We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

Encourage other friendships.
that might be a fun house but it’s a lazy one, and as that kid gets older there will be more pushing of your boundaries re screens and computer games.
Quietly encoragw other pals

Good! That means your child is being brought up properly, with respect for discipline and boundaries.

We're not going to be the fun house. Can you or they find friends with a similar approach? Although you maybe have to accept they are going to go to someone else's house.

I would loosen the rule on snacks upstairs when friends are over. There are no health concerns etc with this. You can say to your child, ok you can have snacks upstairs when friends are round if you tidy the mess. Use it as a way to boost responsibility.

We are not the fun house either 🤷🏻‍♀️

The problem is with your ds's friend, not with your house. The friend only wanting to be in his own house is to me the sign of someone not very confident who is probably not getting that much attention from his parents. Or the attention they give is 'entertain yourself or find a friend to keep you company. He is compensating by being the 'important" person. He doesn't want to be a guest. He probably doesn't want to relate to your ds much.

Food upstairs is a hard no for me too. But I think I would loosen the rules a little bit regarding devices and subscriptions. Do you have any capacity to create a little den/gaming area for him downstairs?

DD is 6, she has her friends in and out of ours most weeks, she has a designated space downstairs in the corner of the dining room as well as her room upstairs.

I've never allowed food upstairs but I will flex a bit with snacks in her den area. Her friends love coming here.

I relax the rules when DC have friends over. Although I have only recently chilled on the no drinks upstairs rule but they are teens now!

My youngest had a friend whose parents had a relaxed screen approach when they were in KS1. I took them out for a couple of play dates (park, soft play etc) which helped. Friendship fizzled out by Y3.

Yeah you really need to relax a bit especially about snacks. What are you planning to do when they are older - tell your 16 yo no snacks upstairs? Sounds like you need to let go a bit. They are getting to the age they want to be on their own in their room doing their own thing. They don’t want or need you to supervise and im willing to bet a part of this is you dont like the idea of letting go as they grow up.
fYi In our house we go the other way - play dates are Pringles and ice cream and pizza time.

We're not the fun house either but I'm quite ok with that. I think boundaries, rules and manners are important.

Thanks for the replies. DS goes to quite a small school so not many other kids to make friends with. And they all go to this boy’s house. It’s definitely an open house and the place to be (he has a sister in the year above so all her friends are there too). DS has found it very hard to make friends, and seems to have hit it off with this boy in the last year or so. And it is definitely not one sided, so I’m keen not to hold him back from this friendship.

I would advise reading Gabor Mate's book 'Hold On To Your Kids' which advises about the dangers of allowing too much peer influence for children. Makes a great deal of sense that allowing peers to dominate a child's life is not in their best interests and the role of parents in an evolutionary sense is to present this.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by not being the 'fun' parent. Stick at it!

A good talk about this: k_

I tell my 21yo no snacks upstairs. My house my rules.

Poor man

16 year olds are quite different to 8 year olds. We had DS friend over for a sleepover, made pizza and put on a movie (Home Alone) with a projector screen. DS was thrilled, his friend got up and left the room because it was ‘boring’.

Well yes, because it is. He wants to play with his friend not sit with his friends mum. They’re 8, leave them to get on with it.

Honestly this is a big problem we are finding - loads of parents of boys seem to just give in to screens at this age.

Girls get encouraged to do crafts, make jewellery, make up dance routines, make art.... Boys just get allowed to be moronic on screens 🙄
Its rubbish because even if your own kids are capable of occupying themselves doing other things we find 90% of the boys we invite over just expect to be allowed to spend the whole time on screens!!

Parents of boys out there, you do realise you can say no? Encourage them to go play footie, basketball, play a board game, go and muck about and build a go-kart or a den or whatever!

Where did OP say she stayed in there with them???
Its incredibly rude to just get up and say its boring. Since when is a movie on a projector boring?! What a spoilt brat

It’s a tough one. I think at 8 I probably would let them eat tidy snacks e.g. crisps upstairs, so long as it’s not wotsits the worst that’ll happen are a few crumbs.

iPad would be a hard no for me on a playdate since it’s anti social but I would consider relaxing rules on gaming and subscriptions. Watching a movie on Netflix with a pizza isn’t a big deal especially as friends start to stay later and even sleep over. Switch games if you choose wisely (mario kart, mario party etc.) can be really sociable and a lot of fun. He is getting older and whilst I hope he continues to enjoy his toys for years to come I would personally relax a little. It’s all about balance! DD7 had a friend here all day today. They played in her room for hours including building a Lego village and giving each other makeovers, spent maybe 40 minutes playing mario party on the switch, did the crayola washimals with my youngest, then settled down to watch a film with pizza and popcorn. I think it was a really nice day, they seemed happy anyway! My point is though, whilst the friends house is clearly too far to the other extreme, it doesn’t have to be an all or nothing.

And re Home Alone - I love it for the nostalgia but it’s really old now, devastating I know but my DD didn’t like it much either. Better to let them choose the movie themselves (so long as age appropriate of course!) and that’s where streaming comes in.

Absolutely, the adults in my family don't wander about the house with crisps so why would the teenagers be allowed to. I was never allowed to help myself from the fridge as a kid and I don't remember ever feeling that was an issue, mealtimes were for food and we were fed good big meals!

I completely agree with this. It does sound lazy and I wouldn’t be keen on having my child sitting and gaming for hours and hours. Especially not knowing which games they’re playing and whether or not they have access to online gaming (and therefore random adults talking to them).

If the school is truly so tiny that there aren’t other friendship options, I’d be looking into sports/clubs/activities for him that will have children from other schools as well.

I would start to encourage other friendships. I do think your ds may come around to it eventually on his own. Children with no behavioural boundaries at home eventually start pushing boundaries with their friends in ways that aren’t going to benefit them socially long term.

My ds is 7 and has/had a friend like this. His house is pure chaos. No rules. Riding little mini land rovers around inside. Eating junk. Fighting games with play guns. Last time they were there, his friend poured a whole bottle of washing up liquid in the hot tub. 😳 With the anticipated results. Literally filled the entire garden with bubbles. The mum thought it was hilarious, very boys will be boys. 😩

Ds has decided he doesn’t want to go back again and doesn’t want to be friends with him anymore. It’s easy enough as friend has changed schools (due to social service involvement but that’s another thread). He said he’s not very kind and he doesn’t really enjoy how they play together. Job done.

We would never have snacks upstairs at my parents’ house growing up.

I do think Disney plus is worth it, though. Loads of great stuff on it.

I'd just relax the rules and subscribe to Disney+.

My friend's house is pretty rule free. I think her children are fairly badly behaved 🤷‍♀️. I don't aspire to be the fun house but we still seem to have repeat play dates so we must be doing something right.

I think its fine. My mum told me no snacks upstairs at 18. Our house was quite a fun house because she was happy to have 6 teenagers over at once and allow sleep overs. She offered everyone biscuits downstairs. We had a laugh, they never complained. I don't know if it would still be the same these days as a lot of parents are very lenient.