Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

Ah thank you. I'm an imbecile on the MN app and really struggle to read whole threads when using it (but the desktop doesn't load for me anymore so I'll have to get more savvy with the app).
I appreciate your answer and sorry OP for asking questions you've explained.

I'm sorry if I sound strong or harsh, OP but I can see the forest for the trees that you may not (yet! You will. Wait for it!). You're still under his abusive control.

As for the cops: It's still concerning that the police have done so little. The reality is, police don't understand the psychology of an abused child. Children don't just open up and reveal all. They tend to cover the abuser's tracks out of a fear-born loyalty to the predatory adult controlling them, undermining them, threatening them, abusing them. It is terrifying for a child to speak with police. I eventually had to ask those police dealing with our case to wear plainclothes and pull up in an unmarked car just to fucking shake off a bit of their intimidating cosplay gear. Of course this teen victim of your ex is going to cover her backside and the abuser's. She’s so scared. Police don't see that. You probably don't see that. Her mum sure as shit doesn't see that.
Police won't do anything until a full description of the accusations are given by the victim. And that's an incredibly hard ask of an underage victim, let alone any victim of sexual abuse/sexual assault.

Nope. He cannot be having unsupervised contact with your children whilst he is in a relationship with a 16 year old which began when she was 15. I’m sure children’s services would have something to say about this!

@whiskeytangofox

I agree he should of thought about the kids before he met up with a child.

It turns my stomach the thought of him driving there.

What was he thinking.

It's 100% a safeguarding risk i question the mental of anyone who is capable of doing such a thing.

He should have to live with the choice he made. It's my fault for letting him 'back in'

I should have never let him contact me, and given him a soft landing.

That’s how teenage victims of sexual abuse behave. No staff member on a child and adolescent mental health ward - which is where she would be at age 16 or 17 - would allow a predator to visit a victim, screaming or not. Of course she thought she loved him - he groomed her.

You said he’s in the box room - whose box room?

I have contacted a few solicitors they have said that I wouldn't get legal aid and it's like £5000/£7000 plus. I just can't take that on. I haven't done anything wrong. I try to do right in every decision. If I look bad so be it, I know my heart and messing with a child is just beyond my comprehension.

I will just stop contact because I don't even feel safe around him myself I'm a nervous wreck or I feel myself trying to be in his good good books and put him on a pedestal. Even though in my head and on paper he is a loser.

I worry about the way I dress and he doesn't like me wearing makeup etc, he comments on all these things. He's so controlling.

Remember in Matilda when ms Trunchball was coming so Miss Honey would rearrange all the class room around and tell the children - don't breathe, don't speak etc - well that's literally how it is eurgh

He feels so powerful. Flight mode feels safer

@HopefulDrifter they did let him in. It was parents only but she screamed and they let him in. It's 'legal' what he did. It's black and white in law. I know it's terrible.

He targeted a vulnerable teenage girl and is joe blaming her and saying she is unstable.
Open your eyes he isn't safe to be around your kids and their friends

If they were going on holiday in her 16th birthday its safe to assume they had got to "know each other" when she was 15.
Pretty shoddy police work

I have my doubts about this, having worked with vulnerable teenage girls in one of the more notorious “grooming towns” since 2003.

"He should have to live with the choice he made. It's my fault for letting him 'back in'

I should have never let him contact me, and given him a soft landing."

Stop. Do NOT blame yourself for responding in the only way you know how. You are a normal, loving, empathetic parent. You responded normally to a really abnormal situation. He is not the partner or father you thought he was.
It takes a minute to understand that the guy who has embodied the roles of 'friend/son/father/partner/ex' is not only an adulterer (in fact, don't even fixate on his cheating), but a predatory sexual abuser of a minor. She was a minor when they began seeing each other. He knew better. He knew right from wrong and he willingly threw a nail bomb underneath his family's foundation because having sex with a child became more important than anything else, including his own children's needs. He was careless and as shitty as a person can be. And now he wants his right to be a dad renewed like he's some card carrying member of the parents' library? He has no rights here. Parenthood is not a legal right. It's a legal responsibility. Your child's safety and well being however are your child's right that you, as a parent, uphold and safeguard- which your ex never did.

In what universe is OP happy for him to be near her kids? She is asking for advice about how to stop him having unsupervised contact and has been told by numerous posters that the courts would grant him access rights. He doesn't have a criminal record in relation to his relationship with the 16 year old.

Still waiting to learn whose box room he’s sleeping in.

I thought the same.

I think the police know the truth.
But I had to be proven beyond reasonable doubt.

What label would you ascribe to an adult that admitted to the OP that they engaged in a relationship with a 15 year old?

A accurate one for a start.

He's a revolting pervert but he's not a paedophile, which refers to sexual interest in pre-pubescent children. It does not refer to (unfortunately) legal sex with someone over the age of consent.

Did the police not check this hotel stay? Or I'm guessing she didn't register as a guest and/or had fake ID?
Police believed he took her in holiday ON her 16th birthday to have sex for the first time? Nothing happened before the, so this is all legal?
My stomach turns in disgust

@OopsyDaisie well I don't know the inside and outside of it all, the police told me bits but it's data confidentiality.

They checked all their devices, I don't know if the police are aware of the hotel - I'm guessing this is what she has been 'blackmailing' him with.

But yes to the above. I mean, I don't know if he took her on holiday for that exact reason.

I'd tell ss he was havingsex woth a15 years old and on that basis he isn't allowed un supervised access. I feel sorry for you ans the 16 Yr old. What the hell was her mum thinking in letting grown man stay there!

She's a child. She's not at fault.

OP let me make it clear DO NOT LET THIS MAN BACK IN YOUR CHILDREN'S LIVEs without supervision from an independent source. He has already proved he is manipulative and quite willing to have sex with a child, and apparently has no shame about it because 'it's legal' i.e he has no moral scruples. All the hallmarks of a predator. I'm sorry but 15 or 16, this girl was vulnerable due to her mental health condition and even at 18 could easily only be operating at a level of maturity far below her actual age! He has preyed on a vulnerable girl, then tried to blame it on her to manipulate you into letting him back in just as he was before?! Honestly you sound vulnerable too if he is able to manipulate you and pull the wool over your eyes. No real interested and honest father would disown his children for ANY reason. A real father would work through hell and high water to see his children if he cared about them. Just remember that. Asd yourself, could anything stop you from seeing your children? The only thing that would stop me would be when I'm dead. Because I love them unconditionally. Would he be happy with seeing his own daughter having a sexual relationship with a 32 year old at 15/16? A normal father would be absolutely horrified at the idea of this!!

This father will probably give his daughter/son a lift to the airport on their 16th birthday to meet someone twice their age for sex - he sees it as perfectly normal.

You’ll get lots of good advice on here. Then you’ll get someone say
“It's part of an inbuilt biological animal instinct to fight anyone who is keeping him from his child including you. “. Completely overlooking him dropping his children at that girl’s request, going so far as changing his phone number. He wasn’t fighting anyone to see his children then.

If he is seen to be spending more time with his children, and thereby seemingly on better terms with you the awfulness of what he has done will fade in other people’s minds. It shouldn’t but it will. If life becomes fairly normal like any other separated couple what he did, if not forgotten, will be downscaled to a blip in an otherwise normal life.

Find yourself a good family lawyer and as much support in real life as you can. When faced with a strong stand against him from numerous people who aren’t going to let it be swept under the carpet, he will probably slink away and leave you and your children in peace

@HopefulDrifter please don't speak about my children so brutally in that way

Thank you I can just feel that this is his tactic. Act like it's normal let it just fade out and take no accountability like 2 normal people who have had small family issues.