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Original poster

What are your views on smacking?

208 replies

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 11:51

I was smacked as a child and I am of the view that it hasn't done me any harm. Before I had kids I was certain I wouldn't smack. When I had dd1 (5) I didn't smack her (PFB and all that) but I think if I had she would be more disciplined now. Hindsight and all that.

With dd2 (19 months) I wasn't going to smack either but now she's into toddlerdom and getting up to all sorts I find it's the only way I can stop her doing things. I nly lightly tap her on the bum a couple of times and she is wearing a nappy so won't really hurt. But the shock of it stops her being naughty. I do give her a warning before I do it. I tell her no but she just laughs and does it again. I have a 3 strike rule. With dd1 because I've never smacked her I don't intend to start now. I can reason with her and punish her with taking away things which is hard to do with a 19 month old. I intend to stop smacking dd2 when she reaches an age she'll understand punishment.

I don't really want to smack them both as they get older but I won't rule it out if they're terribly naughty.

What are your views? And how do you discipline your DC?

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WideWebWitch · 04/05/2008 12:49

No, I don't know your 19mo but I still maintain that it is plain wrong to hit a 19mo baby (or any child or adult for that matter) - the developmental stage isn't relevant imo.

KerryMum · 04/05/2008 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyMum · 04/05/2008 14:22

Oh, a 19-month old acting like a 2 year-old. That's allright then. We all know what those little 2 year-olds can be like

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MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 14:23

Smacking a baby is odd.

KaSo · 04/05/2008 14:26

I smack toddlers on the hand. I don't feel the need to smack after age 3 as a child can understand time outs, or taking away a toy or treat.
But to me, the only way to stop a 2 yr old or 1 yr old from touching the fire or whathave you, after a stern NO has failed is to give them a swat on the hand followed up with another NO.

soapbox · 04/05/2008 14:29

Funnily - I found that picking them up and finding something else for them to do was a less painful process for all!

Distraction, distraction, distraction!

Heathcliffscathy · 04/05/2008 14:52

like most of the biggies on mn this argument gets convoluted by some very muddy thinking:

saying smacking is wrong doesn't mean that you think you're a perfect parent that never gets it wrong.

saying that smacking is wrong doesn't make shouting or screaming or any other form of uncontrolled 'discipline' right.

I think that smacking is wrong in the exactly the same way that hitting an adult is wrong. I think all fear based parenting is wrong. doesn't stop me from shouting too much at ds. it's horrible and you know what: it teaches him to shout. so it's f&cked.

that doesn't mean that smacking is ok.

smacking (like shouting) is lazy parenting.

anyone that tries to use positive praise, distraction and lack of attention for inappropriate behaviour sees the results. but is it really hard work and a long slog and long term strategy that involves changing the way that you may have been conditioned and dealing with the terrible feelings that can be aroused by a child that will not do what you want them to or listen.

smacking and shouting can have immediate results. but they have consequences that are deeply undesirable imo.

I MUST go and read 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' again. My parenting is really not doing fantasticallyl well atm (far too much referring to 'bratty' behaviour and far to little really engaging with ds).

juuule · 04/05/2008 15:02

Good post, Sophable.

HereComeTheGirls · 04/05/2008 15:02

MrsMattie - step away from the smacking thread, you have been involved in enough controversy for one day

MrsMattie · 04/05/2008 15:04

I have stepped away!

juuule · 04/05/2008 15:17

DWP - your dd sounds like a normal 19mo. I wouldn't have thought you needed to smack for any of the things you have described her doing. Just keep being consistent with the 'no' and distraction and removal from the situation. Eventually she'll get older and mature enough to understand your reasoning.

seeker · 04/05/2008 16:46

I have stepped so far back I'm in the next room - to quote Margaret from the Apprentice!

Acinonyx · 04/05/2008 18:04

To get back to the psychology. When someone thinks in a way which does not match their behaviour the resulting conflict (cognitive dissonance) is very stressful and that person will tend to want to get rid of the conflict. That means changing the thought or the behaviour. If you think e.g. smacking is wrong but continue to do it, you can either stop doing it, or it may well be easier to just stop thinking it is wrong. There - problem solved - no more conflict and stress. You see this kind of process so often regarding alsorts of issues. I'm sure my own mother did this - I'm sure other parents do it too. The biggest tell-tale sign is where views which should be underpinned by a basic value or ethic clearly aren't - they're chaotic and inconsistent.

