Ex left us for a 16 year old partner

[Itsthelittlethingz]

Hi all

I posted annon a while back about ex leaving us to be in a relationship with a 16 year old.

Well, he is back and the manipulation is in full swing.

I'm so isolated, I've got no one.
At night - my heart physically hurts, my brain literally says 'I'm so lonely, I just need a hug' I wonder every night how I'm going to get through the next day get my kids to their activities, raise them into good people, work and not completely burn out.
I keep pushing people away and feel safer alone.

Anyway back to the point - I guess I feel vulnerable.

The kids dad is back after embarking on a relationship with a 16 year old (he admitted to me they initially met when she was 15 but they've lied to the police)

He says it was the worst mistake of his life. She blackmailed him with threats to the police and to save himself he did not contact us at all.
(I spoke to the girl and she confirmed she did not want him to see the children)

Their relationship was volatile. Constant police involvement. She had mental health problems and he later learned she was in a psyc ward when they met online.

The police were aware of their relationship by the way. I informed them also but it's legal in the uk. (Obviously wrong)
He lived with the girlfriends mum at one point... went on multiple holidays... so it's hard for me to believe it was all black Mail.

Stupidity after him begging and manipulating my mind I let him see our children.
But I seem crazy because I battle between mind and heart.

Mind - how could he abandon the children for not just a woman but for a 16 year old! What was he thinking!!!!
If the relationship would have worked out well... would he even be back???
What if he leaves again it will tear our hearts apart.
What if he is still in contact with her to appease her?

So I pull away and say he can't see them anymore and to go to court. Then he calls me crazy, unstable and sends me abuse and gaslights me.

This situation is too complex for me to navigate, he put us in this situation, I need help with the children sometimes I want to ask but I'm struggling with trusting him again.

He expects me to just forget the past but I feel he's done too much

• the relationship with a child
• the complete abandonment, he even changed his phone number.

I respect his mum as she stayed in contact with the children throughout.

If anyone has any words of advice I really would appreciate it. Thanks

@Itsthelittlethingz What a very stressful and traumatic situation. Especially if the young woman he groomed was contacting you.

I strongly suggest you seek advice on what would be considered reasonable contact in this situation. I imagine supervised contact is reasonable.

The most important thing is the children are safe and healthy. If he was quite happy not to see or contact them for a whole year (if I’ve followed you correctly) while he was having an inappropriate relationship with a minor, then I imagine the courts would support your concerns about unsupervised contact. He should not be manipulating them to ask you for unsupervised contact, as I assume they don’t know all the details of why he left. You should make a note of that and let the solicitor/adviser know.

How do the children feel about seeing him? Do they seem to enjoy it and look forward to it? However hard it is for you, you must put their emotional, mental and physical well-being first and (unless there’s a risk to these) children should see both parents regularly.

Don’t worry about expensive presents. They don’t compensate for being a loving, selfless and reliable parent. If you’ve brought your children up well (as I’m sure you have) money and material things are less important than love, care and reliability.

If you’re struggling to cope with lone parenting, do reach out to family, friends and other parents. You need support to process the trauma and practice help. Have you had any therapy? Do you get any time to yourself?

You posted and so clearly have some conflicting feelings.

If you didn't you you wouldn't have needed to post in the first place.

So just to clarify that the family courts have a different level of proof to the criminal courts. Criminal is beyond reasonable doubt, family is balance of probabilities. He has groomed a vulnerable child so you are right to have concerns and be having supervised visitation. The courts will assess if they think he is a risk to his children but obviously it is not possible to tell what they would decide. What I would say is no way would they give 50/50 care based on the evidence as someone suggested above.

Oh lay off her, she’s suffered a massive trauma and clearly has her children’s best interests at heart. She hasn’t minimised anything and is clearly still sick at the thought of it, and of having to have this man anywhere near her children. You’re being horrible and unfair.

Do you know if the family court will be able to see all of his police records?
I can't see it ofc.
But the officer who I spoke to said they're aware of them and it's quite some record.

If he was going on holiday with her the day she turned 16, he was definitely sleeping with her before that. Absolutely disgusting, he is a paedophile whether he likes to hear it or not is irrelevant. Do you have daughters? No way he’d be having unsupervised contact, or contact at all if I had my way.

They met in a hotel at the airport on her 16th birthday but before that, they talked online when she was on a mental health ward?

