Partners stepdad wants my baby to call him Grandad

[RealBee]

Let me fill you in, my dad died 3 years ago of a brain tumour. Since then I’ve met my partner and we’ve had our son. My partners stepdad calls himself Grandad and so does my partners Mum. I find this so difficult especially as my Dad will never get to be called Grandad and that his stepdad is not his Grandad. There is no sympathy or empathy towards how I feel and no one ever had the conversation with me about what the stepdad was going to be called during my pregnancy. It all came too much last night when they bought my son a T-shirt with ‘Grandads boy’ on it and the stepdad sat in my living room with a ‘Grandad’ T-shirt on. I couldn’t cope and broke down to my partner. My partner says he understands but then also hasn’t said anything to them to say it’s hard for me. He says I need to speak to them myself so they can see how emotional it makes me. I’m so upset and angry by it and I completely resent the step dad and my partners mom at the moment because of this. My son is only 3 months old and I’m trying my hardest to keep any emotion about it away from him.
Advice and opinions welcome please.

Your child is 3 months old it's very likely as they get older and start to talk that she won't still be called by her name and instead called nanny, nonna, granny or any other variation or term of endearment.

It also still doesn't mean his stepdad can't go by a grandparent name he will still have that relationship with your child.

I have received counselling before for my grief, I am speaking to the gp about other options for grief support. Please note I don’t let it come between their relationship with my son. I keep my struggles away and very separate. I do believe it’s important for him to embrace family and he’s lucky to have so many people who love him.

Is your partner close to him?
What does he actually think?

My Stepdad got called Grandad “John”. Would that work?

If all the step grandparents are in long term relationships then I’d be calling all of them grandad or granny ( whatever) . Your MIL can’t have it both ways so if she wants her partner to be a grandad then your partners step mum also gets to be called Granny . None of this makes up for you losing your dad , but nothing will . I lost my dad when I was 23 , pre having any kids and I know how you feel . We didn’t have any step grandparents involved but I didn’t get on with my In-laws and calling FIL grandad stuck in my craw because he was bloody horrible and my own dad would have been a brilliant grandad .

they have a relationship but it’s forced more by his mum. As my partner sees his own dad and they have a lot in common. The relationship between the mum and dad wasn’t great when my partner was a child and it now seems to be competition about who has done more for my partner… very immature but part of me feels this way about the grandad issue. Both are involved and there shouldn’t be competition.
my partner is the most amazing, understanding man. He completely gets where I am coming from and understands why I struggle. But I don’t want to talk to him about it all the time as it’s his family and I need to sort out my own emotions first and be rational.

Is he a good man?
Is it the name Grandad? Is that it? Would a different name help? Granpa or similar?

You can never have too many grandparents.

Many step parents are an improvement on the real thing! Don't push your partner's stepdad away. He obviously cares.

I find it rather odd that they are insisting on which title to use! The actual nickname your child chooses may be different. Until then, use their first names as you always have.

I had three grandads as a child. Grandad Roy, grandad Ray, and grandad Martin (names changed). They all had the same title. The only occasional confusion was over Ray and Roy's names being similar.

And sell/charity shop/recycle the t-shirt like you would any unwanted gift.

Op can I ask, what do you think your dad would say about it all?

I understand it is tough for you, but I think step-father is in his rights to be 'grandad' because, although it's not what you wanted, he will be the only one your DS knows.

My grandfather remarried after being widowed and his second wife's older grandkids had known their grandfather, who died around the same time as my grandmother. So they always called my grandfather 'Uncle [Name]' and they had a wonderful relationship with him, to the point one named his first child after him a few years after my grandfather's death

I think where there was a living biological grandparent where one had remarried that its incumbent upon the step grandparent to consult on what they might be called by step-grandchildren, but I don't think it's a massive assumption to take that you will be grandma/grandpa if the person who would have taken that title is no longer there. Though, as I said, obviously it's going to be hard when you wish it was your dad that got to be Grandad, but I think you will find that pain subsides with time.

I understand you are grieving and it’s hard. However there is nothing wrong with step dad being grandad too. My DS has 3 grandads, my DF, FIL and my step dad. It’s nice they want to be in his life.

A good compromise is bio grandparents being "Granddad and Nanny/Granny" and steps "Granddad first name, Nanny first name". I've known it work.

I'm sorry for your loss OP and I'm sure the birth of your baby has bought feelings to the surface so try not to be too upset about this. It will settle.

Just tell them this is not true. He is not a blood relative to your child. Speak out - don't let them upset you!