Just something to think about.

Heathcliffscathy · 04/05/2008 18:24

quite.

(i learned that from dh and CD. they both say it a lot. i never used to say it. although i find it vaguely arcane, i do think it's a great way to agree with someone in one word. although i seem not to have managed to keep it one word now )

kittywise · 04/05/2008 18:34

I get pissed off when people have strong views about something they would/wouldn't do in a given situation when they have never experienced it that's all.
What on earth has a 'background' in psychology got to do with anything.
In my experience of those with 'experience' in that field are much better in theory than they are in practice

God these smacking threads are so...............(fill in the rest

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 04/05/2008 18:46

A background in psychology helps me understand behaviour, it helps me understand that teaching a child that violence is a way of releasing your emotions or a way to get people to do what you is not a good example to set. I understand how people learn behaviour.

And I can have an opinion on whatever I want. I may not have a toddler yet but I have witnessed violent relationships and experienced the affect it can have on children.

My position won't change when my DD reaches 18 months, even though the way I control my behaviour might. I still won't condone violence towards children.

BumperliciousNeedsToSleep · 04/05/2008 18:52

Sorry, that sounds really knobbish, I'm not saying that other people can't understand all those things, but I'm just justifying why my background in psychology means that I feel compelled to comment on this even though I don't have a toddler.

madhairday · 04/05/2008 18:54

I don't smack but I used to when dd was littler and I feel v guilty about it now. I think it achieved little and was often just out of anger I had to make a promise to myself never to smack again, it wasn't controlled behaviour and just ended up with me feeling guilty. I can't see now how I ever thought it was a good idea. But I am a demonstration that one can change their behaviour. I have not smacked for years.

mumeeee · 04/05/2008 19:01

When our children were younger Dh and I did occansionally smack. But we only smacked if they were being really defiant and we had given them a warning. We never smacked out of temper.

kittywise · 04/05/2008 19:25

bumperlicious, of course you can have a view on phyisical punishment, but I do know that having a background in psychology doesn't make you anymore qualifed than anyone else!!!!!

nooname · 04/05/2008 19:33

I find smacking really shocking - I just don't understand how it can ever be ok for an adult to hit a child.

How can you tell children not to hit others and then hit them yourself?

I've never seen any of my friends or family smacking a child but I would absolutely and totally lose respect for them if I did.

In response to the OP I was apalled to read you hit your toddler...... That imo is so far beyond acceptable.

Bluestocking · 04/05/2008 19:36

Actually, I think a background in psychology does qualify the holder to say she has a better understanding of human behaviour than someone who doesn't have a background in psychology. How odd to imagine that several years studying the subject would make you less qualified to speak authoritatively.
And, OP, smacking children is barbaric and there is absolutely no excuse.

muggglewump · 04/05/2008 19:46

I've smacked, I'd smack again but the threat now is enough to make DD know she's gone too far.
It's not harmed her or our relationship and it worked when I needed it to.
I feel I'm biased as the only person I know IRL that wouldn't smack was the only one I knew with awful, violent, really horrible, bullied my DD violently children.

After reading around, I see now that it wasn't the lack of smacking that was the problem, it was the complete lack of disipline and the fact that she'd lie for them so I could never approach her about their treatment of DD.

I do still stand by smacking, I don't find it barbaric but I completely respect those that choose not to, so long as they do have disipline in place so I never have to have my child beaten black and blue again

AbbeyA · 04/05/2008 20:00

I would have thought that several years studying psychology would make you more qualified to comment than those who hadn't!

kittywise · 04/05/2008 20:04

bluestocking, I have never in my life met a studier of the mind sciences who had a decent working grasp of things. it's just my experience.
The psychiatrists, therapists, psychologists I have known/do know are the worst listeners I have ever come across when they are not 'working'.

I have known a few child psychiatrists all of whom have family problems and screwed up kids.

Theory is utterly meaningless as far as child rearing is concerned. You can read all the pointless books you like. The only way you really understand what is going on is when you have done it for real.