Is anyone going to play the tape forward and think about what will happen to the OP’s children as adolescents? It sounds as though the OP and the paedophile ex are both minimising the paedophiile behaviour and blaming the victim.

And SS need a different level of evidence to criminal courts. Criminal courts need to have evidence 'beyond reasonable doubt'. SS consider if the child is at risk based on any evidence they have. This is why I've said you shouldn't give unsupervised contact, not just because your children aren't safe which goes without saying but also because SS may well consider you are unable to keep your children safe if they know that you believe your ex did this and sent your children to him anyway. When you do something that is not court ordered, SS consider this your free choice and sometimes need to remove children from mothers because of their failure to safeguard their children.

He’s been messing about with a 16 year old and your happy for him to be near your kids
I hope social services get wind of this

So has he applied to court OP? Have you spoken to a solicitor? Have you discussed this with SS?

It was when you said the child “fought for her man” that you minimised it.

When your mind wanders to other women (and girls) remind yourself that he’s not your partner so not your problem. This was a mantra that really helped me and I still use years later. I can now chuckle when I think about the fact that his dickish behaviour is somebody else’s problem. It is annoying that human brains wander to insecurities but you can help fight the intrusive thoughts day by day.

No he hasn't

"Have social services not been involved?"

I'm wondering this too... if police haven't referred your family to social services after you reported your ex, that just leaves me feeling faithless in a system I've little faith in already.

By the way, their response to you floors me ,OP, but I've dealt with police regarding my own DD's sexual abuse and honestly, I'll be blunt, my daughter and I cross the road if we share pavement with an officer as an offering to ourselves of self respect and self preservation.

Social services where contacted when police got involved. He hasn't done anything illegal so it was dropped. They said case closed

Oh I'm completely faithless in the system.

I was shattered. I didn't sleep thinking I trusted this man around my children. I was worried for my own children. Having flashbacks
I was sick as a dog. The system didn't care.

He hasn't done anything illegal
Grey area
Morally wrong

Is all they say

He doesn’t get to pick.
he blew everyone’s lives up.

Set days.
supervised.
not by you.

let him go to court if he doesn’t like it

I wouldn’t see or speak to the pervert again if I could it. I’d be civil at graduation/ weddings etc with a hi and bye but that would be it.

I’m pretty sure grooming a 15 year old is illegal!!! As you’ve stated it started at 15
someone in my local area has just been sent down for 6 years for doing this to a 15 year old

As someone who has to deal with the family courts day in day out as part of my job (and as a safeguarding lead), I agree with this statement. The idea that stopping contact is 'parental alienation' and could result in him being given 100% custody is quite a reach. You have the right to stop contact if you believe there is a safeguarding risk. What he then has the right to do is to make an application to the court and ask the court to make an order which is safe and appropriate for the children. Yes, that may be 50/50 (though I'd be surprised, at least in the short term, given what you've said).

FWIW, family courts have recently been told that 'parental alienation' is discredited and is pseudoscience. It would therefore take an awful lot more than you stopping contact due to safeguarding concerns for this to be an issue, even if your ex claims it to be.

He is a pedophile. He is very much a monster and this cannot be fix. What's to say he hasn't done this before? What's to say your chosen won't be next. You need to put your focus solely on your children and yourself. You are tying yourself into knots for this sicko.

he should be banned from getting close to any children, his included. Your children will be 16 one day and if he abandons his family for a relationship with a child he is not fit to bea functioning father. what is he going to teach them?

@HopefulDrifter she really did go crazy for him. She told me she loved him. She threatened to commit if he left... she ended up in hospital at one point from an overdose and screamed until they let him visit. She sent me various abusive messages from various catfish accounts. She told me 'I stopped him seeing the kids'

I completely understand she's a victim and has mental health problems. I'm just explaining the extent of the situation.

@Guy84

No father is a total disaster for any child.

What a croc of shit!

Any man who has sex with underage children should be removed from his children’s lives permanently as the damage his actions have caused initially will continue to cause a detrimental and long lasting effect to his own offspring for many years to come.

@Loudmomma

I wish he would get sent down. I don't know how he hasn't.

It's because she lied, if she tells her truth he probably will!

I think you and your kids deserve so much better
it’s disgusting that you have had to go through this
but please don’t let him manipulate you you are also a victim here from what he’s done