We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

Do you want them to be friends?

80% of what and how your child is, behaves is peer pressure and they will listen to their friends. 20% is what grandparents and parents tell them

you can’t pick your children’s friends but you can ask them to pick wisely

This thread has made me laugh. Mine are too little to worry about whose is the fun house yet - but it’s clearly not going to be mine as there is NO WAY anyone will ever be eating outside of the kitchen. My mind is blown. 😂😂

I agree with you. My son is a little older at 11 but I find whenever he goes to a friends house literally all they do is play on games.
At home he rarely goes on the games.

This is very true. I think naturally older kids/teens do end up gravitating towards and spending more time at the ‘fun casual gathering’ house but I imagine plenty of parents would rather that wasn’t their house 😅

I would take the other house as well.

You need to up your game; Learn to tap dance; demonstrate extreme ironing; or get better snacks (those heavy on the sugar will keep them coming back).

However... if you do want to make your home a little more hangout friendly as your DS approaches the end of his primary years you can do that without extremes.

Instead of having non-screen activities be a hurdle they have to clear to get ipad time, give them a total video game time and let them figure it out... "two hours is our limit for screens today." If they use it all up up front so be it.

Needing to ask for food is one of those things that feels normal if that's what you grew up with and incredibly restrictive if you are used to being able to help yourself. Consider having dedicated snack bins in the fridge and cupboard that they can help themselves to. Include a variety including some individual crisps packs and sweet things so they can get hit whatever cravings they have and can satiate hunger but no one will be binging a jumbo bag of wotsits and you're not worried that they'll devastate your lunch supplies or the family's treat shop for the week.

And children aren't going to be traumatized by not getting to eat upstairs, but there's also an option to have a few approved no-stain snacks like popcorn and small bottles of clear sports drinks. At 8 your DS is old enough to understand that privileges like an open-access snack bin and a few specific snacks upstairs will be lost if he can't be responsible with that increased freedom and respect the limits you've set.

I wouldn't worry about it OP. Your say all the DC go there, so its not worth trying to replicate similar, because they all want to be where its all going on. My DD had a girl in her class with a swimming pool. They all went to hers. If you want to entertain the other child, why not invite him on the odd family day out, theme park, bowling etc to reciprocate the hospitality?

I cannot begin to imagine wanting to infantilise a grown man like that.

Children who grow up in the 'fun' house turn out like strait-laced Saffy from Ab Fab. Children from the 'no fun' house rebel.

You just can't win.

The boy in the "fun" house is popular because he has all the things that he wants at his house so he is popular because he has a benefit to other kids .....it is not actually the boy himself who is liked in his own right. We had a quad some neighbours kids got to see.....all of a sudden there was massive interest in my son but I explained to my child he was here bringing his pal to insist on a turn on the quad.

I think this is so tough OP. I’m not a fun house and I’m noticing my 8 yo DD’s friends get bored. It’s interesting though - we have a big house, full of toys and crafts and yet I find a lot of them don’t know what to do and can’t create their own way through it. Many of their families lead a fully entertained life - mornings and afternoons full each day, organised crafts etc at home. We consciously don’t do this and leave the children to get ‘bored’ (obviously I also do tonnes with them too). It’s usually when they get bored that they have their most creative time (making things from boxes, playing an imaginary game together etc). We don’t so gaming, loads of screens (they usually watch TV at some point during play dates). So I think there is something about how children play and the differences in that all starting to come out at this age too.

This is tricky as things have changed a lot in the last 7/8 years.

My lad is 15 now but at age 8 none of his friends yet had xbox's or playstations. We all gave in at about age 10 with this - was really glad I did as then covid hit and, as an only child, the xbox became a great way for him to chat to his cousins and school friends all day. It was a bit of a godsend.

At 8 they were all mainly playinhg out on their scooters, playing football, on their bikes. Could you perhaps be the friends house that go out and play out instead of staying in with crisps/gaming? Rollerblading, skateboarding, lot's of fresh air and running around - chip shop chips afterwards?
My son and his mates loved this kind of playdate at that age.
Staying in was pretty boring for them.

Can you have some fun outdoor play? Bikes, football, racket ball of some type, just fooling about. We were a bit lacking in some things but friends liked the alternatives. Or board games, just something different.

A child who is already relying on Netflix and unlimited crisps to enjoy himself at age 8 is not likely to have a happy adulthood, I wouldn't think.

