able to let go and move forward.

Would you feel this way if he was DP’s biological dad? Many of us are brought up by “step dads” who stepped up and are considered dads; is your partner the same? If so, you need to be respectful towards him and his wishes as your baby’s dad! Respectfully, I think you’re being oversensitive here. I appreciate that it must be so awfully tough, but based on the info you’ve given, I don’t see that anyone has done anything wrong here.

My husband’s stepfather is called Grandpa X. My own father died when my kids were small, my other FIL not that long after. I’m happy my kids have grown up with at least one grandfather (who was not nearly as involved as the one you speak about) even if not blood related.
Think how much your child will benefit from this relationship. And calling him grandad recognises the specialness of it.

I get the impression your DP is ok with his stepdad being called grandad? If this is correct YABU

My DC have 5 nanny’s, one granny (DH grandmother) a Grampy, a Grampa, a Grandad, a Bampy and a Pop.

They are loved by them all, irrelevant of whether they are blood or not.

A

That’s not her call to make and is quite hypocritical of her, really.

Your child might lose all their grandparents before it becomes an issue (as happened with my grandmothers) so I only had my step grandmother. I called her Granny as my other granny had died before I was born. I am so happy I had her in my life (and my children's lives as she lived to 98). I'm glad she fgot to choose her name.

I’m sorry yabu. I understand you are devastated that your dad never got to be a grandad but I think it is lovely that your fil wants to be grandad. My dh’s father died before 2 of my children were born. He would have been grandad. My father is still grandad even though my dh’s father isn’t here.
As long as he is kind and lovely too your son then it’s lovely your son has so much family to love him.

I actually think that’s massively tactless - your sons step-grandma can’t be nanny as he has nanny’s already but step-grandpa can be grandad as he’s the only one. I’m sure she’s not done it on purpose, and it’s likely just thoughtless phrasing rather than any malice, but I’d say to them if you’re not happy for partners step mum to be a nanny, then his step dad shouldn’t be grandad.

And (hopefully unintentionally) cruel - stepdad can be grandad as the baby hasn’t got any others. I can well imagine to OP it feels like she’s sticking the boot in with that comment.

That's not fair. Should be both the same.

@RealBee I totally get how you feel, your loss is still so new and things like this will bring it all back.

I found it hard that my Dad remarried after my mum died and she was going to be the only Grandma on my side my kids ever new and that was a good 10 years after my mum had died. We kind of naturally settled on her being Grandma Jane (not actual name) and my sisters kids who are the same age as mine also call her that. It seemed like a natural compromise especially as she was always just Jane to me and my sister.

Many years later I do appreciate that they have someone in their lives that care about them, even if it's not my mum. But you just need to go gently on yourself as especially this early after losing your Dad many things you will find difficult.

YABU. It's sad your father died and you are now grieving again due to having your lovely baby. My granddaughter has 3 grandads as I remarried and DH has been in our lives a long time. When the grief begins to ease you may feel differently. Maybe let DH and baby go alone to his parents until you feel less fragile. It takes a village ....

YABU. I understand your pain but try to think of it from your child’s point of view. I was very happy that my step-grandmother wanted to be a grandma to me as both my biological grandmothers died before I was born and both grandfathers were in poor health. She didn’t play a Mum role to my Dad as he was already an adult when she married my granddad but she was always grandma to me and the one I remember most fondly when I think of my grandparents. I called her grandma and my parents referred to her as grandma X (her name) or just by her first name.