We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

Ha at micromanaging every aspect of kids' lives. You are reaching a bit based on one rule. No one has food upstairs in our house as we have had persistent issues with pests and I rather enjoy a rodent free existence in the bedrooms. As I think do they.

Nobody said snacks in rooms is micromanaging every aspect, obviously that is not.
Biscuits upstairs equals rodents 😂

We'll happily be the 'boring house' too OP.

My friend had a fun house. I ended up splitting my head open there as a young teen during a sleepover and nobody could take me home as her parents were out at the pub getting pissed up until the early hours while we were left to our own devices at home. I actually needed stitches and only went to A&E the next day when I went home. My parents were so annoyed and blame my scar on it not being stitched as quickly as it should have been.

I'm not saying these parents will do the same but I wouldn't be surprised if there's boundary relaxing - and more than you're happy with - as the DC grow into teens.

That's how I read your post. Obviously I misunderstood. But lucky you laughing at the idea of rodents. If you've experienced it you might take a few precautions to avoid it happening again.

Never experienced it no, I clean the upstairs of my house as well as the downstairs. No need to be rude. Are you saying everybody who allows any food upstairs eg breakfast in bed etc, has a rodent issue? Thank you MN.

No of course not, stop being a wanker. I was saying that not everyone who has rules about snacks is trying to run a military academy. You seem very pleased with the way you've brought up your kids, good for you. But there's more than one right way.

Obviously I was rude then. Not sure what was rude about my previous post. It was you that was laughing at me.

I was laughing at the rodent comment, I thought you were making a joke at first. Comments can be easily misconstrued on here I think. As parents we're all just doing the best we can, and making decisions based on what we prefer, 😀 I think it's fine honestly, it is the two extremes I dislike. You can be relaxed/have some rules and not be a fun house; most people are probably somewhere in the middle. I think the whole thread has gone a bit crazy tbh.

Yes I was mainly agreeing with you too. I don't think the op needs to radically change what she's doing. Or worry too much if her ds likes playdates at a house with computer games and snacks.

What age are your boys currently? We've done all the stuff you suggest as younger appreciate it, just wondering how you kept it going the older they get.

Don’t lose the friendship over a few rules which you say you loosen but doesn’t seem much. Is it a big issue to let them go straight into games/ iPad? They are 8 not 5. Let them eat upstairs- maybe popcorn which has fewer crumbs.

if you can afford it get one tv subscription he will miss out on playground discussions- ask him which one. Most now have cheaper with add options.

what do they play- match it. Or play top trumps and get a PlayStation or ds ( for his birthday).

Well everyday is a school day.

Turns out, if you're a 'fun house', it means you're a lazy slatternous parent and your kids will grow up to be useless humans, addicted to screens.

We are a 'fun' house, I guess? I allow any kind of food and snacks upstairs and eat/snack in bed myself (not every meal, obv). I don't see the issue whatsoever. The rooms are being regularly cleaned and vacuumed anyway, so what if a few crumbs escape. No, we don't have rats because we eat biscuits in bed.

Neither do I police who takes what and from which cupboard. Within reason, both DD and me self-regulate and we're considerate, if there's limited amount of something - we share/ask another one would they like some.

We have tvs in bedrooms and subscriptions. Netflix, disney, apple tv, etc. Ditto multiple other screens, laptops, ipads, smartphones. No gaming consoles, but only because DD is not interested in it. Neither am I. If she'd want one - I'd buy it.

We don't have set bedtimes and go to bed late. But we're European, so don't adhere to British bedtime or dinner-time standards.

Believe it or not, we also read a lot, have a large library at home and also a kindle each, have hobbies other than screens, go out, travel, DD does sports, we travel and visit museums, galleries, cultural sights, etc. DD is a good student, great grades and she's a nice, polite kid. We're not useless and dumb, because we snack in bed and have large tvs. It's not one or the other.

So what can you offer to make your home an interesting place to visit?
I had a friend whose mum taught me to make bread, I thought it was amazing.
Or do you have a garden they can escape into? Pets to care for? Cook their own tea? Lego building?
You don't have to compete with the friend, but they do need to have something they all look forward to doing when they visit.