I find this thread bizarre - so the fun house parents are lazy, lax with manners and have no boundaries. Jeez.

my eldest is year 4, he has a reception age brother - his friends love coming here because we have a play room full of toys and nerf guns and a paddling pool in the garden in summer all for the little one, but the older ones seem to miss having those toys at home and love a good run around nerf battle or water pistol fight!

we have a dart board they can play with, a mini pool table and a switch for Mario kart racing. Tbf on a play date I’d never settle them down with a movie - they need to be running around and burning through the excited adrenaline!
this is a boy who does karate twice a week, football 3 times a week and swims twice a week - but obviously the fun house is the lazy house not the one who just love all sports 😉

we are also a no food upstairs household and that works more than well enough, and I’ve had nothing but compliments on Ds1 manners and thoughtfulness when he’s gone to others.

A 100 per cent with this.
I have one boy a two girls. I don't get why parents think it's OK to leave boys in front of a screen for hours because "they all do it". (and this is just with boys for some reason).
My boy is 14 and I still don't encourage screens and time is restricted on them. He is happy and got used to it. He buildthings since he is small all by himself and still loves that. He also play sports, same as my girls.
There was a phase where my son's friends didn't think our home was "cool" but after a few years they come over and like designing and building with him.

There’s a halfway point I think. We’ve never been the most laid back (me especially!) but we’ve always tried to make it an eaay house
to come to and more importantly, an easy house for tha kids to invite friends back too.

Our kids have always got the differences between normal and guest rules but I think for social oil you need to let things slide when friends are round.

i would probably get Netlfix as well.

The ‘fun house’ sounds like a very normal house to me. They’re allowed to take a bag of crisps upstairs and at the reasonable age of 8, they’re allowed to choose what to play with when their friends are over rather than having activities scheduled by their mother. Not really a big
deal, is it? Appreciate that your rules are more rigid and that’s completely up to you, but the ‘fun house’ doesn’t sound in the slightest bit unusual or lax.

What are the dynamics like in your house and their house OP?

I only ask because we have a fun house / not fun house with DC's closest friend. We are very much NOT the fun house, but the friend always wants to be over here, because her parents are in a state of constant warfare and there is no amount of netflix that compensates for it. Obviously this may not apply to you or to your child's friend, but I've found that household 'feel' seems to be more attractive than mere permissiveness.

Ime "Fun house" kids rarely become long term friends, the novelty wears off when they realise the fun house kid having never had any significant restrictions doesn't cope well with any boundaries including socialising/sharing/compromising/not being in control etc

I think my house is a fun house then 😬

And not letting kids eat in their room (and adults by the sound of some people) is a bit strict.

It reminds me of the Friends episode 'crumbies' haha

I'm the fun house but trust when I say I pull out the kumon worksheets too 😂yet somehow I still hold the crown for fun house/fun auntie 😂😂
Jokes aside, we have structured play if that's any use.

OP, I have 2 8yr olds and one 7yr old here, all boys.
We found very similar to you last year when they moved schools and started having playdates with their new friends - we don't even have a switch as we are not keen on them having electronics and will be holding off for as long as possible and if DH has his way they will NEVER get a phone🙄 I keep warning him on never ever saying never!!!
Initially we had the same as you with the moans of 'This is boring' 'I'm bored' to which I have always replied 'Only boring people get bored'
I don't care how others raise their kids but I equally don't care about letting others know how we are raising ours and I discussed with the other parents that I knew for now they were finding being in ours very different and, to them, boring but that I hoped over time they would start to enjoy making their own fun with games/building/lego etc and I asked them to bear with me, in fairness most of the parents acknowledged, that they do let their kids on devices/watch tv way more than they should.
We are lucky in that we have a great size garden with a very cool wooden play area and tree house and once it's not pelting down they are thrown out, coming back in wet/filthy a lot of the times which they love, we are also huge lego fans and music fans with several instruments which they are allowed play with but under strict instruction to be careful and respectful of the instruments but one of the biggest hits with them has been baking - they love it and absolutely destroy the place in the process😭 but that's part of the fun for them and love showing off and bringing home their creations.
We also live close to a park and a beach so they are well utilised.
I am very relaxed and chilled when they have friends over and the only rules per say are shoes off and no drinks anywhere apart from the kitchen.
I now have the little horrors here on a regular basis all having fun.
Don't change how you want things to be in your home just because it's different to how others do things and just keep reminding your child that different people do different things and neither one is either right or wrong.

I think you've misread the OP