We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

We did have a free trial of disney plus for 3 months but didn’t think it would be worth paying for.

At the moment we can’t afford to buy a Switch or other device.

The boys chose Home Alone themselves (it was just before Christmas).

DS will be joining a sports club this summer so hopefully new friendships will blossom.

I think a balance is needed. If your DC takes part in plenty of extra curricular activities including sports then a junk food and gaming splurge with friends isn’t going to do any harm. Obviously if it’s every night then it’s a problem.

My son is 7 and has two best friends and they're always at each other's houses. I'm friends with the parents and we're all very similar and chilled. We don't set strict rules about screens or not and they take tablets to each other's houses. Some play dates they'll just use iPads, especially near the end of week or term and they're tired but most of the time it's a mix of football, playing with toys, playing uno and the trampoline.

The fun house changes and they like different houses for different reasons (one is better for football, we have a switch and trampoline, other has a playhouse and PS4 etc).

I don't think there is a right or wrong here, but maybe you need to think more about activities? Could you take the children out somewhere rather than having them play at home? If your son plays happily with his toys on his own, it could be he's used to, in effect, 'single player' type games, and can't easily integrate his friend? Could you even just get a few new games that will be new for both of them? My DD is rising 8 and, although it drives me to (internalised!) tears of boredom, she loves it when I join in with something dire like monopoly with her and a friend.

I wouldn't personally enforce a 'no snacks upstairs' rule - could you not just teach him not to drop them on the carpet?! He's 8, not 3.

I think this sounds like a great time and most kids would think it was too. Unfortunately some kids are more vulnerable to the "high" from interactive screens and if that gets indulged too much they can't watch something that isn't pushing those buttons for long without feeling bored. Since DS's friend seems to be one of these kids I don't think there is anything you can do to make your house the fun house unless you copy his house.

Surprised at the comments about the fun house, indicating the child doesn’t get attention, parents are lazy, the child isn’t being brought up right. What a load of nonsense.

id the fun house, I kept a close eye and it was lovely for my daughter to habe her friends round. I wasn’t a lazy parent, she’s a lovely young adult now, and I can assure those pearl clutching brought up incredibly well.

there is more to being a parent than denying snacks, jot having screens and no subscriptions. Amd if anyone thinks that shit makes you a good parent. Then you’ve a surprise coming your way when your child is an adult and can tell you straight.

To me it’s not about being ‘the fun house’ or ‘cool parents’ as much as kids feeling welcome and relaxed at ours and this then feeding into their teen years etc. we want to be the house they stay at after a night out or have a sleepover at as teens. My kids are very well behaved and I’m very strict on manners but play dates are for treats- special snacks, pizzas, relaxing of the rules (but still polite and well mannered kids!). I let mind take their food as picnic in the den they’ve made in their room or let them all put on DCs cossies and run though the sprinkler on a hot day. Kids love it, parents love it, great memories! I never lived in a ‘watch the carpet, turn the TV off, no food outside the kitchen’ kind of house so I’d find that stifling.

So my house is like yours on the day to day schedule when there's no playdates, no snacks upstairs,limited screen etc BUT when there's a playdate I massively loosen those rules so the kids can let loose. As long as there's nothing inappropriate watched,said, discussed were good. Usually a playdate is max 3 hrs and maybe 1 every week or so, not too bad to let the kids run amok abit and then back to normal next day or as friend gas gone have kids help tidy, no screen time after etc to make up for it.

Sounds like you are doing just fine.

I would definitely encourage other friendships and not worry too much about having this friend over too often.

We do board games, football or lego but ours is younger. I'm worried it will become increasingly difficult but equally maybe I'd just reduce other screen time to compensate.

My 17 yr old had his friends around at half term for gaming and board games…they had fruit and then Pizza in the evening

it didn’t cross my mind to say oi no cherries upstairs my friend

I agree don't worry that he has to be friends with one particular kid. Can he try extra curriculars and find friends that way or try inviting other school friends over. Maybe people go there because they're the only family that actually invite people round.

Having a console for games and Netflix / similar is hardly a house of sin as some are making out. Most houses have these and I’m not surprised kids want to use them. It’s like having a house with no tv in the 90s

I think it all depends what effect you're going for OP. I don't aspire to be the most fun. IMO kids should get on with entertaining themselves and the whole point of having other kids round is to make that easier. I don't lay on special activities or buy special food for playdates. I am naturally pretty strict so my kids don't have crisps or screens at home anyway.

My kids have a lot of friends round and they always have a great time. They naturally prefer going to other people's houses because there is novelty and their parents buy juice! I would just relax and have confidence in your own approach. It's important to teach kids that being the most popular is not more important than been true to your own philosophy of life.

We were the fun house. I made sure it was because my mum wouldn’t let me have friends over when I was young. I’ve never had a no snacks upstairs rule (I’m a huge culprit so can’t be a hypocrite). Any crisp crumbs the dog would hoover up. My kids were always really well behaved though even though it was a very relaxed household. Any kid that was too feral wasn’t allowed back (my kids didn’t like the feral ones so it wasn’t a big issue). They’d play on their consoles or do lego and they never ate with adults, my son hated that formality when he went to friends houses. I’d only see them to ask if they wanted anything. Other than that I didn’t do anything special. I guess it was just very chill.

I would probably relax the ‘you must play and have screen-free time before anything with screens is allowed’ rule. Especially as they get older, when my DS 11 friends come over all they want to do is Xbox together, completely normal in my opinion.

To be honest the other friends house really wouldn’t bother me at the moment. I would only worry once they are older if a ‘relaxed’ house meant somewhere parents turned a blind eye to alcohol/smoking/drugs and whatever else with underage teens. A bit of junk food and TV, though? I can’t get worked up about.

Same. We do loads of family stuff together and have a no food upstairs rule and screen time rule etc but when they have friends over I am much more relaxed about rules. They can't normally take food upstairs/eat much junk but with a friend over I like to fade into the background somewhat (provided they are safe and not watching /playing anything inappropriate)

I prefer you house, OP!

Maybe it will be easier when the weather’s better and they can play football outside?

I think it's less about the other house being fun and more about the other house being relaxing. Even as an adult I find it uncomfortable being in a house with "rules". Had they seen Home Alone before? Because as a child with ADHD I don't think I could have sat to watch a movie I'd already seen. Some children need a lot of stimulation.

This

Did they watch it with you or just the two of them?

I would suggest broadening his friendship group. There’s nothing wrong with your house! That sounds quite lazy at his friends house. Other friends will
love your house!

My house is seen as the fun house because I play with them, I joke with them & we have games with winnings etc BUT there are absolutely rules in place and I stick to them. There’s no way they’d be allowed to sit on iPads!

I also think at that age they like to be ‘left to it’ to a certain extent, not organised time and pre-planned activities

I don't know why people are jumping to conclusions about the friend's house having no rules, boundaries or supervision. What we know is that they're allowed crisps upstairs and video games when friends are over... obviously it's anarchy.

Or maybe that house and OP's house are just two different variations in the big spectrum of normal homes.

OP, it's ok not to be the fun casual gathering house. The reality is that like all hosting it does require a little more flexibility and wilingness to cater to guest's interests. But being the mum with the fun casual gathering house is not inherently better than being the mum who has the house that serves as a secure retreat from chaos or the one who project organizes the great day trips and class/team parties, and children and teens don't need to have the fun house to have a fulfilling social life and friendships.

We are fun house not lazy though I have a mixture of ages I love that all my 17 year olds friends can come here they play with the smaller ones and eat everything
but I’m happy it’s a safe haven