It sounds like the parents of DS’s friend allow a complete ‘free for all’. No wonder all the friends gravitate there when they can do as they please and eat what they please.
Imo it doesn’t teach an 8 yr old respect for the home, my DC’s never ate or drank upstairs (they’re grown up flown the nest now) and it was never an issue, they knew the rules and that was that.
DC’s friends used to turn up on their bikes and they all either went off to each others houses, or played football in our large garden, or came in to play video games etc in the dining room. Really happy kids, all of them, and although they’ve all gone their separate ways they’ve stayed in touch and love talking about ‘when they were kids’. They were happy with their lot.
Children seem to have so much now, yet they get bored incredibly quickly.
Unfortunately times have changed, imo not for the better.

Yes I’m always surprised on Mumsnet when parents of eight year olds say their dc are too old for toys and games now. It’s when they are allowed to be bored and come up with their own entertainment that creativity develops. And stops them from becoming dependent on being micromanaged.

There’s a balance to be struck though; it doesn’t mean all boundaries go out of the window.

From what you have described of your DC friends house OP, we had and have the ‘fun house’ too! - it’s not a free for all it’s just a different way of living.

The kids have rules at home but these are relaxed when friends come over. I always encourage the kids friends we have a bit of an open door policy so they can are all welcome. We have a snack cupboard that they ask to go into but I don’t police the snacks now they are older I trust them to eat within moderation. We had loads of toys and games and outdoor toys when they were younger and now older a switch and quite few of the subscription channels (but that is mainly for my benefit TBF), the kids do get free rein of the lounge for a bit when they have friends round and then I say right into the den (used to be playroom/games room) or bedrooms. As the kids have been coming over for play dates for years we now have a really great rapport and I know them and they’re parents really well.

I do think relaxing rules when friends are round and letting them have a bit more leeway is the best way forward. Without being called too much of a screen bandit, my kids friends do bring their phones and iPads round and they all play Roblox together in the same room - it’s baffling to me but they love it!

I also try and enjoy programmes on TV that seem popular with the kids and their friends such as we watch ‘Gladiators’ as a family together on a Saturday night. It’s a really nice routine we have got into as a family and then the kids all seem to have chats about it with their mates on Monday for example.

gaming/TV/tablets/phones etc don’t have to be or seem as bad if used sociably and in the right way (for the right ages etc), maybe lean into some of these things rather then rebuffing all the time.

great points and suggestions.

👍🏻

I thought I was mad! We are pretty similar to you (but we live in/from UK). My eldest is at uni and doing great. All my kids (3DDs) enjoy sport a variety of hobbies, do well at school and are well behaved, as well as having fun at home and I love having a full house so I suppose that helps as I’m happy for my kids to have friends over when they want (within reason), and I’ve always enough education getting to know their friends and have them become more comfortable in our home over the years.

I haven’t read the full thread but I’d really recommend the book ‘Hold on to your kids’.

I’d be limiting time at the ‘fun house’ and encouraging friendships with other children.

The snacks thing is irrelevant. The friend will be saying, come to my house and we can play games on the Nintendo/Playstation, gaming is very attractive and addictive. Watching a kids movie will seem tame by comparison. I think 8 is too young for unlimited screen time, so I feel your pain.

I had something similar when my DD was little her BF was a second child and had everything. Mainly as it had been passed down and also because her DM was a teacher for the same age group so had stashes of stuff. I didn’t try to compete, things were just different at our house in the end the girls always wanted to do X,Y and Z at our house and A, B and C at hers. I also found that part of the issue was that the friend was really controlling although I didn’t see it at the time. Now at 13 DD has changed friends and they all love coming over here. I don’t think this is as much an issue with your house (although you do need to relax a little) more an issue with the friend.

No food upstairs is a bit up tight

Can crisps cause damage? You just hoover afterwards

I have a "no food/ drink" allowed upstairs too.

I don't know if we are the "fun house" but my kids friends are there all the time when they're home, and them popping him often ends up in last minute sleepovers. I guess they're not that bothered about the upstairs snacks 😂

I did make a big exception when they were little and the "midnight feast" was the highlight of the sleepovers. They're passed that stage now.

Haha me too! Same for my husband and me! We just don’t eat upstairs. Food is for the kitchen - simple