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Parenting

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Original poster

What are your views on smacking?

208 replies

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 11:51

I was smacked as a child and I am of the view that it hasn't done me any harm. Before I had kids I was certain I wouldn't smack. When I had dd1 (5) I didn't smack her (PFB and all that) but I think if I had she would be more disciplined now. Hindsight and all that.

With dd2 (19 months) I wasn't going to smack either but now she's into toddlerdom and getting up to all sorts I find it's the only way I can stop her doing things. I nly lightly tap her on the bum a couple of times and she is wearing a nappy so won't really hurt. But the shock of it stops her being naughty. I do give her a warning before I do it. I tell her no but she just laughs and does it again. I have a 3 strike rule. With dd1 because I've never smacked her I don't intend to start now. I can reason with her and punish her with taking away things which is hard to do with a 19 month old. I intend to stop smacking dd2 when she reaches an age she'll understand punishment.

I don't really want to smack them both as they get older but I won't rule it out if they're terribly naughty.

What are your views? And how do you discipline your DC?

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Hecate · 03/05/2008 15:03

My views on smacking are that it is always best to not exchange views about smacking, since it always turns into a bunfight. People are generally incapable of exchanging opinions on this topic without interpreting opposing views as personal criticism and then everyone loses their temper.

McDreamy · 03/05/2008 15:03

Unacceptable in any form, tapping, smacking. I personally think it is a form of bullying.

I would be outraged to find out a teacher had smacked my child and I would most definitely take the matter further!

FairyMum · 03/05/2008 15:04

I was never smacked as a child and have never smacked my own children. Smacking is just completely foreign to me. I have a very low opinion of people who smack their children.

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AbbeyA · 03/05/2008 15:09

I don't see how smacking teaches right from wrong-all it seems to show is that someone bigger and stronger can get their own way by force.

SHEENA1 · 03/05/2008 15:09

yeh but hercules i would never allow anyone else to smack my kids . how parents use disaplin is up to them . teachers should have stronger powers of disapline just not smacking

hercules1 · 03/05/2008 15:23

Yes, so should parents.

KerryMum · 03/05/2008 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janni · 03/05/2008 15:42

I disapprove of smacking and think that it does not work as a method of discipline. Having said that I, when my older children were little, did smack on a couple of occasions when I was at the end of my tether and I suspect that most parents, if they are honest, have done the same.

brimfull · 03/05/2008 15:44

I don't think it is an effective method of discipline.
It is a reaction to a stressful situation and teaches the child nothing ime.

I have smacked both of my dc's when young and regretted it.

Analsexann · 03/05/2008 15:53

I was smacked as a child mainly by my mum & only ever on hand or bottom & no it didnt do me any harm. However there is a fine line between parental chastisment & abuse which my father crossed when I was 15, he'd been out to the pub he started a stupid argument ( which I won't go into) & it ended in him hitting me on the head & me blacking out for a short time he was arrested & cautioned but never charged as there weren't the laws to protect children there is today. Shortly after this incident I started having difficulty hearing I was refered to ENT specialist who said I had nerve damage significant to having suffered a blow to the head My hearing has continued to deteriorate I now wear 2 hearing aids & am 80% deaf in my good ear. Do I smack my child ... NO I find tone of voice is enough to get my son to behave.

Janni · 03/05/2008 15:55

That is awful, Ann!

TsarChasm · 03/05/2008 16:02

I was. I don't harbour any resentments about it but I don't smack mine and they are all well behaved.

I do wonder why I was smacked I suppose considering I don't think I was too disobediant on the whole and I was an only child. There wasn't the debate about it in those days I guess.

I can't quite reconcile myself to the idea of smacking. Either you do it in a calm calculated way which seems odd. Or you do it because you've lost your rag. To hit out then seems to go against what I'm trying to get over to dc not to do.

Having said that I accept it's a personal thing.

Pheebe · 03/05/2008 18:08

I remember each occasion I was smacked as a child...there were two. They made a huge impression...I was scared and hurt but to this day cannot remember the reason for the smacking. Not what my parents intended I'm sure.

I make every effort not to, especially not the flat handed type of smack to the leg or bottom. I have tapped ds1 on the hand on occassion but have found that smacking simply doesn't work for us. It upsets him, makes me feel terrible and doesn't resolve the issue anyway. We use the naughty step, quiet time and talking instead which works much better for us. Thats not to say we don't lose it occassionally and I do raise my voice more than I should but I've found its usually when I'm in a bad mood not because ds is being particularly naughty. I try and learn from it and do better next time.

