We’re not the ‘fun’ house

[BadgerTart]

DS 8 is getting to the age he wants to spend more and more time with his friends. Which is great- we have a big house with lots of toys, I get in good snacks and loosen the rules when he’s got friends here. However, DS best friend doesn’t seem to like coming here and always wants DS at his. And DS always wants to be there. It’s what I would describe as a ‘fun’ house.

For example:
DS arrives at friend’s house, they take a big bag of crisps out the cupboard and disappear upstairs- at ours he has to ask for snacks (I relax on this when he has friends over), but no way would they go upstairs with crisps (new carpet).
They spend the majority of their time on devices (ipad, nintendo switch, playstation)- at mine they must play a while before the ipad comes out, and we have no other devices.
They have Disney plus, netflix, apple tv etc. We just have the bare minimum channels and no subscriptions.

DS is happy with our house and our rules when it’s just us. It works well for us and imo he needs the boundaries. He plays happily with his toys and I don’t feel like he is missing out at all.

I’ve always tried to create a safe home where other children feel welcome. But I feel I can’t compete with the house where anything goes and they have so much available.

His friend always seems so bored when he comes here, and DS seems embarrassed that we don’t have as much to offer as his friend.

Any advice on trying to keep the boys happy here? I would love to have his best friend over more, he’s a great kid and I must admit it stings a bit that they always want to be at his house.

Forget screen time worries. All I want is for everyone to make sure their children use capitalization and at least attempt to structure complete sentences.

We allow snacks but cups, plates etc. Have to be brought back to the kitchen

I won't say anything goes but we are not the army so would say there are no rules as such we just try and use common sense, screen used more times and less other times type thing

The only rule is if we say enough is enough it is

I will never go by 'my house my rules' as in am not a dictator

Do you have a decent garden? If so would a trampoline etc maybe be fun?

Surely pasta maracas are more appropriate for a 2 year old than 8? Mine are younger so I might be way off the mark but a lot of that stuff seems very babyish.

Oh I’m really dreading this when my son gets older if it’s pretty much essential to get by socially. I have always hated any kind of gaming, honestly I don’t think anything could have put me off a man more when I was dating so the thought of it being constant in my house one day is just 😩

Think your post says a lot more about you than anyone else, judgemental much.
Tends to be more boys are interested in gaming than girls , probably because most kids are into what their friends are. Like most of us we choose friends often with similar likes etc
my two boys were quite into gaming when young teenagers , we had no screen limits but they had lots of sports as well, so some days may have been on screens a while , another day 20 mins. It naturally worked out.they also were allowed food upstairs when friends were over and we were probably the fun house to a degree.
we also live in a HA house so probably meet your definition of chavvy , but unfortunately there your theory falls flat as at 19/ 21 both have full time jobs and have worked since college, both doing apprenticeships with good prospects. There is no right or wrong , every family should do what works best for them and their children. If your kids are happy then ultimately thats all that matters. Every house has different rules and my kids got that from a young age.

This and what @Nettleskeins said!

To me it's about control, my son had a friend like this and it was really about the fact he could control the narrative when at his own house. As they got older that child has really struggled with socialising and spends most of his time in his room gaming, whilst the rest of the group are studying, socialising, working, travelling etc. It's been quite sad to watch it pan out.

Wow so many replies, wasn’t expecting that! Lots to think about. Yes, I probably need to loosen up a bit.

Lots of focus on the screen time- I’m not anti screens at all, but don’t think kids should spend a whole 3 hour play date on them. And as I said, we can’t afford to buy a Switch etc right now.

The fun house are a good family, not chavvy or bad parents. Just different. They have a very different parenting approach than DH and I. Our house and our style works for us and our family. I would like to be more welcoming for DS best friend without compromising on our rules. There has been lots of helpful input on this thread and I can see I need to be more flexible.

Fade into the background is a really good phrase and is what I used to do. I’d let them go into my daughter’s room or the living room and I’d stay out of the way occasionally checking in or listening at the door. Wouldn’t eat with them as it wasn’t my friend it was hers but would be in the kitchen pottering about whilst they ate.

Absolutely disgusted by several posters’ liberal use of the word “chavvy”. Don’t buy into it please OP, it’s rank classism. Makes me feel sick, ugh. Personally I think using that word lacks class.

I was the child without the games consoles growing up, but I also had the fun house. I think not having a console mattered less in the 90s (agree that it’s a bit like not having had a telly in the 90s) but it was still way more about parental attitude. My friend who had the games console had a stuffy house with lots of rules where we were yelled at for banging on the floor (walking upstairs). No snacks outside of the kitchen. Other friends had perfect houses with white carpets and china ladies everywhere and you never felt at ease.

