Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

My Dad died at 51 so never got to give me away or be a grandad....my mum has a new partner and both my children call him grandad, my Dad is Angel Grandad.....being a Grandad isn't just blood, it's a whole lot more and if I can't have my dad here to fill that role then I couldn't ask for a better replacement

I'm so sorry for your loss. Of course that is very hard and sad that your dad is not here for you or his grandson.

However, and I mean this kindly, you are not separating the fact that this man is your partner's father/step father and therefore he IS grandad/step grandad to your partner's child. I think the step dad would likely feel devastated that he is not being allowed to be seen as the grandad/step grandad. I think your understandable grief is really clouding the situation here. Your son should have two granddads, one being step technically, sadly he only has one but he does still have one.

Sending love x

It's quite common that grandparents are given different names as it helps the gc differentiate between them. I have gc from 2 of my dd and I am known as nanny. The other gp have different names. In our case 2 out of the 3 gf's are not English and go by the name in their language. 2 out of the gm's are English, including me and the other one has decided to take the grandma name in her dh's language.

If this is someone in a long term relationship with your partner's mum, who is a stepdad to your partner he is a grandad figure to your son.
I grew up with 3 sets of grandparents because my mum's parents had divorced and both remarried before I was born. The only one I didn't call gran/grandpa or similar was my mum's mum's giant but he showed absolutely no interest in us, and he wasn't very nice to my nan either.
My mum's step mum has always been my gran and we are very close, I would never refer to her as anything other than my gran and ds calls her grandma and knows she is his great gran, she's in her eighties now I still talk to her all the time and she comes to stay with us for visits.

My husband has a stepfather who had been in his life since he was two, he is grandad to DS and dad to DH.

I think your grief is colouring this for you.

This is someone who loves and adores your child.

it’s not his fault your father died.

your reaction is unusually strong. Are you perhaps in need of some grief counselling?

honestly I think you are being unreasonable and unfair

I've been in this situation. It's hard. But also better to have him step up and want to be part of it. Imagine if it was the opposite way around? He wanted nothing to do with your son? Hide that sore spot of your heart. Talk about your dad as grandad steve etc and step as grandad paul, or whatever he is called. This will honestly get easier with time.

Sorry you are finding this hard. I would say that it is your child that is most important, is it not better for him to have a grandad? I think it's lovely that partners step-dad sees him as his grandson, I wouldn't want to deprive my child of that. My only grandad was my mums step-dad, he was one of the most important people in my life and I have so many good memories and learned a lot from him.

Your child has one more person to love them and be involved in their life. Many people have strong bonds with people who aren’t related by blood, but through marriage/relationships and it’s a nice thing. I wouldn’t cause bad feeling over this. At the end of the day your child will develop their own relationships with their grandparents and step grandparent, and maybe even become closer to one than another regardless of blood. Think of how many people use the term aunt and uncle for people who aren’t their blood relatives, but the spouse of their blood aunts and uncles and this is considered really normal. I think if the child knows someone from birth they are unlikely to differentiate and just see them as a grandparent or whatever relationship it is.

This.

get some therapy and say nothing to your partner’s family.

How lovely that they see your child as family and are loving and giving.

Your grief for your father is understandable but your resentment of these decent people is nasty.

YABU. Children have 2 granddads. It is not like your mum has re-married and the new bloke is asking that You are not just barking up the wrong tree, you are barking at the wrong forest.

There was the same situation in DH's family, so they used different names for different people. There was Grandfather, Grandad, and the step grandparent was GrandPa X. He wanted to be involved and played a great part in the grandchildren's lives. The step grandmother was called by her name, but she wasn't much involved at all.

Such a lovely post. My father died when I was a teenager. My in-laws were very respective of this and understood that I couldn't call my FIL dad like some people do, nor even write my name in cards to FIL, my DH used to write my name for me.

It's your grief, you must be allowed to deal with it in your way

Kindly, this is your grief talking. It sounds like you are mourning your dad not being around to see your son. This isn’t really related to what your son will or will not call your partners stepdad.

For what it’s worth, my children have 3 grandads. I have a stepdad that they call grandad as well as their biological granddads (well they all have slightly different variations of “grandad”). I’ve never thought of my stepdad as a father figure as he met and married my mum once I was already an adult. He’s a nice man but I’m not particularly close to him. But he dotes on my children. As your son grows, you will be pleased for him to have many family members loving him, spoiling him and him loving them back as possible. Don’t make a big thing of this now.

