Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

I was raised my by step-grandad to the point I only think of him as my actual grandad. He is my daughter's great-grandfather. I think YABU. Why does blood matter so much to you? It's not their fault your dad died, however hard it is for you what's that got to do with his stepdad actually?

To be fair I only saw that after I commented. She should have have put that in the OP. I guess she can suggest another grafter kinda name instead of a blanket no.

The issue is her DH's father is alive so he does have a grandad. He also remarried yet OP's mother in law doesn't want the stepmother of her son to be called nanny, how is that fair?

So he can have a bio granddad and a step granddad? And yes it is unfair not the allow stepmother to be called nanny (and not up to MIL anyway). I mean I've got aunties and cousins that aren't blood related but I still call them by those names.... Just don't get the big deal some people make about these things.

By what logic does the Mum think, in that case, that it's fine for her partner to be Grandad?

ETA Sounds as though your MIL is a bit controlling, OP.

You can't have too many people to love a child, and someone in that grandad role will never, ever take away from your dad.

I understand it's hard, but it's more about your son than you now.

To have 3 grandads is not that unusual these days. We always called my husband's mum's partner (not married) grandad as he helped bring him and his siblings up (at least financially supporting) and the biological dad had not been on the scene for years. I felt he deserved to be called grandad and just automatically referred to him as such - no conversation took place - although my husband never called him dad as such but had a nickname for him so not quite the same as using a first name.

Later my dad remarried (my mum died) though when my kids were still young and could have been part of their lives but showed no interest in them (horrible woman) and was just referred to by her first name. I know it's tricky but I think that I would let him be grandad if he is a good man.

Well actually from what the OP has posted it's all about the step "grandfather" and her mother-in-law.

So you are happy for DHs bio dad to be grandad just not the step father?

Oh my god! My nan had a lodger when I was little. Stan, I clearly remember him and he left my DB his Rolex watch when he died. I have never considered why we were all so close to her lodger and why he was considered family until reading your post.
I just called my DM and asked her if Stan was actually nan’s boyfriend all those years ago and she just laughed and said of course he was! How could I have not realised this till now?! 😂

Awww that's brilliant, that's really made me laugh. And a mystery solved! Thanks for sharing that 😊

I agree with you. It should be your decision (joint with your partner) as to how grandparents are named. I am so sorry to hear about your dad, your in laws are being very insensitive but also, I feel, very territorial about your baby. I would find it irksome and it would make me unpleasant ( in my head not to anyone’s knowledge). Try not to be like me, it is not good, ignore if you can. Once your baby starts to speak you may find he renames, bumpa, that kind of thing, that will be your opportunity to encourage a name of your preference. Much love.

RealBee - I just want to send you a virtual hug, I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. Three years ago is still raw, IME.

I hear you! My mum and dad separated when I was in my early 20s My mum moved on and met my step dad. They are now married and he's a good husband to my Mum. I got out of a 15yr abusive relationship 2015, met my now fiance in May of 2016, lost my Dad to a bad accident July of the same year. It broke me. I had a very good relationship with my Dad and he'd been a good one my whole life. He was an amazing grandad to my oldest son who was 11 when he died. They really were best friends. 2017 I had another son. My stepdad really stepped up to the mark with this baby. I did feel a bit of betrayal towards my Dad but really took some time to think that if my stepdad didn't step into this role my son would never know what it is to have a grandad as both of his biological ones died before he was born, and my step dad was there and desperate to have this relationship with him. It was the best decision I made. My son is now 7 and his 'grandad' is truly his best friend. They have the most beautiful relationship that I now know I would have deprived him of this had I not allowed my stepdad to fulfil this role. It's also helped me out no end when I've needed help with someone to look after him so I could work. They play golf and fix cars together. He's just so happy to be with his grandad wherever, whatever.

I know this is hard for you, I found it hard too, but if this man is a good man and likely to be a permanent fixture in your life, a good role model and he loves your son...maybe try to think about this from your son's perspective as he grows and put your own feelings aside on this one. An extra person to love and support him could really benefit him...and you too!

I now have a grandbaby of my own and I know if I passed away and my partner met someone else, if she cared for him and loved him I would want this for my grandson... because kids need all the love they can get!

I totally get where you are coming from, it’s hard as fuck to even hear the word grandad since my lovely dad passed away.

When you speak to your little one about your Dad, Do you call him grandad?
If yes, perhaps you could steer your partners stepfather in the direction of a different grandfather name like Papa or something like that?

And just a friendly heads up that if your little one ever starts watching Bluey and you see the ‘grandad’ episode coming on, please skip it unless you are feeling very emotionally strong that day.

The OP isn't seeking to deny step "grandfather" having a relationship with her son. There's more to developing the sort of relationship you've described than dictating to a new mother how this man is referred to and getting his own way.