What I am saying is, it’s not the stuff you have, it’s the attitude you bring. We were the house that had music and discos in the living room, and huge games of hide and seek and sardines. A adult sized space hopper and a paddling pool. At Halloween we did a haunted house. Neighbourhood kids loved it because they could play and be themselves. I was self-conscious about not having a console but I don’t remember anyone ever actually mentioning it. No one else’s parents would let them slide down the stairs on a mattress, and that’s ultimately what kids enjoy doing - times have changed but not that much.

Well 8 year olds aren't going to sit around having dinner drinking wine and talking about politics are they. They socialise completely differently to adults and playing games together is one of the ways they connect. It seems like some adults like to impose their idea of the "correct" games to play as if a round of Hungry hippos is soooo much more intellectual than a Mario kart Grand Prix.

If he doesn't like it, he can move out.

We never eat upstairs either.

It seems like some adults like to impose their idea of the "correct" games to play as if a round of Hungry hippos is soooo much more intellectual than a Mario kart Grand Prix.

This.

This thread has been hilarious, howling at the thought of eight-year-olds being given homemade pasta maracas to play with, and the declaration that the kids allowed crisps upstairs will definitely end up longterm unemployed 🤣 This is why I stay on mumsnet.

"Canoeing" ...?!!

This thread just keeps on giving

Of course he wants to go over to the friends house it's a free for all but having no said that if they had friends over I wouldn't make them play outside first then devices I would just let them have fun

Like they're 8 ,nobody has any idea what they'll turn out like.
Playing Mario and eating crisps upstairs will turn them into delinquents. 😅

I am baffled by people who would stop their children doing activities they enjoy just for fear that they are chavvy .

I'm solidly UMC/MC and my family have been for generations, so maybe with that gives me the security to not care. Or maybe it's just because I don't see any class as inherently better or worse so I dont worry what "class" an activity is.

Gaming can be relaxing, it can be sociable, it can actually be a lovely intellectual challenge or a test of skill. It can be a great way to spend time with friends or family. My son often games online with his friends after school. He and his friends are all high fliers in the top set of a very good school, gaming doesn't seem to have harmed their intellect. My husband also games with the boys and it is a great way for them to spend time together now they are teens. (For the judgy people - they also all do plenty of other activities too ).

A few hours gaming with a friend doesnt mean the child who is hosting is always glued to a screen. On a chilled half term day we might do a dog walk or swim in the morning, then my son might have a friend round for gaming in the afternoon and then we would play a board game later. Other days we would have day trips to different places or do something active like ice skating or play golf /crazy golf. I let my son pick what he enjoys to do with his friends, but that window of time isn't a reflection of his whole life

Canoeing 😭😭

I agree with everything apart from no crisps upstairs due to a new carpet/ do you own a hoover?
DDs are now adult but there was one parent like your DS’s friend’s parents. I let them get on with it and my DD soon moved on to other friends. Let’s just say they went down different paths in life. Agree with encouraging other friendships . Stick to your guns .

No crisps over carpets?? Have you not got a hoover?

Home Alone? Nothing from the last 20 years?

No PlayStation at all?

Enforced playtime before screen time

I can sort of see his mates point. Why would he want to be there when he can be at home having fun (and crisps) with his pal?

So playing on the switch and eating crisps upstairs is a sign of having no parenting boundaries 🤣

But of course, it's a straight downhill slide from there to crack cocaine and bank robbery didn't you know

My kids don't have games consoles yet (they're 10 and 7). Nobody cares when they come over to play. They're usually happy with a movie but they also never watch the whole thing and do just get up and find something else to play.

I am very relaxed about food, but we don't give out massive amounts of snacks. I don't think that's a particularly good idea. Occasionally the 10yo will come home from a party or play date with about a kilo of pick and mix sweets or having eaten about a whole tub of candyfloss, but not sure why that's considered 'fun'. Sounds a bit gross to me and to the dcs 🤷‍♀️. We do have treats but nobody here equates eating massive quantities of sugar as a treat. One decent bit of cake or ice cream for dessert, yes. Or a few custard creams or whatever if we cba to bake. One bag of crisps too or dinner if they stay for it. There are definitely some play dates where they fire huge amounts of super sweet stuff at the kids and I truly don't 'get' it.

Exactly @madamweb they may well grow up to answer the door when the doorbell rings unexpectedly and own a loo brush.

So you judge the other parents when your child gorges on food? Have you not taught them self restraint?

In my experience as a host sometimes I have been taken aback how much the guest child has eaten while my own child has eaten quite modest amounts. Sometimes it's the guest who asked for a treat in the first instance. Once my daughter had a bag of sweets in her room from Christmas and she had barely eaten any and her friend came round and ate the lot.