We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

I have rules regarding food but not their play. If they want to spend it playing Roblox that’s fine. If they want to watch YouTube I don’t care. When they have their friends round I have a bit of freedom to do stuff and not worry about dd8.

You’re trying to control what should be their free time. Leave them be.

Shit I think I’m the fun house, if the kids all turn up here I’m going to pretend I’m out

You will never have ANYONE ever outside of the kitchen? Really??

I have two boys, pretty much both grown up now. I imagine the other house is the most fun because it has a games console, and that no one really cares that much about where they can eat crisps. This was what my boys mainly wanted to do with friends at age 8, except one of them loved being outside and would play football or various other outdoor games if the weather was not too bad. Hide and seek inside was a hit sometimes, but they wanted me to play and it was quite chaotic, resulting in a broken wardrobe. It also depends on how screen obsessed their friends are, so perhaps try inviting other friends round for a change if your son is up for it.
I didn't let mine on screens all the time at that age, but I was quite relaxed about it when friends were there. As a child myself, my parents didn't have any restrictions about anything really. If we had wanted to we could have watched tv all day and played on our very basic computer with cassette games for as long as we wanted.

When my kids were young, I really liked having them home where I could keep an eye on them. I was also just pretty relaxed and really didn't care if they and their friends helped themselves to snacks, ate in their rooms, played whatever kind of games they wanted as they wished when they had company, stayed up late dancing on the coffee table during sleepovers or whatever. It was fun so the kids were usually under my roof, where I could keep an eye on them. Mission accomplished. It stayed this way until they moved out.

I think you could use to back off a tad, personally. When your kid has company over, I'd stay in the background, not directing or closely monitoring (if you don't do that already). I'd let them start playing on their screens when they wanted to and let them take the damn chips into the bedroom. Or I guess I'd say, what do you want more, those little details your way, or having your kid and his friend/s where you can keep an eye on them? Remember, that gets far more important when they get a bit older so it's a great habit to try to get started now. That's my opinion, anyway.

However, there are other things going on as well that aren't so much under your control. Since they have another child at the other kid's house and a bunch of her friends around too, more kids to hang out with is an attraction that doesn't come with a one-child home. I had two kids close in age so there were usually more kids there. You also might not want to compete with the expensive channels and etc. But I'd do what I could to encourage the kids to hang out at your house. Unless that's not something you want, of course.

That's my take on it, for what it's worth.

Do parents these days do things like teaching their kids to play chess? When I was a kid, most of us could play, if not very well, but at least knew the rules.

I can't play chess but my son learned to play it online! He can play it on a board as well if someone else is here to play with, but he won't play with me because I'm not good enough!

He might not enjoy Home Alone. I don't like it either.

Yes I think so much of this post is condescending. Any parent allowing crisps upstairs plus streaming services/gaming is a chav. Too much judgement and way too much anxiety over nothing.

We don’t allow any kind of video games at play dates, we don’t own a Nintendo switch or anything like that. We have zero interest in it as a family and because of that my kids find it really boring at other kids houses when they just play on devises the whole time. Just be yourself, keep inviting kids over and don’t worry about one rude child.

Crisps are bad for carpets? 🤔

You are funny.

I am not a forest school or an entertainment centre for other people's kids. My kids are free to have friends here, but if they want to be on screen together, then that's what they do. I am not getting involved and not giving myself any more work. If you want them to build a go-kart or play a board game, you do that at your house.

I have no problem with them being on screen all day when they're a group. They know where the snacks are, they can eat what they want downstairs.

It's when my kid have no friend that we severely limit screens.

Those allowing snacks in bedrooms, you’ve clearly never rented a house with a rodent infestation!

Just enjoy that you don't have to host loads of kids all the time!
I'm not the fun house either. Which is fine by me!
I live in a really middle class area but I'm a minimum wage worker and my house is small with no garden.
My kids have lots of toys but nothing like the expensive stuff their friends have.
I could be sad about it but you know what I do my best. I love them. They are safe and well cared for and they like their home.
It's just that it's obviously more fun at their friends houses because of the things their friends have that they don't.
That's life.
And you know what it's stressful hosting kids all the time anyway.
I feel a but guilty that I'm not one of the go to houses. But I do offer babysitting etc for any mum who hosts any of my kids or offer to take their kids to the park with mine. I can pay them back in free time!!

Crikey I can't be arsed to micromanage a play date, kids like playing computer games together, it's hardly groundbreaking.

And you know what it's stressful hosting kids all the time anyway.

it's not when you let them do whatever they want, mainly screens 😂

Just don't stay in the same room to escape the noise and everyone is happy.

