What are your views on smacking?

[DevilwearsPrada]

I was smacked as a child and I am of the view that it hasn't done me any harm. Before I had kids I was certain I wouldn't smack. When I had dd1 (5) I didn't smack her (PFB and all that) but I think if I had she would be more disciplined now. Hindsight and all that.

With dd2 (19 months) I wasn't going to smack either but now she's into toddlerdom and getting up to all sorts I find it's the only way I can stop her doing things. I nly lightly tap her on the bum a couple of times and she is wearing a nappy so won't really hurt. But the shock of it stops her being naughty. I do give her a warning before I do it. I tell her no but she just laughs and does it again. I have a 3 strike rule. With dd1 because I've never smacked her I don't intend to start now. I can reason with her and punish her with taking away things which is hard to do with a 19 month old. I intend to stop smacking dd2 when she reaches an age she'll understand punishment.

I don't really want to smack them both as they get older but I won't rule it out if they're terribly naughty.

What are your views? And how do you discipline your DC?

God I get so annoyed at all of you who go around polishing your parent halos whilst exclaiming that you have never raised a voice to your child ( I don't believe a word of it btw, selective recall).

It's actually not good for your children for you to keep your temper when they have been shits. What are you teaching them? Act like a sod but mummy will keep smiling sweetly.
That's asking for trouble

Personally, I wouldn't describe my children as being 'shits".

I have raised my voice, lost my temper, gone ballistic. But I do not believe it is ever acceptable for big people to hit little people. Or actually for anyone to hit anyone else. What sort of lesson is that teaching children "Hurting someone deliberately is acceptable" "If someone does something I don't like, it's OK to hurt them".

Kittywise, I dont think any parent on this thread has said they haven't shouted at their children. In fact an awful of those against smacking have said they've done it themselves on occasion and can understand someone being driven to it or losing control of the situation.

a 19 month old REALLY has no understanding of right and wrong. I do think you should feel guilty for smacking a baby of this age. Shame on you.

And I have shouted, course I have.But not believing in smacking doesn't make anyone 'holier than thou'.

And nobody said they didn't ever react to bad behaviour, they just said they don't react by HITTING. You seem to have selective reading kittywise.

It is not a question of polishing your halo! Of course you don't let them get away with things and smile! It is good to see that people have emotions and deal with anger and frustration. I have smacked (lightly, on the odd occasion when small)but I saw it as failure on my part and was ashamed. I also raise my voice but I make sure that they know it is the behaviour that I don't like and I would NEVER have a verbal attack on them as a person.

I think Kitty's post about not reacting to bad behaviour might have been directed to me because I said "give her a kiss". I do react to bad behaviour, but I also use a lot of humour to diffuse situations especially with my older children. This is how I was brought up. Epsecially my dad when faced with challeneging behaviour from me or my siblings. He had 5 children and I now have 4. I cannot go around shouting and smacking and being constantly angry. It would drive me mad.

I agree its healthy for children to see that your parents have emotions, it doesn't mean that there cannot be numerous ways of resolving conflicts and responding to challenging behaviour.

kitty I don't find it hard to believe at all. I hardly ever raise my voice to dd - and even then it's just a louder firm voice not shouting. I just don't do shouting and screaming, be it adults or children.

If dd was more difficult I would have to do something - but I don't think a lot of shouting gets results. It doesn't look that way to me.

My mother was a quite a screamer and shouter and I always thought it was as if she turned into an animal. I am very strongly motivated not to go down that road.

Over the years it's quite likely I will lose it now and then - who knows. But I actually think it's good that parents who don't yell and shout post - because it IS possible to be that kind of parent and it shouldn't be so incredible.

I also agree with posters who have said it's wrong to smack a 19month old. I would also take them away and give a kiss and a tickle. Saying sorry and understanding the whole concept of right and wrong are two very different things.

I agree with Acinonyx and Fairymum - it is perfectly possible to raise children without shouting, screaming and smacking. I don't shout/scream/smack children or adults. I rarely get very angry as things rarely escalate in our household - we all try to keep our behaviour agreeable and considerate of others.

However, I concede that it is probably quite difficult to change a household that already routinely shouts/screams/smacks into one that is more peaceful as (a) bad habits are hard to break (b) you need to intellectualise your reasons for your change of behaviour and make yourself very conscious of your behaviour for quite a while before the new behaviours become automatisms.

Anna - but isn't that just because you do everything your dd wants? (joking, honestly!)

Well, there are five of us in this family and four of us are bigger and stronger than DD... so it wouldn't be easy for her to get her own way all the time and to keep the peace

me and my 3 sisters were all smacked as children mostly on the legs with a slipper by our mum,dont remember my dad doing it tho
it didnt do us any harm.
i have smacked my kids mostly with ds 1 but i put that down to lack of parenting skills ,also its when ive lost control of the situation.
my dd2 and ds3 get smacked rarely, i feel guilty that my ds1 had different treatment.
imo it doesnt work anyway

Ok, coming into this quite late, and in the position of only having a 10mo, but if you don't hit your child very hard ("it's only a tap, pat on the bum etc.") then what do you actually think it is going to achieve? Pointless doing it at all in that case. And if you are doing it hard enough to hurt then you are deliberately hurting your child. Would you pinch them? Stub a cigarette out on them? How is smacking different.

Like I said, I only have a baby who doesn't understand right and wrong, but I have a background in psychology, and understand that smacking is not the way to condition behaviour. When do you stop? If they don't stop do you smack harder? Where do you draw the line?

I'm really aiming these questions at people who routinely use smacking and not those who have lost control, smacked and then felt very contrite about it. That is a different issue all together and requires different solutions.

bumperlicious, I'd wait until you have a bit more experience before you pass judgment

Kittywise - plenty of mothers with much older children have the same view as bumperlicious.

Why should Bumperlicious wait until she has more experience? Firstly she has a background of psychology, secondly she asks the very valid point of where do you stop and thirdly she is asking those who routinely smack. Are you saying Kittywise that this is all very well in theory but as soon as she has a toddler she is going to resort to smacking to control behaviour?

middle class people don't beat their kids doncha know

(the nanny does it)

I cannot imagine a 19 month old "acting like a sod"...have an 18 month old and anything she does which is "naughty" is because she is curious and doesn't know any better, or because she wants something and can't express herself better than crying or being stroppy.

I certainly could never call her, or think of her as a "shit"...or contemplate smacking her.

Also...OP , you say "I refuse to feel guilty". If you are perfectly happy with your actions then why did you bother starting a thread to ask for people's opinions, some of which you are bound not to like?

Right, in answer to WWW do you know MY 19 month old? No I think not, my 19 month old is at the stage of a lot of 2 year olds. We all go on about those growth charts being a load of shite and babies developing at different paces, well dd2 happens to have developed faster than most 19 month olds. My 19 month old says "I want one as well" "I did that" "why" and can count to 10 is that normal of 19 month old? DD1 did not understand when she did something wrong at 19 months old, dd2 does!

Here come the girls where did I say my 19 month old "acted like a sod"? Yes I refuse to feel guilty, I asked for people's opinions on smacking their children not me smacking mine and then I gave my opinion.

kittywise I agree with you.

DWP - you didnt say that, kittywise said it.

Oh my apologies.

prob my fault, should have been clearer

Just wanted to post to this one last time. Thank you everyone for your views whether they differ to mine or not. I started this thread because I love a good ole debate and you girls have obliged thank you very much.

Ateotd everyone has there own way of parenting their children we're never going to agree on everything (world would be very boring if we did) what's good for the goose isn't always good for the gander.