My Mum lost her own mother when she was 13. Her Dad (my grandad, obviously) remarried a few years later and his wife was the only grandma (my Dad's mother died before I was born, too) I ever knew. My Mum and my Dad had zero problems with her calling herself my grandma and she was more of a grandparent to me than either of my grandads.

It's for your child(ren) that you should be happy for stepdad to be called grandad.

It's dreadfully sad that your father died before you had your son and therefore you can't see him be a grandad, however the more love your baby has in his family the better.

It sounds like your partner's stepdad has embraced both your partner and your son in his role as stepdad and step grandad. If there's no other issues with him then when it comes to people who love your child, the more the merrier. My son has three grandads and there are two step father's on the scene, one biological grandad and one not with us. Not conventional but that's ok, he gets three lovely grandads to dote on him.

I grew up with two step-grandads (both my original Grandpa's died before I was born and both my Nans remarried.

One of them was very hands off, and we called him by his first name. The other treated me as he did his own grandkids, and so he was Grandpa.

No, we weren't related in any way but in every way that mattered he was my Grandpa. Until he died last year we have a closer relationship than Indo with my own father.

That doesn't make him a replacement for my "real" grandpa's though. Though I never met them, I've still grown up hearing all about them, seen photos of them, and sometimes wish I'd got the chance to meet them, because they sounded like really good people and my Mum's dad in particular sounds like a very similar man to me.

Grandparent isn't a name, it's a signifier of a particular role, and we all have multiple people who fulfill that role. Your partner's stepdad seems like he'd really like to be one of the people to fulfill that role, and surely that can only be good for your child.

Op I'm sorry for your loss. But I think it's wonderful that your husbands step dad is treating your son as his own and is excited to be a grandparent to him. It won't replace your Dad. All children can't have too much love surely! He's blessed to have grandparents, even though he will miss out on your Dad. But as he's older you can tell him all about your Dad and show him photos etc.

My son calls my stepdad grandad and my mum and stepdad haven't been married that long. My stepdad adores him and I wouldn't take that away from either of them. To my son that's his grandad and all that matters to me is that my son feels loved by the people around him. I can't imagine how hard it is for you but I think you are having issues dealing with your emotions and you might regret making a thing of this in a few years.

I am so sorry for the loss of your DF, OP.

Grief shatters us and comes roaring back around life’s milestones. It is only natural that this bothers you.

But I agree with the majority. Your main problem seems to be that your DF is gone, not that DP’s stepfather has done anything wrong. If he is an important person in DP’s life I would perhaps discuss using a name like
‘Grandpa George’, but nothing more. This will help his relationship with your beloved baby.

DP’s mum is a different story. She is quite the hypocrite to want her husband to be Grandad whilst attempting to forbid her ex’s partner from a similar status. I would ask the woman whether she’d like to be a Nana (or whatever) and explain that we found Mum’s edict over the top.

OR…. You could get your way be saying equal status for the partners of DP’s parents is the guiding principle. If she isn’t to be a Nana (eg Nana Anna), he should have the same status. Make MIL the bad guy. Because she is.

You’ve had some great understanding and compassionate advice here.
Your partners step dad sounds like he adores your DS. By calling him step dad you are acknowledging him as a parent to your DP so the natural progression will be he becomes GP to your DS.
I don’t think you should say anything to them as they have done nothing wrong. Perhaps if you are close to MIL you could chat about how much you miss your father and tell her how difficult it is for you to enter into parenthood without him.
Keep engaging with grief counselling to help you through these strong emotions.

Grandad isn't a title that would have been reserved just for your dad, if he was still alive. Most kids have a "Grandad X" and "Grandad Y" and a "Nana W", "Nana Z" etc. It takes nothing away from your dad's memory for your son to have another grandad. I think this is unresolved grief talking, and second the posters who think you should talk to someone about your feelings.

I would wait and see what name your child comes up with. Nadad or Gangam or whatever Then stick with that, all the while calling him grandad John or whatever , so by the time he's ready to drop the baby name it sticks as Grandad John

You should feel blessed that he wants to be part of your child's life and treat them like family. I am sorry for you loss but you need to grow up and consider the feelings of everyone else involved.

Sorry for your loss OP but I think YABU.
My partner is known as Grandad to my daughters child, even though my ex is also Grandad.
I think it's a nice thing for him to be included. Kids have more grandparents these days.