My husband and I married last year after 13 years together. He brought up his son from age 7 after the mum died of a brain haemorrhage. Their relationship has been very tumultuous and part of our 13 year wait is because of his son and some issues. I have 3 kids of my own age 17-27. They're all friends with His son who is now 26. Things finally settled down about 2 yrs ago when his son met a wonderful partner. They had a baby last week. Neither of us have any grandchildren before last week. I couldn't visit as I have a laryngitis and a very heavy cold. My husband has visited. The partner and his partners mum have both messaged me to say 'your grand daughter is beautiful and you will love her when you see her'. His son has said i will be grandma or nana. I have never pushed anything any time...But it's lovely to be considered a grandma even when not biologically your grand child. More people to love the little darling.
Edit. I wouldnt have bought the baby a grandma top. I would have bought a grandad one from my husband though. I did also suggest Nonna or Nanna Dee (rhyme or initial of my name) and let biological Nanna take the glory. But I'm happy to go with the flow.

I feel for you. My dad died when dc1 was just 3 and I was very pregnant with dc2. I miss the relationship he should have had with them every day. He would have been so proud of them both.

However my mum's stepfather was my grandad in every way that mattered. My mum's dad died before I was born so he was the only maternal grandad I had. I don't know how my mum actually felt about that because when I asked her as a teenager, she said that it was between him and I to define our relationship. He wiped up bloody knees and tears, recommended books, helped build dolls house furniture and showed me the best way to climb trees. When he died, he left money to be divided between all his grandchildren whether we were blood or not. I inherited his wartime photos because he knew I was the only one actually interested. Children can't have too many adults who actually care about them in their lives.

Maybe it's one of those things best left to time? If he carries on being a "grandad" to your son when the novelty/competition you speak of wears off...

I do believe it’s important for him to embrace family and he’s lucky to have so many people who love him.

This is all that matters at the end of the day not who is called grandad/pop/Nan etc.

This. My grandchildren call my husband (my daughter's step dad) by name but refer to him as their grandad because that's the role he plays in their lives.

My ex partner had a step-Mum and his biological Mum. His step-Mum had been in his life from a young age, and he lived with her and his Dad from the age of 3. His son's called his step-Mum 'Nanny' and his biological Mum 'Grandma'. If your partner's step-Dad has been in his life from a young age, then I don't see the issue with him being called 'Grandad' and your partner's biological Dad known as 'Grandpa'. If it's the fact 'Grandad', would have been what your Dad would have been called, could you suggest your partner's step-Dad is referred as 'Gramps' instead? There's no guarantee, that he'd agree to this, but if suggested in a sensitive way, he may agree, if you explain why. In contrast my husband's Mum passed away many years ago, his Dad remarried the same year as my husband and I. We refer to my husband's Mum as 'Nanny C' as my Mum is 'Nanny'. My husband's Dad's wife is referred to by her first name, and has never been 'Nanny' or 'Grandma', simply because my husband was an adult in his 30's when his Dad remarried and she has grandchildren of her own too.

The question here is, what is best for your son?

Your father and his new grandson would have adored each other. How sad that they could not meet.

Your son still has his grandmother though, and her partner is doing his best to support your family. Some stepfathers/grandfathers don't bother so you are all lucky to have him.

My suggestion would be a compromise: allow the various 'Grandads' to call themselves that but to add their names to differentiate them.

Where I live this is done all the time. Even where kids have four blood grandparents they'll have a Gran and a Nana and a Granddad Phil and a Grandad Jim.
Stepgrandparents are (say) Nana Janet or as above, Grandad Steve.

In your heart you'll know that your Dad will always be your son's true Grandad. Just Grandad.

I can understand why it annoys you that MIL insists her partner is grandad but says SMIL can’t be nanny because there are enough Nannies 🙄 she sounds pretty toxic! I’d just say all steps will be called the same either GF/GM or first name. Whatever you feel comfortable with, just be consistent.

Why wouldn’t you want as many people loving your son as can be possible? It’s not a bad thing.

I think it’s SMIL who has said there’s enough nanny’s not MIL.

my husband’s step mum didn’t want to be nanny because she felt it made her sound old (her and DFIL have since divorced so probably some foreshadowing)

OP you are not being ridiculous and you have every right to feel the way you do.

Growing up my grandparents all had different titles: Grandma, Gran, Nan, Grandpa, Gramps etc My Dad was Grandad to my nieces and nephews. He sadly died before I had children but when I talk about him he’s referred to as your Grandad.

My stepFIL called himself grandad and fortunately my husband put a stop to it knowing how much that title meant to me. He gets called Grandpa. I’m not denying him a grandparent role, I just didn’t want him to be grandad because that to me is who my Dad is.

I think your husband should speak to his parents and let them know just how upsetting this is for you. If they are compassionate people they will understand. So sorry for your loss.

Think how lucky your DS is to have so many people who love him and want to be part of his life. You're still grieving your Dad, and I sympathise with that, but you have to learn to separate the two. Your DS having many loving grandparents doesn't have anything to do with the fact that you've lost your Dad. Don't deny your DS a relationship with his Grandparents by being unreasonable about this (unless you have some genuine concerns or dislike for this man). It's a positive thing OP.