I have very mixed feelings about it as I suspect once you have to smack you've lost control of the situation (note: I didn't say lost control of self). For me its not a black and white issue, I acknowledge other parents rights to make that choice but the potential for it to become at least 'normalised' and at worst abuse (even if not intentional) concerns me.

KerryMum · 03/05/2008 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 03/05/2008 18:22

My views are, it's best not to.

Personally, I don't think it's necessary or appropriate after age 4 or 5.

Original poster

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 18:46

Thank you everyone for your replies. I think everyone has a valid point. I agree with you pointydog it's not necessary after age 4.

With regards to me smacking dd2 she will not listen to repeated no's and distracting her from the situation. She is a very strong willed little girl. She tells me "no" when I tell her to stop it, and yes I do raise my voice (which works really well with dd1). She won't even remember being smacked because I won't be doing it after age 4.

I don't agree with teachers smacking but I do think they should be given more powers of discipline.

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Mercy · 03/05/2008 18:56

Agree tdwp (and have done and feel the same as Twig, expat and pointydog)

Ds aged 4 is going through a real lashing out phase atm - most of the time he just needs a cuddle tbh. The remainder of the time, well... it's hard to deal with.

Acinonyx · 03/05/2008 19:12

OTOH I was smacked routinely and deeply resent it to this day. I don't smack. (I don't scream like a banshee either - but I feel sure I will occaisionally...).

OTOH and I can't say how I would cope if I had a more challenging child. I doubt that anyone can - unless they have walked that road.

I can readily understand smacking as a last resort, rightly or wrongly, because I can imagine that kind of anger and frustration. What I can't really understand, is sitting around happily thinking it's just OK as a form of discipline. That just boggles my mind.

K999 · 03/05/2008 19:14

Have never smacked or shouted at my dcs....althought it is pretty hard not to some days.....they certainly test my patience!!

FairyMum · 03/05/2008 19:26

I don't really understand how a 19-month old can get up to all sorts of things and be naughty like you describe though. At this age its so easy to just remove them or distract them. I don't really understand how such a young child can be so much trouble you find it necessary to smack. They are cute and adorable and cheeky at this age. Give her a kiss instead

LazyLinePainterJane · 03/05/2008 19:40

I agree with soapy (and approve of the name change )

My parents smacked me, but I feel that they did that because they were smackers, not because of me. I was very aware that there was aggression there and annoyance, it certainly was not a case of a calm approach to discipline.

I do not smack DS and do not intend to. I don't feel that I need to.

I do think that a lot of people like to say that they smack out of discipline but don't. I see people smack and see a surprising amount of anger there and to me, that says you are smacking for yourself, not to prevent your child doing something.

What I do not understand is how some people seem to think that the best way to stop your child hitting other children is to hit them yourself....?

Original poster

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 20:41

"I don't really understand how a 19-month old can get up to all sorts of things and be naughty like you describe though. At this age its so easy to just remove them or distract them. I don't really understand how such a young child can be so much trouble you find it necessary to smack. They are cute and adorable and cheeky at this age. Give her a kiss instead"

If I gave her a kiss instead she would think it was a game. Being naughty IMO is repeatedly pulling her sister's hair after being told not to, turning off plugs, climbing on tables, turning off the TV repeatedly etc. I could tell her no no no no over and over again til I'm blue in the face makes no difference, I do distract her but can't continually distract her as I have 2 other children to see to. She laughs when I shout and shouts back (which it's really hard not laugh at ). She isn't as bad when her sisters are in school, but still trys it on. And before anyone says how can she know she's very bright for her age, she knows when she's done something wrong as she says sorry (unprompted by me). She also says sorry after she's had one of her massive tantrums were she throws herself on the floor or kicks shite out of me when I dress or change her nappy.

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FairyMum · 03/05/2008 20:55

You smack and shout at a 19-month old? At this age they are still babies in my eyes. An adult smacking a child still in nappies just makes me so . At what age did you start smacking her? She is still a baby I think.

Original poster

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 21:27

Yes I do. I still see her as a baby, she still sleeps in my bed, I still give her a bottle and treat her like a baby. BUT she wants to be like her older sister, she copies what her older sister does. She's very independant and she acts like a 2 and a half year old rather than she's 19 months. The terrible two's have started very early. DD1 didn't start throwing tantrums until she was nearly 3.

I refuse to feel guilty you don't know my child I do.

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Original poster

DevilwearsPrada · 03/05/2008 21:28

Oh and I only started smacking her (when I say smack I pat her on the bum a couple of times) a few weeks ago.

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