Honestly, this all sounds like MIL being in competition with her ex-husband, OP's partner's dad. She won't allow his wife to be called Nanny or Nana and decides that she will just be called by her first name, but not only insists on her partner being called grandad, but buys t-shirts for him and OP's baby with tacky Grandad and Grandad's Boy slogans on. They are very much marking their territory.

Agreed. That was very much the situation that I found myself in with DH's ex. I reacted by refusing to compete.

When the ex's first partner died, the ex quickly found a widower - DH's friend, as it happens

Dh's friend informed my husband that an attempt had been made for the friend/new partner to become the next 'Grandad', but he'd declined.

That relationship lasted until the partner died. Less than a year later, the ex had another widower. My husband's rueful comment to me was "Well, that'll be another Grandad then."

Based on my own experiences, I'd say that the OP needs to be wary of her MIL.

My dad died when I was 16 before I had kids. I still feel upset seeing my kids call my partners real dad granddad, more than that, I feel upset every time he comes over and I have to watch my kids love him so much knowing how much my dad would have doted on them and never got to meet them. My partner also has a stepdad that they call granddad too. It’s very hard but I’m saying this kindly, don’t let your grief and upset over your own father’s death affect your kids relationships with their remaining grandparents.

My kids have different dads. Oldest DD's paternal grandmother was amazing when I was struggling in the early years. Youngest DD has paternal grandparents but they live in another area (and another country for a big chunk of the year) and DD's grandmother was a massive help with youngest too, despite not having any blood ties. Youngest DD calls her 'Grandma Emily' and she's still a big part of her life.
It takes a village etc etc and the more good people in your child's life, the more beneficial it is for him.
This man is connected whether you like that or not. He's your partner's family and therefore he's your son's family.
Im so sorry you lost your Dad so young. I do know how unfair it must seem but you can keep his memory alive by always talking about him and telling your son about him. My mum lost her Dad when she was 7 but I know so much about who he was and what a lovely man he was because we've always known about him.
I think this is a grief reaction combined with post natal depression. Have you talked to your health visitor about maybe getting g some support?
In a few years time it won't seem like a big deal at all but don't deny your son the chance to bond with another grandparent figure, even if he's not a blood relative. xx

Kindly OP I think YABU. I also lost my Dad to a brain tumour back in 2016 and my poor sister had a 2 month old baby at the time and, as a single parent (now), she's raising an 8 year old son with SEN and he has zero grandparents plus a very small wider family. only child etc. Embrace what you have left and try to move past this. Children dont really care who is actual family abd should is a close family friend etc. They just want people to spend time with them & play with them.

The OP hasn't said anything to suggest she will prevent step "grandfather" seeing or building up a relationship with her son, so what is the point of all this hand wringing?

Personally I think turning up in a t-shirt proclaiming he's "grandad" is crass, insenstitive and lacking in empathy.

I think you should only be called grandad if the child's parent calls you dad.

so what is the point of all this hand wringing

And to be clear I meant it's posters on here doing the hand wringing, not the OP.

@IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle Particularly so when this self-labelling grandad's partner has vetoed her ex's new partner from being 'Nanny'.

I missed that aspect the first time that I read the OP's posts. There's more than the OP's grief to deal with here - she's stuck with a controlling, manipulative [the t-shirt] MIL.

I wonder what the MIL would say if the OP and her partner were to inform her that her ex's new wife must be 'Nan' if her partner is going to be 'Grandad'?

I’m so sorry for your loss, it’s hard and especially at significant life events when that loss can feel so deep. I’ve lost both my parents and they have missed many significant life events. Personally I’ve always felt so happy my dc have gps and family from their Dads side who love them, support them and are always there for them and I think I appreciate them more. We keep my parents alive by always speaking about them.

It sounds like your grief is still raw for your dad. I understand this, especially in the months after having a new baby. I think you should ask your partner to speak to them and just get them to tone it down a bit right now. As others have said, if the stepdad has been around a while, it is the norm to have him as a grandad. My kids have four sets of grandparents (my dad is also deceased but they call my stepmum granny). In the long run it’s great for your children to have more people around who care for them and it’s great for you to have grandparents who can help. It’s takes a village. If it’s any consolation, both my grandads had passed when I was born, my grandma never remarried but my nanna did. I never really felt that close to her husband despite people calling him grandad. I got closer to my actual grandad when I went on a trip to New Zealand two years ago. I followed the path he took with my dad all those years ago when they emigrated. The two houses he built both had views of the sea and Mount Manganui. As I stood on the drive looking out to sea I had a strong feeling of who he had been and what had mattered to him. Also, your children will know your dad through you because you will talk about him. Sending lots of love.