We are starting to have the same issue, except DS is only 6 and this is with all his friends. When they come over they just want to be on devices (we don't have any) and so they seem bored and ask to watch TV.

I don't really get the point of having the TV on as then they are not interacting at all so I try to discourage it.

When his friends aren't here DS finds plenty of creative ways to entertain himself and plays with his toys. We also play lots of board games but none of his friends do.

I'm getting very self conscious of becoming the boring house. DS loves going to his friends as he plays video games, roblox etc. Starting to wonder whether we're depriving him!

There's nothing wrong with having rules about eating only in the kitchen. For kids or teens.

Too much food emphasis in social events anyway. There is no way I would be encouraging bags of crisps and other crap going upstairs to bedrooms on a normal play date.

OP, I'd make a rule that there must be alternating play dates, and/or encourage your son to find other friends.

We really had this problem when DS was about 5. His nursery friend's parents had no boundaries and gave their DCs tonnes of screens and games to play (including violent ones) that were really inappropriate for their ages. We stepped back from them, but for a while it was very difficult.

You have to accept that screens, phones, online coms have replaced street play and you cannot opt out of it entirely or your DS will have no friends. But you can decide how much and how little you are prepared for him to play and encourage other activities like skateboarding, canoeing etc which help keep screens to a minimum and encourage friendships with other like minded families.

If the friends house is so loose,why are you allowing your ds over there.

I think your better off stopping the friendship if you think like that as you sound very snobby.
And if I'm honest a bit overbearing.

He's not an only is he,cause it comes across that way.

Home alone is quite a popular movie, if he'd seen it over the Christmas period just before the sleepover, it may very well have felt boring. Once is enough in this house too over festive period. Sounds good intention but did you ask if he'd recently seen it or offer them a choice of Christmas movies or did you choose it for them?

We are.a tech house, DH and I have always liked tech and we game as family more regularly than traditional board games. It sounds like your lifestyle might be in the minority genrally. By age 8 id say large majority of class were on playstation for online gaming and chatting to one another.

I think you should consider trying to strike some kind of balance. I knew a couple who were in their 50's with a 10 year old and he didn't even know what fifa is as they tried to enforce this way of life, traditional toys only, rigid over food, no streaming access etc. In my opinion it negatively impacts kids socially not knowing about pop culture.

It sounds like you are taking it to the extreme. Maybe consider loosening up a bit, find out the most popular console amongst his classmates and get him one. You can put parental controls on with access that suits you.

Does you or you DH have any experience with gaming, was that something either of you enjoyed?

I'd not stress about them preferring the other house tbh. The other kid might be less comfortable away from home, eating other food, whatever. It's no real judgment on you. My dds prefer playdates at other people's houses for a variety of reasons but they love home best of all. Despite the no food upstairs rule which is non negotiable due to pest problems in the past, abd reasonable limits on screens.

We have a fold up 4ft games table with pool and table football, slightly more grown up than just
’toys’ but still a fun toy! Either get rid of the screen or relax the limit on it when friends are over

1959 I should think.

Firstly, sadly, parents get boys on to screens and gaming in a way and at an age they don't do with girls - much earlier and much more. Particularly in certain demographics.

Girls play excellent imaginative games, do crafts etc. Many boys just do screens and may be football. Whether it's parents pandering to their entitled little boys or genuily disliking them or simply indifference or giving up on them too soon or if the behaviour is too problematic to actually deal with instead of chucking a screen at them, I don't know as I wouldn't do that.

From so much screen time children's attention becomes fragmented. So a normal film is boring. They lose their ability to play. They have zero social skills too. at 8 they aren't able to play or are "too old" or have "outgrown" stuff.

They grow up with no imagination, poor problem solving and at 22 are too bored to hold down a job. Remember how in primary they were too old to play at 8 or sometimes 7 or even 6? They couldnt occupy themseves. Because parents made life overscheduled, easy, over entertained, and screen based. So no resilience or autonomy or ability to tolerate boredom in an adult

There is so much gender stereotyping these days, and so many parents behaving like sheep, despite research proving kids need to play with all types of toys, many people are so influenced by the trash theyve seen in the media or in advets or in shop aisles which means only construction toys vehicle, dinosaurs or monsters are bought for boys- so nothing really interesting and their interest in varied nurturing games is hardly ever maintained. Outside of earlier years when lite boys carry around their vehicles and treat them as humans in the absence of human dolls or even soft toys, there isn't much.

Secondly, they come to the chavvy house just for those perks so the friendship is fake.

That house isn't a good influence, may be try to minimise the visits?